Friday, January 20, 2017

Guess who's back

Well it's inauguration day and Donald Trump will take the stage in what I am sure will be his biggest self love festival since yesterday. Now a lot of my friends have anxiety and fear over what this will mean. Myself included. Some of us are still wondering how we got here. According to some of my libertarian friends we got here because elitist liberals love telling people how stupid they are and how superior they are. Which is very funny coming from libertarians who spent the entire election trying to promote a geographically challenged man as the "smart alternative" to other candidates. Libertarians have been playing the smug smarter choice card for as long as I can remember. They are kings of the "you are all idiots for picking the other two major parties"argument.

Here is just one part of the scorecard:
Whig party Presidents: 4
Libertarian party Presidents: 0

A party that is has been defunct for many decades has more presidential representation than you. So cool it with the calling the kettle black shit.

We are generally predisposed to want to call someone an idiot for making bad choices. But that luxury is now gone. Your frustration and anger don't matter. (I know I can scarcely believe I am saying it too.) Now is the time that we all become...wait for it...Bruce Lee.

No we aren't all going to learn Kung Fu. We are going to be cool headed problem solvers that don't let pettiness and anger get in our way. We are all going to be Arthur Fonzarelli. We are all going to take our little special snowflake feelings and put them in a room separate from where we work. we will go in and visit them occasionally and then come back out as icy and cool as before.

I am tired of when they go low we go high. It is time for when they lose rationality we have it. We are going to have a president who will constantly be throwing tantrums and the way we deal with tantrums is to not give them any attention. (we already tried showing them how stupid they look, that tactic didn't work.)

No when it comes to the political discourse in this country, I will not fight with my feelings.

At the opening of the film Enter the Dragon, Bruce Lee tells a student to attack him with emotional content, not anger.

For too long we have been at this world like a kid eating fried chicken. We are so worried about eating the breading. Time to be adults and get down to the meat. Where the actual food is.

 "Oh! But Gabriel, the breading is so tasty we love the memes and the jokes and the snark. I just love telling Trump voters that they are fucking stupid. And when they get all pissy about it I love to point out that the party that insults minorities and the lgbt community and anyone with a sense of decency at how others should be treated, is getting all bitchy when the tables are turned. That is the most fun thing ever. Breading is delicious and so salty!"

Yet millions can and will lose health care. Meat just left behind to rot and be stolen by scavengers who will strip you of what others fought so hard for you to have. We thank soldiers for pointing a gun in our defense but we never applaud the absolute hard work it took by regular folks everyday doing something to make our lives easier. the folks who fought for universal health care and only could get the ACA. And now while you make fun of Grizzlies in schools, that woman will make schools follow a profit margin. Yeah its fucking hilarious. It is. I laugh every time I see it. I enjoy breading too. But what will happen to our educators who fight everyday to make sure our children are just a bit better than they were the day before.

We will lose all of it if we don't stop pointing fingers.

A friend of mine said that the trouble with liberals is that if something or someone is not perfect or perfectly aligned with our beliefs it is considered worthless. I think that is true. I think it is also true of republicans, libertarians, green partiers, tea partiers, animal activists, socialists, hippies, bikers, fundamentalists, sports fans, theatregoers...Americans.

It has been bread into our thinking that we have to be the best, have the best, be seen with the best, be associated with the best in order to be happy. Look no further than the man who will be sworn into office today. But the best is what you make it.

Some of the best tasting food in the world comes from poor people who were given scraps and had to make do.

It won't be perfect but it will be yours. It will be because of your efforts. Because of our efforts. We are in this together.

"Stand up and fight and I will stand up with you."  -The Dropkick Murphys The Gauntlet

With deep and abiding affection,


Monday, February 3, 2014

A tribute to a friend and mentor

It's story time again.

I have been thinking about Dorothy a lot lately. I miss her. It has taken 10+ years for me to realize how much someone meant to me. Not that I didn't feel pain when she died or sadness, but I was younger then and still full of my own hubris. I hadn't become an adult in the sense that we all know. I hadn't had to be a productive member of society who truly appreciates what he has. Now that I struggle with life the way most people do and can look back at how much better it was to float through the ether with no real troubles I realize what I am missing and how much people have shaped my life without me realizing it.

I now spend a lot of time thinking about the person I am and how I am affected by others. I am trying my best to get back to that ether but keep my feet on the ground. struggling to find the best of both worlds. But I digress, let me tell you about Dorothy because you need to know.

I met her when my family lived in Denver. She was a friend of my grandmother. Like most people I meet I was unsure of her and paid close attention to this stranger in my midst. You see I was only 5 years old. Strangers made and still make me uncomfortable, but Dorothy had magic, you see. My brother was like a dog, as I recall he took to her immediately he was all about new people. I was like a cat, easily over-stimulated and skittish of the new and overenthusiastic. I thought she liked him more at first because she kept her distance from me. But she just knew that she had to wait for me to come around. Such are the memories of the young. It was really good judgement from a woman who had dealt with people but it still seems a lot like magic.

We used to have game nights, on the same nights there was a new episode of the Golden Girls. She loved that show. She lived alone and had three adult children (she was a contemporary of my grandmother after all) but her kids are another story. Game nights usually consisted of trivial pursuit or Win Lose or Draw (because fuck pictionary, Win Lose or Draw was a TV game show hosted by Vicki Lawrence. Who hosted pictionary? nobody, that's who.) These evenings were full of laughter and dessert. If it was cake she got the middle piece, no arguments, if it was cheesecake she had the biggest piece and then there was the Frankenstein creation known as cherry slop...( I gave it that name, and it stuck) Cherry slop was a can of cherry pie filling covered in yellow cake mix with pads of butter on top then baked. It was the easiest dessert to make ever. I remember no specifics of these times and what we laughed at but we started game night when we met her and it stopped when she got sick. My memory blurs all of this and just says happy.

Now Dorothy wasn't just a happy person. She had a rough life in a lot of respects. I didn't know much about them but I knew one thing. All of her children suffered from alcoholism in some form or another. And she seemed like just underneath her good humor she had weathered a lot of storms.

She loved football, and stand-up comedy (as long as they didn't just yell at the audience) and Neil Diamond.
I don't think she could have been prouder of my choosing to do theatre. though I can't remember if she ever saw me on stage (once again floating in ether and hubris) but she was proud. She was a very dirty woman. Not physically, but her humor was very suggestively blue. She liked men. The half naked kind. The completely naked ones too I would assume. She was dirty but never vulgar. I remember one time during a game of win lose or draw she had to draw the phrase "rubber check".

She drew a condom.

My fifteen year old brother guessed it.

This is my family.

When she moved to Washington we missed her and then when tragedy struck our family and we had to move there was only one real option. Move to be near family. I was only ten at the time so that is what it felt like. It felt like we would move across the country away from all I knew but there would be someone there who made it all better.

She taught me how to play video games. Suck on that ageists. A contemporary of my grandmother was the first one to put a controller in my hand and teach me to play legend of Zelda on super Nintendo. I had played in arcades before but it was from her I learned the patience that is necessary for console gaming.

When she got sick my mother was her caretaker. she lived about a five minute walk for us and...

Dorothy had been a smoker her whole life, like I am sure she smoked as an infant. But she eventually quit. Story telling symmetry would like me to believe that it was at the same time her son David joined AA, but I am not sure of that. Anyhow, she lived several healthy years until she started complaining of pain in her leg and a doctor visit concluded she had lung cancer that had metastasized to her bones...

I didn't know what any of this meant but the life slowly drained from the sun as I watched over a period of months. Then she was gone.

I stood at her funeral and told all those present that a piece of every performance I gave would be for her. And that is still true to this day.

She was a big part of my history and I feel like I should tell you not just so you get a better picture of me, but because there is so much that I don't remember that I don't want to forget any more.

Thank you for letting me indulge in the past. And thank you Dorothy for everything you gave, I am a better person for your efforts.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Petty Gabe and his heartbreak

I read a post this morning about the nominees for the broadway world award thing and saw the name of an ex-girlfriend. I thought for about 5 minutes about how shitty a person I thought she was and how that immediately disqualified her from anything good happening to her ever. Because that is the way the world works inside my head. if you and I are at odds currently the universe should shit all over you and not take into account that you may have something good to offer. I have been thinking this way a lot recently.

I went to the wedding of a dear friend and ran into a guy I don't talk to anymore. Mostly because he was always obnoxious and a had a habit for saying the stupidest things imaginable. And he now has a wife and 2 kids and a house and a good job with prospects on a better job. My envy got the better of me and I thought about all the things that made his life shittier than mine so I could feel better.

Then I realized that I was making life into a sitcom. The episode where the main character goes to a class reunion and finds himself coming short of all his peers and then some sweet female character kisses him and says he is the perfect man for her. The crowd AWWWWWS at the moment and he has learned a valuable life lesson. But then next week the poor schlub goes back to being an idiot. I fucking hate that.

If my life sucks or is any less than someone else's it is because I feel that way about it to begin with and obviously need to make a change. The truth is that the guy at the wedding is still a little bitch and an obnoxious asshat. He may have better things than I do and he may have his family life all planned out but that is not my fucking business. My personal life is fantastic. I am in a much better place than I have ever been. My job wears on me a lot and I think it is time I made myself able to be in a better position but that is my job and not on anyone else. So problem solved...

Except not.

I like to consider myself a decent actor. I do theatre that makes me happy. I have a hard time with the idea of awards because while i like the idea of someone saying how great I am, I also don't think that should ever come into play as to why I do it. At it's heart, awards are all about marketing. if you have won an award you can put it on your resume and people are more likely to buy you for their next project.

And yes I will admit it here...I wish I could be a professional actor I don't care about starving or being homeless, as I have said to others. It isn't about being lazy or careless...

I'm just scared.

I don't like failing. I want to be assured that all my hard work won't be for nothing. But I don't know how to do that. It is why I like the work so much. It feels like I am doing what I want for a change.

That being said this blog has taken a turn I didn't expect it to...

I was going to go into the fact that hating an ex for getting nominated is a bullshit concept. That my own feelings about others doesn't make them less of a person. I was going to go into a full rant about my list of exes and do a where are they now thing for a gag and say that I have learned to wish them well. I was going to talk about how doing theatre isn't about my ego and that awards while nice really shouldn't be anything to make me feel like a lesser performer or any more of  performer in the case of those doing it.

But I have come to the realization that I want more. I want more in my real life job and I want more from theatre. I love them both.That is what I have learned here And I am tired of being the lowest man on the totem at work, but that can be changed with more education. And I am tired of playing the same thing over and over which makes me overlooked by everyone. I can put out the best performance of the asshole that learns something and I can inform exactly how decent a guy that character is before you learn he is a nice guy but I want more. I love that guy. But I am that guy. and I want to be able to show that I can be something else. I am an actor for fucks sake.

I can do anything. I just wanted you to know.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Actors...I shit 'em

I have said before that I started acting when I was sixteen. When I was fifteen I watched a group from the high school play some theatre games for us as an enticement to join the theatre. One of the girls in the group was a friend of my brother's so that made it seem cool. Plus I had done a ton of improv games with my father and the church group that I was a part of up until I had my falling out with organized religion, but that is another story entirely. 

Through the years I have worked with some great people and a surprising number of them are dead now and no one in the theatre scene remembers them. Great men. Great women gone from people's memory. People I truly loved. My high school drama  teacher, the woman who taught me all my basics, dead. Remembered only by Lakes High School alumni who were old enough to take her class. Dr. Les Price, who believed in my talent as a young actor, died of cancer. Remembered by only a few people who I have worked with and keep in touch with. Doug Saxby, A lovely, wonderful man who captured my attention every time he spoke. When he spoke it was always something worth hearing. Dead. Of course he was in his late seventies when I met him but one but a few people I converse with remember him. And those are just a few of the souls who directed me on stage and in life.

Now, most of the people I know in theatre are still alive. The number of them that I respect...well let's just say that there aren't many.

You are probably wondering where this is all leading.

Doug Saxby once told me that a famous actor used to look through the curtain at the audience and whisper silently "You sons of bitches" but when he went onstage he made the audience love him. Stephen Borsuk (alive) once told me when playing a character to go out and fuck the audience. Make them scream and want to fuck you. But my favorite mentor for theatre I have ever had is Henryk Wroszynski. That man once said to a cast working for him, when asked what method of acting he subscribed to, "we will use whatever method works." That man has taught me more about theatre than anyone ever has.

You see besides being an actor, I am also a punk and part-time rude-boy in the respect that I am into punk music and ska and that I rebel against most things people tell me about the rules. And when it comes to rules of theatre I only adhere to a few. I know a lot of people lately who have quoted others on what is important in the theatre and I have heard a number of stories of people doing acting exercises that were just so important that you wouldn't believe the performance it pulled out of them.

You are fucking stupid.

Here is what is important:
Show up ready to work
Do the job while you are there.
Know your place
Have fun
Don't be afraid to talk yell scream what you think
Go the fuck home and have a life

A paltry list, I know, but that is all there is. Anyone tells you different and they are lying to you. If someone tells you that warm-ups are absolutely necessary to participate in, tell that festering tit boil to go suck a mangy infected cock. If anyone tells you an exercise is absolutely important to pulling a character out of you for a marvelous performance remember that is not their place to determine. All of it is just an excuse to revel in the art or craft of acting, and theory like that makes you into one of those mindless elitist cockholes that make people hate theatre and actors in the first place. You sound like a douchebag. If you listen to music, or warm-up, or create a power animal like some hippie fuckwad who wants to connect a character with nature, that is fine but don't think for a moment that anyone else gives two flying cunts. 

Also I have had people as of late try to tell me that some parts of the theatre are more important than others? If you think one part is more imortant or is "the most important" you are going to see your entire project collapse before your eyes. So don't waste your time on importance.You are there to WORK! For whatever reason that might be. If it gives you an adrenaline rush. If it caters to getting you attention you do or don't get in life. If you just love the whole process and want to be a part of it all. If you love the dissection of character and love the journey you get to take in discovery, whatever reason you have you are there to work. Not to give a shit how many audience members are there. Not to play fucking games. Not to feel superior to other people. You are there to work. 

If you got into theatre for the money, then someone fucking lied to you and you were dumb enough to believe it.

I guess what I am saying is what Henryk said. Do what works, but I would add that we should realize that not all actors work the same. They don't all fit a pattern. At best your performance may have all the pieces fit together but the puzzle wont have any edge pieces. It won't be easy, the edges will be rough, some parts of the picture might be missing and it certainly won't be pretty in spots. But the work got done. Then you can go the fuck home and have a life. And don't think for a second that it matters in the grand scheme of things. 

Doug Kerr once said to a cast that I was in to, "not let our heads get to big by doing this show, after all there are people in china who don't even fucking know that you or this show exists."

And in the end the people you love, who truly shape your world will be gone and no one will remember them or anything they said. So don't think for a second that this experience is for anyone but yourself. If you keep trying to make it for other people you might miss the target. If you make it for you, others might get something out of it and feel like they saw a part of you that is worth seeing, and you are guaranteed some happiness for yourself(have fun).

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, July 11, 2013

At the risk of really offending someone...

Ok, I was trying to wait until this congealed in my head as a solid thought because I am having trouble and need to know more from the high minded individuals I call friends and family. Let me just say that, ever since I was cognizant of what it is, I have been a supporter of the LGBT community. I am a supporter of equal rights for all of sexualities, but a couple of recent articles have given me pause to consider one initial in that set. I have no issue at all with the LGB portion of it. I am a firm believer that the definitions of sexuality can be changed with no problem. Those in the against category would argue that sex is for the instinctual purpose of procreating but at a deeper level I believe we all just want to cum and whatever gets you there is fantastic. Unless its children. They got another several years to get used to just the basics of living before we throw the confusion of sex and emotions involved. If you wanna steal that innocence do us all a favor and kill yourself because sex isn't about cumming for you. And that is just unnatural. In fact any sex that has nothing to do with cumming or interpersonal connection is wrong.

But I digress. The definitions of the word sexuality could use a little broadening and changing. We are a people who are constrained by words and their definitions. Learning to bridge the gap between peoples definitions is where it gets tricky. Which brings me to my point. The transgendered. The T in LGBT has been showing up in my consciousness lately. And I guess the things that are bothering me is where I need the discussion.

I read an online comic some of you are familiar with called Penny Arcade. I love their stuff and am a fan. I have prints of some of their comics on my wall. The artist for the comic got into some hot water when he had a discussion about a game that basically teaches women how to masturbate. The discussion was that the game was intellectually bigoted against those of the transgendered community because it is marketed as a game for women and some transgendered consider themselves women without the corresponding anatomy. The artist felt that this was not the case because people with vaginas are generally women. The man was called cis male garbage and even had someone threaten to kill him. He eventually apologized for his role in all that transpired and had some great conversations with some other people that really opened his eyes to some greater truths. Which is partially what I am endeavoring to do here.

In other news, I read an article this morning about a transgendered member who is in nursing school who has been threatened with expulsion for using the women's restroom. This is being labeled as intolerance by the person who wrote the article. Now the assertion of the article expresses that she can no longer use the bathroom that is in the building she takes classes in. Instead she must use a restroom on the other side of campus in the admin building that resembles a janitorial bathroom.

These are two examples that have come into my consciousness that I have trouble with. At heart I believe the definition of sexuality can be broadened to include all. But it is a much harder prospect to change our definitions of gender. Sure the campus could put unisex bathrooms and the game company could make a masturbatory game for all people but I think the problem can be solved at a deeper level.

Like I said sexuality is a definition that can be broadened but I believe terms like male and female are too broad. Saying something is male in our society carries so much more than just having a dick.

The game in question probably has some ambiguous title like women's sensuality trainer when this would be better to just call it what it is. Twat whacker trainer or Pussy fingering guide. It would be still exclusionary but those who identify as female, without vaginas would know that it isn't for them.

Bathrooms are labeled male and female. So either have unisex bathrooms or label them for corresponding anatomy. This bathroom is for individuals with penises. That Bathroom is for individuals with vaginas. Or maybe people should just mind their own fucking business in the fucking bathroom and stop looking at what other people are doing in there. Honestly the quimstain that reported the transgendered woman in the bathroom is spending way to much time worried about other fucking peoples bathroom habits. It's a bathroom get in and get out, ya fucking vain ass bitch!

Specifics and generalities are what get us in trouble. When I am looking at a specific person I can treat them however they want. I am glad to call you whatever you want to be called. All my pronouns will correspond. Generalities are what get us in trouble. Referring to large groups never works. Stereotypes and grouping people together doesn't work. I put it to you that it never has.

When speaking in generalities your words need to be simpler. Individuals are complex. Mobs are simple.

If you need to soften the bathroom words for kids we can say innies and outties. There, you paranoid childish freaks.

Communication is everything and just bringing up this topic gives me some insight but I feel like this is only the beginning of the conversation and I really look forward to everything I am going to learn.

With deep and abiding affection

Saturday, December 15, 2012

In the face of tragedy...shut your fucking face.

I fucking hate all of you.

Every single fuckass who mentioned the school shooting yesterday just became more of a fuckass in book.

If you are a close friend of mine I am sure I will forgive in time but right now you are fucking idiots.

Let me break this down for you. Every time a tragedy like this strikes news media goes into overdrive about all the details. I have to watch crying families and traumatized victims for the next 6 hours and it will continue for the next several weeks. Despite the fact that every expert I have ever seen says this is the exact wrong fucking thing to do if you want to prevent more violence. To prevent more kids from dying, stop doing this thing you are doing. Most of you would say OK and stop doing it because you couldn't live with that shit on your conscience. But the news media makes money.

That is what this is about. Making money. Getting something from the death of children. profiting from death. And we all watch it. Feeling heartbroken, outraged, alone, and afraid. Fear becomes currency. And then it perpetuates to social media. This is the second part of the equation. Now I feel bad that some kids died. I feel bad for their parents and I say that right now so that you will understand when I say, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! Guess what, the parents who lost their kid don't care either. They are too busy grieving the loss to their family to say, gee I hope some whiny douchesuck in the pacific northwest is thinking about me and my loss. Unless you are headed out to Connecticut right now to give free counseling and love to those people your prayers mean absolute dick. I am not saying you can't pray for them but what in your fucking self centered puckered asshole were you thinking when you thought the rest of the internet needed to know that?

Hey everyone look at me I have feelings and I am a good person too. Go fuck yourself, you fucking cunt maggot. You aren't fucking special. These situations arise for the rest of us as moments to  reflect and eventually discuss. EVENTUALLY, being the key fucking word.

As for your politics on gun control, again, fuck you. I understand you are afraid. everyone is. But do not substitute your fear and anger at something senseless with something that isn't the issue. when the smoke begins to clear on this is when we can bring up the side topics but for now the issue is the pain of the families. You only cheapen yourselves when you start in fighting over the details. Your other problem is that you forget once it is over to have the conversation." 26 people dead from gun violence? that was last week. We certainly don't have a problem with guns this week. We can so talk about this later."

The comments that brought me to the point of actually writing this are the businesses who write on facebook that their hearts and prayers go out to the victims. When Baskin Robbins, Starbucks, and many other companies write shit like that all I can think is...Fuck your hearts and prayers...send money. I just lost my toddler, I will cry about it for years and be torn apart inside and I certainly hope Baskin Robbins cares about that but don't for fucks sake put out a statement like that when you don't need to. Our president is our leader and I understand him trying to put some minds at ease. I appreciate that. No matter who the president is but I don't care if Starbucks is heartbroken. Yeah they should be, but shut your fucking face. As a business who has money and could actually perform an action, as opposed to just writing three sentences, all that says to me is your doing the same thing individuals are doing but in your case you kinda hope that people will say, "wow, Starbucks and World Market care about this...I will spend money there.

Fear becomes currency. If one person decides to shop with you because you wrote that statement on facebook rather than the fact that you sell good products, You have just profited off the death of a child. Hope you can sleep at night.

Which brings me to the last thought I have on this. I read a number of posts about people with kids saying that they either were currently or wishing they could hug their kids at that moment. I have no problem with that. I support it. But I want to ask one question that I don't need an answer on I just want you to think about it. Are you hugging them out of love or fear? I hope to god it is love. Because they can tell the difference. You should hug your kid everyday out of love whether tragedy strikes or not. If you hug them in fear then you're just putting your fear into them.

I feel terribly about using this situation or any situation really as a source for my anger. It isn't mine to be angry about. Right now I am in a good place. I have no children but love kids and my friends and family. But I couldn't sit on the sidelines while I watched well meaning people act like idiots out of fear. Most of the country didn't face that gun, didn't watch those children die first hand and certainly aren't crying about a loved one who did. so close your mouth open your ears and listen to those that did. Send your prayers to whatever god you believe in look for solace in nature and religion and in faith that most of humanity is intact. close your in love that everything will be alright and hold up your brothers and sisters who can't do it for themselves because they are crippled with grief.

Listen, help others, act in good faith, and do it without your opinion getting in the way.

With deep and abiding affection,

Monday, October 22, 2012

I don't know where imma gonna go...

I started doing theatre when I was sixteen. I had long hair, incredibly bad teeth and I at that point had been a major outcast. For many reasons. My teeth were green from lack of care and all broken i smelled bad and I was unkempt in every way you can imagine. Theatre helped me escape. I was good at it too. Or so I thought. at 18 I got my dentures and was immediately more noticed by my high school peers. Showing me exactly how petty and shallow people really are. When I went to Pierce college I continued in theatre and saw myself on tape for the first time and I knew...I was fucking horrible. So I did what I could do to get better. I did every show I could. I cut my hair which somehow made me more noticeable to the opposite sex. showing me once again how shallow people really are. I worked with a lot of great people in the area. Then something happened.

I began to get depressive and my moods would swing all over the place. It didn't help my love life and it certainly didn't help my theatre life. I broke down even more when I went through a series of love affairs that ripped my heart right out of my chest. I consigned myself to working only in shows done by a good friend of mine. It was gypsy theatre and it gave me the opportunity to do shows that never got done in this community. we lost money and we didn't care we weren't acting to make money. theatre was never about money for us.

I did a production of Cripple of Inishmaan that saw an angry Gabriel getting raw eggs cracked over his face. Not a pleasant moment. the cast thought it was hilarious of course but somehow i couldn't shake my rage. I realized then that i had lost something. there was a time when I enjoyed acting simply for what it was. I did great shows mediocre shows and terrible shows but then I got my soul crushed to put it over dramatically and I became some sort of theatre snob with no real reason to be so. I had lost my love. So I quit. I didn't set foot in a theatre for 4 years. I was so angry at everything. I thought it was because I lost my love for it. but that wasn't it.

I was afraid. I was afraid of being unaccepted by everyone. A fear that still haunts me to this day. I know I am loved and yet I fear at any moment the entire world will abandon me and leave me alone. Not an uncommon fear, and not uncommon for those who have it, to do what I did, and hermit themselves proactively. I even moved to the bay area as soon as the opportunity presented itself.

I went to a city that wasn't my home for 2 years. The whole time I dreamed of getting back to a theatre but I was too scared. I also was not aware that my snobbery had not ended. So when I returned married and full of anger at myself for denying an entire part of myself  I still never auditioned for anything. Then I got a call from an unlikely place. A director wanted me to audition for Macbeth because he had seen me in As you like it so many years ago at Lakewood Playhouse. Lakewood was the theatre i first acted in outside of high school. It was like coming home again. I was so nervous I couldn't get a grasp on any sort of character until it had gotten to being off book. I was so reclusive from everyone because yet again I was afraid that I would not be acceptable. And the list of local favorite players had changed so much. No one knew me anymore. I did a few pieces largely those I felt would exercise my abilities. And it only continued my feeling like was in this for some higher purpose. like I was superior. but I am not. I am not superior. i am a scared little boy with many issues about feeling unaccepted by the world. not an uncommon trait among actors but the problem with these feelings is that you aren't logically able to see how many others feel just like you do and it only perpetuates the self fulfilling prophecy of being alone.

That I am sure was the reason most of my relationships have ended. My fear is very palpable and can hit very hard. I explode, I implode, I am massively emotionally destructive. As many people witnessed recently. There was a review.

Now I don't want to hurt any one's feelings here but I am going to be honest. I am currently in a show. A show I was by no means excited to do. A show that I feel I have struggled with to get my part to its feet. I deluded myself into thinking it was going to be well within my grasp because it wasn't a show that I considered to be too good. But I was wrong. the show is good because the people in it are good. They worked hard over some really tough problems and I don't think I treated this as seriously as I could. That being said I don't think my performance is two dimensional as was reported. The character has a lot of depth and I have begun to learn about subtle details that I would never have thrown in before. details so small the audience may not notice...but I do. and that intrigues me. That I can find such insignificant moments so challenging. how does one act like coffee is hot, when the stand in liquid is ice cold. It is those moments, where I learn, that bring me joy.

But I forgot that. Instead I ranted and raved about how wrong the reviewer was. I exploded about how I couldn't give a shit what he thought or what an audience thought. but that isn't the truth. I am just scared. Scared that someone will read it and say "you know he is right. Gabriel is the shittiest actor I have ever seen. He is such a drag to that show and it is his performance that is responsible for the fact that it isn't doing as well as it could have."

What i have forgotten is that the show is subjective  a lot of people have really enjoyed it and more will come and enjoy it or not and it has nothing to do with me. It never will. But more than that i have forgotten the joy.

I do shows because I have fun doing them but I used to be so full of joy to be on the stage that nothing could have brought me down. That, my friends is going to change. this show will not change in characterization but it will be better. because I am going to find the joy in it for me. come see it.

And come see my next show at Tacoma Little Theatre. Miracle on 34th street. Yeah it's cheesy and christmasy and full of fluff and sugar coated but I will find the joy in it and I will be damned if I will ever forget again. Besides this show could use a pirate like me in it.

With deep and abiding affection,