tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83045074474411676412024-03-08T02:27:56.680-08:00hoisting my black flagGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-35810184941414040822017-01-20T09:53:00.000-08:002017-01-20T09:53:54.207-08:00Guess who's backWell it's inauguration day and Donald Trump will take the stage in what I am sure will be his biggest self love festival since yesterday. Now a lot of my friends have anxiety and fear over what this will mean. Myself included. Some of us are still wondering how we got here. According to some of my libertarian friends we got here because elitist liberals love telling people how stupid they are and how superior they are. Which is very funny coming from libertarians who spent the entire election trying to promote a geographically challenged man as the "smart alternative" to other candidates. Libertarians have been playing the smug smarter choice card for as long as I can remember. They are kings of the "you are all idiots for picking the other two major parties"argument.<br />
<br />
Here is just one part of the scorecard:<br />
Whig party Presidents: 4<br />
Libertarian party Presidents: 0<br />
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A party that is has been defunct for many decades has more presidential representation than you. So cool it with the calling the kettle black shit.<br />
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We are generally predisposed to want to call someone an idiot for making bad choices. But that luxury is now gone. Your frustration and anger don't matter. (I know I can scarcely believe I am saying it too.) Now is the time that we all become...wait for it...Bruce Lee.<br />
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No we aren't all going to learn Kung Fu. We are going to be cool headed problem solvers that don't let pettiness and anger get in our way. We are all going to be Arthur Fonzarelli. We are all going to take our little special snowflake feelings and put them in a room separate from where we work. we will go in and visit them occasionally and then come back out as icy and cool as before.<br />
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I am tired of when they go low we go high. It is time for when they lose rationality we have it. We are going to have a president who will constantly be throwing tantrums and the way we deal with tantrums is to not give them any attention. (we already tried showing them how stupid they look, that tactic didn't work.)<br />
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No when it comes to the political discourse in this country, I will not fight with my feelings.<br />
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At the opening of the film Enter the Dragon, Bruce Lee tells a student to attack him with emotional content, not anger.<br />
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For too long we have been at this world like a kid eating fried chicken. We are so worried about eating the breading. Time to be adults and get down to the meat. Where the actual food is.<br />
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"Oh! But Gabriel, the breading is so tasty we love the memes and the jokes and the snark. I just love telling Trump voters that they are fucking stupid. And when they get all pissy about it I love to point out that the party that insults minorities and the lgbt community and anyone with a sense of decency at how others should be treated, is getting all bitchy when the tables are turned. That is the most fun thing ever. Breading is delicious and so salty!"<br />
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Yet millions can and will lose health care. Meat just left behind to rot and be stolen by scavengers who will strip you of what others fought so hard for you to have. We thank soldiers for pointing a gun in our defense but we never applaud the absolute hard work it took by regular folks everyday doing something to make our lives easier. the folks who fought for universal health care and only could get the ACA. And now while you make fun of Grizzlies in schools, that woman will make schools follow a profit margin. Yeah its fucking hilarious. It is. I laugh every time I see it. I enjoy breading too. But what will happen to our educators who fight everyday to make sure our children are just a bit better than they were the day before.<br />
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We will lose all of it if we don't stop pointing fingers.<br />
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A friend of mine said that the trouble with liberals is that if something or someone is not perfect or perfectly aligned with our beliefs it is considered worthless. I think that is true. I think it is also true of republicans, libertarians, green partiers, tea partiers, animal activists, socialists, hippies, bikers, fundamentalists, sports fans, theatregoers...Americans.<br />
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It has been bread into our thinking that we have to be the best, have the best, be seen with the best, be associated with the best in order to be happy. Look no further than the man who will be sworn into office today. But the best is what you make it.<br />
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Some of the best tasting food in the world comes from poor people who were given scraps and had to make do.<br />
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It won't be perfect but it will be yours. It will be because of your efforts. Because of our efforts. We are in this together.<br />
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"Stand up and fight and I will stand up with you." -The Dropkick Murphys <i>The Gauntlet</i><br />
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With deep and abiding affection,<br />
<br />
Gabriel<br />
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<br />Gabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-70637695509038662202014-02-03T08:05:00.000-08:002014-02-03T08:12:14.212-08:00A tribute to a friend and mentorIt's story time again.<br />
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I have been thinking about Dorothy a lot lately. I miss her. It has taken 10+ years for me to realize how much someone meant to me. Not that I didn't feel pain when she died or sadness, but I was younger then and still full of my own hubris. I hadn't become an adult in the sense that we all know. I hadn't had to be a productive member of society who truly appreciates what he has. Now that I struggle with life the way most people do and can look back at how much better it was to float through the ether with no real troubles I realize what I am missing and how much people have shaped my life without me realizing it.<br />
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I now spend a lot of time thinking about the person I am and how I am affected by others. I am trying my best to get back to that ether but keep my feet on the ground. struggling to find the best of both worlds. But I digress, let me tell you about Dorothy because you need to know.<br />
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I met her when my family lived in Denver. She was a friend of my grandmother. Like most people I meet I was unsure of her and paid close attention to this stranger in my midst. You see I was only 5 years old. Strangers made and still make me uncomfortable, but Dorothy had magic, you see. My brother was like a dog, as I recall he took to her immediately he was all about new people. I was like a cat, easily over-stimulated and skittish of the new and overenthusiastic. I thought she liked him more at first because she kept her distance from me. But she just knew that she had to wait for me to come around. Such are the memories of the young. It was really good judgement from a woman who had dealt with people but it still seems a lot like magic.<br />
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We used to have game nights, on the same nights there was a new episode of the Golden Girls. She loved that show. She lived alone and had three adult children (she was a contemporary of my grandmother after all) but her kids are another story. Game nights usually consisted of trivial pursuit or Win Lose or Draw (because fuck pictionary, Win Lose or Draw was a TV game show hosted by Vicki Lawrence. Who hosted pictionary? nobody, that's who.) These evenings were full of laughter and dessert. If it was cake she got the middle piece, no arguments, if it was cheesecake she had the biggest piece and then there was the Frankenstein creation known as cherry slop...( I gave it that name, and it stuck) Cherry slop was a can of cherry pie filling covered in yellow cake mix with pads of butter on top then baked. It was the easiest dessert to make ever. I remember no specifics of these times and what we laughed at but we started game night when we met her and it stopped when she got sick. My memory blurs all of this and just says happy.<br />
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Now Dorothy wasn't just a happy person. She had a rough life in a lot of respects. I didn't know much about them but I knew one thing. All of her children suffered from alcoholism in some form or another. And she seemed like just underneath her good humor she had weathered a lot of storms.<br />
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She loved football, and stand-up comedy (as long as they didn't just yell at the audience) and Neil Diamond.<br />
I don't think she could have been prouder of my choosing to do theatre. though I can't remember if she ever saw me on stage (once again floating in ether and hubris) but she was proud. She was a very dirty woman. Not physically, but her humor was very suggestively blue. She liked men. The half naked kind. The completely naked ones too I would assume. She was dirty but never vulgar. I remember one time during a game of win lose or draw she had to draw the phrase "rubber check".<br />
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She drew a condom.<br />
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My fifteen year old brother guessed it.<br />
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This is my family.<br />
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When she moved to Washington we missed her and then when tragedy struck our family and we had to move there was only one real option. Move to be near family. I was only ten at the time so that is what it felt like. It felt like we would move across the country away from all I knew but there would be someone there who made it all better.<br />
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She taught me how to play video games. Suck on that ageists. A contemporary of my grandmother was the first one to put a controller in my hand and teach me to play legend of Zelda on super Nintendo. I had played in arcades before but it was from her I learned the patience that is necessary for console gaming.<br />
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When she got sick my mother was her caretaker. she lived about a five minute walk for us and...<br />
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Dorothy had been a smoker her whole life, like I am sure she smoked as an infant. But she eventually quit. Story telling symmetry would like me to believe that it was at the same time her son David joined AA, but I am not sure of that. Anyhow, she lived several healthy years until she started complaining of pain in her leg and a doctor visit concluded she had lung cancer that had metastasized to her bones...<br />
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I didn't know what any of this meant but the life slowly drained from the sun as I watched over a period of months. Then she was gone.<br />
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I stood at her funeral and told all those present that a piece of every performance I gave would be for her. And that is still true to this day.<br />
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She was a big part of my history and I feel like I should tell you not just so you get a better picture of me, but because there is so much that I don't remember that I don't want to forget any more.<br />
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Thank you for letting me indulge in the past. And thank you Dorothy for everything you gave, I am a better person for your efforts.<br />
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With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-20990762182141176322013-11-14T09:54:00.000-08:002013-11-14T09:54:20.730-08:00Petty Gabe and his heartbreakI read a post this morning about the nominees for the broadway world award thing and saw the name of an ex-girlfriend. I thought for about 5 minutes about how shitty a person I thought she was and how that immediately disqualified her from anything good happening to her ever. Because that is the way the world works inside my head. if you and I are at odds currently the universe should shit all over you and not take into account that you may have something good to offer. I have been thinking this way a lot recently.<br />
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I went to the wedding of a dear friend and ran into a guy I don't talk to anymore. Mostly because he was always obnoxious and a had a habit for saying the stupidest things imaginable. And he now has a wife and 2 kids and a house and a good job with prospects on a better job. My envy got the better of me and I thought about all the things that made his life shittier than mine so I could feel better.<br />
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Then I realized that I was making life into a sitcom. The episode where the main character goes to a class reunion and finds himself coming short of all his peers and then some sweet female character kisses him and says he is the perfect man for her. The crowd AWWWWWS at the moment and he has learned a valuable life lesson. But then next week the poor schlub goes back to being an idiot. I fucking hate that.<br />
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If my life sucks or is any less than someone else's it is because I feel that way about it to begin with and obviously need to make a change. The truth is that the guy at the wedding is still a little bitch and an obnoxious asshat. He may have better things than I do and he may have his family life all planned out but that is not my fucking business. My personal life is fantastic. I am in a much better place than I have ever been. My job wears on me a lot and I think it is time I made myself able to be in a better position but that is my job and not on anyone else. So problem solved...<br />
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Except not.<br />
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I like to consider myself a decent actor. I do theatre that makes me happy. I have a hard time with the idea of awards because while i like the idea of someone saying how great I am, I also don't think that should ever come into play as to why I do it. At it's heart, awards are all about marketing. if you have won an award you can put it on your resume and people are more likely to buy you for their next project.<br />
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And yes I will admit it here...I wish I could be a professional actor I don't care about starving or being homeless, as I have said to others. It isn't about being lazy or careless...<br />
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I'm just scared.<br />
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I don't like failing. I want to be assured that all my hard work won't be for nothing. But I don't know how to do that. It is why I like the work so much. It feels like I am doing what I want for a change.<br />
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That being said this blog has taken a turn I didn't expect it to...<br />
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I was going to go into the fact that hating an ex for getting nominated is a bullshit concept. That my own feelings about others doesn't make them less of a person. I was going to go into a full rant about my list of exes and do a where are they now thing for a gag and say that I have learned to wish them well. I was going to talk about how doing theatre isn't about my ego and that awards while nice really shouldn't be anything to make me feel like a lesser performer or any more of performer in the case of those doing it.<br />
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But I have come to the realization that I want more. I want more in my real life job and I want more from theatre. I love them both.That is what I have learned here And I am tired of being the lowest man on the totem at work, but that can be changed with more education. And I am tired of playing the same thing over and over which makes me overlooked by everyone. I can put out the best performance of the asshole that learns something and I can inform exactly how decent a guy that character is before you learn he is a nice guy but I want more. I love that guy. But I am that guy. and I want to be able to show that I can be something else. I am an actor for fucks sake.<br />
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I can do anything. I just wanted you to know.<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-7172081556652289042013-09-04T08:58:00.001-07:002013-09-04T08:58:53.482-07:00Actors...I shit 'emI have said before that I started acting when I was sixteen. When I was fifteen I watched a group from the high school play some theatre games for us as an enticement to join the theatre. One of the girls in the group was a friend of my brother's so that made it seem cool. Plus I had done a ton of improv games with my father and the church group that I was a part of up until I had my falling out with organized religion, but that is another story entirely. <div>
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Through the years I have worked with some great people and a surprising number of them are dead now and no one in the theatre scene remembers them. Great men. Great women gone from people's memory. People I truly loved. My high school drama teacher, the woman who taught me all my basics, dead. Remembered only by Lakes High School alumni who were old enough to take her class. Dr. Les Price, who believed in my talent as a young actor, died of cancer. Remembered by only a few people who I have worked with and keep in touch with. Doug Saxby, A lovely, wonderful man who captured my attention every time he spoke. When he spoke it was always something worth hearing. Dead. Of course he was in his late seventies when I met him but still...no one but a few people I converse with remember him. And those are just a few of the souls who directed me on stage and in life.<div>
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Now, most of the people I know in theatre are still alive. The number of them that I respect...well let's just say that there aren't many.</div>
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You are probably wondering where this is all leading.</div>
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Doug Saxby once told me that a famous actor used to look through the curtain at the audience and whisper silently "You sons of bitches" but when he went onstage he made the audience love him. Stephen Borsuk (alive) once told me when playing a character to go out and fuck the audience. Make them scream and want to fuck you. But my favorite mentor for theatre I have ever had is Henryk Wroszynski. That man once said to a cast working for him, when asked what method of acting he subscribed to, "we will use whatever method works." That man has taught me more about theatre than anyone ever has.</div>
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You see besides being an actor, I am also a punk and part-time rude-boy in the respect that I am into punk music and ska and that I rebel against most things people tell me about the rules. And when it comes to rules of theatre I only adhere to a few. I know a lot of people lately who have quoted others on what is important in the theatre and I have heard a number of stories of people doing acting exercises that were just so important that you wouldn't believe the performance it pulled out of them.</div>
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You are fucking stupid.</div>
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Here is what is important:</div>
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Show up ready to work</div>
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Do the job while you are there.</div>
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Know your place</div>
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Have fun</div>
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Don't be afraid to talk yell scream what you think</div>
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Go the fuck home and have a life</div>
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A paltry list, I know, but that is all there is. Anyone tells you different and they are lying to you. If someone tells you that warm-ups are absolutely necessary to participate in, tell that festering tit boil to go suck a mangy infected cock. If anyone tells you an exercise is absolutely important to pulling a character out of you for a marvelous performance remember that is not their place to determine. All of it is just an excuse to revel in the art or craft of acting, and theory like that makes you into one of those mindless elitist cockholes that make people hate theatre and actors in the first place. You sound like a douchebag. If you listen to music, or warm-up, or create a power animal like some hippie fuckwad who wants to connect a character with nature, that is fine but don't think for a moment that anyone else gives two flying cunts. </div>
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Also I have had people as of late try to tell me that some parts of the theatre are more important than others? If you think one part is more imortant or is "the most important" you are going to see your entire project collapse before your eyes. So don't waste your time on importance.You are there to WORK! For whatever reason that might be. If it gives you an adrenaline rush. If it caters to getting you attention you do or don't get in life. If you just love the whole process and want to be a part of it all. If you love the dissection of character and love the journey you get to take in discovery, whatever reason you have you are there to work. Not to give a shit how many audience members are there. Not to play fucking games. Not to feel superior to other people. You are there to work. </div>
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If you got into theatre for the money, then someone fucking lied to you and you were dumb enough to believe it.</div>
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I guess what I am saying is what Henryk said. Do what works, but I would add that we should realize that not all actors work the same. They don't all fit a pattern. At best your performance may have all the pieces fit together but the puzzle wont have any edge pieces. It won't be easy, the edges will be rough, some parts of the picture might be missing and it certainly won't be pretty in spots. But the work got done. Then you can go the fuck home and have a life. And don't think for a second that it matters in the grand scheme of things. </div>
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Doug Kerr once said to a cast that I was in to, "not let our heads get to big by doing this show, after all there are people in china who don't even fucking know that you or this show exists."</div>
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And in the end the people you love, who truly shape your world will be gone and no one will remember them or anything they said. So don't think for a second that this experience is for anyone but yourself. If you keep trying to make it for other people you might miss the target. If you make it for you, others might get something out of it and feel like they saw a part of you that is worth seeing, and you are guaranteed some happiness for yourself(have fun).</div>
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With deep and abiding affection,</div>
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Gabriel</div>
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Gabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-67185853444617157812013-07-11T10:25:00.000-07:002013-07-11T10:25:48.207-07:00At the risk of really offending someone...Ok, I was trying to wait until this congealed in my head as a solid thought because I am having trouble and need to know more from the high minded individuals I call friends and family. Let me just say that, ever since I was cognizant of what it is, I have been a supporter of the LGBT community. I am a supporter of equal rights for all of sexualities, but a couple of recent articles have given me pause to consider one initial in that set. I have no issue at all with the LGB portion of it. I am a firm believer that the definitions of sexuality can be changed with no problem. Those in the against category would argue that sex is for the instinctual purpose of procreating but at a deeper level I believe we all just want to cum and whatever gets you there is fantastic. Unless its children. They got another several years to get used to just the basics of living before we throw the confusion of sex and emotions involved. If you wanna steal that innocence do us all a favor and kill yourself because sex isn't about cumming for you. And that is just unnatural. In fact any sex that has nothing to do with cumming or interpersonal connection is wrong.<br />
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But I digress. The definitions of the word sexuality could use a little broadening and changing. We are a people who are constrained by words and their definitions. Learning to bridge the gap between peoples definitions is where it gets tricky. Which brings me to my point. The transgendered. The T in LGBT has been showing up in my consciousness lately. And I guess the things that are bothering me is where I need the discussion.<br />
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I read an online comic some of you are familiar with called Penny Arcade. I love their stuff and am a fan. I have prints of some of their comics on my wall. The artist for the comic got into some hot water when he had a discussion about a game that basically teaches women how to masturbate. The discussion was that the game was intellectually bigoted against those of the transgendered community because it is marketed as a game for women and some transgendered consider themselves women without the corresponding anatomy. The artist felt that this was not the case because people with vaginas are generally women. The man was called cis male garbage and even had someone threaten to kill him. He eventually apologized for his role in all that transpired and had some great conversations with some other people that really opened his eyes to some greater truths. Which is partially what I am endeavoring to do here.<br />
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In other news, I read an article this morning about a transgendered member who is in nursing school who has been threatened with expulsion for using the women's restroom. This is being labeled as intolerance by the person who wrote the article. Now the assertion of the article expresses that she can no longer use the bathroom that is in the building she takes classes in. Instead she must use a restroom on the other side of campus in the admin building that resembles a janitorial bathroom.<br />
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These are two examples that have come into my consciousness that I have trouble with. At heart I believe the definition of sexuality can be broadened to include all. But it is a much harder prospect to change our definitions of gender. Sure the campus could put unisex bathrooms and the game company could make a masturbatory game for all people but I think the problem can be solved at a deeper level.<br />
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Like I said sexuality is a definition that can be broadened but I believe terms like male and female are too broad. Saying something is male in our society carries so much more than just having a dick.<br />
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The game in question probably has some ambiguous title like women's sensuality trainer when this would be better to just call it what it is. Twat whacker trainer or Pussy fingering guide. It would be still exclusionary but those who identify as female, without vaginas would know that it isn't for them.<br />
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Bathrooms are labeled male and female. So either have unisex bathrooms or label them for corresponding anatomy. This bathroom is for individuals with penises. That Bathroom is for individuals with vaginas. Or maybe people should just mind their own fucking business in the fucking bathroom and stop looking at what other people are doing in there. Honestly the quimstain that reported the transgendered woman in the bathroom is spending way to much time worried about other fucking peoples bathroom habits. It's a bathroom get in and get out, ya fucking vain ass bitch!<br />
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Specifics and generalities are what get us in trouble. When I am looking at a specific person I can treat them however they want. I am glad to call you whatever you want to be called. All my pronouns will correspond. Generalities are what get us in trouble. Referring to large groups never works. Stereotypes and grouping people together doesn't work. I put it to you that it never has. <br />
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When speaking in generalities your words need to be simpler. Individuals are complex. Mobs are simple.<br />
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If you need to soften the bathroom words for kids we can say innies and outties. There, you paranoid childish freaks.<br />
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Communication is everything and just bringing up this topic gives me some insight but I feel like this is only the beginning of the conversation and I really look forward to everything I am going to learn.<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-59468242620392935972012-12-15T10:51:00.000-08:002012-12-15T10:51:08.350-08:00In the face of tragedy...shut your fucking face.I fucking hate all of you.<br />
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Every single fuckass who mentioned the school shooting yesterday just became more of a fuckass in book.<br />
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If you are a close friend of mine I am sure I will forgive in time but right now you are fucking idiots.<br />
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Let me break this down for you. Every time a tragedy like this strikes news media goes into overdrive about all the details. I have to watch crying families and traumatized victims for the next 6 hours and it will continue for the next several weeks. Despite the fact that every expert I have ever seen says this is the exact wrong fucking thing to do if you want to prevent more violence. To prevent more kids from dying, stop doing this thing you are doing. Most of you would say OK and stop doing it because you couldn't live with that shit on your conscience. But the news media makes money.<br />
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That is what this is about. Making money. Getting something from the death of children. profiting from death. And we all watch it. Feeling heartbroken, outraged, alone, and afraid. Fear becomes currency. And then it perpetuates to social media. This is the second part of the equation. Now I feel bad that some kids died. I feel bad for their parents and I say that right now so that you will understand when I say, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! Guess what, the parents who lost their kid don't care either. They are too busy grieving the loss to their family to say, gee I hope some whiny douchesuck in the pacific northwest is thinking about me and my loss. Unless you are headed out to Connecticut right now to give free counseling and love to those people your prayers mean absolute dick. I am not saying you can't pray for them but what in your fucking self centered puckered asshole were you thinking when you thought the rest of the internet needed to know that?<br />
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Hey everyone look at me I have feelings and I am a good person too. Go fuck yourself, you fucking cunt maggot. You aren't fucking special. These situations arise for the rest of us as moments to reflect and eventually discuss. EVENTUALLY, being the key fucking word.<br />
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As for your politics on gun control, again, fuck you. I understand you are afraid. everyone is. But do not substitute your fear and anger at something senseless with something that isn't the issue. when the smoke begins to clear on this is when we can bring up the side topics but for now the issue is the pain of the families. You only cheapen yourselves when you start in fighting over the details. Your other problem is that you forget once it is over to have the conversation." 26 people dead from gun violence? that was last week. We certainly don't have a problem with guns this week. We can so talk about this later." <br />
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The comments that brought me to the point of actually writing this are the businesses who write on facebook that their hearts and prayers go out to the victims. When Baskin Robbins, Starbucks, and many other companies write shit like that all I can think is...Fuck your hearts and prayers...send money. I just lost my toddler, I will cry about it for years and be torn apart inside and I certainly hope Baskin Robbins cares about that but don't for fucks sake put out a statement like that when you don't need to. Our president is our leader and I understand him trying to put some minds at ease. I appreciate that. No matter who the president is but I don't care if Starbucks is heartbroken. Yeah they should be, but shut your fucking face. As a business who has money and could actually perform an action, as opposed to just writing three sentences, all that says to me is your doing the same thing individuals are doing but in your case you kinda hope that people will say, "wow, Starbucks and World Market care about this...I will spend money there. <br />
<br />
Fear becomes currency. If one person decides to shop with you because you wrote that statement on facebook rather than the fact that you sell good products, You have just profited off the death of a child. Hope you can sleep at night.<br />
<br />
Which brings me to the last thought I have on this. I read a number of posts about people with kids saying that they either were currently or wishing they could hug their kids at that moment. I have no problem with that. I support it. But I want to ask one question that I don't need an answer on I just want you to think about it. Are you hugging them out of love or fear? I hope to god it is love. Because they can tell the difference. You should hug your kid everyday out of love whether tragedy strikes or not. If you hug them in fear then you're just putting your fear into them.<br />
<br />
I feel terribly about using this situation or any situation really as a source for my anger. It isn't mine to be angry about. Right now I am in a good place. I have no children but love kids and my friends and family. But I couldn't sit on the sidelines while I watched well meaning people act like idiots out of fear. Most of the country didn't face that gun, didn't watch those children die first hand and certainly aren't crying about a loved one who did. so close your mouth open your ears and listen to those that did. Send your prayers to whatever god you believe in look for solace in nature and religion and in faith that most of humanity is intact. close your mouth.trust in love that everything will be alright and hold up your brothers and sisters who can't do it for themselves because they are crippled with grief.<br />
<br />
Listen, help others, act in good faith, and do it without your opinion getting in the way.<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-1104030133975277102012-10-22T16:24:00.001-07:002012-10-22T16:24:58.632-07:00I don't know where imma gonna go...I started doing theatre when I was sixteen. I had long hair, incredibly bad teeth and I at that point had been a major outcast. For many reasons. My teeth were green from lack of care and all broken i smelled bad and I was unkempt in every way you can imagine. Theatre helped me escape. I was good at it too. Or so I thought. at 18 I got my dentures and was immediately more noticed by my high school peers. Showing me exactly how petty and shallow people really are. When I went to Pierce college I continued in theatre and saw myself on tape for the first time and I knew...I was fucking horrible. So I did what I could do to get better. I did every show I could. I cut my hair which somehow made me more noticeable to the opposite sex. showing me once again how shallow people really are. I worked with a lot of great people in the area. Then something happened.<br />
<br />
I began to get depressive and my moods would swing all over the place. It didn't help my love life and it certainly didn't help my theatre life. I broke down even more when I went through a series of love affairs that ripped my heart right out of my chest. I consigned myself to working only in shows done by a good friend of mine. It was gypsy theatre and it gave me the opportunity to do shows that never got done in this community. we lost money and we didn't care we weren't acting to make money. theatre was never about money for us. <br />
<br />
I did a production of Cripple of Inishmaan that saw an angry Gabriel getting raw eggs cracked over his face. Not a pleasant moment. the cast thought it was hilarious of course but somehow i couldn't shake my rage. I realized then that i had lost something. there was a time when I enjoyed acting simply for what it was. I did great shows mediocre shows and terrible shows but then I got my soul crushed to put it over dramatically and I became some sort of theatre snob with no real reason to be so. I had lost my love. So I quit. I didn't set foot in a theatre for 4 years. I was so angry at everything. I thought it was because I lost my love for it. but that wasn't it.<br />
<br />
I was afraid. I was afraid of being unaccepted by everyone. A fear that still haunts me to this day. I know I am loved and yet I fear at any moment the entire world will abandon me and leave me alone. Not an uncommon fear, and not uncommon for those who have it, to do what I did, and hermit themselves proactively. I even moved to the bay area as soon as the opportunity presented itself.<br />
<br />
I went to a city that wasn't my home for 2 years. The whole time I dreamed of getting back to a theatre but I was too scared. I also was not aware that my snobbery had not ended. So when I returned married and full of anger at myself for denying an entire part of myself I still never auditioned for anything. Then I got a call from an unlikely place. A director wanted me to audition for Macbeth because he had seen me in As you like it so many years ago at Lakewood Playhouse. Lakewood was the theatre i first acted in outside of high school. It was like coming home again. I was so nervous I couldn't get a grasp on any sort of character until it had gotten to being off book. I was so reclusive from everyone because yet again I was afraid that I would not be acceptable. And the list of local favorite players had changed so much. No one knew me anymore. I did a few pieces largely those I felt would exercise my abilities. And it only continued my feeling like was in this for some higher purpose. like I was superior. but I am not. I am not superior. i am a scared little boy with many issues about feeling unaccepted by the world. not an uncommon trait among actors but the problem with these feelings is that you aren't logically able to see how many others feel just like you do and it only perpetuates the self fulfilling prophecy of being alone. <br />
<br />
That I am sure was the reason most of my relationships have ended. My fear is very palpable and can hit very hard. I explode, I implode, I am massively emotionally destructive. As many people witnessed recently. There was a review.<br />
<br />
Now I don't want to hurt any one's feelings here but I am going to be honest. I am currently in a show. A show I was by no means excited to do. A show that I feel I have struggled with to get my part to its feet. I deluded myself into thinking it was going to be well within my grasp because it wasn't a show that I considered to be too good. But I was wrong. the show is good because the people in it are good. They worked hard over some really tough problems and I don't think I treated this as seriously as I could. That being said I don't think my performance is two dimensional as was reported. The character has a lot of depth and I have begun to learn about subtle details that I would never have thrown in before. details so small the audience may not notice...but I do. and that intrigues me. That I can find such insignificant moments so challenging. how does one act like coffee is hot, when the stand in liquid is ice cold. It is those moments, where I learn, that bring me joy.<br />
<br />
But I forgot that. Instead I ranted and raved about how wrong the reviewer was. I exploded about how I couldn't give a shit what he thought or what an audience thought. but that isn't the truth. I am just scared. Scared that someone will read it and say "you know he is right. Gabriel is the shittiest actor I have ever seen. He is such a drag to that show and it is his performance that is responsible for the fact that it isn't doing as well as it could have."<br />
<br />
What i have forgotten is that the show is subjective a lot of people have really enjoyed it and more will come and enjoy it or not and it has nothing to do with me. It never will. But more than that i have forgotten the joy.<br />
<br />
I do shows because I have fun doing them but I used to be so full of joy to be on the stage that nothing could have brought me down. That, my friends is going to change. this show will not change in characterization but it will be better. because I am going to find the joy in it for me. come see it.<br />
<br />
And come see my next show at Tacoma Little Theatre. Miracle on 34th street. Yeah it's cheesy and christmasy and full of fluff and sugar coated but I will find the joy in it and I will be damned if I will ever forget again. Besides this show could use a pirate like me in it.<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-62880449829609150922012-10-10T17:56:00.001-07:002012-10-10T17:56:31.578-07:00Am I the asshole here...Recently a friend of a friend has been thinking about getting into acting. He has taken a few acting workshops and read a few books about famous actors. He now believes that his plan to spend a year getting things together and then travelling to california for acting as he puts it will go off without a hitch. I spent a portion of my day explaining to him as a person who has been in theatre for 18 years and has a ton of friends and contacts who work in and around this business that his plan is flawed. He has no background, no film or theatre credits to his name, no agent, no headshot,s no education, no experience, and worst of all no clue that all of that is hard to get in a place like L.A. where you are going up against several thousand other people who have all that shit already.<br />
<br />
But now in explaining this to him I am accused of being an asshole and of being pessimistic and unsupportive.<br />
<br />
I am going to sail to Japan. In a boat I build myself. I have no background in carpentry. I have no idea how to make a seaworthy vessel. I have no background in sailing. I have however, read a few books on famous boatmakers and have been to a couple of small carpentry classes. I feel assured that with the knowledge I have I can build a boat on my own and sail across the pacific.<br />
<br />
Now do you let me live in my fantasy realm, or do you tell me "hey dumbass! you are going to fucking drown!" ?<br />
<br />
For some reason acting is the only profession that has this issue. Tons of people think they can run off to a major city and become famous actors with little to no work. You never hear people say that rather than go to school they will become a doctor by reading Grey's anatomy, watching Dr. House and then running over to their nearest hospital to try out.<br />
<br />
Guess what dickholes...acting is work. It is always being out of work and always reinventing yourself. It requires thought, planning, and a ton of self discovery. It requires some general knowledge of the industry and how it works and it requires a tremendous amount of humility. As well as iron thick skin to deal with rejection on a massive scale.<br />
<br />
But I am not allowed to say that. I suppose I should just let people fuck up on their own and learn for themselves. Which is something I have advocated my whole life. Let them learn it on their own that this was in need of more planning.<br />
<br />
But this time I am tired. I am tired of seeing people play out this same cliched bullshit.the actor with a backpack and some money travelling to hollywood to make it big. Go fuck yourself. You are nothing new and you are nothing original. You have been seen and dismissed before you even get on the plane. It is not only insulting to expect that you are different, it is insulting to the legions of performers and actors and musicians who work their asses off for next to nothing not because they want to be famous but because there is something fundamentally wrong with them. They need this life. It is what keeps them breathing, keeps them sane. And to think you got it all figured out before you have even attempted an audition, spits in the face of all that they hold sacred. Fuck you little kid. Go to school and learn something and don't come back til you do.<br />
<br />
But maybe I am wrong. What do you think? Let me know. <br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-78746422901772334882012-08-13T10:09:00.000-07:002012-08-13T10:09:41.165-07:00I'm sorryThis isn't going to be angry at all. I needed to vent at myself but it isn't working so I will share. I have just finished doing a show with some really good friends and some lovely people. Last night was the cast party. I went with the expectation of having a good time. By the end i was uncomfortable angry and full of hatred.<br />
<br />
In my past I have had issues with tolerance. their is a certain way of living that is foreign to me. I don't know how to let go. Suffice to say that I didn't start drinking until I was 23. not because I was a good boy who never did wrong...but because i had spent a few years previously watching my friends in high school get fucked up every night. They weren't doing it to piss me off. Nor had they waited to keep me around so I could watch over them. They just wanted to have a good time. Yet I couldn't. It made me uncomfortable and I was angry because I felt that they had no regard for my feelings. And whether they did or not that was the crux of my problem.<br />
<br />
I am afraid of not being accepted. So afraid that I will preemptively separate myself and hurt myself so that you can't do it. My whole life I have felt like I never really belonged anywhere. I feel like my thoughts and feelings are invalid and don't mesh well with common society. I did theatre to try and fit in but the show ends and I am left with a feeling that I will never find that space again. And those friends will never show again without the common goal.<br />
<br />
It happens still today. I have a friend who puts on concerts for bands in the local area and they really need support but I don't go. Because as I stand there I feel like a fraud. these aren't people who like me. and the ones who do are busy working and playing the show. And talking to them would be absolute death for fear that i open my mouth and make them not care about me for a reason.<br />
<br />
So I become more self centered because I feel like I need to insert myself even where it doesn't belong and I internalize everything. For instance this show had three reviews and despite the fact that i feel I put out a solid performance not one of them mentioned me and I was palpably hurt by that. The reviewers have no cause to write about me. I am a bit character who could have been written out. but I was still hurt. <br />
<br />
I have felt this way since childhood. I would spend time looking in a mirror at the age of 8 wondering why I had to be me.<br />
<br />
So a few years ago I did something about it. After feeling pushed around near the end of my marriage I decided that Gabriel wasn't gonna take any more shit. I was gonna give it. And since then I have become this character that will say exactly what he is feeling and not give a damn about what you say. He comes out in this blog and in uncomfortable situations and at parties and he says acerbic funny shit and everyone really likes him because he is alive and brilliant and fantastic.<br />
<br />
But he isn't me.<br />
<br />
I'm scared and alone in crowds and unsure of how to make it through this world and often just feel numb inside.<br />
<br />
I need help.<br />
<br />
even now as I type this I am holding back tears to be able to see the keys.<br />
<br />
so I am at a party for the cast of this latest show and people are drinking and nude hot tubbing and letting go of all the shit that bothers them and there I stand alone drinking and hating myself. When a lovely friend of mine whom I care for dearly stands at the top of two steps drunk off her ass begging me to help her down so she doesn't fall. Behind her are people running around naked showing how little they care about what people think and there in that moment I went back to watching my friends get high and drunk and they are throwing up and laughing and crying and hoping that sober Gabe will keep them from harm. And I looked at this dear friend of mine and felt nothing but disdain.<br />
<br />
I love her...but I hated her so purely in that moment.<br />
<br />
And I actually had the audacity to think that these people didn't care about me. so I got out of there. And I went home and promptly got into a fight with my girlfriend. All she wanted to do was help but I wouldn't let her. I couldn't. I was being selfish and self hating and anyone who showed compassion for me was lying. And rather than having a good time and getting to spend quality time with the woman I love. I fell asleep bitter and full of apathy.<br />
<br />
I awoke this morning crying. Feeling like I owed an explanation to people who knew nothing about what i had gone through. I know I am putting a lot out here and I am not sure why I even need to explain. There is nothing anyone can do for me. You can't make someone feel accepted. All you can do is create the environment and hope people get there on their own.<br />
<br />
I guess I just needed to admit to someone that I had a problem before I intentionally destroy every relationship I have as proof that I don't belong.<br />
<br />
I need help and I don't know what to do.<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection<br />
Gabriel<br />
<br />Gabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-57634903352338421562012-08-07T15:08:00.001-07:002012-08-07T15:08:30.071-07:00another interruption.So now food has an opinion on current events. This blog should be so simple...but it isn't. You see I want things to be simple I wanna feel like there is a right and a wrong and that I tend to fall to what's right more than what is wrong. You know what makes it difficult? You people. The idea that a chicken restaurant hates gays makes you fucking salivate doesn't it. That a coffee company may not pay enough for coffee makes your eyes wider. That cookies show pride wakes an animal in you that you can't shake.<br />
<br />
Let me dumb this down so you apes can get a clear picture. It's all marketing. It is all bullshit designed to make you buy shit or talk about shit. It is a distraction. <br />
<br />
Let me spell it out another way. Companies are not people. they don't have opinions or political stances. they have business models and bottom lines. When you hear someone bad mouth starbucks it isn't because they care about farmers or people. It's usually from a person who works at an independent coffee retailer who has a superiority complex and would rather you walk through their doors than their competitors. When people yell about chick-fil-a hating gays it sends masses of gay hating fuckwits into stores to buy cheap ass chicken. When oreos print a picture of rainbow colored cream do you think its because they really like gays or is it because they want the publicity of conservatives yelling and homos in droves buying doublestuffs to take home before they doublestuff.<br />
<br />
Really which is more likely?<br />
<br />
That a company of several thousand workers all feel the exact same way about an issue, or that they wanna sell to a demographic?<br />
<br />
The whole issue is designed to distract you. Not from some vast conspiracy, but from the fact that you could probably think more clearly without so much information. Without considering political factions I just might be able to get a goddamned convenient cup of coffee. <br />
<br />
The reason it works is because everything in this fucked world is designed to cause a reaction. everything we say and every action we take is designed at some level to spark a reaction from everyone who hears it. People get shot and the first thing people wanna talk about is gun control for or against? Elections are disgusting and more and more we hear about the discourse in Washington and the breakdown of our political system. I don't know where to turn. Corporations have opinions and are people. politics is a cesspool and people are killing each other and its all shoved down your throats on the news and we wonder why it has to be this way. Then I saw it.<br />
<br />
One man on CNN had the balls to look at his audience and say it was our fault.<br />
<br />
Our fault.<br />
<br />
YES! Yes it is our fault.<br />
<br />
Because we love it so damn much. We love the conflict and the hatred an the intolerance so much that it just oozes out of us. we may clarify it with reason and with cause but it's still hatred. You all feel it. every day. This whole demented nation was founded on a bunch of white guys who said fuck you to their mother country and then pulled out guns in support of it.<br />
<br />
I spew out bullshit because I am full of hate and anger about shit that doesn't even concern me half the time. It's truly pathetic on a level that I really am unable to deal with.We are obsessed with the distraction that we ourselves created.<br />
<br />
And yet most of us still go to work still love our families and the system doesn't collapse. Because deep down we know it is all an illusion. The control the hate the anger...it doesn't really exist. We create it to distract us from the real questions in life because at heart we are afraid we are to dumb to answer them.<br />
<br />
I hope one day I can go back to the person I was before the world and certain people in it filled me full of fear. I wasn't a crusader for anything I didn't care about much. I simply existed. Some might say my ignorance fed the ongoing machine to bring some down while lifting others up but really, name a society that doesn't do that. Even dogs have alphas and betas. Its the fear that kills us.<br />
<br />
It's fear that is killing me.<br />
<br />
Slowly, more and more every day. And the fact that you want to throw your "cause" in my face to distract me from dismantling the very thing that is killing me is so goddamned unfair it's indescribable. You want me to not eat tuna or release monkeys from labs or not buy chicken sandwiches and cookies and coffee and hate politician A as opposed to B. You want me to save the whales the rain forest the homeless the endangered and the deprived. You want me to stop forest fires littering and the destruction of the environment. you want me to cure and be aware of cancer and aids and ms and cerebral palsy. You want all of this and more and not once are we ever told to stop and take a look at our fears.<br />
<br />
I don't care anymore.<br />
<br />
I can't.<br />
<br />
Go be heroes on your own. Strive to be batman or al gore without me.<br />
<br />
I will be over here getting what little I can of my life back together and hoping that my wisdom and my work and my observances can help me and maybe a few others learn to make it in this world with a little more understanding. A little less fear.<br />
<br />
It's what we need. and we may never get there. But no one can ever say that your life was lived in vain if you spent it trying to be a better person.<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-74055624874574048212012-07-30T11:45:00.000-07:002012-07-30T11:45:40.726-07:00open minded and closed opinionedI have heard the statement all too often recently about being open minded or keeping an open mind. I have decided that those who throw this term around so loosely and spread it like jam over every argument are entirely and on the whole twat scum. They are for lack of a better term egotistical prick snot that usually has one opinion on every subject and that opinion is not subject to change.<br />
<br />
The lament to keep an open mind is really one of self centered bastardy. It is a tactic designed to call into question the credibility of your argument while at the same time hinting that you are just genetically and intellectually incapable of discerning the truth.<br />
<br />
The absolute truth is that no one is truly open minded.To be truly open minded a person would have to accept everything. No one fucking does that. Everyone takes a side. Everyone reading this is entirely biased, hateful, intolerant and such gigantic fuck mongrels that when faced with that possibility they flinch and then take there defensive stance against what I am about to say. You can't be open minded. It is impossible.<br />
<br />
I believe that Gays should be able to get married and that abortions should be legal. That is my belief. I believe in it so strongly that when faced with the opposing viewpoint I may not argue, but I silently think to myself that that person is a total fuck head. Now 90% of my friends will agree with me. About 9% will agree with one point and not the other, and 1% will think that I am completely fuck stupid and should be castrated so that this never happens again. And if the 90% figured out who the 1% was they would probably look at him and say "hey buddy, you need to be more open minded." with no regard to how that person came to the belief that they did. They will automatically assume that person is stupid and closed minded to the truth. But that argument has no basis in logic you dumb fucks. It is just filler that incites anger and makes the other side want to hurt you physically.<br />
<br />
So, what I am alluding to in this ever so short rant is that you fuckers need to get a better argument. As I continue to write this blog the ideas I will put out will not be as angry, but they will be just as controversial to the things you accept as truth. and I hope some of you who disagree with me will come up with a valid argument other than I should be more open minded.<br />
<br />
The next person who says that shit to me I will mentally label as incompetent to function in a normal conversation. You have written me and my opinion off as detestable and not worth your time and I have no use for someone not willing to open the discourse and debate about these or any other beliefs. I may think you are completely fucking stupid for disagreeing with me but I will never discount your right to that opinion and I would certainly never assume with one turn of phrase that you were less than me.<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-67377957098070827592012-02-14T10:03:00.000-08:002012-02-14T10:04:19.778-08:00VD fever! Catch it!Today is that special day. February 14th. Valentine's day.<br />
<br />
I cannot be too harsh a critic of the day...because I have a girlfriend. And for some reason this is the day for love and if you love someone, you have to care about Valentine's day. Well normally I shut my mouth on this day because the only reason guys buy the candy and flowers and have romantic evenings is because they are worried they won't get sex and it has been statistically proven that if you can't get fucked on Valentine's then you are not fit to lick the smeg off a homeless man and should be slapped and sterilized so that never happens again.<br />
<br />
But since my girlfriend forgot today was Valentine's and since I have to rehearse today and have limited time to be romantic and what not, I thought I could afford to be a little more analytical and actually look at this somehow non-entity that is Valentine's day.<br />
<br />
According to the history channel's website apparently my suspicion that it was all about some Christian dude who talked about love, and was martyred, is absolutely fucking not true.<br />
<br />
Once again organized religion shoves some vague shit wrapped in pink and red paper down our throats and we accept it on faith that an organization of suckbots who want to control our thinking would never fucking lie to our faces.<br />
<br />
Apparently the church recognizes 3 saints named Valentine or Valentinus.<br />
<br />
THREE FUCKING PEOPLE!<br />
<br />
And no one can confirm these fucker's story. One guy was said to be marrying people in secret because king Claudius thought to ban marriage because single soldiers were easier to deal with than married soldiers. So he got iced and so we celebrate that. Another story says the guy was helping Christians escape prison and while incarcerated wrote a love letter to the warden's daughter.<br />
<br />
So our christian options are trite bullshit and can't even be agreed upon and we can't even get a lock on which guy we are talking about. But the reason i love the best for this holiday is the usual religious bullshit that always seems to come up. Fucking up pagan holidays.<br />
<br />
So apparently, in ancient Rome, tomorrow would be what is known as Lupercai, The holiday to celebrate Faunus, the god of fertility.<br />
<br />
So here's how you do it. You and a bunch of other priests of Faunus go to the cave of Romulus and Remus who were said to have started Rome and grew up in the cave raised by a she-wolf.<br />
<br />
Next: slaughter one goat and skin it and cut the skin into strips.<br />
<br />
Dip the strips of skin into the goat blood.<br />
<br />
Then casually walk about town and slap single women (gently) with the bloody goat skin. Don't worry the women want it because it will make them more fertile.<br />
<br />
Then all the single ladies place there names in a jar. If you think I am making this up this is what the history channel website said.<br />
<br />
Then eligible bachelors draw names of the single women and that's the woman they get for the year. Most of these pairings ended in marriage.<br />
<br />
Now why the fuck did we get rid of that? Oh wait...because it is fucking insanity.<br />
<br />
So what I want to know is why replace it? We couldn't fucking live without that? We need a replacement holiday? Yes because we can't just give up our goat blood slapping girl raffle.<br />
<br />
OK how about this we will make up some vague shit about a guy who was really into marriage and another guy who wrote a love letter and then you guys can go buy a ton of shit with his name on it in hope's that you will get some sweet va-jay.<br />
<br />
Not as crazy, but we did see the commercial value of it. All of this so we can put some ridiculous religious shit-laden meaning behind what is the most personal fucking thing on the planet.<br />
<br />
The love I carry for people doesn't need a fucking day to celebrate it. The people I love, I love every day, no matter what.<br />
<br />
The thing that angers me the most about it is that I still do it. I show my affection by buying shit when I don't really believe in it. Most people already have a day to celebrate their love for others, it's called an anniversary, or if you don't have that it's called whenever you god damned well feel like showing your loved ones that you love them. But still we needed an international day. Still we needed to mandate shit to the people.<br />
<br />
I want you all to know that it is incredibly difficult to be angry and cynical about this subject unless you are alone and jaded. I am not alone. I love my Kate more and more every day and gladly would purchase hearts and flowers for her today. But I would do it everyday of the week if I could. I don't need some bullshit reason.<br />
<br />
I love her.<br />
<br />
Isn't that good enough.<br />
<br />
It is for her.<br />
<br />
So if you love someone shout it to the world. Don't wait for religion and government to give you a day to do so. Don't make cheap excuses. Do it every day. Maybe when we stop placing so much importance on a day then we can make the meaning last longer. Otherwise we are just gonna slide backwards.<br />
<br />
But fuck it, if we slide at least we have some really insane shut to have fun with! Let's get to some goat slapping!<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
Gabriel<br />
<br />
No goats were harmed in the writing of this blog.<br />
I think it's offensive the amount of racism organized religion has against goats.<br />
Stop the hate.Gabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-1499334318277206952011-10-06T10:43:00.000-07:002011-10-06T10:43:59.971-07:00Oh I'm sorry I didn't see you there...So these blogs are either working because I have a lot less to bitch about or things have been going very well. So it should come as no surprise that i don't update here as much as before. the last time I intended to right a thrilling piece on affirmations and how irritating they are to the general public i kinda lost myself a bit but I think I found a direction. I also wanna take a moment to respond indirectly to an issue that bothers me.<br />
<br />
The issue bothering me is for my good friend Samantha. She was recently sucker punched by someone she knew when she asked them for some feedback on an audition. Rather than get constructive criticism on her pieces she got a basic character assassination. He basically told her without going into to much detail that she reeked of desperation and that no one he knew would ever want to work with her.<br />
<br />
Now I am not usually the type to get up and arms over something so trivial and that can be easily gotten over by Samantha she is after all a strong woman who knows what she wants and goes after it which is more than I can say for most people. But because I am feeling that battery acid taste in my mouth when I think about it I have to say something. I won't name the offender but what I will say in defense of my friend is that the man who said this steaming bowl of shit is somewhat talented in his field of musical theatre but he is no more than that.<br />
<br />
I have worked with the individual in question and count that experience as the absolute worst piece of shit show I was ever duped into doing.I didn't even audition for it. i did it as a favor to a friend and it turned out to suck more ass than a felching convention. I have also worked with Samantha before and to make a long story short i knew this woman would be a powerhouse and make me look awesome when i auditioned with her. That show was also one I didn't have much interest in doing and it turned out to be one of the shows I am most proud of. so fuck this man, for thinking he had any opinion worth knowing. and shame (just a little) on Samantha for holding such a slug fucker in any regard other than someone who isn't suited to be in an audience much less direct anything.<br />
<br />
Now...<br />
<br />
On to my thoughts about the affirmation. People seem to think that if they repeat these daily life lessons that they will either come true or help realize something about themselves that is already true. In reality I have no problem with this. the girl who is fat and looks at herself in the mirror everyday and forces herself to say that she is beautiful when she really believes she isn't, she is undeserving of my ire because she is beautiful she just needs to convince herself of it. The person who strives to make the best out of every day they can and tells themselves everything will be great today, in spite of how much it isn't, they too don't deserve to be cursed at by me.<br />
<br />
I will tell you who I will curse at. And it seems to be the same type of person I always yell at...<br />
<br />
Its the ones who feel the need to tell me their words of inspiration.<br />
<br />
First off you fuckers who spread this tasteless margarine bullshit of feelgood crap because you liked the way it sounded, and god knows where it originated, most likely some fucking greeting card, can go suck on dead rotten animal uterus. Then you write it on your social media page of choice as if you were the fucking Dali lama. And its always something about telling your loved ones how you feel before your dead or living for today because tomorrow may not be here. And to that I say, you people are fucking depressing. You are so consumed with death that you feel the need to guilt me into making sure I tell everyone I know, how I feel in case I'm dead the next day. <br />
<br />
How about writing something that really helps someone. How about saying something that doesn't sound like the last fucking get well card or the thing you saw on a power point presentation at your last fucking sensitivity training. How about helping individuals with their issues instead of quoting a poster at me that had a fucking picture of a fucking kitten in a fucking wine glass that was oh so god damned cute you just had to have it on your cubicle wall to distract you from the fact that truly your life sucks and no amount of bullshit cheesy catchphrases will take the place of taking an action to changing that sad fucking fact.<br />
<br />
Maybe instead of telling yourself to live for the moment you actually fucking do it. Realize that living in the moment is all you can do because if it were possible to live at a different time then time wouldn't fucking exist. All that exists is now and if it takes you telling yourself that every morning then you should still be writing with crayons, using the safety scissors and be able to tell me the difference in taste between Elmer's and the store brand pastes.<br />
<br />
I have no respect for anything that doesn't affect change. And your words of "wisdom" mean nothing if you don't see that doing it and living it and leading by example are better ways to affect change rather than writing down something and putting it out there for people to ignore. Because its the same shit over and over again. And without originality or the proper audience you wasting your breath.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
To be honest this topic came up when a facebook friend who shall remain nameless posted one of these bland quotes to live by and I just couldn't get it out of my head at how trivial it was. it made the person, in my eyes, look stupid and everyone who clicked the word "like" seemed like a mindless zombie. But maybe I'm the asshole. Maybe I am the one needs a healthy dose of feelgood propaganda. But that's all it is...<br />
<br />
Propaganda.<br />
<br />
No quote or affirmation is going to be true for absolutely everyone. The world is to diverse for that. And I guess what bothers me is that in this world that is so beautiful in the complexity and simplicity paradox that makes up our lives, to try and boil everything down to a few simple truths is just limiting your way of thinking. You are imposing rules that are just as harmful as parents teaching their children to hate. It's insulting that anyone would think that a generalized statement works for the whole world and everyone in it.<br />
<br />
So in summation, find your own truths. live them. and don't be so fucking arrogant as to think that your lessons work for anyone but you. The simple truth is that you can't solve anything by throwing words at it. You have to know it and you have to live it as truth. regardless of what anyone thinks. <br />
<br />
The great thinkers and speakers of our times, when quoted, are inspirational but I guarantee when they said it they knew that no one would truly learn those lessons from them. They would learn it on their own, from their own experience. Not because they read it in a fucking book somewhere.<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-66763305818914995652011-06-30T18:52:00.000-07:002011-06-30T18:52:00.746-07:00The best of me...I woke up in a cold fucking sweat at 4 am this morning. A dream had awoken me and in a daze I took it for its literal meaning. the dream haunted me throughout the rest of my day. even though I knew it was a fictional occurrence, something about it wouldn't let me go.<br />
<br />
So let me give you an accurate depiction of said dream.<br />
<br />
I awoke in a two bedroom apartment that is unfamiliar to me. I am alone in my room and two things are known to me. One I am running late for work and two the love of life Kate is in the other bedroom with another man fucking, and I am supposed to be alright with this. Which of course I am not. I go to take a shower but for some reason the shower has become a storage area for miscellaneous objects. I begin to fling shit out of the shower and across the room swearing and screaming profusely. Kate and anonymous guy she is fucking stop to see what is wrong. It is then Kate tries to assure me nothing has changed while the naked douchebag tries to do the same. I am seething on the brink of homicide...<br />
<br />
when I wake up. I am in my apartment. One bedroom. Kate is lying next to me. She assures me through her sleepiness that everything is fine. I am still the only one for her and that nothing has changed...<br />
<br />
nothing has changed.<br />
<br />
All day this feeling of sick depression was eating away at me. Then as I sat at my cubicle in my job two things hit me. One I have become remarkably good at hiding my emotions to get through work, and two was a reminder of something my mother once said to me. "Gabriel, no one lives in your head but you so it stands to reason that everyone in your dream is you."<br />
<br />
I then realized that Kate had nothing to do with my feelings. I wasn't angry because some fictional version of her slept with another person. I was angry because that is what I had done more or less to my ex wife.<br />
<br />
I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheater. That isn't me. And no matter how justified I felt in my actions and no matter how happy I am that I ended up where I am today, it still eats away at me that somehow I could manage to cause so much chaos and discontent through my actions.<br />
<br />
Believe me when I say that I am not sorry about where I ended up at. I like my life right now. It's not perfect but I have everything I need. But I caused a lot of pain to certain people that I never meant to cause and for that...<br />
<br />
I am sorry.<br />
<br />
I can only promise to do better.<br />
<br />
I know that I am not angry and spouting off about some injustice or stupidity in the world...I just felt it was important that I say something. <br />
<br />
because in reality...everything has changed. Because I can be better.<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-76990288390581104242011-05-08T12:48:00.000-07:002011-05-08T12:48:12.122-07:00oh so many things...So I have been gone for awhile and have a few things to talk about. I just don't know where the fuck to begin. I have felt the icy grip of this blog wrap around me a few times and better things, inevitably, stop me from my appointed rounds. So where should I begin?<br />
<br />
I will begin with the lighter stuff.<br />
<br />
My dear friend Samantha, whom many of you know has guest blogged for me before told me a story of her knew soap company. It would seem that a potential customer wrote an email stating that they would not purchase her products but wanted to be given the knowledge of how to make them free of charge. Being the lovely woman that Sami is she told them they could get the knowledge of how to make soap from any library though she was well within her rights to tell this woman to go fuck herself with a loaded rifle. <br />
<br />
Why is it that fucking idiots inevitably crawl out of the woodwork that they were hiding in, amongst there own filth and lunacy, to attempt to get shit for free. Its fucking ridiculous. You don't send emails to coca cola asking for their secret recipe because you don't wanna buy their expensive ass soda do you? Fuck no. They should be well within their rights to send you back a package that when opened, sprays you with cat feces from a small catapult shaped like a middle finger. Which if it could've been engineered I would have sent on Sami's behalf.<br />
<br />
Now a little heavier topic.<br />
<br />
As many of you are aware I have recently been fired from my job at an in home care company that took care of adults with autism. A job I held for years and turned my intestines into black goo with how much I hated being there. I have never written about them on this forum before because I don't shit on things that keep me housed and fed. Even if they don't do it very well. But they don't anymore. I will not name names I will not say the name of the company but its time I got some shit off my chest and was done with it.<br />
<br />
Lets start at the end. I was fired because I administered a maneuver in defense of myself against an autistic adult who was slapping at me and made the move to bite me. The maneuver was deemed excessive force even though no harm came to the client and no marks were left. I have come to terms with what has happened but there are a few underlying currents that I wanna yell about. <br />
<br />
The company taught us a form of self defense which they called CPI (crisis prevention and intervention) this was a training designed for us to work with those participants who were having behaviors in a reasonable fashion and how to physically interfere with them harming themselves or others safely. Which is good...If it wasn't the absolute worst fucking piece of horse smegma training ever to be conceived by mankind. <br />
<br />
The class was given every year with mandatory attendance. It was a point of pride with the company that no one has ever gotten out of the class by demonstrating that they still knew all of the information.<br />
<br />
So we set up a fucking system where the employees are encouraged to forget what the fuck we are talking about over the course of a year. A training I remind you that is designed to FUCKING KEEP PEOPLE SAFE!<br />
<br />
Now I don't give a shit how stupid you are. If you can't figure out that the tools to keep people safe should be drilled into their heads every fucking day they go to work you shouldn't be allowed to be in charge of those people. No one who takes martial arts or shoots a firearm or protects other people professionally, practices the skills and tenants of that necessary knowledge YEARLY! You fucking illiterate douchebags! That is a daily test people should be drilled, they should be practicing, they should be taught what to do every second of every situation and they should be taught to improvise for every situation possible accounting for atmosphere, bystanders, terrain and mental acuity of the opponent as well as a whole host of other things.<br />
<br />
But no the scroteless monkeys of bureaucracy whittled down a defensive training course to 6 hours every year. using a host of reasoning tools that can't even be executed. Tell me how am I supposed to divine what is bothering my client when he is fucking non verbal? Some would say passdowns and observation is the answer to that question, but there are several times I went into work and was told everything had been hunky dory that day and then an hour later I am in an all out brawl with an angry client.<br />
<br />
And just because one maneuver works on a group of people doesn't mean its going to work every time. they teach you that if a client grabs your hair in the front you are to drop down low and push the knuckles of the offending hand into your skull to loosen the hand and then pull back when their grip is sufficiently loosened. Well what if that doesn't work? Because that only works if they have the base of the hair follicles, not the end of your hair for those with longer hair. There is no answer in there text about that.<br />
<br />
For the longest time if you were being bitten the answer to that was to reach your finger under the biters nose and rub the septum back and forth to irritate them into letting go. Who the fuck thinks of such an intricate maneuver when you're being fucking bitten! Then they changed it to feed the bite. Shove more of your extremity into there mouth in order to open their jaw. Well what if they are biting soft skin like a woman's breast or they bite just an inch of skin on my arm? No answer to that either? How about a maneuver to prevent the bite? <br />
<br />
How about that fuckers? How about you giving me the fucking tools I needed to defend myself without having to take physical damage? How about preparing your fucking people with a system that works and evolves instead of leaving me high and dry for a month and a half with no job and no prospects for social service jobs ever again in my life because I made a fucking mistake in a situation that you fucks never prepared me for?<br />
<br />
You heartless gasbags. You cuntless inhuman shitfucking assholes. And don't fucking deign to tell me you are sorry it had to go this way. That you were doing your job. That you had to be "honest". And don't you ever tell me you miss me being at that job. There were options. There were things that could have been done to prevent me from making the mistake in the first place. There were actions that could have been taken to prevent me from losing my job after the incident and there were certainly thing you could have done in order to prevent me from being denied unemployment benefits.<br />
<br />
Fuck you! I hope the next several people who get hurt or fired come to me for guidance because I would certainly tell them the best course of action would be to bring your whole simpering piece of shit organization down. Until then keep burying your heads in the sand and pretending you give a shit about your clients when all you are really concerned with is how your fucking gonna maintain your online farm during office hours while I sit here worried about how I'm gonna make it through the next billing cycle.<br />
<br />
Eat shit and die!<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
Gabriel<br />
<br />
P.S. If your answer on how to prevent the bite was to clear out of the situation or back off as it were. What if I am backed into a corner? What if there are others around that could easily be struck by the angry participant? Every answer you give to my questions only spawns more questions. And eventually your limited ass training will run out of answers and the person defending themselves will be either hurt tremendously or be fired. Thank you for playing "Your Life Isn't Worth Shit." Sponsored by a bunch of spineless office bound fuckheads.Gabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-56199722503358200642011-03-26T23:06:00.000-07:002011-03-26T23:06:21.886-07:00Feeeeeelings...<em><strong>Now before I begin let me say that this rant was inspired by true stories but it is not aimed at anyone in particular. This is my feeling in general that was only brought to light by recent events.</strong></em><br />
<br />
Question: When is it OK to blame the victim? If your feelings are hurt, when do you claim responsibility for how you feel, without blaming someone else? I have had my feelings hurt dozens of hundreds of times. Eventually there comes a time to forgive. Eventually there comes a time to be an adult, take the high road, and have a conversation. Sometimes it's immediate. Sometimes it takes a while. And in a few cases the crime is too heinous to ever be forgiven.<br />
<br />
If I insult, offend, of hurt your feelings and I am truly remorseful; if I apologize a hundred times, you have a choice...forgive me or don't. If you don't, there is nothing I can do but let you process and wait until you do. In which case those bad feelings are yours and yours alone. You can blame me for causing them but not for the continuation.<br />
<br />
If you choose to forgive me and still feel bad, once again I cannot be blamed for your feelings. And if you tell me its OK when it isn't then you are lying to me, and those feelings and the cause of them belong to you and you alone. You have created a situation that I cannot help you end. Once you have let me atone for my sin you cannot lay it upon my head again.<br />
<br />
At root peoples feelings get hurt because something insecure or unvalidated gets ruffled. You can take control of that and rise above it. I'm not saying that if you are being bullied by someone, that you are to blame. I am strictly speaking about those who are truly remorseful of their actions. There is a difference between those who abuse maliciously and intentionally; and two friends fucking with each other, and having it go too far.<br />
<br />
A wise comedian once said: "In a war there are only two ways to keep from being shot. Either disarm your opponent or build yourself a bullet-proof shield". If you try to disarm the world to keep from getting your feelings hurt you will fail. So it's better to work on your bullet-proof shield.<br />
<br />
Mind you this is all logical thinking which is unavailable when hurt feelings cloud your judgement. You will scapegoat people who may not deserve it. You will conveniently forget any possible involvement on your part to cause the argument. But regardless you must remember...<br />
<br />
No, you know what? Fuck that!<br />
<br />
Grow up!<br />
<br />
I am not gonna sit here and pretend that being overemotional is an excuse for not thinking. Shut your mouth and take responsibility. If I call you out on being the bucket of cunt sputum you are acting like and you get offended, I will apologize. But maybe you should stop acting like a bucket of cunt sputum.<br />
<br />
If I say you have a fat ass (whether you do or don't) just to razz you and you get hurt; and I apologize; and you say its OK; when it obviously isn't, then my feeling like shit is all the repayment for the insult you are ever gonna get. You have no right to perpetuate my misery to make yourself feel better. At least not more than once. After that you are just being vindictive. And I have no fucking use for you.<br />
<br />
Fuck off until you learn to grow up and deal with other people, you fucking cumrag!<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
Gabriel<br />
<br />
P.S. For those who think this post is pointed at them...In the words of Denis Leary..."Life sucks, get a fucking helmet."Gabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-11721100455798391722011-01-27T10:40:00.000-08:002011-01-27T10:40:44.403-08:00ResolvedWell new years day has come and gone and we are almost to February. So tell me, what arbitrary promise have you made to yourself and how soon did you break it? Every year their is this shadow industry that tells you you are a bad person the way you are and you must make promises to be a better person. Not only that but you should do it on the new year as a grand fucking sweeping gesture toward change. <br />
<br />
The resolution is a pervading part of the human psyche, the start of a new fucking life. We as a culture are obsessed with words like new, fresh, and improved. We all want what is better. The problem is we don't know what the fuck "better" means.<br />
<br />
Penn Jillette once said, "Arbitrary promises prove that we can make and live by our own rules without the need for a higher power. They prove that we alone control ourselves through our choices and our will." Which is great. But some whiny cocksacks make these promises then break them and and then feel guilty as if they have broken some personal eleventh commandment. As if they were a failure for breaking a promise they made to themself. The reality is that you don't have to hold yourself to any self made promise you don't want to. Notice there that I said "self made promise" if you make promises that matter to other people and break them you are still a dishonorable twat.<br />
<br />
The only real resolution we should be making is to do whatever it is we can to be happier and more fulfilled than we were the year before. Unfortunately that doesn't make the fucktarded fitness industry any money. They still want that first 3 months revenue you will spend in order to not be such a fat ass. Which you will then go and break because pizza and chocolate and fatty shit in general is fucking delicious.<br />
<br />
But even the simple concept of being happier and more fulfilled is too elaborate a promise.<br />
<br />
Hate your job? Would a new job make you happier? Then please feel free to wade into the quagmire that is today's job search. In an instant your promise to be happier is incinerated.<br />
<br />
Hate that your love life or marriage is in shambles? Do I really need to go into the reasons why changing your love life sucks? Most of dating seems to be blind luck. And divorce really is a giant roller coaster of fun isn't it? Who doesn't enjoy the abject pain of separating your belongings and finding a new places to live? Also, the eventual filing of papers and court dates are a blast of fresh ass. Divorce is a costly fuckass system that I am sure most would agree that it should be harder to get married and easier to get divorced. So once again your dream of happiness and fulfillment is a fucking nightmare.<br />
<br />
So what to do then?<br />
<br />
If you are looking for some grand arbitrary sweeping gesture or proclamation to change you forever then keep dreaming fucko! Because that isn't how it works. Resolutions are a promise. A promise you make every day and in every moment. Until it occurs without you prompting yourself to do it. Change is gradual and slow and hard work. Recognizing in each moment what needs changing and then making the change.We need to stop thinking that a promise we make at the beginning of a calendar year is all it takes to change. We need to stop being obsessed with better.<br />
<br />
As soon as we become simply aware of ourselves and others and how to treat one another and ourselves in every moment with dignity and respect and love...we will instantly achieve better. Stop living in fairy tales. Live in this world, make the effort and you will get everything you want.<br />
<br />
Don't be afraid to work and suffer and you will find that you won't have to work or suffer.<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-26599467383056779462010-12-23T18:16:00.000-08:002010-12-23T18:16:45.766-08:00Fair Weather Fuck YouToday we talk about fair weather and fake friends. In my world I call these people acquaintances and don't spend too much time with them. However my good friend Kate Holland has requested I talk about these leeches. You all know one of these people. the type who only calls hen their life sucks and they need you to give the advice they won't follow. The person who magically calls you when things are going well in your life so that they can either screw it up or get something out of it.<br />
<br />
Or even worse the fucking people who call themselves your friend and then drop you for the stupidest fucking reason possible.<br />
<br />
Its hard for me to get upset at anyone else but myself when it comes to this topic. I have lost some important people in my life due to shitty choices I made. I can never undo those choices and I can never make up for what I have done. I can only say I am sorry and what a jackass I have been. But that isn't enough to mend the bonds of friendship.<br />
<br />
However when I see others doing this type of damage to their friends and loved ones it drives me fucking insane. Do you not see where you will fucking end up? Do you not see that if you break those bonds they cannot be mended. I have sat idly by and watched good friends just fade from my life and I cannot bear the thought of letting you people go through the same thing if you can help it.<br />
<br />
Please stop. Forget your fucking feelings or your useless pride. If you have a friend that you are pushing away because of some jackass reason, please stop being such a used tampon biter swallow your pride and call them. Don't even talk about the issue. Act like a goddamned friend and see what they have been up to. Please take a chance. End your fucktarded jealousy or useless cunt numbing excuses bite the bullet and be a human fucking being for once in your miserable dick smooching life.<br />
<br />
As for the other kind of friend...the ones who don't call you unless they need something. Fuck them. They aren't friends they are useless suck hounds who aren't worth the meat they are carrying on those useless bones.<br />
<br />
I have a friend who is currently being pushed away by someone. All for the dumbest reason possible. All it is doing is hurting my friend. And I don't care about the reasons the pusher has for leaving my friend in the cold. It isn't right. I just hope that the person reads this and takes a cue from my experience.<br />
<br />
Because there was once I had a really good friend who made a mistake and offended the woman I was married too. But instead of talking to him and working things out she shut my friend out. So I did the same out of anger and because I thought it was what I was expected to do. It has been 3 years now. I am getting divorced. I thought I could hash things out with my friend once again. I was wrong. Now I can never get that back. I miss him every day. I remember all the times he had my back and I had his. And It is all gone because of 2 mistakes (1 his and 1 mine) and 3 years of silence.<br />
<br />
I have no problems with cutting someone out your life for legit reasons. I just ask that those reasons be considered heavily before you break something that can't be fixed.<br />
<br />
Merry Christmas and remember your loyalty, your love, and your friendship are the most important things in the world.<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-35369189109071815052010-12-15T08:43:00.000-08:002010-12-15T08:43:28.894-08:00The problem with flashing...in mobs.Our winner asked me very simply if I had done a rant on flash mobs. This one I can feel the heat from certain folks I know who do flash mobs. But in earlier posts I have taken no mercy on saying exactly what I feel so I cannot in good conscience do the same thing here no matter who hates me for my opinion.<br />
<br />
That being said...I fucking hate flash mobs. I have never seen one in person. I have never participated in one. The concept of them sorta angers me. I understand that the concept is fun to execute and that your intended arena gives people something to look at outside of their daily grind...OK I get that part. What I don't get is the failure on the part of these mobs to understand a basic fundamental part of theatre. Understanding your audience.<br />
<br />
Now I have seen certain groups do flash mobs that sounded fun and caused a good time for those watching. Improv Everywhere based in NYC is pretty good about doing shit that is not very disruptive. But I have seen whole mobs do dance routines in a department store. A fucking department store! Who the fuck does that? If I take the time to go out shopping I either want to enjoy the shopping process or I want to get the fuck in and get the fuck out. I don't need 300 jackoff, cum guzzling, fuck biscuits dancing to whatever half assed no talent cunt with half a voice made the fucking billboard charts for 5 minutes while I am trying to get through my fucking day.<br />
<br />
The issue is conformity. The first flash mob was designed as an experiment to make fun of social conformity. To make fun of those people who need to belong to some group. Now they have become the perfect vehicle for those who belong to make some show of force in the fucking world. Imagine everywhere huge cliques of people you hated in high school showing up and ruining your fucking day.<br />
<br />
Even worse are the flash mobs that deign to put an element of fun into your day and just violate peoples space. Such as pillow fight day. Imagine walking down the street when 5000 people just start pillow fighting all around you. Now I don't care how fun that sounds. If you aren't a part of it you have just been included in a giant puffy ambush. And lets not fucking forget the word fight is right in the title. You are unwittingly made a part of a big free for all fight. Which if just one person is in the wrong mood the whole thing can go from fluffy pillow fight, to actual fight, to big ass fucking riot.<br />
<br />
Long before this idiotic and played out trend started there were protests and groups of people that organised and even those well thought out groups and organized parties still turned to shit. peaceful protests turn to riots too. And they weren't thought out in 20 minutes.<br />
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I know that being so far afield from these may cause people to believe that I am just a jackass who pisses on the good time of others who are just trying to express themselves. And I am. Get the fuck out of my way you useless pricks! Other people who want to perform find venues and places where an audience can choose to go see you. If no one wants to go see you perform. Those are the fucking breaks. Find a new hobby.<br />
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And If you need to flash mob. Be fucking creative and non disruptive. Because if I get hit by a pillow on a walk downtown or cant to the section of the store I need because 500 people in gold pants are dancing in my way. I just might start start punching people.<br />
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With deep and aiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-29179978819190776992010-12-07T09:57:00.000-08:002010-12-07T09:57:15.205-08:00christmas vs. xmas...which side are you on.My winner of the blog contest said she was having an argument with a relative about the words Christmas and Xmas. Her relative said some variation on the quote' "if you forget the Christ in Christmas than Christ might forget you." Rather a harsh statement if you ask me. Especially coming from a christian.<br />
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Now for a moment let me focus on just the words. Christmas and Xmas, if you believe they are the same thing, are a ridiculous jackassed pairing. It would seem that in further shortening and cutesying of our language that we believe the letter x having really no sound of its own can take the place of anything. With all the fucking places x has been it must be the fucking superman of letters. You mean it can sound like a z, a k-s sound, and apparently the the entire fucking word Christ.<br />
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Let me just piss of any true believers for a second and now make the suggestion we start referring to Malcolm X as Malcolm Christ.......yeah, fuck you too.<br />
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So linguistically the swap from Christmas to Xmas doesn't work for me. But that is if you view them to be the same thing.<br />
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I however don't believe them to be the same thing.<br />
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Christmas is the celebration by Christians and their kin to mark the day of Jesus' birth. (Hang on, I will get to that in a minute you impatient fucksticks.) It is the religious holiday for those of the christian faith. These are the people who shove Jesus in your fucking face and say shit like "he's the reason for the season."<br />
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Xmas is the celebration of the same day but is for the secular crowd who don't believe in Christianity but don't wanna pass up a good party or the chance to shop. They get saddled with the burden of why Christmas has become so fucking over commercialized as well as the fact that there is a non existent "war on Christmas."<br />
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Now both of these have there crosses to bear. (No pun intended) The Christians are overbearing shit guzzlers who feel it is necessary to remind us that they are celebrating the birth of their savior. Despite the fact that most scholars can't really pin down the man's birthday. I have heard that is actually during the summer, I have heard that it is probably in early fall. For sure though we can remember one thing. And that is that religion has lied to us before. Religion will do what it wants in order to get an end result. So the Christians absconded with the winter solstice celebration in order to give the holiday a religious bent. So Jesus is powerful enough to change his fucking birthday to whenever he wants, since we don't know when it is anyway, and in the same swift stroke beat out the pagans for a holiday because evidently the Christians could throw a better party and make everyone forget about the pagan rituals just up the street on December 21st. But don't remind the Christians that a lot of their Christmas traditions still come from pagan lore. That will be our little secret. it upsets them too much and they tend to start crying.<br />
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Then the secularists come along with there big business and there tendency to shorten words to make them fit on various purchasable objects and take the Christ right out of the season. Which seemed to disappear quite easily if you ask me. I mean fuck! Give the Christians 30% off and they run screaming to the store just as fast as the non-believers. But they also gave the Christians something to bitch about. And Christians LOVE to bitch about things. They bitch that people forget why we are celebrating. They bitch that they can't scream merry Christmas at you in stores because it might offend non Christians. They bitch that people buy too much shit and don't go to fucking church enough. They bitch that it would seem secularists are doing to them exactly what they did to the fucking pagans a couple thousand years ago. <br />
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Fuck off!<br />
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Look...I like the holiday no matter what name you put it under. The decorations put up. The lights. The shopping for people you love. The charity given to others. It is all fine by me. So why ruin it with fucking semantics. Who cares what the fucking reason is. Give til it hurts and then give some more. Love others and be a decent person. After all the teachings are more important than the man himself. We should be following ideas not people. And we should not be ashamed to celebrate a holiday that at its heart is just about giving and kindness no matter what your religious beliefs.<br />
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I guarantee if you forget the Christ in Christmas Christ won't forget you. But you might get to say it to more people in public. Because if it isn't about Christ then everyone can get on board. And if everyone is on board then we can stop fighting each other and focus on what is really important.<br />
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Happy Holidays<br />
<br />
With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-34044815733189299102010-12-01T09:04:00.000-08:002010-12-01T09:04:18.618-08:00Are you fucking kidding me?A few weeks ago I had a friend in need of some help. I rushed at great risk to myself to help this person and get them what they needed. My act of self sacrifice was applauded by many around me. But why?<br />
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Why do we get such accolades for doing the right thing. Believe it or not I do the right fucking thing for people all the time. If my friends need help and I can feasibly be the one to help them then I make sure I do it. That is what a friend does. And yet the act is treated like the fucking second coming.<br />
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Now I have no problem taking credit for my good deeds and I have no trouble giving credit when they are done for me. But why do we act so fucking ecstatic when we are helped out? When we should just be fucking angry as hell at those people who do nothing. Why is inaction the normal?<br />
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We should be bending over fucking backwards as the standard action one takes to help a friend. Those who sit on their ass and help no one but themselves should be treated like fucking lepers.<br />
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To all of them who fit that profile, and you know who you are, FUCK YOU! You worthless spineless fucking gelatinous pus fuckers. Anyone so heartless as to not give a shit about those they profess to love aren't worth spitting on.<br />
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I have a love in my life and she and I have both seen friends act as if we are doing the wrong thing. You know what fuckers? Yeah there is a 13 year difference in our ages. You know what? Fuck you! We make one another happy which is what friends and loved ones are supposed to do. The age difference doesn't matter and it never has and it never will. You can think anything you want but the reality is this. No one is going to change my mind about how I feel based on an arbitrary number.So either get right with it or go the fuck away!<br />
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Look we are mostly all friends here. So I guess what I am saying is be good to one another. Your real friends should be there for you whenever you need them. And If they aren't then you should kick there ass to the curb. I should know. I have been kicked to the curb before and have learned my lesson. The curb is cold and fucking lonely. I would rather put forth some extra effort and be with friends, rather than be there again.<br />
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With deep and abiding affection,<br />
Gabriel<br />
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P.S. I am starting a little contest. Since I am running out of things that piss me off, I want yours. when this link gets posted on facebook it will come with a question about me or it will come with song lyrics be the first to guess it correctly and I will let you tell me the topic of my next hate filled venom spiked tirade. Just remember that you can only pick the subject...you have no control on where I go with it. Good luck you fuckers!Gabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-21851268727063043382010-11-24T09:32:00.000-08:002010-11-24T09:32:01.167-08:00Snow: an open message of hateI fucking hate snow. I hate it so sincerely, so purely, that it consumes my whole being.I truly cannot fathom those who think it is such a wonderful occurrence. Those who do look at it with a child like innocence that i wish I could muster. The most I can say is that it is pretty to look at.<br />
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When I was just a 5 year old boy we moved from Phoenix, AZ to Denver, CO. Until that time the most severe weather I had encountered was 100 degree weather and the occasional lightning storm (to this day I still think lightning and thunder is sexy but that is another story). We moved in the summertime. so the transition from Phoenix to Denver was incredibly smooth. Denver is a lot cooler in summer and it never dawned on me what I was in for when September and October rolled around. The shock to my system was tremendous.<br />
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What the fuck was this cold shit?! It falls from the sky makes it cold and wet and turns everyone into a raving fucking lunatic. Now I was 5 years old for fucks sake and all I could think was that the world had played some sort of cruel joke on me. I remembered snow from the television when we lived in Arizona. It always looked like fun and people were always happy to be in it.<br />
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I then learned people were happy to be in it because they were mentally ill. <br />
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Not only that but it turns normal asshole children into fucking psycho nutjobs. As a nerdy misfit child who didn't have much in the way of popularity and no prior experience with the phenomenon of falling frozen droplets. I was the victim of some of the worst child crime ever. Its as if god hates you and is now sending your oppressors a weapon that only they know how to use. Oh sure you can fucking make the snowballs and try to defend yourself but just try and you will soon find out you should've just run because now while you try to put shit together for a return volley that will inevitably miss. you are being pelted by snowballs at a rate that you were certain only a machine could muster. And these cock bags just don't quit.<br />
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When asked once why I hated snow my answer was greeted by the idea that i needed to look at it from the fucking perspective of the positive. The only people who reap any positives of snow are kids and I wasn't very good at being a kid. Adults get all the shittier parts of snow. They don't get to wait anxiously to see if work is going to close up today. and if you are throwing snowballs at thirty...you are a douchebag. It isn't funny anymore you are just a fuckhead that likes to hit people with shit. Adults have to wade through the frozen tundra to go to work. they have to drive and slip on black ice, they have to deal with electrical outages. And they are expected to do it with aplomb. But adults are shitty human beings and they are stupid and inconsiderate. This is what leads to accidents and people stuck in traffic for hours and destruction of property. And that is all without snow.<br />
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Throw in the massive unpredictability of ice and cold and your normal idiot turns into someone slightly more intelligent than a brick. they always think they can do shit that they can't and chaos ensues.<br />
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So when snow starts falling I get cold I get cranky and I get pissed off. I am reminded of fear and pain from childhood. I am reminded of stupidity and destruction in my adult life.<br />
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But maybe I am sentimental or maybe I am just hoping that I can have that same childlike wonder that others get when the snow falls. But somewhere in my brain a little flower is blooming in the cold. and forces are at work to change my mind. They may never get there...but I appreciate the effort.<br />
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With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-86509707539927041562010-11-18T10:20:00.000-08:002010-11-18T10:20:28.332-08:00Abuse by numbersAbout a month ago the guardian of one of my clients at work directed my attention to a study performed by the GAO on the rampant abuse of power of DD and elderly clients by their court appointed guardians.<br />
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The study was supposed to give an accurate portrayal of just how bad the abuse of power was. Now normally a study like this focuses on the amount of people who abuse power and those that don't coming to a general average and coming up with a result.<br />
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However what did the GAO do? They fucked the general model in the ass. They didn't come up with a fucking average. Instead they took 20 cases where abuse occurred and showed their findings as an amount of money that had been swindled and a looming crisis of guardians being appointed without background checks. Without ever mentioning in the study that there are in fact guardians who don't abuse their clients.<br />
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So now there is a big media storm about another way our government fucks us. All because Some piss poor researchers decided it was better to wear their own ass as a fucking hat rather than do some actual work.<br />
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It got me thinking about studies and polls in general. We all quote scientific studies we have heard about to prove numbers and what not so we can win some piss poor debate with a friend. I certainly have. But for every fuckass study that proves one theory, there is another one that proves the opposite. How are we expected to know which one is right and which ones are proved under more dubious circumstances?<br />
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We aren't. We are supposed to swallow these answers and spew them out to people as truth so we can sound smarter than we are. Then we feel the smug satisfaction of some victory that isn't real.<br />
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Poll numbers are the exact same to me. every time I see a poll all I can think is that I don't fucking care. I have my own opinion. Why do I give a shit what the chickendicked cornholers who watch CNN or Fox news think about an election? Am I supposed to care simply because it is a mass of mindless cuntfungus who have nothing better to do but to call Wolf Blitzer or Sean Hannity and give there useless opinion that others may not agree with, much less care about?<br />
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All I am truly saying is that we need to be smarter than this. Polls are generated numbers that mean exactly fuck all to the reality of life. And studies don't show anything. It is all useless knowledge that we probably paid for. A few years later another study will show that the study before didn't know what it was talking about.<br />
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People...stop looking for answers to be simple. With almost 400 million people in the United States, no answer is going to be simple or all encompassing. And anyone who tells you different is lying to you and just wants to prove to you another bullshit study. <br />
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The GAO study showed that in 20 cases where abuse had been proven 5.4 million dollars had been stolen from 158 victims. These numbers are terrible and mean nothing if you take into account that there are approximately 4.3 million developmentally disabled clients and exponentially more elderly clients. these numbers are meant to confuse and create anger and possible action on the part of the public. but going off half cocked like that is going to create a huge mess. Especially for guardians who treat their clients with respect.<br />
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Well done people. Once again we prove my theory that even the smartest people who have power and money to fund such things are incredibly fucking stupid at times.<br />
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With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-6296823580869960082010-11-11T09:15:00.000-08:002010-11-11T09:15:25.093-08:00I am positive.So a huge revelation occurred a few days ago. It began with a phone call from a friend to go apply for a job. Which I did. It continued with an interview that went very well and I am currently waiting for the results on. What is the subject I am talking about today? Support. Something that recently I came into with great abundance.<br />
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Now I have always been supported by my family and that in itself some consider a fucking miracle. A lot of people don't have that. But since i am used to it I have kind of taken it for granted. Which is wrong. My parents have supported me so much that I owe them about 6 lives now. My brother is pretty much the same story.<br />
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What I realized that I had now but didn't before were people who supported without judgement.<br />
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No offense to my oldest friends who support me in all my endeavors but in their need to care it comes with the question..."Are you sure this is the right thing to do Gabriel?" I know they love me and I know that they are watching out. But I am 32 years old and have been around a little bit. I am not a total fucking moron. I love you guys too. Just tone it down.<br />
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What I have seen in the past few days has blown my fucking mind. When the job opportunity came around, from a woman who is trying very hard to get me different employment, I have friends old and new telling me that it is fantastic that I am going out for this job. There were no added phrases like, "well if you had been really looking you would have found a different job already." There was no apathy to my situation. No snide remarks no questioning of my choice. Nothing but pure love from people I have only known a short time.<br />
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This post was intended to be an angry diatribe about how I felt cheated that this didn't exist before. But with a little help from the watcher in the thicket, and one of the most insightful and beautiful women I have ever known, my rantings and ravings have shifted to celebration.<br />
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It doesn't matter why it wasn't there before. What matters is that it's here now and it is not going anywhere.<br />
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To all of you who have supported me in the past and the present...Mom, Dad, Christopher, Penny, Hayley, Athene, Patty and Philip DoAne, Calvin, Sean Raybell, Josh, Ron, Sam, Bill, Jessann, Steve and Erin, Stephen Borsuk, Kate Holland, and now Sami and the Bruce, Maria, Bob and Carla, Hally, Marcus Walker, Scott Campbell, Brie, Kat Inserra, my zombie zebra Kayti, Anna Baskett, to anyone else who reads this blog fervently without my knowledge, But mostly to Kate L. (While all these people are shining stars in my life...you dearest are the sun.) I love and cherish all of you. You keep me going through life without even trying. Just by being in my life I am a better person.<br />
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With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8304507447441167641.post-25403231727915991162010-11-03T10:16:00.000-07:002010-11-03T10:16:49.888-07:00post election bluesLet me begin by saying that I voted. Are you all fucking happy? No? Did your candidate of choice lose his/her ass. Did The measure you really want to pass/fail not do so? Tough shit.<br />
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Politics has a lot of things to be incensed about and no matter what enrages you, there will always be someone who is made almost gleeful by the notion that upset you. What I cannot abide by is the fact that such piddly fucking bullshit is the object of our political arena.<br />
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I live in Washington State. In this state we had several measures to vote for and only a few of them were amending our political process. Yet there were also a few that dealt with the taxation of candy and the fact that the government owns the alcohol trade in Washington.<br />
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I actually spent time considering whether to vote to repeal candy taxes or make alcohol a private industry.<br />
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FUCK!!!!!!<br />
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You fucking assmongers are wasting my time. If this is the caliber of shit you are going to bring me then fuck off. I don't care what you fuckers think about these issues. Let's get one thing straight. If you go to the store and the candy bar costs 75 cents and then the next day it cost 85 cents. The extra dime isn't going to stop you from buying it. Yet you would think we were signing petitions and voting in elections to fucking free slaves in this state.<br />
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So the government owns the liquor industry. Can I still buy booze? Yes? Then I don't care who sells it.<br />
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Now mind you I am not telling you how I voted on these issues. I merely am stating that people out there call others bad Americans when they don't vote. That you cannot bitch if you didn't participate. I am sure I have said it myself. But is it any wonder that people grow complacent in the face of measures like these? I am sure whatever state you live in had some like it too. <br />
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It defies logic to be just as rabid about petty stuff when we have real problems. Did the mid term elections change any of those problems? No they didn't. They won't change anything. Because fundamentally we don't agree on anything. People are dying in foreign soil. People are dying here at home. The world is fucked. It always has been. If you think some fuckass politician with his American flag pin and his briefcase full of agendas and intentions will ever change anything you are wrong.<br />
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You affect change in your life. Take back your fucking power and stop giving it to god, to politicians, to other people. You are the instrument of change in your life. Only you limit yourself to the bullshit future you have made. You can change that.<br />
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I am just so sick of petty bickering by people who are supposed to be adults. Grow up you fucking jelly assed dick snoggers. The politicians the corporations the media and everyone else on the planet aren't responsible for us. We need to affect our own change. We need to have our own hope. We need to stimulate our own jobs, our own economy, our own peace. Because we cannot wait for democrats and republicans to stop playing around with heads up their asses like they are gods gift to the political system and actually give a shit about us.<br />
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Do it yourself.<br />
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With deep and abiding affection,<br />
GabrielGabrielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08199650282136200209noreply@blogger.com0