Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Don't ask, Fuck you.

I am not in the military and never have even desired to choose that path. Both my father and brother have served in the navy. My brother still currently does. Despite those facts I know almost nothing about what it takes to serve our country. I know that it is a job that is currently beyond me, and always has been.

However, there are those who have the ability and the drive to take on such a task. And some of them like to fuck members of the same sex. Now it seems to me that we should let these people in and serve. Without judging them their predilections. Because a person who wants to serve their country is beyond such judgements. They carry in them a desire that demands them to risk their life for others like me who cannot. That sort of selfless nature is beyond judgement. You cannot hate a person who will protect the rights of someone they don't know, without question.

Now the Don't ask, Don't tell policy was monumental when it came about. Of course, it is a flawed fucking argument, but the steps to change can't be perfect right away. Compromise is sloppy and takes time. But now we have reached the point where real change can occur and the government in its wisdom went into their voting hall and as they were just about to make change apparently slipped and accidentally put their head up their fucking asses. Again.

This is America you fucking cockholes! The document that declared our freedom stated that we are all fucking equal, and these people cant seem to interpret that statement. People have a fundamental right to pursue the life they want whether that means owning guns or fucking a member of the same sex. Those rights are absolute.

But we are stuck because the people in power put a  premium on political posturing and maneuvering. They continue to fuck us with their mind games and bullshit  tactics. I am sorry but the word freedom has only one definition.and while I may not fundamentally agree with the choices some make I am not allowed to make those decisions for them. The government is supposed to do everything it can to protect us. All it is doing now is keeping a catchphrase in place that allows for the thinning of the ranks and subsequently the weakening of our protection.

I don't fucking care what mind numbing fucking excuse you have against gays! That is an argument for another time. All I am saying right now is that our government is hurting us. And they need to fucking fix it. They need to fucking fix the policies that make us weaker and stop parading around like fucking peacocks so they can get elected next term.

With deep and abiding affection,

Monday, September 27, 2010

For your consideration.

I am going to tell you two stories from this weekend that will seem not to have anything to do with each other but watch as I make them one topic.

On Friday there was a news report that it was national punctuation day. Already I could feel myself tightening up but stick with me. They suggested that the proper way to celebrate national useless fucking holiday for a piece of shit reason was to go into stores and places of business and correct the owner on punctuation on their signs. I pictured a lot of people getting punched that day. A lot of self serving pricks with a smug sense of superiority because they knew the proper use of a comma. Fuck you people. I may not be the best at punctuation(in fact i am probably one of the worst.) but what gives you the right to pick a day and choose to be a smug asshole to others for some arbitrary reason?

On Saturday I was at work going for a ride with my clients in the company van. We were low on gas and had to stop to fill the tank. Now the gas station was at a standstill so i chose a place to be and waited for the guy in front of me to pump his gas and get the fuck out of my way. We arrived at the gas station at 10:30 am. We left at 10:58 am. I obviously chose wrong as I watched a 900 year old fuckbucket put the nozzle in his gas tank, go inside the store., hang out in there for 10 minutes, come back and write a note on a pad of paper, pull nozzle out of car, look at pump and press the button, put nozzle back in car, pump gas, put nozzle away, get in car, write another note on his pad of paper, and pull away. When I got to the pump he had pumped $5 of gas. $5 fucking dollars! 20 minutes of my life were now gone because a 900 year old man has a system.

What is it that makes people not consider others? The answer is 2 things. Smug sense of superiority and obliviousness. It really isnt stupidity. I can fucking forgive stupidity. When you do everything you actively can to piss off other people or don't give enough of a shit to look at your surroundings, and realize their are other people in this world. That is what makes me crazy.

I really cannot decide which I hate more. Because on the one hand, if you think you are better than everyone you are at least aware that others exist. You just choose to be a bitchmop rather than be a decent human being. Which is a totally fuckwad thing to do.

But on the other hand, if you are oblivious to others around you, you are treating others like shit and don't even care to look their way. You just sit there in your blissful fuckstick ignorance while everyone is forced to go around you.  You fucking useless bag of abortions!

I am not asking people to change. Just fucking think before you open your fucking face to chide someone for a no good reason. And to the oblivious: just fucking think period.

With deep and abiding affection,

Friday, September 24, 2010

Personal responsibilty. Try it sometime.

I used to be skinny. So skinny that people thought I was borderline unhealthy. But I walked everywhere. I ate anything I wanted and I walked about 6 miles a day. More exercise from dance classes and I was considerably healthy. Now, I own a car and I still eat what I want and I don't take dance classes and I am pudgy. You know whose fault that is? Mine. See that is an example of accepting responsibility for your own situation. You are all in situations like this and the only person who is ever responsible for the power to initiate change is YOU!

Let's abolish the fucking idea that others are to blame for your lot in life shall we? Others may be responsible for getting you there. But only you, keep yourself in that position. Only you accept your limitations and let them beat you down. And only you can start bucking that trend.

This is an era of lawsuits and placing blame everywhere you look. Politicians play the blame game. Corporations scapegoat each other or their employees. I would hope we would strive to be better than that. Unfortunately we don't.

We live in a fucking country where we need warnings on packages that are absolutely fucking ludicrous. I am aware I shouldn't use my hair dryer in the shower or while I am sleeping. Did I really need to be told that on the box? Apparently, because some dipshit tried it and set themself on fire somewhere and held the company responsible.

News flash: YOU SET YOURSELF ON FIRE DILDO SLIME! That is no ones fault but yours.

Here are some more things you should be aware of: fire is hot, water is wet, pointy things can cut you, and you are fucking stupid.

Now personal responsibility is always a factor. Even when the scenario isn't your fault. I may be accused of blaming the victim but at this point I don't care. Many people in this world have deep serious emotional and physical issues and are in need of help. Those people are blameless. UNLESS they refuse to get help. Then fuck 'em they are open to my derision. And they could honestly do me a favor and shut their fucking mouths.

Now some others have problems of a perceived nature (that don't exist) and they still do nothing about it. That is a double fuck you. I have no patience for you. If you are going to create a problem that isn't there and then do nothing to change it. That just spits in the face of everything that is decent. You aren't troubled, you're a fucking drama queen and you could use a kick in the head.

Look, life comes with disappointment and accidents and cruel motherfuckers everywhere you go. Somewhere along the way you are gonna get fucked in a place you don't want to be. Now that it's done. What are you gonna do about it? Are you gonna be a big sensitive pussy and cry in the corner? Are you gonna be an arrogant pisshead and sue somebody who had nothing to do with your unfortunate circumstance?

Or are you gonna be a noble human fucking being that stands up, dusts themself off, and finds a knowledgeable friend or therapist to talk to. If you are gonna pick one of the first 2 options then prepare for me to show up where you are, and break your back. If you're gonna act like a spineless turd I might as well fulfill your wish.

Here I am! Your pissed off genie. Ready to make your one wish of having to rely on everyone else for the rest of your life come true. If you are gonna hold us accountable for your fucked up existence, we might as well have that much power over you anyway.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

fuck family!

I love my family. My immediate family. I love my mom and dad. I love my brother and his family. I have a lot of love to give. Now having said that there is some extended family that I have, that I wish I could make disappear. I can probably count on one hand the number of people I have in my extended family who I would want to talk to. The rest can go fuck themselves. For any of them reading this, I will tell you why.

You don't know me. Blood is thicker than water in a scientific sense, but it means very little to me metaphorically. I don't give a fuck about you. Don't think that just because your blood you can ask anything of me.

I got a message the other day from an uncle of mine wanting to be friends on facebook saying that my grandmother wasn't doing well and they needed to get a message to my dad. I emailed the important message to those who might want it but said nothing else. Now, my father is estranged from most of his family including his parents and doesn't care to speak to a lot of them. The reasons behind this are too many to go into and I don't want to invade my fathers privacy anymore than I have to. (sorry dad if I already have, but this is about me, not you so I'm about to turn it around.)

My grandparents tried to have a relationship with me when I was in high school. They showed up out of the blue and I went to have dinner with them. I have never, at that time, heard anyone in my presence use the word nigger so many times. Not even black people. I chalked it up to being from a different era and thought I shouldn't make judgements. I might still be able to have a relationship with these people. I spoke to them on the phone a total of 3 times. Everytime we spoke my grandfather pleaded with me to bridge a gap between him and his son, my father. I was 17 years old. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Nevertheless I stupidly tried. Nothing came of it because you can't mend that sort of damage through sheer will alone.

Then it began to dawn on me that this old motherfucker was supposed to be getting to know me. ME! Not trying to reach someone else. He had no fucking interest in being my grandfather, he wanted to use me as a pawn. And consistently I begin to see throughout my life how my father became so distant from them. Because none of them wanted to have a relationship. They just wanted to know that they didn't screw up.

Well guess what fuckers. You screwed up. And you will continue to screw up. And I will not be used in any of your fucking games to validate yourselves. Fuck off. The next one of you assmonkeys that tries to use me as a messenger service you can go shove a loaded gun up your ass and pull the trigger.

I know I usually make these posts more generalized so that everyone can get on board. And some of this applies to you people as well. Family isn't that fucking sacred. Your family is made up of people and just like everyone else they have to earn respect and kindness and love by being a decent fucking human being. They don't just get a pass by virtue of similar DNA. I would work harder to make this a better argument for all of you but I needed this one to myself. Just to say, I have had enough.

I can't take it anymore. If you think I'm your friend just because you are family...think again. You don't know me. If you want to know me, make the effort. But don't assume you are gonna get a pass. I still may not give a shit about you. But at least in this regard I will tell you respectfully that I don't fucking care about you or your life, or what your problems are or who is fucking dying.

I am not a means to an end. I am a fucking human being who is worth treating with some fucking respect.

Just fuck off and leave me alone.

With deep and abiding affection

Monday, September 20, 2010

Family values? Really?

The term family values has to be a joke. It has to be. There is no other explanation for why such a term gets used the way it does. Why the American politician thinks that this is a phrase to bandy about like its a fucking gospel, I will never know. Other than the fact that the American public is fucking stupid and has no capacity for abstract thought and is easily scared by old guys who talk in stern tones about the country going to hell.

Let me make my point right off the bat on this. Family values and "the American family" do not exist. It's stupid bullshit used to terrorize a nation. The idea that there is a specific formula that makes a family work is ludicrous on level that borders on mentally unstable. Your average American is not exactly the same as the person next to them or anyone else in the entire fucking world for that matter. So what makes you think that any "group" of people is going to be the same as another. We don't look the same. We don't believe the same things. We don't have the same experiences. So to believe that "the American family is an actual concept is fucking flawed to begin with.

You cannot make generalizations of that magnitude and expect everyone to fall under the umbrella of family values. Yet still we are bombarded by people who want to act as if  "the American family" actually exists. Like its a real family. And that family is under attack. That family's very existence is threatened by any number of things. The world is trying to take down the Cleaver family, according to these nut jobs. I have news for you dick wrinkles. You watch too much fucking television, and you need to join us in the present tense and stop living in your 50's television set.

Now I have looked at some of the things that people say destroy family values and it seems to me that all of them have to do with sex that isn't within a married context. Marriage between a man and a woman, that is. So fucking is what will destroy us.

As a nation, we will be destroyed by a penis going spelunking?

It is amazing that this most important thing that can "save" our fucking nation is so goddamned fragile. Its a fucking joke. You can tell me all you want to that two gays fucking or watching fucking on my computer screen is going to destroy a family but it just won't happen. the family concept is just that, a concept. it can be molded into a thousand different definitions, and is stronger than you shit lickers give it credit for. No, the family will still be around. Just not like you fuck biscuits wanna see it. THAT is what is really under attack.

I will just come out and say it. I am attacking your fundamentalist jackass view of what the family is. Fuck your preconceived notions. And most of all fuck you for thinking that you can pigeonhole the freedoms of the people into your little tiny fucking one-dimensional definition.

We as a nation are open to all sorts of things. To think that we can just line up into categories in order to preserve your bullshit opinion on on how life SHOULD be just makes me want to try even harder to destroy you. I want YOUR marriage to fail I want your kids to be gay and I want your whole fucking tradition to go up in flames. Because freedom is too important to put in the hands of closed minded politicians who don't know how to even communicate other than trying to scare us into subservience. Politics and fear have absolutely nothing to do with freedom.

This country will keep moving on without your fear mongering and your inability to adapt to the smallest change. Fuck you. Go die.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Say it! Say the fucking words!

As you well know I have an immensely dirty mouth. Of course you know that. What the fuck is wrong with me? So I admit my use of words is not always acceptable to some and I know my use of punctuation is lacking. As I told Sami, just think of me as a pissed off e e cummings.

But one thing is certain. I do my absolute best to never misuse words. I try my hardest to never use a word incorrectly and I certainly don't make up words that don't exist. Unless you count fusing two swear words together.

First up is the word anniversary. It means a one year cycle has passed to mark an occasion. When people say that it is there week, or month, or day anniversary of being with someone I am driven absolutely crazy. Words have meanings fuckhead you cant just stick them wherever you want. just say you've been together for weeks or months or whatever its not that hard.

Same thing with the word irregardless. Now I understand the creation of a word to describe something that hasn't been described yet.I even understand the creation of words for something that already has another describing word. Synonyms are help to color our verbiage. But to use a word that is only 2 letters off from its original incarnation, and means the exact same thing is fucking ludicrous. Stop it.

There are several of these I could go into, but I wanna hit the meat of my hatred, and my hatred centers on one thing in this arena...

I am speaking of the use of text speak in the spoken word.

I understand why text speak came about. You have a limited number of characters in a given text to get your message to a friend, and typing whole words really fucking sucks. No one on earth really enjoys typing that much.

But speech doesn't take that long for fuck's sake. Just say the goddamned word. The next person who says jk to me or even worse the plural jks (pronounced jakes) is gonna get stabbed. I swear to fucking Christ, I will stab you right in the tongue so that lazy fucking mouth of yours suffers for its destruction of the language.

I am tired of this crap. I have to decipher enough fucking acronyms in my life, please don't add more. It isn't even as good as slang terms. Slang at least has some form of cleverness to it. But to make everything an acronym is just fucking irritating. You can say brb, just as fast as be right back. The words are better, I promise.

The best however,(and by best i mean worst) is lol or lmao. I have had this uttered in my presence countless times.

I just had to stop for a minute to collect myself because this drives me so fucking nuts I almost blacked out.

Lol means laughing out loud. Laughing is a sound. You type lol because the other person can't...hear you. If you are in my presence...THEN JUST FUCKING LAUGH YOU CUNT NUMBING FUCK WEASEL! What don't you people understand about this? Its just fucking lazy.

Look I understand that language changes all the time, but we should be trying to change it to make it more beautiful and intelligent, not less time consuming. That is really my only problem. I have a tremendous respect for language and words themselves. Please don't shit on them in my presence by spewing out your fucking half assed attempt to communicate with the world. 

All it says to me is that you don't wanna take the time to talk to me. And if that is the way you feel then just don't fucking talk to me. It will save you from being stabbed.

With deep and abiding affection,

P.S. It should also be noted that the spell check on my computer doesn't even recognize the text speak I typed. Suck it bitches. Even technology wants you to speak correctly.

P.P.S. Say what you want, but I believe swear words make our language more colorful and beautiful too.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


First let me say that it isn't that I don't care about the environment. I do. I use the longer lasting light bulbs. I recycle cans. I conserve energy in the home. I try and not waste because it costs me fucking money. So I see that there is a reason for being green as they say. However that is the extent of my green. In both senses of the term.

Every time I hear about how I need to do more to save the earth I say, fuck you. The next person I hear who suggests driving a hybrid or more energy efficient car I am gonna kick them square in the fucking crotch. They always spout that idea like its the easiest fucking thing in the world to buy a car. OK I will just run out with the extra 30 grand in my pocket and buy a new fucking car. Fuck you people. Oh wait...30 isn't enough for some of them. No some of us have to be happy with the car we have. For some that is the bus.

Now maybe you can travel on the bus comfortably, but I cannot. Mostly because I have a face that makes the world wanna talk to me. When I rode the bus I consistently heard phrases spoken to me like..."you look trustworthy." followed by the craziest shit I have ever heard. One guy gave me his plan and his "research" on how to spin the earth the other way by placing jet engines on the equator. I swear to fucking Christ I am not making this up. No more buses for me.

The very height of green crazy is Eco terrorism. This is usually to describe the obsessive actions of a person who cares about the environment so much that they are willing to take drastic measures. Often, measures that cause harm to people and the planet. That is right they still harm the planet.

All over the country these vagina barnacles have started setting fire to housing projects.

I will repeat that.


Do these cock jockeys have any sense of fucking irony? "You know what? I don't like that they are tearing down the natural landscape to build luxury homes. So I think I will further global warming's effects on the planet by setting a huge fire." Not to mention they are setting fire to a wood structure. WOOD! You know, that stuff that grows on trees? Yeah that stuff that you are concerned about them cutting down to build more homes. Well guess what asswipe. They are just going to cut more down in order to build the homes anyway. And if they don't, you have still wasted an absolute fuck ton of natural resources. YOU HAVEN'T DONE SHIT TO SAVE THE PLANET YOU FUCKING ARSONIST PIECE OF SHIT CUNT LOOGIE!

The real problem is that to have any true effect on saving the planet we have to turn to those with the resources and the power to do real work. If you want people to drive cleaner cars either make the cars less expensive or start having the fucking ethanol pumps at my gas station. If you want cleaner fuel sources then put time and money into the effort of finding them. Fuck I mean get NASA on that shit. They aren't doing shuttle missions for a while. And people love when you say that shit is made by NASA. Just look at all the fuckers who bought those memory foam mattresses. But you can't just research the fuels and then say they are possible. You have to fucking make them useful and available to the public.

I see commercial after commercial for clean energy that we could be using. Well, where the fuck is it asswipe? Until we can get it in our own community, it isn't doing shit.

You want us to be green, dickhead? This is one of those problems that has to start from the top and make its way down. Because, guess what. We are already doing as much as we can down here.

With deep and abiding affection,

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A 9/11 memory.

A dear friend of mine asked me for a guest spot in today's blog post sort of last minute and after reading what they had to say I couldn't say no. I was intending a post on a related subject forgetting that today was the anniversary of 9/11. That post will come Monday. People are constantly telling stories about where they were on this infamous date. Not being one to go for this sort of memory play, normally I would've missed this anniversary altogether. However,besides being a self-centered jackass I am also an American and I believe that we should never forget the fallen. So at the risk of offending my usual readers with such a clean post (she is after all a lot more sophisticated than I am) I present My good friend Jessie Nelson:

Nine years ago I worked at an elementary school. I ran the before and after school onsite 'recreational learning' program. I had my own portable for my classroom, all of my own materials and more than enough children as my charges starting at 6:00am.

It was my first year 'teaching' the program and the middle of my second or third week. My lesson plan for the day, to go along with the date, was '9-1-1: Emergency Preparedness and How to React.' I had coloring kits from the fire department, an activity for drawing a house and creating an escape route, making a first aid kit and an emergency preparedness kit, stuff like that.

On my way to work I heard about the trade center. I thought it was a hoax; like 'War of the Worlds' when Orson Welles came on the radio for the martian 'news bulletin.' By the time I got to work I was realized the DJ's weren't just overplaying schtick. I felt like I was in a cloud.

I don't remember every kid coming in, it's been 9 years, but I remember a few; the first kid to be dropped off, his mom pulling me aside and explaining she didn't know how to explain what had happened and she asked me to because she had to get to work and find out what was happening with the people working in New York. Another mom who didn't even know it had happened, I was the one to tell her in the corner of the room where she looked dazed, like she was experiencing my cloud feeling. She took her daughter home for the day. I remember a dad, dropping off his daughter, whispering in the corner with me as he began to cry, another woman who cried, who clung to me and hid her face from her son. And several who's only spoken words to me were 'Do you think they'll close the school today?' Their faces spoke volumes of fear, concern, confusion and guilt. The guilt of not feeling worse; something I, too, was feeling.

Needless to say my lesson plan was out the window. Both before and after school we had a lot of 'Circle Time.' We talked about heavy things that people don't expect kids to talk about; war, racism, death and dying, heroism, anger, fear. There were so many questions I couldn't answer, not just because I didn't know but because, frankly, these weren't my children. I helped mediate conversation, helped them understand what they were feeling and how it was important to talk to their parents about their feelings. I encouraged them to write letters to their parents with all of their questions and their fears.

By the end of the day the middle eastern kids in my group had already been victim of the most basic, childlike forms of racism; similar to that of someone suffering from a terminal case of 'the cooties.' I talked about how nothing about Neda or Darwish or any of the other kids had changed overnight, that they still want to learn, to play, to have their friends want to play with them. I was proud when I saw the mob mentality of the playground melt away and allow my little portable to be a safe haven for everyone.

The funny thing was that the kids were just little, amplified versions of adults; some cried, some were angry, some didn't understand how what had happened applied to them, some didn't even know what was going on. And some just felt a looming sense of 'something's wrong' but didn't know how to express it or define it. I related to those kids the most.

After work I went to my mom's house. As I remember, she was already a media junkie and had watched every second of CSPAN, CNN, Northwest Cable News, etc. That's how we functioned; we had to know every detail and understand everything that had happened; I remember watching entire days' worth of Oklahoma City and Columbine. But I couldn't watch this. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't even comprehend what had happened, what was happening, how I was being affected. I remember the little scare we all had when they talked about how the FEMA bunker in our town, rumoured to be 7 stories below Nike Hill, could be another target for the 'terrorists.' I remember thinking what an absurd name 'terrorist' was. The shoe-bomber was a 'terrorist.' He didn't destroy the WTC, crash into the pentagon and take a plane down in Pennsylvania.

Soon after, the American flag, the symbol for freedom and unity of the states, became an anti-terrorist emblem. Stickers on all car windows, miniature flags flying from antennae and fences and in gardens. It was equated with statements like 'Fuck Osama' and 'Nuke 'em All.' It's entire 200+ years as a herald of hope, independence, struggle and victory had been boiled down to a red white and blue middle finger. Something more to be confused about.

To this day, nine years later, I feel like I still don't understand. I still can't watch, I still tear up when I see commercials for 'never before seen footage' or other glurgy montages of that day. I don't see how everything that happened could have culminated into what followed, and honestly I still don't see how we've begun to heal. I think that, in a lot of ways, we've stitched up the wound without cleaning it; so the skin can start to heal but below there is inflammation, infection, and maybe some shard of glass or stone that will eventually have to work it's way out, through the healed skin and scar tissue.

Yes, I haven't forgotten. I will never forget, and I don't think anyone else will, because nobody can let themselves; it isn't like VE-day or Pearl Harbor or the Tet offensive, this event has a date as it's name. It has usurped a day in history that will hold fewer weddings and barbecues and add an underlying acknowledgement of omen to a birthday. We won't forget, but can we forgive?

There's an Old-Testament part of me that cannot abide to forgive the people who were the planners, suppliers, executioners. But I find no reason to forgive the innocent people that look, talk and maybe even pray like they did because I've never held them in contempt. I know there was a person who looked, talked and prayed like me that pressed the buttons over Hiroshima and Nagasaki. But I don't feel personally responsible for their orders or their actions. But there are some who can't forgive the innocent.

So my nine eleven thoughts allocate themselves to remember the fallen heroes of NYPD and NYFD, the victims and their families, the kids and parents I spoke with, comforted and who comforted me. My thoughts go out to the people still fighting to understand, to gain closure and to find acceptance and end their mourning. But my prayers go out to those who have not been able to forgive:

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have
against one another.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
--Colossians 3:13

With deep and abiding affection,

Friday, September 10, 2010

Sex and violence: the word decency means nothing

I am sitting here stewing over the idea that violence is OK and sex isn't. Not all violence of course. Just television violence. Violence in video games is bad as everyone who jumps to conclusions over bullshit knows. And real life violence is bad as long as it doesn't affect my constitutional right to open carry a bazooka through town.

However, sex will melt a child's brain within seconds and turn your toddler into a prostitute before your very eyes. The mere image of gay men and women will turn you and your child into a god-hating butt-fucking Nancy boy or rug-munching bull dyke respectively.

This is of course fucking ludicrous. But it is what people would have you believe. Now maybe I am writing this just so I can see tits on network television in the middle of the afternoon. I will not discount the fact that such an occurrence would make me overjoyed. However, I know that this is a pipe dream.

The powers that be have ruled that i can watch any number of people get shot or stabbed or whatever fucking mode of death they want to choose. I can see dead bodies get autopsied and studied (minus their naughty bits). All for hours on end. But a nipple at the super bowl gets discussed as though we watched JFK get shot all over again.

What the fuck is wrong with you people. Everyone on the planet fucks. In multiple positions. Everyone. Except People who take vows of celibacy then they just think about fucking a lot. (or even worse they start fucking your kid after mass.)

Why is sex a taboo thing? Why? FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY? I wanna know and I wanna know now.

Humans are meant to fuck each other. That is what we do, we fuck and fuck and suck have some food and fuck some more. We go to work we raise our kids we create and invent the things that shape our world...And then WE FUCK MORE!

But wait with all of that going on...when do we have time to praise god? God is apparently against sex. Unless it makes another human being who is being born to a married couple.

I am sorry but sex is to big a concept to give to those who have free will. While your at it why don't you give a gun and several bullets to a six year old and tell them to go out in the yard and play. Some might argue that we must exercise restraint. Fuck you! Restraint from having sex with whomever I choose and not harming anyone. Or restraint from kicking you right in the fucking teeth for saying stupid shit to me. Believe me God knew what to expect by inventing sex. If you believe in God, do you really believe he didn't see what would happen.

My point is that consensual adult activities don't hurt anyone. Neither does explosions on television or gun play in video games. It is nonsensical rhetoric and intolerance that hurts people. It is those people who believe so strongly in something without question that cause real violence. From the people who blow up buildings and set fires. All the way down to the people who beat up and kill someone because they are different.

We don't need to regulate the airwaves. We just need mutual respect for one another. But sadly that will never happen. Because there are just too many fucking twat heads out there.

With deep and abiding affection

Thursday, September 9, 2010

If you are going to tell a lie... at least make it believable, dumbass!

I think its admirable of Terry Jones to call off his book burning. Unfortunately he was too stupid to just admit that it was a bad fucking idea. No, he had to go and lie about the New York mosque agreeing to build elsewhere. Something the Imam completely denied. FUCK! He couldn't just say he was catching to much flack for his fucktarded idea to burn books. AND couldn't come up with a passable lie. Truly another fucking useless shit cock from Florida.

How many more of those do we get to suffer through huh? I swear there is a reason Florida is shaped like a giant dick. Now I know why so many hurricanes pass through there. Because giant dicks are prone to getting blown more often.

Maybe its just the fact that I am getting older and paying more to the political landscape but the amount of controversy and corruption seems to have exploded lately. I am so glad that I don't live in a Carolina or in Chicago, for fuck's sake. Though I admit that this level of corruption has existed in the past, what I can't believe is that people could be so horrible at lying about shit.

Now anyone trying to make an illegal dollar off of the American taxpayer should be locked up in my opinion. It's the sex scandals i can let slide. Everyone on earth likes to fuck no matter how much they don't want you to know about it.

I understand people wanting to have whatever illicit affairs with men or women or whatever. These people are sociopathic for running for office anyway. But at least think about what you are doing first, fuckers. Have a good story if you get caught.

I mean Jesus tits! Did Mark Sanford think of the Appalachian lie before hopping on a plane to Argen-fucking-tina. I am pretty sure he didn't. Shit Mark Foley (from florida) left a trail of dirty texts and emails so large that it could have been considered a four lane fucking highway right to him.

That is just two in the last couple of years. Larry Craig, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Souder...hmmm maybe we should stop electing guys named Mark. Anyway my point is that lying is a dying art. So few people are good at it anymore.

Now some cunt waffle in florida who wanted to prove something through the burning of books (always an enlightening event...just ask Hitler and thousands of other religious fear mongers) decides maybe this thing I've got planned is not such a good idea. But instead of just admitting that it was idiotic, I need to come up with a lie. I have it! I will tell them that the mosque in New York is going to build elsewhere. No one can refute that.

Guess again bitch. By the way. I know you aren't reading this but I will say it anyway. Your pathetic attempt to reach a mass audience has just resulted in your shame and humiliation. If I were you I would shave that Yosemite Sam mustache and hide somewhere in a foreign country. Or you could just kill yourself. You fucking useless piece of shit.

Bottom line: If you are going to lie to the American public, remember that we may be idiots but we aren't fucking brainless.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Fuck Guilt!

First of all I would like to say thank you Sami for both filling in and doing such a marvelous job. I appreciate how you were willing to help me in my absence and you did a fantastic performance as usual. So good in fact that one might believe you were trying to replace me on my own blog. I mean what kind of bitchy fucking thing is that to do to a guy? What the fuck I ask you for a favor and you stab me in the back by doing a good job and making me look like a fucking retarded asshole?! Fuck You!

You see what I did there? I just berated someone and tried to make them feel bad because I felt inferior. Except I didn't really. Sami please forgive me for making you the subject of my object lesson. your work was admirable and I am proud to consider you a fellow pirate.

Guilt is what I am aiming to fuck with today. You see 3 days ago I was berated for the content of this blog by someone close to me. And I felt so bad that I had to enter a post that made me sound like a sniveling fuckwad. I contemplated deleting it immediately. But then I used it to be able to say what i am going to say today.

First of all fuck you people. I write what I want, when I want, and how I want and it isn't any of your fucking business to tell me different. I consider myself to be nothing more than a performer attempting to get laughs and create a spectacle. Also to lessen actual rage in my life. You want to lay a guilt trip on me? How about you assess what the fuck makes you think you know any better. You don't know any secret formula for a life well lived. So don't fucking pretend to know how to govern mine.

Second of all, guilt is the most fucking irritating form of manipulation you can imagine. Some douche cock wants to tell you how to live by either putting your ass down or by putting themselves down so you feel bad. The latter is the douchiest of the two. Usually performed by mothers and wives its the simpler form of how to get you to do some activity or act a certain way. It is low and underhanded. You can't slap these people upside the head for doing it, and that is a shame. Because they deserve it. You can't even fight that kind of battle. No matter your tactic you end up looking like the biggest assface on the planet. Yet you know that isn't true. So you do what they want.

Well I am here to tell you that anyone who employs that tactic is actually the biggest assface on the planet and deserves to be told to go fuck themselves with a lit candle! And if it makes you look like a dick? That is not the worst thing in the world to be.

The former type of guilt is just fucking rude. Grow the fuck up! YOU AREN'T BETTER THAN ANYONE!

You are not entitled to tell anyone how to live. So fuck off!

The truth is that I let it get to me, because I am a fallible idiot like everyone else. Well no more of that shit. If you don't get the point I am trying to make, ask me about it. I am perfectly willing to spell it out for you. Otherwise fuck off and figure it out for yourself.

With deep and abiding affection,

P.S. I liked Sami filling in for me. It felt good to give someone the forum to talk about what they want and how they wanted. There will be more of that in the future. Also as soon as I hit thirty-one posts that will be a month straight of blogging. So I will be moving to a thrice weekly format. For those of you who don't know what thrice means...fuck you! I just can't keep the same level of rage every day. Its too hard. Gotta let it build up. And fuck you once more for good measure.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Read before you breed

Hello everyone. Our Favorite Dread Pirate has asked me to fill in for him today so I hope that I can live up to his standards. My expletives are not as colorful as his and I have better sentence structure skills so please forgive my lack of “creative word usage.” Okay so here goes . . .

Filicide is the deliberate act of a parent killing their own son or daughter.

In recent months there have been TWO cases of a toddler being beaten to death by a parent for doing what toddlers do – being toddlers. A “mother” beat her 13-MONTH-OLD son to death with a fucking DVD case and threw him up against the wall because he “vomited on her after taking a bottle.”  A “father” killed his 24 month old daughter because she “refused to eat her dinner.”

And that was just HERE.

A few years ago, there was a story of a Fort Worth mom who cut the arms off of her newborn with a kitchen knife and was trying to cut off her own because “Jesus told her to.” Susan Smith drowned her kids because her boyfriend threatened to leave her. Andrea Yates drowned her 5 young kids because after years and years of suffering from post-partum depression (and continuing to have kids – I could SLAP that asshole now-ex-husband of hers for not keeping his dick in his pants and not getting his wife the help she so obviously needed,) she finally snapped out.

I get it. Land of the free. Everyone has the “right” to be a parent. Right?

I just think it is utter and complete bullshit. You need a fucking license to drive a car but all you have to be able to do is lie down and spread ‘em and that qualifies you for parenthood??

I swear to God, there should be a fucking TEST people have to take before being allowed to take their kids out of the fucking hospital. Just the basics. I am not talking cloth vs. disposables or breast vs. bottle vaccine vs. non-vaccine. Just standard “you should know this before you spend any time alone with a baby” questions.

Q: which end does the diaper go on?
Q: should you have your baby in your lap while riding in a car?
Q:  Is it safe to put beer in a baby’s bottle? (the answer to that one is NO – I don’t give a shit how tired you are and how much you need the baby to sleep – getting an infant DRUNK to make them nap is never okay)
Q: is it ever fucking a good idea to throw a baby up against a wall, you stupid cunt!?!

If you cannot answer those simple questions correctly, then the baby should be given to one of the many couples (gay or straight – I don’t give a shit which) who WANT a baby desperately and you should have your twat permanently sutured or your dick cut off and fed to a rabid dachshund in FRONT of you so that you can NEVER breed again.

Stop blaming Child Protective Services and Society and Single Moms and MTV start blaming the real culprits – the ridiculously stupid and selfish fucknuggets who treat children like property that can just be disposed of when they stop being “cute” and have no clue what parenting (or being a human fucking being for that matter) looks like.

Take some fucking responsibility for your own life, get help if you need it and stop taking your aggression out on your kids, you worthless pieces of shit.

With deep and abiding affection,


Monday, September 6, 2010

You too fellas. Fuck you too!

Men are secretly giant pussies with no self confidence. We have to be. Its the only way to explain why we act the way we do. All the machismo all the fucking bravado. Its a cover up for the fact that we are all whiny douchebags who are scared of being judged harshly.

Otherwise you can't explain the hummer. Anything like that has to be more deep seeded than just fear of a small dick. This also explains about how 60%  of wars start. And the treatment of gays women and minorities.

Yeah women like to feel superior through false bravado and conjecture too, but men have it down to a science. We should though. We invented science. The difference however, is that women have fought to move their social standing towards something. I just think they could have chosen better than to be fucking equal to us. Men haven't strived to make ourselves better in any way. We are constantly acting like idiots when we don't need to be. Not in the dumb husband way, seen on TV, but in the I am afraid to be seen as something less than a man way.

For example. I don't work on cars, I am not a huge fan of sports. I like sports but am not a huge fan. I don't have any desire to drive a truck. I fucking hate the outdoors, so no camping or fishing or hunting for me. Now in some men's eyes I have just stated implicitly that I am not a man. Which is bullshit.

I am a theatre actor and took dance for four years. Every man I knew labeled me as a prancer. But you know what guys? I got way more pussy then my guy friends at that time so fuck you! And I didn't have to kill or tackle or fix anything. Sorry even I am prone to this bullshit every now and again. Fuck!

George Carlin once said that the reason bullets and rockets and guns are all shaped like dicks is because it is a subconscious desire to project your penis into other peoples affairs. Its called fucking with people.

And he is right. Men are terrified that we will be found out. That it will be discovered that we aren't tough or powerful that we are really just human beings, prone to the same rules as everyone else. So we prove our manliness to the world by pointing our dicks at things. It isn't a size issue. Guys with giant dicks still poke around at things.

Where does it come from? Who knows. It is too far back for me to figure it out. All I know is that we have to do something about it guys. We have to stop being fucking douchebags and grow the fuck up. I am tired of being lumped into the same category with a bunch of fucking mono synaptic assclowns running around in circles trying to prove they are bigger or faster or better at something. Its time to stop this.

Do I think we will though? Absolutely not. Sadly your dealing with a group of people who still think the words fart and boner are funny.

Fuck! I guess we are that stupid.

With deep and abiding affection,

P.S. I am going on vacation tomorrow and will not be blogging. So to keep with my perfect record of one blog a day I have asked my good friend Samantha Camp to ghost write tomorrows topic. What will she write about? I have no fucking idea. But I am sure it will be filled with wonderful things to be angry about. Slit some throats Samantha! I will be back on Wednesday.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

seriously folks!

I was plannning on doing a piece on guys and their significant need to be macho and idiotic through their entire lives but another subject has become more pressing. I promise the subject of men will come up tomorrow.

I have been alerted to the fact that my point is not actually coming across in some of these blogs. You may notice a little less vitriol in this post and for that I am sorry. But I needed to finish hammering home a few points.

The world has some preconceived notions in it. Notions I would like to stifle. People who believe that there religion is common sense and is ok to rub in the faces of everyone they come across. People who are actually moderately religious but stay silent when extremists kill in the name of their god. The god they are supposed to believe in is twisted and they stay silent.

People who think that the public forum of politcal debate means using tactics instead of just stating one's opinion regardless of what gets you a position in public office. People motivated to act in what they think is the publics best interest without studying the real consequences of actions.

And as always my biggest gripe: people who place themself on a pedastal and think they are somehow better than everyone because of money, color, social standing, or accidental attributes they were given at birth. which is of course completely untrue.

As I explained to a good friend of mine who's feelings I hurt because of my ranting: I speak this way to you all to wake you up. I hammer my points in but I don't always make them. I aim to offend for the sheer purpose of giving you something to think about and to question what myself and others are saying.

I make a lot of points that no one in their right mind would believe. But I say them in hopes to either make you laugh or to make you angry or to make you sad. I want to elicit a reaction to stir up your life. Make me a hero. Paint me as a villain. I don't care. Just stop pretending that everything in your world is fine. Because it isn't. Which points are ridiculous is up to you to figure out.

I am merely barking in the dark. Either you will laugh or stomp away angry and never read this page again. I make no apology but I do say in great earnestness, please learn something. Go out and prove me wrong. I want you to. I want the argument. I want the argument partly because its fun and partly because i want to learn what others think. However, I also want to know when you think I am right.

At heart I am a performer. When I can't perform live to feel an audiences reactions. I move on to the printed page to get them that way. That is all it is.

Today I couldn't muster the rage. I couldn't. Which is the other part of what I am supposed to be doing. Tomorrow we will bring you back to my regularly scheduled psychosis.

With deep and abiding affection,

P.S. The guilt inside of me made me write most of this, so prepare in the coming weeks for a blog entitled Fuck guilt!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Hey laaaaadieeeees! Go fuck yourself.

I am sick to death of the amount of shit that I have to take from the general public because I am in fact a man. I am tired of jokes about men. I am tired of men being portrayed as idiots in sitcoms and commercials. And I am really tired of the cliched idiot husband.

Now why do we get this kind of treatment you may ask? It beats me. It may have something to do with the fact that women feel like they have been oppressed by the white man just the same way minorities are, and they feel, as they get more equality, that being so degrading of men is warranted. But didn't you ladies learn anything. We have done that for centuries and the best you can aspire to, is to be just like men? For what? Revenge? I have been told time and time again that women are more compassionate. But I guess not. I guess equality is REALLY what you wanted

Now I have said a couple of times that we are all stupid. I shouldn't need to say it again.

That being said I would just like to say that women are just as stupid as men. Congratulations the equality movement worked.

Women do not have special powers. They have no intuition. They do not make better leaders. They also don't have a sixth sense. They are fucking human beings. The vagina and the breasts do not contain magic.

The number one thing I keep hearing is that if women ruled the world there would be no war. Fuck you! There is a reason that the word cunt (a female body part) is so despised and used to describe only the bitchiest of women. (men too.) I have seen more cat fights then I can count. I have seen more backstabbing and betrayal from women than I have ever seen from a man. I am not saying that if women ran the world it would be worse. I am saying It would be the exact fucking same.

The number two thing I have to hear about endlessly is childbirth. How women are so strong for being able to bear children. OK yes, you go through a lot of pain and it sucks for a long time. But who chose to do that? Most likely you did. Even if the kid is an accident, you still chose not to abort, so you made the decision. If you have a partner who stays with you they have to watch you go through it. Now maybe your inclination is to tell me to fuck off, but think about it. Have you ever watched someone you love go through intense emotional or physical trauma, and you are unable to do anything? That is not fucking easy in the least so maybe your body is stronger but a lot of husbands and partners out there are way more fucking compassionate than you give them credit for. They certainly don't deserve being treated like fucking idiots.

Yes I agree women kick ass and are definitely the more beautiful of the two sexes at least according to straight men and lesbians. My whole diatribe here isn't gonna change anyones mind. But can we please let go of the labels for a few fucking minutes and actually analyze people based on their abilities and their ideas. Rather than make everything so fucking divisive. Without making us hate one another and fucking argue that some generalized group is better than another.

That is all I have to say. And if this post means I don't get fucked for awhile. Then it hasn't changed anything either.

Tune in Sunday for why men are really just as idiotic as women are. I do like to be fair.

With deep and abiding affection,

Old people are fuckers.

There is a man outside my window who looks like he is a revolutionary war veteran. I noticed him because he seems to be trying his best to clear his throat very loudly. And by clear his throat I mean spit his entire fucking throat out. Sounds like there is a fucking demon in there. Time for an exorcism. But that is a whole other topic.

I hate kids, and yet I was one. Nothing I can do about that. I am, however going to get old. Unless I say something in one of these posts that causes an angry mob to show up and lynch me. However since I only have about three and a half readers at this point I am not too worried.

So since I am going to be old at some fucking point in my life I can do something about it now.

To you old people out there now. What the fuck is wrong with you? No, I don't mean your ailing hip joint or the sciatica. I don't need a three hour conversation about salves. I mean why are you fuckers such jackasses in public? You think being old gives you the fucking right to act like douchebags? You act as though this world owes you something. teenagers act like that too and we tell them to shut the fuck up. Why are you so different? Yes I understand you have been around a long time.

That is my underlying issue with you. You have been around a long fucking time. You should know better. I can't tell you how many times someone older than me has said that they "had so much fucking experience" and "had been around to know enough" or "had seen a thing or two". Yet somehow you fuckers just keep showing how much you really don't know shit.

I mean, when did it become so hard for you fuckers to deal with other human beings? Now some of you haven't changed from being normal human beings. I have no beef with you. I want to become one of you one day. But there are some of you who just seem like you are lost in this big ass world.

How is it that you can tout so much experience, and knowing so much more than me? Yet the minute you get conned out of money or do something so horrifically stupid...your excuse is that it happened because you are old. Fuck you! You can't have your cake and eat it too. Wait a minute. What the fuck does that even mean? That is literally one of the dumbest quotes I have ever heard and yet I still use it. One of you experienced old people thought that up didn't you?

You just sit there and string random thoughts together and I am supposed to walk away thinking you have made gold? Well guess what oldies You may have seen more than us, but it doesn't mean you know anything more. You people are idiots too.

Yes I go back to post number three, and say we are all idiots. Again. Including our wise old elders. Fuck you! You geezers are just as flawed as me and everyone else. You have just been fucking up longer. Just go knit or something and be nice. The rest of us need to do that too. The world doesn't owe you anything. It never has and it never will. But I would expect someone as old as you people are would have figured that out by now.

As for respecting my elders, I do. I respect the fact that you have great stories. I respect the fact that it will take you a little longer to execute movements and tasks. I respect that you come from a different era and see things differently because of it. What I do not respect is your inability to adapt to new ideas. I do not respect that you think you are better for having aged. Aged is not always better. Sometimes aged fucking stinks.
By the way I will not get into an argument about what fucking age is old by any standard. No fucking cliches like "you are only as old as you feel or act" either. You know when it hits you. WE do to. Right about the time people start asking you for shit when you die.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I am not done shaking my fist at you!

Now yesterday I said I hated vegetarian need to talk about their personal philosophy.  I also talked about the organic foodies who fucking think they are better than everyone because of their ability to spend more money on fruit for absolutely no benefit.

I never got to those people who are all natural and the raw foodies. Bunch of cocksuckers! Sorry I need to slow down.

Every fucking grocery store has a all natural section in it. This area is always made to look like its made from natural fibers and it smells like hippies were fucking there. The shelves are stocked with natural foods and supplements that look very fucking impressive. And yet not one motherfucker in the store knows what that shit is. It might as well be considered the modern version of snake oil. Besides, half of it is supplements that have no purpose. The other half seems to be soy products and healthier versions of potato chips.

What the fuck? Why are we using valuable grocery space to put shit in there that no one understands how they work or if they work? Its just fucking shit that we sell to the moronic public who have no energy to look this shit up. Hmmmm...maybe I should invent an energy supplement to motivate people to look this shit up.Or yet another energy drink maybe.

Fuck those guys too. Need a pick me up? Try my liquid legal version of speed. It tastes like ass and is a wonderful substitute for GOING TO FUCKING BED!


Now to my other hated subject today. The raw food movement. What can I say to these people but fuck you? I have tried to understand these fucktards. I have listened to their lunacy. I have tried to make sense of it and I cannot.

I enjoy an uncooked apple. I enjoy a salad. I am also a big fan of sushi and carpaccio. But fuck me, cooking was invented by cavemen. Cooking has been around since the fucking dawn of humankind. Not only that, its a fucking art form. I never thought shitheads who are so into different art forms like hippies are would ever sneer at something that can be so beautiful and delicious.

Once again the food police try to make you feel bad for making a choice. An infinitely safer and more delicious choice.

Yet I find that to be the number one thing pissing me off in all my rants. We all make choices. Why on earth do some of the shitheads on this planet get their jollies from looking down their nose at us. I admit that sometimes its warranted, when it's hilarious. But fuck you in the neck if you think you are superior for any reason.

This is the last paragraph of this entry and I just wanna use it to say: To anyone who thinks they are better than anyone else based on religion, sexual orientation, personal choice of diet, or how one spends their personal time. Go fuck yourself. You are less than human. Human beings have compassion and tolerance for others who are different. You aren't changing anyone so shut your fucking mouths and go pray and eat your soy burgers in a corner and fucking cry. The rest of us who pray to god in private and eat vegetarian and health food because we like it better and don't have a need to write a pamphlet about it or don't do either and aren't judgemental...We will be over here living our lives happily without you. You fucking shitbags

With deep and abiding affection,

P.S. vegetarians ruin parties. that is all I am saying.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Take your natural "whatever" and shove it.

I am an average human being. That being said, I eat meat. Not because of some political position or theory on the circle of life. I don't do it too piss of some societal norm or because I think that it is philosophically correct. No. I eat meat because it tastes good and its what I want.

Ask a vegetarian why they eat the way they do and you get their thesis paper from "who gives a fuck" university as to why they do it. Not one of them will tell you that it's because they just prefer vegetables or just have no desire to eat meat. No. You get the philosophical diatribe of a person who must justify to a world who, surprise surprise, doesn't fucking care.

The problem is that this country has such a fucked up relationship to food. I am sick to death of the idea that food is anything more than fuel for the body and something that tastes good. I don't give a shit what you eat. Just stop giving a shit about what I eat. OK? I am sick of your opinions.

The same goes for organic and all natural foods. Fuck you. I've heard all the benefits organic foods and the truth is that there is absolutely no proof that it is any better for you than anything else. In fact most studies will tell you that organics benefits are all perceived, as opposed to real.

Do you organic fuckers know what goes into being labeled an organic product? As a coffee master for Starbucks I researched organic coffees. The farmers must sacrifice 3 years of crops while they prove that no prohibitive materials were planted on the land in question. Three years of crops gone. Hope your fucking family doesn't need to eat for three years. But don't grow it this way, and hippie fuckwads with chips the size of vw bugs on their shoulders won't buy your stuff.

Maybe you people don't fucking realize this but people are out there just trying to make a living. You don't like how animals are treated in commercial farms? Buy from local butchers. You don't like the pesticides in commercial farming? Buy at farmers markets and only buy what is in season. But don't sit there in your fucking tower and pass your judgements on those of us less concerned with where shit comes from. I know what I like and I will not be guilted by you into changing my mind.

Keep your food religion to yourself. We will keep eating whatever we want. In the end we will both die. And whatever you think about how superior you were when we were both alive, won't mean shit. you are still fucking dead.

With deep and abiding affection,