Thursday, December 23, 2010

Fair Weather Fuck You

Today we talk about fair weather and fake friends. In my world I call these people acquaintances and don't spend too much time with them. However my good friend Kate Holland has requested I talk about these leeches. You all know one of these people. the type who only calls hen their life sucks and they need you to give the advice they won't follow. The person who magically calls you when things are going well in your life so that they can either screw it up or get something out of it.

Or even worse the fucking people who call themselves your friend and then drop you for the stupidest fucking reason possible.

Its hard for me to get upset at anyone else but myself when it comes to this topic. I have lost some important people in my life due to shitty choices I made. I can never undo those choices and I can never make up for what I have done. I can only say I am sorry and what a jackass I have been. But that isn't enough to mend the bonds of friendship.

However when I see others doing this type of damage to their friends and loved ones it drives me fucking insane. Do you not see where you will fucking end up? Do you not see that if you break those bonds they cannot be mended. I have sat idly by and watched good friends just fade from my life and I cannot bear the thought of letting you people go through the same thing if you can help it.

Please stop. Forget your fucking feelings or your useless pride. If you have a friend that you are pushing away because of some jackass reason, please stop being such a used tampon biter swallow your pride and call them. Don't even talk about the issue. Act like a goddamned friend and see what they have been up to. Please take a chance. End your fucktarded jealousy or useless cunt numbing excuses bite the bullet and be a human fucking being for once in your miserable dick smooching life.

As for the other kind of friend...the ones who don't call you unless they need something. Fuck them. They aren't friends they are useless suck hounds who aren't worth the meat they are carrying on those useless bones.

I have a friend who is currently being pushed away by someone. All for the dumbest reason possible. All it is doing is hurting my friend. And I don't care about the reasons the pusher has for leaving my friend in the cold. It isn't right. I just hope that the person reads this and takes a cue from my experience.

Because there was once I had a really good friend who made a mistake and offended the woman I was married too. But instead of talking to him and working things out she shut my friend out. So I did the same out of anger and because I thought it was what I was expected to do. It has been 3 years now. I am getting divorced. I thought I could hash things out with my friend once again. I was wrong. Now I can never get that back. I miss him every day. I remember all the times he had my back and I had his. And It is all gone because of 2 mistakes (1 his and 1 mine) and 3 years of silence.

I have no problems with cutting someone out your life for legit reasons. I just ask that those reasons be considered heavily before you break something that can't be fixed.

Merry Christmas and remember your loyalty, your love, and your friendship are the most important things in the world.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The problem with mobs.

Our winner asked me very simply if I had done a rant on flash mobs. This one I can feel the heat from certain folks I know who do flash mobs. But in earlier posts I have taken no mercy on saying exactly what I feel so I cannot in good conscience do the same thing here no matter who hates me for my opinion.

That being said...I fucking hate flash mobs. I have never seen one in person. I have never participated in one. The concept of them sorta angers me. I understand that the concept is fun to execute and that your intended arena gives people something to look at outside of their daily grind...OK I get that part. What I don't get is the failure on the part of these mobs to understand a basic fundamental part of theatre. Understanding your audience.

Now I have seen certain groups do flash mobs that sounded fun and caused a good time for those watching. Improv Everywhere based in NYC is pretty good about doing shit that is not very disruptive. But I have seen whole mobs do dance routines in a department store. A fucking department store! Who the fuck does that? If I take the time to go out shopping I either want to enjoy the shopping process or I want to get the fuck in and get the fuck out. I don't need 300 jackoff, cum guzzling, fuck biscuits dancing to whatever half assed no talent cunt with half a voice made the fucking billboard charts for 5 minutes while I am trying to get through my fucking day.

The issue is conformity. The first flash mob was designed as an experiment to make fun of social conformity. To make fun of those people who need to belong to some group. Now they have become the perfect vehicle for those who belong to make some show of force in the fucking world. Imagine everywhere huge cliques of people you hated in high school showing up and ruining your fucking day.

Even worse are the flash mobs that deign to put an element of fun into your day and just violate peoples space. Such as pillow fight day. Imagine walking down the street when 5000 people just start pillow fighting all around you. Now I don't care how fun that sounds. If you aren't a part of it you have just been included in a giant puffy ambush. And lets not fucking forget the word fight is right in the title. You are unwittingly made a part of a big free for all fight. Which if just one person is in the wrong mood the whole thing can go from fluffy pillow fight, to actual fight, to big ass fucking riot.

Long before this idiotic and played out trend started there were protests and groups of people that organised and even those well thought out groups and organized parties still turned to shit. peaceful protests turn to riots too. And they weren't thought out in 20 minutes.

I know that being so far afield from these may cause people to believe that I am just a jackass who pisses on the good time of others who are just trying to express themselves.  And I am. Get the fuck out of my way you useless pricks! Other people who want to perform find venues and places where an audience can choose to go see you. If no one wants to go see you perform. Those are the fucking breaks. Find a new hobby.

And If you need to flash mob. Be fucking creative and non disruptive. Because if I get hit by a pillow on a walk downtown or cant to the section of the store I need because 500 people in gold pants are dancing in my way. I just might start start punching people.

With deep and aiding affection,

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

christmas vs. xmas...which side are you on.

My winner of the blog contest said she was having an argument with a relative about the words Christmas and Xmas. Her relative said some variation on the quote' "if you forget the Christ in Christmas than Christ might forget you." Rather a harsh statement if you ask me. Especially coming from a christian.

Now for a moment let me focus on just the words. Christmas and Xmas, if you believe they are the same thing, are a ridiculous jackassed pairing. It would seem that in further shortening and cutesying of our language that we believe the letter x having really no sound of its own can take the place of anything. With all the fucking places x has been it must be the fucking superman of letters. You mean it can sound like a z, a k-s sound, and apparently the the entire fucking word Christ.

Let me just piss of any true believers for a second and now make the suggestion we start referring to Malcolm X as Malcolm Christ.......yeah, fuck you too.

So linguistically the swap from Christmas to Xmas doesn't work for me. But that is if you view them to be the same thing.

I however don't believe them to be the same thing.

Christmas is the celebration by Christians and their kin to mark the day of Jesus' birth. (Hang on, I will get to that in a minute you impatient fucksticks.) It is the religious holiday for those of the christian faith. These are the people who shove Jesus in your fucking face and say shit like "he's the reason for the season."

Xmas is the celebration of the same day but is for the secular crowd who don't believe in Christianity but don't wanna pass up a good party or the chance to shop. They get saddled with the burden of why Christmas has become so fucking over commercialized as well as the fact that there is a non existent "war on Christmas."

Now both of these have there crosses to bear. (No pun intended) The Christians are overbearing shit guzzlers who feel it is necessary to remind us that they are celebrating the birth of their savior. Despite the fact that most scholars can't really pin down the man's birthday. I have heard that is actually during the summer, I have heard that it is probably in early fall. For sure though we can remember one thing. And that is that religion has lied to us before. Religion will do what it wants in order to get an end result. So the Christians absconded with the winter solstice celebration in order to give the holiday a religious bent. So Jesus is powerful enough to change his fucking birthday to whenever he wants, since we don't know when it is anyway, and in the same swift stroke beat out the pagans for a holiday because evidently the Christians could throw a better party and make everyone forget about the pagan rituals just up the street on December 21st. But don't remind the Christians that a lot of their Christmas traditions still come from pagan lore. That will be our little secret. it upsets them too much and they tend to start crying.

Then the secularists come along with there big business and there tendency to shorten words to make them fit on various purchasable objects and take the Christ right out of the season. Which seemed to disappear quite easily if you ask me. I mean fuck! Give the Christians 30% off and they run screaming to the store just as fast as the non-believers. But they also gave the Christians something to bitch about. And Christians LOVE to bitch about things. They bitch that people forget why we are celebrating. They bitch that they can't scream merry Christmas at you in stores because it might offend non Christians. They bitch that people buy too much shit and don't go to fucking church enough. They bitch that it would seem secularists are doing to them exactly what they did to the fucking pagans a couple thousand years ago.

Fuck off!

Look...I like the holiday no matter what name you put it under. The decorations put up. The lights. The shopping for people you love. The charity given to others. It is all fine by me. So why ruin it with fucking semantics. Who cares what the fucking reason is. Give til it hurts and then give some more. Love others and be a decent person. After all the teachings are more important than the man himself. We should be following ideas not people. And we should not be ashamed to celebrate a holiday that at its heart is just about giving and kindness no matter what your religious beliefs.

I guarantee if you forget the Christ in Christmas Christ won't forget you. But you might get to say it to more people in public. Because if it isn't about Christ then everyone can get on board. And if everyone is on board then we can stop fighting each other and focus on what is really important.

Happy Holidays

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Are you fucking kidding me?

A few weeks ago I had a friend in need of some help. I rushed at great risk to myself to help this person and get them what they needed. My act of self sacrifice was applauded by many around me. But why?

Why do we get such accolades for doing the right thing. Believe it or not I do the right fucking thing for people all the time. If my friends need help and I can feasibly be the one to help them then I make sure I do it. That is what a friend does. And yet the act is treated like the fucking second coming.

Now I have no problem taking credit for my good deeds and I have no trouble giving credit when they are done for me. But why do we act so fucking ecstatic when we are helped out? When we should just be fucking angry as hell at those people who do nothing. Why is inaction the normal?

We should be bending over fucking backwards as the standard action one takes to help a friend. Those who sit on their ass and help no one but themselves should be treated like fucking lepers.

To all of them who fit that profile, and you know who you are, FUCK YOU! You worthless spineless fucking gelatinous pus fuckers. Anyone so heartless as to not give a shit about those they profess to love aren't worth spitting on.

I have a love in my life and she and I have both seen friends act as if we are doing the wrong thing. You know what fuckers? Yeah there is a 13 year difference in our ages. You know what? Fuck you! We make one another happy which is what friends and loved ones are supposed to do. The age difference doesn't matter and it never has and it never will. You can think anything you want but the reality is this. No one is going to change my mind about how I feel based on an arbitrary number.So either get right with it or go the fuck away!

Look we are mostly all friends here. So I guess what I am saying is be good to one another. Your real friends should be there for you whenever you need them. And If they aren't then you should kick there ass to the curb. I should know. I have been kicked to the curb before and have learned my lesson. The curb is cold and fucking lonely. I would rather put forth some extra effort and be with friends, rather than be there again.

With deep and abiding affection,

P.S.  I am starting a little contest. Since I am running out of things that piss me off, I want yours. when this link gets posted on facebook it will come with a question about me or it will come with song lyrics be the first to guess it correctly and I will let you tell me the topic of my next hate filled venom spiked tirade. Just remember that you can only pick the have no control on where I go with it. Good luck you fuckers!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Snow: an open message of hate

I fucking hate snow. I hate it so sincerely, so purely, that it consumes my whole being.I truly cannot fathom those who think it is such a wonderful occurrence. Those who do look at it with a child like innocence that i wish I could muster. The most I can say is that it is pretty to look at.

When I was just a 5 year old boy we moved from Phoenix, AZ to Denver, CO. Until that time the  most severe weather I had encountered was 100 degree weather and the occasional lightning storm (to this day I still think lightning and thunder is sexy but that is another story). We moved in the summertime. so the transition from Phoenix to Denver was incredibly smooth. Denver is a lot cooler in summer and it never dawned on me what I was in for when September and October rolled around. The shock to my system was tremendous.

What the fuck was this cold shit?! It falls from the sky makes it cold and wet and turns everyone into a raving fucking lunatic. Now I was 5 years old for fucks sake and all I could think was that the world had played some sort of cruel joke on me. I remembered snow from the television when we lived in Arizona. It always looked like fun and people were always happy to be in it.

I then learned people were happy to be in it because they were mentally ill.

Not only that but it turns normal asshole children into fucking psycho nutjobs. As a nerdy misfit child who didn't have much in the way of popularity and no prior experience with the phenomenon of falling frozen droplets. I was the victim of some of the worst child crime ever. Its as if god hates you and is now sending your oppressors a weapon that only they know how to use. Oh sure you can fucking make the snowballs and try to defend yourself but just try and you will soon find out you should've just run because now while you try to put shit together for a return volley that will inevitably miss. you are being pelted by snowballs at a rate that you were certain only a machine could muster. And these cock bags just don't quit.

When asked once why I hated snow my answer was greeted by the idea that i needed to look at it from the fucking perspective of the positive. The only people who reap any positives of snow are kids and I wasn't very good at being a kid. Adults get all the shittier parts of snow. They don't get to wait anxiously to see if work is going to close up today. and if you are throwing snowballs at are a douchebag. It isn't funny anymore you are just a fuckhead that likes to hit people with shit. Adults have to wade through the frozen tundra to go to work. they have to drive and slip on black ice, they have to deal with electrical outages. And they are expected to do it with aplomb. But adults are shitty human beings and they are stupid and inconsiderate. This is what leads to accidents and people stuck in traffic for hours and destruction of property. And that is all without snow.

Throw in the massive unpredictability of ice and cold and your normal idiot turns into someone slightly more intelligent than a brick. they always think they can do shit that they can't and chaos ensues.

So when snow starts falling I get cold I get cranky and I get pissed off. I am reminded of fear and pain from childhood. I am reminded of stupidity and destruction in my adult life.

But maybe I am sentimental or maybe I am just hoping that I can have that same childlike wonder that others get when the snow falls. But somewhere in my brain a little flower is blooming in the cold. and forces are at work to change my mind. They may never get there...but I appreciate the effort.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Abuse by numbers

About a month ago the guardian of one of my clients at work directed my attention to a study performed by the GAO on the rampant abuse of power of DD and elderly clients by their court appointed guardians.

The study was supposed to give an accurate portrayal of just how bad the abuse of power was. Now normally a study like this focuses on the amount of people who abuse power and those that don't coming to a general average and coming up with a result.

However what did the GAO do? They fucked the general model in the ass. They didn't come up with a fucking average. Instead they took 20 cases where abuse occurred and showed their findings as an amount of money that had been swindled and a looming crisis of guardians being appointed without background checks. Without ever mentioning in the study that there are in fact guardians who don't abuse their clients.

So now there is a big media storm about another way our government fucks us. All because Some piss poor researchers decided it was better to wear their own ass as a fucking hat rather than do some actual work.

It got me thinking about studies and polls in general. We all quote scientific studies we have heard about to prove numbers and what not so we can win some piss poor debate with a friend. I certainly have. But for every fuckass study that proves one theory, there is another one that proves the opposite. How are we expected to know which one is right and which ones are proved under more dubious circumstances?

We aren't. We are supposed to swallow these answers and spew them out to people as truth so we can sound smarter than we are. Then we feel the smug satisfaction of some victory that isn't real.

Poll numbers are the exact same to me. every time I see a poll all I can think is that I don't fucking care. I have my own opinion. Why do I give a shit what the chickendicked cornholers who watch CNN or Fox news think about an election? Am I supposed to care simply because it is a mass of mindless cuntfungus who have nothing better to do but to call Wolf Blitzer or Sean Hannity and give there useless opinion that others may not agree with, much less care about?

All I am truly saying is that we need to be smarter than this. Polls are generated numbers that mean exactly fuck all to the reality of life. And studies don't show anything. It is all useless knowledge that we probably paid for. A few years later another study will show that the study before didn't know what it was talking about.

People...stop looking for answers to be simple. With almost 400 million people in the United States, no answer is going to be simple or all encompassing. And anyone who tells you different is lying to you and just wants to prove to you another bullshit study.

The GAO study showed that in 20 cases where abuse had been proven 5.4 million dollars had been stolen from 158 victims. These numbers are terrible and mean nothing if you take into account that there are approximately 4.3 million developmentally disabled clients and exponentially more elderly clients. these numbers are meant to confuse and create anger and possible action on the part of the public. but going off half cocked like that is going to create a huge mess. Especially for guardians who treat their clients with respect.

Well done people. Once again we prove my theory that even the smartest people who have power and money to fund such things are incredibly fucking stupid at times.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I am positive.

So a huge revelation occurred a few days ago. It began with a phone call from a friend to go apply for a job. Which I did. It continued with an interview that went very well and I am currently waiting for the results on. What is the subject I am talking about today? Support. Something that recently I came into with great abundance.

Now I have always been supported by my family and that in itself some consider a fucking miracle. A lot of people don't have that. But since i am used to it I have kind of taken it for granted. Which is wrong. My parents have supported me so much that I owe them about 6 lives now. My brother is pretty much the same story.

What I realized that I had now but didn't before were people who supported without judgement.

No offense to my oldest friends who support me in all my endeavors but in their need to care it comes with the question..."Are you sure this is the right thing to do Gabriel?" I know they love me and I know that they are watching out. But I am 32 years old and have been around a little bit. I am not a total fucking moron. I love you guys too. Just tone it down.

What I have seen in the past few days has blown my fucking mind. When the job opportunity came around, from a woman who is trying very hard to get me different employment, I have friends old and new telling me that it is fantastic that I am going out for this job. There were no added phrases like, "well if you had been really looking you would have found a different job already." There was no apathy to my situation. No snide remarks no questioning of my choice. Nothing but pure love from people I have only known a short time.

This post was intended to be an angry diatribe about how I felt cheated that this didn't exist before. But with a little help from the watcher in the thicket, and one of the most insightful and beautiful women I have ever known, my rantings and ravings have shifted to celebration.

It doesn't matter why it wasn't there before. What matters is that it's here now and it is not going anywhere.

To all of you who have supported me in the past and the present...Mom, Dad, Christopher, Penny, Hayley, Athene, Patty and Philip DoAne, Calvin, Sean Raybell, Josh, Ron, Sam, Bill, Jessann, Steve and Erin, Stephen Borsuk, Kate Holland, and now Sami and the Bruce, Maria, Bob and Carla, Hally, Marcus Walker, Scott Campbell, Brie, Kat Inserra, my zombie zebra Kayti, Anna Baskett, to anyone else who reads this blog fervently without my knowledge, But mostly to Kate L. (While all these people are shining stars in my dearest are the sun.) I love and cherish all of you. You keep me going through life without even trying. Just by being in my life I am a better person.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

post election blues

Let me begin by saying that I voted. Are you all fucking happy? No? Did your candidate of choice lose his/her ass. Did The measure you really want to pass/fail not do so? Tough shit.

Politics has a lot of things to be incensed about and no matter what enrages you, there will always be someone who is made almost gleeful by the notion that upset you. What I cannot abide by is the fact that such piddly fucking bullshit is the object of our political arena.

I live in Washington State. In this state we had several measures to vote for and only a few of them were amending our political process. Yet there were also a few that dealt with the taxation of candy and the fact that the government owns the alcohol trade in Washington.

I actually spent time considering whether to vote to repeal candy taxes or make alcohol a private industry.


You fucking assmongers are wasting my time. If this is the caliber of shit you are going to bring me then fuck off. I don't care what you fuckers think about these issues. Let's get one thing straight. If you go to the store and the candy bar costs 75 cents and then the next day it cost 85 cents. The extra dime isn't going to stop you from buying it. Yet you would think we were signing petitions and voting in elections to fucking free slaves in this state.

So the government owns the liquor industry. Can I still buy booze? Yes? Then I don't care who sells it.

Now mind you I am not telling you how I voted on these issues. I merely am stating that people out there call others bad Americans when they don't vote. That you cannot bitch if you didn't participate. I am sure I have said it myself. But is it any wonder that people grow complacent in the face of measures like these? I am sure whatever state you live in had some like it too.

It defies logic to be just as rabid about petty stuff when we have real problems. Did the mid term elections change any of those problems? No they didn't. They won't change anything. Because fundamentally we don't agree on anything. People are dying in foreign soil. People are dying here at home. The world is fucked. It always has been. If you think some fuckass politician with his American flag pin and his briefcase full of agendas and intentions will ever change anything you are wrong.

You affect change in your life. Take back your fucking power and stop giving it to god, to politicians, to other people. You are the instrument of change in your life. Only you limit yourself to the bullshit future you have made. You can change that.

I am just so sick of petty bickering by people who are supposed to be adults. Grow up you fucking jelly assed dick snoggers. The politicians the corporations the media and everyone else on the planet aren't responsible for us. We need to affect our own change. We need to have our own hope. We need to stimulate our own jobs, our own economy, our own peace. Because we cannot wait for democrats and republicans to stop playing around with heads up their asses like they are gods gift to the political system and actually give a shit about us.

Do it yourself.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Are you aware...

I was at work yesterday and for those of you who don't know, I do 24 hour in home care for autistic adults. As a rule I don't normally bring up work in these posts because I don't shit where I eat but since its directly related I will make this exception.

We had to go to Wal-mart to get a few things and outside the store was a woman. A woman standing next to a table with raffle tickets for purchase. Raffle tickets that went towards...autism awareness. Now if you are completely fucking stupid you might think that this was a cute little story of coincidence, but then you would not fully grasp how an asshole like myself perceives these things.

This woman looked at me and my coworker and said hello to us. I said hello back but I stared intensely at this woman for a good 10 seconds. I wanted so badly for this bitch to ask me if I knew anything about autism and its sufferers while I had two autistic adults in tow. As I looked at her I could tell she probably wanted to, just to help out the cause. If she herself had any knowledge of autism it did not shine through. But as I thought about it I remembered her cause. Awareness.

Who the fuck goes out of their way to promote awareness? "Excuse me sir/madam, but are you aware that there are things in the world that are bad? Specific things that hurt a bunch of people and make life harder for said people everyday? Oh you are? OK. Well buy a fucking raffle ticket and try and win our goodie basket."

Fuck you people. I am not going to waste my time on awareness. I know what you are thinking...I am an awful person who doesn't care about the plight and misery of others. And you are right. I don't care. Now is handing out buttons at rallies or selling t-shirts or buying the chicken soup with the breast cancer logo gonna help ease my liberal guilt. No it isn't. Is sending a check to a research center going to help possibly? It might, but I am fucking poor so that is out of the question.

No, it would seem the only thing that people who aren't able to send money to organizations or do the actual science necessary to figure out causation for these afflictions is to be little fucking cheerleaders.

Now lets be clear. I am not saying that awareness is a total loss. I know really good people afflicted by shit that hardly anyone has ever heard of. Awareness that those conditions exist and are in need of some study and funding for such studies is immensely necessary.

My issue is with the crotch goblins who promote breast cancer awareness and other things that everyone already knows about. Breast cancer is fucking everywhere. Its almost a business in itself. These people should almost want breast cancer to not have a cure. So they can continue to sell t-shirts with cute phrases and bottles of salad dressing. For fucks sake there is an entire month of breast cancer awareness. The fucking stores change their decor to fit the celebration. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

We will just save the other months of the year for every other fucking kind of cancer. What color ribbon is it for every other cancer? I bet you don't fucking know.

We have reached the point when awareness is more important than actual science. We would rather throw a party than actually cure anything. Because the one thing I never hear from the awareness junkies is what progress has been made. Yeah you raised such and such for charity but where is the progress that money achieved. You don't know? Somebody ought to fucking know and they need to crawl out of their fucking hole and tell us. Because if I have to see a woman wearing another pink shirt with 20000 ribbons on it. sporting pink sunglasses, a pink fucking feather boa, a feathery hat and holding a sign up with the same cute catchphrase that her shirt has on it for the rest of my life...I just might lose it one day.

"I'm sorry are you aware about all these diseases?" Yes I am. Are you aware that you are a fucking useless cock blister? I am waiting. No, I don't want to win a pink vespa. So nice that the proceeds you wanted to help cure the disease you're fighting went towards the purchase of a pink vespa that could be won in a contest.

Fuck you!

With deep and abiding affection,

Friday, October 22, 2010

well its that time of year again...

I am a pirate at heart. I love adventure. I love the water and i love rum and a good piece of steel. I even like a little violence now and again, but we have reached a time that makes me cringe.


Now I love the holiday it is awesome to get free candy and to see what every girl is going to dress up as the slutty version of. But I fucking hate horror films. I don"t like them at all. I just don't understand this fucking desire by a large amount of the general public to feel an emotion that is supposed to be one of warning and alarm. Why the fuck is this logical to anyone.

And yet every Halloween I am bombarded by fright fests and chilltacular extravaganzas. And no place is safe. I cant watch comedy central without a fucking commercial where someone is being mutilated. What the fuck is wrong with you people.

Now I know some of you gore hounds out there are going to say that they aren't that scary and I am just being a chickenshit. FUCK YOU! Your opinion is fucking subjective and you deserve to have a hot clam chowder enema for suggesting that your opinion is gospel.

Now listen to me, clit monkeys. If you like horror that is your fucking business. I appreciate some of the genre. But I think that horror needs to be treated like porn. You shouldn't bring it out at the party. Unless everyone agrees that its something to see. And everyone agrees not to pleasure themselves to it. OK maybe not so much that last bit for horror.

But I digress. I don't think that my taste in anything should be questioned. Or anyone else's taste. I am not a coward because I don't like to be scared. Any more so than you are a fucking chauvinistic tampon sniffer if you don't like romantic comedy. Your judgement is fucked. So is everyone else's.

I think that slasher flicks are the worst movies on the planet. Not just because of the fucking subject, no. Not a single one of them has decent dialogue or even believable characters. I mean seriously how many times was Jamie Lee Curtis gonna set the sharp object down right next to the "surely dead" Micheal Myers? It must've been like 5 times. But I will not question those people who want to watch that shit. They like it. That is fine. Just don't expect me to show up if that is the activity for the night. You take a butcher knife and shove it right up your ass! Or just copy what you saw in one of those movies you jackholes!

With deep and abiding affection,

P.S. Thanks again to the Bruce for his wonderful contribution. I am never washing my hands again. Now come over here and shake my hand bitches!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

In defense of the littlest guy

So here I am talking to a coworker.  We are determining what we are going to be doing for the next week with all the students and their science curriculum.  And it happens.  That tickle starts at the back of my sinuses and eventually it works its way up to a full blown sneeze.  As I was properly trained I turn my head and cover my face with the inside of my arm so as not to spray anyone or anything.  And then there is the look, the look on my coworker’s face when she recognizes the action.  She stops talking and takes four steps back.  The germs have been released!
Ok, seriously?  FOUR STEPS BACK?  What the fuck?  And then I realize… she is one of them. She’s one of those “oh my god I cannot even think about being near anything that might contain a modicum of bacteria on it because it might spontaneously multiply and turn into a giant ME-eating monster and devour my soul in one bite” type of people.  A fucking germaphobe.
I’m sorry, but this seems to me to one of the most fucktastically ridiculous things in the world to me.  Germs.  You are afraid of germs?  Holy shit, what sort of scrub-your-ass-down-with-bleach parent did you have?  There are some phobias that make sense.  Acrophobia – fear of heights.  Ok, I understand that one.  It makes sense that people don’t like being in places where they may potentially fall and splatter their innards all over the pavement like a giant human Rorschach test.  Hell, even the fear of the dark makes sense.  It’s not the dark but whatever ass-raping, limb tearing thing that might be hiding within it.  Yeah, I can understand that fear too.  I am rather attached to my ass not being pillaged or having my arms used as a bludgeoning weapon against me.
But who in the fuck needs to be afraid of some little microscopic creature that truly has no fucking clue if you exist.  To them you are simply the big ass thing they happen to live upon.  You are no more under attack from them as the Earth is from us. I see these people everywhere.  They are constantly wiping and washing everything.  A person opens the door, they have to wipe it down. Someone coughs they move as far away as possible. Hell, if somebody even just looks a little under the weather they practically ostracize the person for fear that there might be any physical contact where they might spread whatever life-devouring disease they may have.  Being obsessive compulsive is one thing, but this takes it to a level that is seriously fucking ridiculous.
Did you know that in the human mouth alone there are more bacteria than there are humans on the entire planet?  Over 6 billion of those little thingies alone are there in your pie hole.  You know… that thing that you kiss your loved ones with.  They have already found over 600 different kinds in there.  So, if you are a person who has to wipe a door handle at the end of the day, or disinfect everything within your room at least every hour… how are you able to handle the disgustingness of your own mouth?  Oh, and then that “kiss” thing?  You can do that (and other more interesting things) with loved ones mouth, but you feel the need to pull out the antibacterial hand soap at the first sign of a sniffle? Holy crap! Really?
And what about the rest of your body? Scientists, who apparently have way too much time on their hands, have determined that we have over 100,000,000,000,000 (100 trillion or ten to the 14th power) bacteria residing on and within our bodies. Most of them are benign and some of them are even helpful.  We have tons of flora inside our guts that aid in digestion.  I just don’t get it.
These things are all just part of life. They just happen to be a hell of a lot smaller than rest of us.  How is that that so many people have decided that they need to shit their panties anytime they may come in contact with them?  I mean, get a fucking clue!  YOU ARE A GOD-DAMNED WALKING MASS OF BACTERIA! They outnumber all the cells of your pestilent body 10:1.  And that’s just on YOU, not counting the rest of the world out there.  If there are 100 trillion bacteria on/in each person, then take that number and multiply it by the entire human population. And then, add to it all the bacteria on every other living creature, and then add those in the environments.  How could anyone be so drastically stupid that they think they could avoid bacteria?
So, before you go out and attempt to commit mass murder by dousing your entire body with antibacterial hand wash, think about what you are doing.  All you are managing is to kill of the weaker bacteria, leaving your body as a massive breeding ground for all of the survivors to take over and repopulate.  Imagine that!  All those little monsters breeding all over your fucking skin while you frantically scrub the tables, toilet, doorknobs, windows, or pretty much anything that a walking germ factory like yourself has already touched.  Really, if it is that much of an issue that you have to adopt completely OCD tendencies just to feel as if you are not going to have the germs running rampant everywhere, do us a favor… The next time you douse yourself with the hand gel just dump the entire bottle on your head.  Make sure it covers your entirely fucking vapid head, and then set fire to it. 
Really.   Just think of all the bacteria you’ll be getting rid of. And then when you’re gone I’ll sneeze on your corpse to give the germs a fighting chance.
With deep and abiding affection,
The Bruce

Monday, October 18, 2010

hello all

I have been pretty pressed for time because I am moving this week but it isn't fair to keep you all waiting for a new post. The only problem is that I haven't had time to think about anything to to talk about. My eyes have not really been open to the outside world.

This week has been all about action rather than talking. Something I haven't been very good at in my life. But I am beginning to grow an understanding about what it means to be an action person...its expensive.

I hate money and I hate spending money and I hate having to have a job to get money. I hate any system that forces me to do something. The phrase I hate most in life is "have to" The minute someone says I have to do something I shut down. Fuck that! The one saving grace I should get from being an adult is that I should be able to do whatever I fucking want without some ass dumpling getting in my way.

Even worse is when i say it to myself. When I make a list of things I have to do is when you see me at my most frustrated. Moving to a new place has brought this out of me even more. I could've been completely packed days ago but I did other things to avoid the "have to" issue.

Anyhow, It isn't really feasible to have a rant about the fact that I want to do what I want when I want. That is every one's goal. I guess it just means I am frazzled and feeling out of my element. But I have a saving grace. This Wednesday is my birthday and I have asked my friend the Bruce to blog for me and get out his anger at a topic. Perhaps his particular brand of poison will help refresh my batteries and bring me new things to rage about. Until then I "have to" get to work.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, October 14, 2010

A gift.

Greetings all.

I am in a fantastic mood today and yet I have to write yet another venomous blog post. somehow though it just isn't in me today. I have thought long and hard about my tone and content in this blog and I am glad I have this place. It adds to the security that I can say what I want without too many people giving me shit for it.

But the pirates life isn't all just slitting throats. There is a time when the battle is won that you can drink and dance and be merry. Today is one of those days.

I have made some victories and can feel freedom in my grasp. I have slain some enemies and received riches in turn.

It is soon time to drink copiously and dance til I fall down. To sing songs and to laugh deeply like I haven't laughed in a long time. Soon It will be time to set sail again and fight more battles but is calm waters and rejoicing.

Today is what all the fighting was for. For love and freedom. Is there anything better?

With deep and abiding affection,

Monday, October 11, 2010

suck it.

You are a self centered prick! You are selfish! You don't do shit around the house! You aren't a good friend. Your family will disapprove of you and your choices. You owe me!

These are all words that have been spoken in my direction. All of them add up to one message:

Gabriel, you are worthless.

I spent the better part of yesterday feeling sorry for my fucking worthless life. I asked others to help me out and they stuck their fingers in the dam of my self confidence. But in the end, my fear and doubt broke through. Leaving me a drowning man in my neuroses.

Then this morning it hit me. When I was all alone. I thought of something the wise man in my head always says.


I do absolutely everything that I can in my power to do exactly what I was meant to do. Make my life happy and worth living. I don't always do the best job, but fuck it! Neither does anyone else. I am sick of these cunt juicers and cum spitters telling me that I am worthless because I don't do what they want or what they think is right. It is the very definition of hypocrite to scream at me for thinking of myself and not thinking of you first.

I will be forever of the mindset that the most important person in MY fucking life is me. I love others. I do what I can for them and I try to be good. But if I don't take care of myself first then how will I be able to take care of anyone else. So for your approval, and suggestions as to further inclusions, I give you a small example of part of my honor code. A little known section of principles I call:

 the selfish bastard rules.

Rule 1: When in doubt...fuck 'em. You are not responsible for other peoples lives and if they give you any reason to doubt yours...fuck 'em they ain't worth the trouble.

Rule 2: Never do a favor for anyone without getting something in return. Why fucking wait for repayment or the possibility that the other person will ever show gratitude? Get it up front so you get something out of it and no one is fucking owed anything.

Rule 3: If you want something...take it. This one has some exceptions I shouldn't have to fucking spell it out for you jokers. But if what you want is out there and you can get it without harming anyone. Go get the fucking thing. If someone else wanted it. Too bad. They should've been faster.

Rule 4: Don't feel bad for taking personal time. The entire world tells people who are parents and full time workers to make sure that you take time out for yourself. Then they castigate them for actually doing it. Should you find yourself in this situation...remember rule one.

These are just the first few of these. If anyone out there is of the same mindset I would be happy to take down your suggestions for more rules. I eventually want to write them down and hand them to people as a guide for those who are stretched too thin in the service of others.

"You are a self centered prick Gabriel!" To me this statement and others like it will forever mean that I do what I must to make myself happy. And if you can't understand that then fuck you. I will not apologize to a self righteous waste of fucking time like you. I hope you get ass raped by a hot muffler.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, October 7, 2010

got a few short topics tonight.

To all of you who read last nights blog and then contacted me personally I would like to thank you for your worry and just say this...Are you fucking insane? I tell you people to wish me well and you actually contact me to do it? I just finished saying that i was willing to cause random acts of violence so the first thing you fucking geniuses do is contact me. You fuckers probably run towards the sound of gunfire too. Fucking hell!

Now for my real topics. I have recently been yelled at for not answering my phone or text messages.
Again I ask, what the fuck is wrong with these people? The phone is a tool nothing more and I will use mine how I see fit. Just because I go out and buy a hammer doesn't mean I have to use the fucking thing all the damn time.

And yet for some, their phone is their life they must always be connected. You know it wasn't that long ago that the only phone you had was in your house, and it most of the time was attached to an answering machine. If you weren't home you missed the call and maybe they left a message. Now people act like I have raped their mother if I don't answer my phone. Just because the fucking thing is with me doesn't mean I wanna talk you prick maggots. Fuck off, and leave a message.

And lastly I am sick to death of the ridiculous trend of making words cuter. This is my real problem the past few days. I have heard a number of words made cuter by shortening them and it drives me fucking nuts.

Ms. Racheal Ray can choke on a horse cock if I have to hear her say sammies instead of sandwiches anymore. Its not cute its irritating. Along with the other food network bitch, who gives a fuck what her name is, who had an entire show where she made chicken drumsticks. But could we leave it at that? No. She must have said the phrase "yummy chicken drummies" at least 50 times. By the end I was going to stab her in the eye with a sharpened bone.

This is a continued plea to re-lengthen our vocabularies. You sound like jackasses when you say these things. its not cute from you. If a 4 year old said it I would accept it. But you are a fucking adult. You sound like a dipshit. Talk to me like an adult. Not like I am somehow too stupid to understand big people words you condescending smegma lickers.

Yeah I know I sound like an old man telling you to get off his lawn but I don't give a porcupines left ball. You can't expect me to be clever all the time.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


Today was marvelous. I had the best time i have had in awhile. but there is an issue eating at me and I cannot tell what it is. it has crawled into my brain and is worming around just in the periphery. Despite such a wonderful day I am full of an anger that could bring down a house. I want to find random people and beat them senseless. I want to find a heavy metal object and wreak havoc. I want to cause pain on an epic scale and I don't even know why.

Actually I do know why. but I cannot say. my rage has become so unfocused that I have no blog topic. I cannot put it into words. There is no succinct bit of wisdom there is no witty remark. Just the white hot blinding anger that has made me lose my train of thought and feel only hatred. Even to those I love dearly.

I cannot make heads or tails of this but knew it must be documented. I will sit and attempt to quiet my soul. I ask those of you reading to wish me the best. For surely I will need it.

I will be fine

With deep and abiding affection,

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I've had enough!

I'm sick of the hate. I am tired of the stigma. I'm pissed at the anti gay way of thinking. There isn't one argument from these dick smocks that holds any fucking water. Let's dispose of them now.

Some argue it is against nature. That the physical act of love between two of the same gender isn't natural. Neither is sweet n low you fat fucks! But the argument is flawed Whether its brain chemistry that causes homosexuality or choice it isn't your fucking choice. So shut your fucking cake hole!

Some argue that it's all recruitment that ruins the family and homosexuals are predators looking to convert you and your children to the lifestyle. If that is true then where are the news stories about recruitment posters and roving gangs of marauding fags? Not once have I gotten a phone call or a piece of mail saying "Would you please help out the gay and lesbian alliance with a donation, and may we please fuck you in the ass."

And finally the religious argument. Fuck you! The one place the bible specifically mentions homosexual activity is in the old testament in Leviticus.

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. - Leviticus 20:13

This set of laws was put into place for the Jews a long fucking time ago. We in America don't subscribe to religious law anymore. We grew up. We realized we can have a system that we create and is open to interpretation. Rather than the iron clad, immovable laws from a god we've never seen.

It may not be perfect, but at least the people who wrote our laws can fucking change them when they don't work out.

Can we please stop this? People are dying. They are being tortured and killed or committing suicide all the time. All because they aren't allowed the freedom to be who they are without fear of social and sometimes actual suicide. What else can they do? It can't go back into hiding.

The anti gay fuckface agenda argues that it is too much in their face. I don't think they understand that the fucking heterosexual lifestyle is exactly the same.

Sex is in everyones face and we better get used to it. Sex is great. People want it. And in order to get it they have to be allowed to ask for it without fear of physical and emotional harm. That means awkward moments and uncomfortable silences. It also means love and awesome fucking orgasms for more people. I will take both good and bad if it means we stop the trend of death and fear.

Get over it, you fucking hateful shit burgers! If you don't like it shove it up your ass. Literally. It just might open your eyes. Fag!

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Don't ask, Fuck you.

I am not in the military and never have even desired to choose that path. Both my father and brother have served in the navy. My brother still currently does. Despite those facts I know almost nothing about what it takes to serve our country. I know that it is a job that is currently beyond me, and always has been.

However, there are those who have the ability and the drive to take on such a task. And some of them like to fuck members of the same sex. Now it seems to me that we should let these people in and serve. Without judging them their predilections. Because a person who wants to serve their country is beyond such judgements. They carry in them a desire that demands them to risk their life for others like me who cannot. That sort of selfless nature is beyond judgement. You cannot hate a person who will protect the rights of someone they don't know, without question.

Now the Don't ask, Don't tell policy was monumental when it came about. Of course, it is a flawed fucking argument, but the steps to change can't be perfect right away. Compromise is sloppy and takes time. But now we have reached the point where real change can occur and the government in its wisdom went into their voting hall and as they were just about to make change apparently slipped and accidentally put their head up their fucking asses. Again.

This is America you fucking cockholes! The document that declared our freedom stated that we are all fucking equal, and these people cant seem to interpret that statement. People have a fundamental right to pursue the life they want whether that means owning guns or fucking a member of the same sex. Those rights are absolute.

But we are stuck because the people in power put a  premium on political posturing and maneuvering. They continue to fuck us with their mind games and bullshit  tactics. I am sorry but the word freedom has only one definition.and while I may not fundamentally agree with the choices some make I am not allowed to make those decisions for them. The government is supposed to do everything it can to protect us. All it is doing now is keeping a catchphrase in place that allows for the thinning of the ranks and subsequently the weakening of our protection.

I don't fucking care what mind numbing fucking excuse you have against gays! That is an argument for another time. All I am saying right now is that our government is hurting us. And they need to fucking fix it. They need to fucking fix the policies that make us weaker and stop parading around like fucking peacocks so they can get elected next term.

With deep and abiding affection,

Monday, September 27, 2010

For your consideration.

I am going to tell you two stories from this weekend that will seem not to have anything to do with each other but watch as I make them one topic.

On Friday there was a news report that it was national punctuation day. Already I could feel myself tightening up but stick with me. They suggested that the proper way to celebrate national useless fucking holiday for a piece of shit reason was to go into stores and places of business and correct the owner on punctuation on their signs. I pictured a lot of people getting punched that day. A lot of self serving pricks with a smug sense of superiority because they knew the proper use of a comma. Fuck you people. I may not be the best at punctuation(in fact i am probably one of the worst.) but what gives you the right to pick a day and choose to be a smug asshole to others for some arbitrary reason?

On Saturday I was at work going for a ride with my clients in the company van. We were low on gas and had to stop to fill the tank. Now the gas station was at a standstill so i chose a place to be and waited for the guy in front of me to pump his gas and get the fuck out of my way. We arrived at the gas station at 10:30 am. We left at 10:58 am. I obviously chose wrong as I watched a 900 year old fuckbucket put the nozzle in his gas tank, go inside the store., hang out in there for 10 minutes, come back and write a note on a pad of paper, pull nozzle out of car, look at pump and press the button, put nozzle back in car, pump gas, put nozzle away, get in car, write another note on his pad of paper, and pull away. When I got to the pump he had pumped $5 of gas. $5 fucking dollars! 20 minutes of my life were now gone because a 900 year old man has a system.

What is it that makes people not consider others? The answer is 2 things. Smug sense of superiority and obliviousness. It really isnt stupidity. I can fucking forgive stupidity. When you do everything you actively can to piss off other people or don't give enough of a shit to look at your surroundings, and realize their are other people in this world. That is what makes me crazy.

I really cannot decide which I hate more. Because on the one hand, if you think you are better than everyone you are at least aware that others exist. You just choose to be a bitchmop rather than be a decent human being. Which is a totally fuckwad thing to do.

But on the other hand, if you are oblivious to others around you, you are treating others like shit and don't even care to look their way. You just sit there in your blissful fuckstick ignorance while everyone is forced to go around you.  You fucking useless bag of abortions!

I am not asking people to change. Just fucking think before you open your fucking face to chide someone for a no good reason. And to the oblivious: just fucking think period.

With deep and abiding affection,

Friday, September 24, 2010

Personal responsibilty. Try it sometime.

I used to be skinny. So skinny that people thought I was borderline unhealthy. But I walked everywhere. I ate anything I wanted and I walked about 6 miles a day. More exercise from dance classes and I was considerably healthy. Now, I own a car and I still eat what I want and I don't take dance classes and I am pudgy. You know whose fault that is? Mine. See that is an example of accepting responsibility for your own situation. You are all in situations like this and the only person who is ever responsible for the power to initiate change is YOU!

Let's abolish the fucking idea that others are to blame for your lot in life shall we? Others may be responsible for getting you there. But only you, keep yourself in that position. Only you accept your limitations and let them beat you down. And only you can start bucking that trend.

This is an era of lawsuits and placing blame everywhere you look. Politicians play the blame game. Corporations scapegoat each other or their employees. I would hope we would strive to be better than that. Unfortunately we don't.

We live in a fucking country where we need warnings on packages that are absolutely fucking ludicrous. I am aware I shouldn't use my hair dryer in the shower or while I am sleeping. Did I really need to be told that on the box? Apparently, because some dipshit tried it and set themself on fire somewhere and held the company responsible.

News flash: YOU SET YOURSELF ON FIRE DILDO SLIME! That is no ones fault but yours.

Here are some more things you should be aware of: fire is hot, water is wet, pointy things can cut you, and you are fucking stupid.

Now personal responsibility is always a factor. Even when the scenario isn't your fault. I may be accused of blaming the victim but at this point I don't care. Many people in this world have deep serious emotional and physical issues and are in need of help. Those people are blameless. UNLESS they refuse to get help. Then fuck 'em they are open to my derision. And they could honestly do me a favor and shut their fucking mouths.

Now some others have problems of a perceived nature (that don't exist) and they still do nothing about it. That is a double fuck you. I have no patience for you. If you are going to create a problem that isn't there and then do nothing to change it. That just spits in the face of everything that is decent. You aren't troubled, you're a fucking drama queen and you could use a kick in the head.

Look, life comes with disappointment and accidents and cruel motherfuckers everywhere you go. Somewhere along the way you are gonna get fucked in a place you don't want to be. Now that it's done. What are you gonna do about it? Are you gonna be a big sensitive pussy and cry in the corner? Are you gonna be an arrogant pisshead and sue somebody who had nothing to do with your unfortunate circumstance?

Or are you gonna be a noble human fucking being that stands up, dusts themself off, and finds a knowledgeable friend or therapist to talk to. If you are gonna pick one of the first 2 options then prepare for me to show up where you are, and break your back. If you're gonna act like a spineless turd I might as well fulfill your wish.

Here I am! Your pissed off genie. Ready to make your one wish of having to rely on everyone else for the rest of your life come true. If you are gonna hold us accountable for your fucked up existence, we might as well have that much power over you anyway.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

fuck family!

I love my family. My immediate family. I love my mom and dad. I love my brother and his family. I have a lot of love to give. Now having said that there is some extended family that I have, that I wish I could make disappear. I can probably count on one hand the number of people I have in my extended family who I would want to talk to. The rest can go fuck themselves. For any of them reading this, I will tell you why.

You don't know me. Blood is thicker than water in a scientific sense, but it means very little to me metaphorically. I don't give a fuck about you. Don't think that just because your blood you can ask anything of me.

I got a message the other day from an uncle of mine wanting to be friends on facebook saying that my grandmother wasn't doing well and they needed to get a message to my dad. I emailed the important message to those who might want it but said nothing else. Now, my father is estranged from most of his family including his parents and doesn't care to speak to a lot of them. The reasons behind this are too many to go into and I don't want to invade my fathers privacy anymore than I have to. (sorry dad if I already have, but this is about me, not you so I'm about to turn it around.)

My grandparents tried to have a relationship with me when I was in high school. They showed up out of the blue and I went to have dinner with them. I have never, at that time, heard anyone in my presence use the word nigger so many times. Not even black people. I chalked it up to being from a different era and thought I shouldn't make judgements. I might still be able to have a relationship with these people. I spoke to them on the phone a total of 3 times. Everytime we spoke my grandfather pleaded with me to bridge a gap between him and his son, my father. I was 17 years old. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Nevertheless I stupidly tried. Nothing came of it because you can't mend that sort of damage through sheer will alone.

Then it began to dawn on me that this old motherfucker was supposed to be getting to know me. ME! Not trying to reach someone else. He had no fucking interest in being my grandfather, he wanted to use me as a pawn. And consistently I begin to see throughout my life how my father became so distant from them. Because none of them wanted to have a relationship. They just wanted to know that they didn't screw up.

Well guess what fuckers. You screwed up. And you will continue to screw up. And I will not be used in any of your fucking games to validate yourselves. Fuck off. The next one of you assmonkeys that tries to use me as a messenger service you can go shove a loaded gun up your ass and pull the trigger.

I know I usually make these posts more generalized so that everyone can get on board. And some of this applies to you people as well. Family isn't that fucking sacred. Your family is made up of people and just like everyone else they have to earn respect and kindness and love by being a decent fucking human being. They don't just get a pass by virtue of similar DNA. I would work harder to make this a better argument for all of you but I needed this one to myself. Just to say, I have had enough.

I can't take it anymore. If you think I'm your friend just because you are family...think again. You don't know me. If you want to know me, make the effort. But don't assume you are gonna get a pass. I still may not give a shit about you. But at least in this regard I will tell you respectfully that I don't fucking care about you or your life, or what your problems are or who is fucking dying.

I am not a means to an end. I am a fucking human being who is worth treating with some fucking respect.

Just fuck off and leave me alone.

With deep and abiding affection

Monday, September 20, 2010

Family values? Really?

The term family values has to be a joke. It has to be. There is no other explanation for why such a term gets used the way it does. Why the American politician thinks that this is a phrase to bandy about like its a fucking gospel, I will never know. Other than the fact that the American public is fucking stupid and has no capacity for abstract thought and is easily scared by old guys who talk in stern tones about the country going to hell.

Let me make my point right off the bat on this. Family values and "the American family" do not exist. It's stupid bullshit used to terrorize a nation. The idea that there is a specific formula that makes a family work is ludicrous on level that borders on mentally unstable. Your average American is not exactly the same as the person next to them or anyone else in the entire fucking world for that matter. So what makes you think that any "group" of people is going to be the same as another. We don't look the same. We don't believe the same things. We don't have the same experiences. So to believe that "the American family is an actual concept is fucking flawed to begin with.

You cannot make generalizations of that magnitude and expect everyone to fall under the umbrella of family values. Yet still we are bombarded by people who want to act as if  "the American family" actually exists. Like its a real family. And that family is under attack. That family's very existence is threatened by any number of things. The world is trying to take down the Cleaver family, according to these nut jobs. I have news for you dick wrinkles. You watch too much fucking television, and you need to join us in the present tense and stop living in your 50's television set.

Now I have looked at some of the things that people say destroy family values and it seems to me that all of them have to do with sex that isn't within a married context. Marriage between a man and a woman, that is. So fucking is what will destroy us.

As a nation, we will be destroyed by a penis going spelunking?

It is amazing that this most important thing that can "save" our fucking nation is so goddamned fragile. Its a fucking joke. You can tell me all you want to that two gays fucking or watching fucking on my computer screen is going to destroy a family but it just won't happen. the family concept is just that, a concept. it can be molded into a thousand different definitions, and is stronger than you shit lickers give it credit for. No, the family will still be around. Just not like you fuck biscuits wanna see it. THAT is what is really under attack.

I will just come out and say it. I am attacking your fundamentalist jackass view of what the family is. Fuck your preconceived notions. And most of all fuck you for thinking that you can pigeonhole the freedoms of the people into your little tiny fucking one-dimensional definition.

We as a nation are open to all sorts of things. To think that we can just line up into categories in order to preserve your bullshit opinion on on how life SHOULD be just makes me want to try even harder to destroy you. I want YOUR marriage to fail I want your kids to be gay and I want your whole fucking tradition to go up in flames. Because freedom is too important to put in the hands of closed minded politicians who don't know how to even communicate other than trying to scare us into subservience. Politics and fear have absolutely nothing to do with freedom.

This country will keep moving on without your fear mongering and your inability to adapt to the smallest change. Fuck you. Go die.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Say it! Say the fucking words!

As you well know I have an immensely dirty mouth. Of course you know that. What the fuck is wrong with me? So I admit my use of words is not always acceptable to some and I know my use of punctuation is lacking. As I told Sami, just think of me as a pissed off e e cummings.

But one thing is certain. I do my absolute best to never misuse words. I try my hardest to never use a word incorrectly and I certainly don't make up words that don't exist. Unless you count fusing two swear words together.

First up is the word anniversary. It means a one year cycle has passed to mark an occasion. When people say that it is there week, or month, or day anniversary of being with someone I am driven absolutely crazy. Words have meanings fuckhead you cant just stick them wherever you want. just say you've been together for weeks or months or whatever its not that hard.

Same thing with the word irregardless. Now I understand the creation of a word to describe something that hasn't been described yet.I even understand the creation of words for something that already has another describing word. Synonyms are help to color our verbiage. But to use a word that is only 2 letters off from its original incarnation, and means the exact same thing is fucking ludicrous. Stop it.

There are several of these I could go into, but I wanna hit the meat of my hatred, and my hatred centers on one thing in this arena...

I am speaking of the use of text speak in the spoken word.

I understand why text speak came about. You have a limited number of characters in a given text to get your message to a friend, and typing whole words really fucking sucks. No one on earth really enjoys typing that much.

But speech doesn't take that long for fuck's sake. Just say the goddamned word. The next person who says jk to me or even worse the plural jks (pronounced jakes) is gonna get stabbed. I swear to fucking Christ, I will stab you right in the tongue so that lazy fucking mouth of yours suffers for its destruction of the language.

I am tired of this crap. I have to decipher enough fucking acronyms in my life, please don't add more. It isn't even as good as slang terms. Slang at least has some form of cleverness to it. But to make everything an acronym is just fucking irritating. You can say brb, just as fast as be right back. The words are better, I promise.

The best however,(and by best i mean worst) is lol or lmao. I have had this uttered in my presence countless times.

I just had to stop for a minute to collect myself because this drives me so fucking nuts I almost blacked out.

Lol means laughing out loud. Laughing is a sound. You type lol because the other person can't...hear you. If you are in my presence...THEN JUST FUCKING LAUGH YOU CUNT NUMBING FUCK WEASEL! What don't you people understand about this? Its just fucking lazy.

Look I understand that language changes all the time, but we should be trying to change it to make it more beautiful and intelligent, not less time consuming. That is really my only problem. I have a tremendous respect for language and words themselves. Please don't shit on them in my presence by spewing out your fucking half assed attempt to communicate with the world. 

All it says to me is that you don't wanna take the time to talk to me. And if that is the way you feel then just don't fucking talk to me. It will save you from being stabbed.

With deep and abiding affection,

P.S. It should also be noted that the spell check on my computer doesn't even recognize the text speak I typed. Suck it bitches. Even technology wants you to speak correctly.

P.P.S. Say what you want, but I believe swear words make our language more colorful and beautiful too.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


First let me say that it isn't that I don't care about the environment. I do. I use the longer lasting light bulbs. I recycle cans. I conserve energy in the home. I try and not waste because it costs me fucking money. So I see that there is a reason for being green as they say. However that is the extent of my green. In both senses of the term.

Every time I hear about how I need to do more to save the earth I say, fuck you. The next person I hear who suggests driving a hybrid or more energy efficient car I am gonna kick them square in the fucking crotch. They always spout that idea like its the easiest fucking thing in the world to buy a car. OK I will just run out with the extra 30 grand in my pocket and buy a new fucking car. Fuck you people. Oh wait...30 isn't enough for some of them. No some of us have to be happy with the car we have. For some that is the bus.

Now maybe you can travel on the bus comfortably, but I cannot. Mostly because I have a face that makes the world wanna talk to me. When I rode the bus I consistently heard phrases spoken to me like..."you look trustworthy." followed by the craziest shit I have ever heard. One guy gave me his plan and his "research" on how to spin the earth the other way by placing jet engines on the equator. I swear to fucking Christ I am not making this up. No more buses for me.

The very height of green crazy is Eco terrorism. This is usually to describe the obsessive actions of a person who cares about the environment so much that they are willing to take drastic measures. Often, measures that cause harm to people and the planet. That is right they still harm the planet.

All over the country these vagina barnacles have started setting fire to housing projects.

I will repeat that.


Do these cock jockeys have any sense of fucking irony? "You know what? I don't like that they are tearing down the natural landscape to build luxury homes. So I think I will further global warming's effects on the planet by setting a huge fire." Not to mention they are setting fire to a wood structure. WOOD! You know, that stuff that grows on trees? Yeah that stuff that you are concerned about them cutting down to build more homes. Well guess what asswipe. They are just going to cut more down in order to build the homes anyway. And if they don't, you have still wasted an absolute fuck ton of natural resources. YOU HAVEN'T DONE SHIT TO SAVE THE PLANET YOU FUCKING ARSONIST PIECE OF SHIT CUNT LOOGIE!

The real problem is that to have any true effect on saving the planet we have to turn to those with the resources and the power to do real work. If you want people to drive cleaner cars either make the cars less expensive or start having the fucking ethanol pumps at my gas station. If you want cleaner fuel sources then put time and money into the effort of finding them. Fuck I mean get NASA on that shit. They aren't doing shuttle missions for a while. And people love when you say that shit is made by NASA. Just look at all the fuckers who bought those memory foam mattresses. But you can't just research the fuels and then say they are possible. You have to fucking make them useful and available to the public.

I see commercial after commercial for clean energy that we could be using. Well, where the fuck is it asswipe? Until we can get it in our own community, it isn't doing shit.

You want us to be green, dickhead? This is one of those problems that has to start from the top and make its way down. Because, guess what. We are already doing as much as we can down here.

With deep and abiding affection,

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A 9/11 memory.

A dear friend of mine asked me for a guest spot in today's blog post sort of last minute and after reading what they had to say I couldn't say no. I was intending a post on a related subject forgetting that today was the anniversary of 9/11. That post will come Monday. People are constantly telling stories about where they were on this infamous date. Not being one to go for this sort of memory play, normally I would've missed this anniversary altogether. However,besides being a self-centered jackass I am also an American and I believe that we should never forget the fallen. So at the risk of offending my usual readers with such a clean post (she is after all a lot more sophisticated than I am) I present My good friend Jessie Nelson:

Nine years ago I worked at an elementary school. I ran the before and after school onsite 'recreational learning' program. I had my own portable for my classroom, all of my own materials and more than enough children as my charges starting at 6:00am.

It was my first year 'teaching' the program and the middle of my second or third week. My lesson plan for the day, to go along with the date, was '9-1-1: Emergency Preparedness and How to React.' I had coloring kits from the fire department, an activity for drawing a house and creating an escape route, making a first aid kit and an emergency preparedness kit, stuff like that.

On my way to work I heard about the trade center. I thought it was a hoax; like 'War of the Worlds' when Orson Welles came on the radio for the martian 'news bulletin.' By the time I got to work I was realized the DJ's weren't just overplaying schtick. I felt like I was in a cloud.

I don't remember every kid coming in, it's been 9 years, but I remember a few; the first kid to be dropped off, his mom pulling me aside and explaining she didn't know how to explain what had happened and she asked me to because she had to get to work and find out what was happening with the people working in New York. Another mom who didn't even know it had happened, I was the one to tell her in the corner of the room where she looked dazed, like she was experiencing my cloud feeling. She took her daughter home for the day. I remember a dad, dropping off his daughter, whispering in the corner with me as he began to cry, another woman who cried, who clung to me and hid her face from her son. And several who's only spoken words to me were 'Do you think they'll close the school today?' Their faces spoke volumes of fear, concern, confusion and guilt. The guilt of not feeling worse; something I, too, was feeling.

Needless to say my lesson plan was out the window. Both before and after school we had a lot of 'Circle Time.' We talked about heavy things that people don't expect kids to talk about; war, racism, death and dying, heroism, anger, fear. There were so many questions I couldn't answer, not just because I didn't know but because, frankly, these weren't my children. I helped mediate conversation, helped them understand what they were feeling and how it was important to talk to their parents about their feelings. I encouraged them to write letters to their parents with all of their questions and their fears.

By the end of the day the middle eastern kids in my group had already been victim of the most basic, childlike forms of racism; similar to that of someone suffering from a terminal case of 'the cooties.' I talked about how nothing about Neda or Darwish or any of the other kids had changed overnight, that they still want to learn, to play, to have their friends want to play with them. I was proud when I saw the mob mentality of the playground melt away and allow my little portable to be a safe haven for everyone.

The funny thing was that the kids were just little, amplified versions of adults; some cried, some were angry, some didn't understand how what had happened applied to them, some didn't even know what was going on. And some just felt a looming sense of 'something's wrong' but didn't know how to express it or define it. I related to those kids the most.

After work I went to my mom's house. As I remember, she was already a media junkie and had watched every second of CSPAN, CNN, Northwest Cable News, etc. That's how we functioned; we had to know every detail and understand everything that had happened; I remember watching entire days' worth of Oklahoma City and Columbine. But I couldn't watch this. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't even comprehend what had happened, what was happening, how I was being affected. I remember the little scare we all had when they talked about how the FEMA bunker in our town, rumoured to be 7 stories below Nike Hill, could be another target for the 'terrorists.' I remember thinking what an absurd name 'terrorist' was. The shoe-bomber was a 'terrorist.' He didn't destroy the WTC, crash into the pentagon and take a plane down in Pennsylvania.

Soon after, the American flag, the symbol for freedom and unity of the states, became an anti-terrorist emblem. Stickers on all car windows, miniature flags flying from antennae and fences and in gardens. It was equated with statements like 'Fuck Osama' and 'Nuke 'em All.' It's entire 200+ years as a herald of hope, independence, struggle and victory had been boiled down to a red white and blue middle finger. Something more to be confused about.

To this day, nine years later, I feel like I still don't understand. I still can't watch, I still tear up when I see commercials for 'never before seen footage' or other glurgy montages of that day. I don't see how everything that happened could have culminated into what followed, and honestly I still don't see how we've begun to heal. I think that, in a lot of ways, we've stitched up the wound without cleaning it; so the skin can start to heal but below there is inflammation, infection, and maybe some shard of glass or stone that will eventually have to work it's way out, through the healed skin and scar tissue.

Yes, I haven't forgotten. I will never forget, and I don't think anyone else will, because nobody can let themselves; it isn't like VE-day or Pearl Harbor or the Tet offensive, this event has a date as it's name. It has usurped a day in history that will hold fewer weddings and barbecues and add an underlying acknowledgement of omen to a birthday. We won't forget, but can we forgive?

There's an Old-Testament part of me that cannot abide to forgive the people who were the planners, suppliers, executioners. But I find no reason to forgive the innocent people that look, talk and maybe even pray like they did because I've never held them in contempt. I know there was a person who looked, talked and prayed like me that pressed the buttons over Hiroshima and Nagasaki. But I don't feel personally responsible for their orders or their actions. But there are some who can't forgive the innocent.

So my nine eleven thoughts allocate themselves to remember the fallen heroes of NYPD and NYFD, the victims and their families, the kids and parents I spoke with, comforted and who comforted me. My thoughts go out to the people still fighting to understand, to gain closure and to find acceptance and end their mourning. But my prayers go out to those who have not been able to forgive:

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have
against one another.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
--Colossians 3:13

With deep and abiding affection,

Friday, September 10, 2010

Sex and violence: the word decency means nothing

I am sitting here stewing over the idea that violence is OK and sex isn't. Not all violence of course. Just television violence. Violence in video games is bad as everyone who jumps to conclusions over bullshit knows. And real life violence is bad as long as it doesn't affect my constitutional right to open carry a bazooka through town.

However, sex will melt a child's brain within seconds and turn your toddler into a prostitute before your very eyes. The mere image of gay men and women will turn you and your child into a god-hating butt-fucking Nancy boy or rug-munching bull dyke respectively.

This is of course fucking ludicrous. But it is what people would have you believe. Now maybe I am writing this just so I can see tits on network television in the middle of the afternoon. I will not discount the fact that such an occurrence would make me overjoyed. However, I know that this is a pipe dream.

The powers that be have ruled that i can watch any number of people get shot or stabbed or whatever fucking mode of death they want to choose. I can see dead bodies get autopsied and studied (minus their naughty bits). All for hours on end. But a nipple at the super bowl gets discussed as though we watched JFK get shot all over again.

What the fuck is wrong with you people. Everyone on the planet fucks. In multiple positions. Everyone. Except People who take vows of celibacy then they just think about fucking a lot. (or even worse they start fucking your kid after mass.)

Why is sex a taboo thing? Why? FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY? I wanna know and I wanna know now.

Humans are meant to fuck each other. That is what we do, we fuck and fuck and suck have some food and fuck some more. We go to work we raise our kids we create and invent the things that shape our world...And then WE FUCK MORE!

But wait with all of that going on...when do we have time to praise god? God is apparently against sex. Unless it makes another human being who is being born to a married couple.

I am sorry but sex is to big a concept to give to those who have free will. While your at it why don't you give a gun and several bullets to a six year old and tell them to go out in the yard and play. Some might argue that we must exercise restraint. Fuck you! Restraint from having sex with whomever I choose and not harming anyone. Or restraint from kicking you right in the fucking teeth for saying stupid shit to me. Believe me God knew what to expect by inventing sex. If you believe in God, do you really believe he didn't see what would happen.

My point is that consensual adult activities don't hurt anyone. Neither does explosions on television or gun play in video games. It is nonsensical rhetoric and intolerance that hurts people. It is those people who believe so strongly in something without question that cause real violence. From the people who blow up buildings and set fires. All the way down to the people who beat up and kill someone because they are different.

We don't need to regulate the airwaves. We just need mutual respect for one another. But sadly that will never happen. Because there are just too many fucking twat heads out there.

With deep and abiding affection

Thursday, September 9, 2010

If you are going to tell a lie... at least make it believable, dumbass!

I think its admirable of Terry Jones to call off his book burning. Unfortunately he was too stupid to just admit that it was a bad fucking idea. No, he had to go and lie about the New York mosque agreeing to build elsewhere. Something the Imam completely denied. FUCK! He couldn't just say he was catching to much flack for his fucktarded idea to burn books. AND couldn't come up with a passable lie. Truly another fucking useless shit cock from Florida.

How many more of those do we get to suffer through huh? I swear there is a reason Florida is shaped like a giant dick. Now I know why so many hurricanes pass through there. Because giant dicks are prone to getting blown more often.

Maybe its just the fact that I am getting older and paying more to the political landscape but the amount of controversy and corruption seems to have exploded lately. I am so glad that I don't live in a Carolina or in Chicago, for fuck's sake. Though I admit that this level of corruption has existed in the past, what I can't believe is that people could be so horrible at lying about shit.

Now anyone trying to make an illegal dollar off of the American taxpayer should be locked up in my opinion. It's the sex scandals i can let slide. Everyone on earth likes to fuck no matter how much they don't want you to know about it.

I understand people wanting to have whatever illicit affairs with men or women or whatever. These people are sociopathic for running for office anyway. But at least think about what you are doing first, fuckers. Have a good story if you get caught.

I mean Jesus tits! Did Mark Sanford think of the Appalachian lie before hopping on a plane to Argen-fucking-tina. I am pretty sure he didn't. Shit Mark Foley (from florida) left a trail of dirty texts and emails so large that it could have been considered a four lane fucking highway right to him.

That is just two in the last couple of years. Larry Craig, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Souder...hmmm maybe we should stop electing guys named Mark. Anyway my point is that lying is a dying art. So few people are good at it anymore.

Now some cunt waffle in florida who wanted to prove something through the burning of books (always an enlightening event...just ask Hitler and thousands of other religious fear mongers) decides maybe this thing I've got planned is not such a good idea. But instead of just admitting that it was idiotic, I need to come up with a lie. I have it! I will tell them that the mosque in New York is going to build elsewhere. No one can refute that.

Guess again bitch. By the way. I know you aren't reading this but I will say it anyway. Your pathetic attempt to reach a mass audience has just resulted in your shame and humiliation. If I were you I would shave that Yosemite Sam mustache and hide somewhere in a foreign country. Or you could just kill yourself. You fucking useless piece of shit.

Bottom line: If you are going to lie to the American public, remember that we may be idiots but we aren't fucking brainless.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Fuck Guilt!

First of all I would like to say thank you Sami for both filling in and doing such a marvelous job. I appreciate how you were willing to help me in my absence and you did a fantastic performance as usual. So good in fact that one might believe you were trying to replace me on my own blog. I mean what kind of bitchy fucking thing is that to do to a guy? What the fuck I ask you for a favor and you stab me in the back by doing a good job and making me look like a fucking retarded asshole?! Fuck You!

You see what I did there? I just berated someone and tried to make them feel bad because I felt inferior. Except I didn't really. Sami please forgive me for making you the subject of my object lesson. your work was admirable and I am proud to consider you a fellow pirate.

Guilt is what I am aiming to fuck with today. You see 3 days ago I was berated for the content of this blog by someone close to me. And I felt so bad that I had to enter a post that made me sound like a sniveling fuckwad. I contemplated deleting it immediately. But then I used it to be able to say what i am going to say today.

First of all fuck you people. I write what I want, when I want, and how I want and it isn't any of your fucking business to tell me different. I consider myself to be nothing more than a performer attempting to get laughs and create a spectacle. Also to lessen actual rage in my life. You want to lay a guilt trip on me? How about you assess what the fuck makes you think you know any better. You don't know any secret formula for a life well lived. So don't fucking pretend to know how to govern mine.

Second of all, guilt is the most fucking irritating form of manipulation you can imagine. Some douche cock wants to tell you how to live by either putting your ass down or by putting themselves down so you feel bad. The latter is the douchiest of the two. Usually performed by mothers and wives its the simpler form of how to get you to do some activity or act a certain way. It is low and underhanded. You can't slap these people upside the head for doing it, and that is a shame. Because they deserve it. You can't even fight that kind of battle. No matter your tactic you end up looking like the biggest assface on the planet. Yet you know that isn't true. So you do what they want.

Well I am here to tell you that anyone who employs that tactic is actually the biggest assface on the planet and deserves to be told to go fuck themselves with a lit candle! And if it makes you look like a dick? That is not the worst thing in the world to be.

The former type of guilt is just fucking rude. Grow the fuck up! YOU AREN'T BETTER THAN ANYONE!

You are not entitled to tell anyone how to live. So fuck off!

The truth is that I let it get to me, because I am a fallible idiot like everyone else. Well no more of that shit. If you don't get the point I am trying to make, ask me about it. I am perfectly willing to spell it out for you. Otherwise fuck off and figure it out for yourself.

With deep and abiding affection,

P.S. I liked Sami filling in for me. It felt good to give someone the forum to talk about what they want and how they wanted. There will be more of that in the future. Also as soon as I hit thirty-one posts that will be a month straight of blogging. So I will be moving to a thrice weekly format. For those of you who don't know what thrice means...fuck you! I just can't keep the same level of rage every day. Its too hard. Gotta let it build up. And fuck you once more for good measure.