Recently a friend of a friend has been thinking about getting into acting. He has taken a few acting workshops and read a few books about famous actors. He now believes that his plan to spend a year getting things together and then travelling to california for acting as he puts it will go off without a hitch. I spent a portion of my day explaining to him as a person who has been in theatre for 18 years and has a ton of friends and contacts who work in and around this business that his plan is flawed. He has no background, no film or theatre credits to his name, no agent, no headshot,s no education, no experience, and worst of all no clue that all of that is hard to get in a place like L.A. where you are going up against several thousand other people who have all that shit already.
But now in explaining this to him I am accused of being an asshole and of being pessimistic and unsupportive.
I am going to sail to Japan. In a boat I build myself. I have no background in carpentry. I have no idea how to make a seaworthy vessel. I have no background in sailing. I have however, read a few books on famous boatmakers and have been to a couple of small carpentry classes. I feel assured that with the knowledge I have I can build a boat on my own and sail across the pacific.
Now do you let me live in my fantasy realm, or do you tell me "hey dumbass! you are going to fucking drown!" ?
For some reason acting is the only profession that has this issue. Tons of people think they can run off to a major city and become famous actors with little to no work. You never hear people say that rather than go to school they will become a doctor by reading Grey's anatomy, watching Dr. House and then running over to their nearest hospital to try out.
Guess what dickholes...acting is work. It is always being out of work and always reinventing yourself. It requires thought, planning, and a ton of self discovery. It requires some general knowledge of the industry and how it works and it requires a tremendous amount of humility. As well as iron thick skin to deal with rejection on a massive scale.
But I am not allowed to say that. I suppose I should just let people fuck up on their own and learn for themselves. Which is something I have advocated my whole life. Let them learn it on their own that this was in need of more planning.
But this time I am tired. I am tired of seeing people play out this same cliched bullshit.the actor with a backpack and some money travelling to hollywood to make it big. Go fuck yourself. You are nothing new and you are nothing original. You have been seen and dismissed before you even get on the plane. It is not only insulting to expect that you are different, it is insulting to the legions of performers and actors and musicians who work their asses off for next to nothing not because they want to be famous but because there is something fundamentally wrong with them. They need this life. It is what keeps them breathing, keeps them sane. And to think you got it all figured out before you have even attempted an audition, spits in the face of all that they hold sacred. Fuck you little kid. Go to school and learn something and don't come back til you do.
But maybe I am wrong. What do you think? Let me know.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
I'm sorry
This isn't going to be angry at all. I needed to vent at myself but it isn't working so I will share. I have just finished doing a show with some really good friends and some lovely people. Last night was the cast party. I went with the expectation of having a good time. By the end i was uncomfortable angry and full of hatred.
In my past I have had issues with tolerance. their is a certain way of living that is foreign to me. I don't know how to let go. Suffice to say that I didn't start drinking until I was 23. not because I was a good boy who never did wrong...but because i had spent a few years previously watching my friends in high school get fucked up every night. They weren't doing it to piss me off. Nor had they waited to keep me around so I could watch over them. They just wanted to have a good time. Yet I couldn't. It made me uncomfortable and I was angry because I felt that they had no regard for my feelings. And whether they did or not that was the crux of my problem.
I am afraid of not being accepted. So afraid that I will preemptively separate myself and hurt myself so that you can't do it. My whole life I have felt like I never really belonged anywhere. I feel like my thoughts and feelings are invalid and don't mesh well with common society. I did theatre to try and fit in but the show ends and I am left with a feeling that I will never find that space again. And those friends will never show again without the common goal.
It happens still today. I have a friend who puts on concerts for bands in the local area and they really need support but I don't go. Because as I stand there I feel like a fraud. these aren't people who like me. and the ones who do are busy working and playing the show. And talking to them would be absolute death for fear that i open my mouth and make them not care about me for a reason.
So I become more self centered because I feel like I need to insert myself even where it doesn't belong and I internalize everything. For instance this show had three reviews and despite the fact that i feel I put out a solid performance not one of them mentioned me and I was palpably hurt by that. The reviewers have no cause to write about me. I am a bit character who could have been written out. but I was still hurt.
I have felt this way since childhood. I would spend time looking in a mirror at the age of 8 wondering why I had to be me.
So a few years ago I did something about it. After feeling pushed around near the end of my marriage I decided that Gabriel wasn't gonna take any more shit. I was gonna give it. And since then I have become this character that will say exactly what he is feeling and not give a damn about what you say. He comes out in this blog and in uncomfortable situations and at parties and he says acerbic funny shit and everyone really likes him because he is alive and brilliant and fantastic.
But he isn't me.
I'm scared and alone in crowds and unsure of how to make it through this world and often just feel numb inside.
I need help.
even now as I type this I am holding back tears to be able to see the keys.
so I am at a party for the cast of this latest show and people are drinking and nude hot tubbing and letting go of all the shit that bothers them and there I stand alone drinking and hating myself. When a lovely friend of mine whom I care for dearly stands at the top of two steps drunk off her ass begging me to help her down so she doesn't fall. Behind her are people running around naked showing how little they care about what people think and there in that moment I went back to watching my friends get high and drunk and they are throwing up and laughing and crying and hoping that sober Gabe will keep them from harm. And I looked at this dear friend of mine and felt nothing but disdain.
I love her...but I hated her so purely in that moment.
And I actually had the audacity to think that these people didn't care about me. so I got out of there. And I went home and promptly got into a fight with my girlfriend. All she wanted to do was help but I wouldn't let her. I couldn't. I was being selfish and self hating and anyone who showed compassion for me was lying. And rather than having a good time and getting to spend quality time with the woman I love. I fell asleep bitter and full of apathy.
I awoke this morning crying. Feeling like I owed an explanation to people who knew nothing about what i had gone through. I know I am putting a lot out here and I am not sure why I even need to explain. There is nothing anyone can do for me. You can't make someone feel accepted. All you can do is create the environment and hope people get there on their own.
I guess I just needed to admit to someone that I had a problem before I intentionally destroy every relationship I have as proof that I don't belong.
I need help and I don't know what to do.
With deep and abiding affection
Gabriel
In my past I have had issues with tolerance. their is a certain way of living that is foreign to me. I don't know how to let go. Suffice to say that I didn't start drinking until I was 23. not because I was a good boy who never did wrong...but because i had spent a few years previously watching my friends in high school get fucked up every night. They weren't doing it to piss me off. Nor had they waited to keep me around so I could watch over them. They just wanted to have a good time. Yet I couldn't. It made me uncomfortable and I was angry because I felt that they had no regard for my feelings. And whether they did or not that was the crux of my problem.
I am afraid of not being accepted. So afraid that I will preemptively separate myself and hurt myself so that you can't do it. My whole life I have felt like I never really belonged anywhere. I feel like my thoughts and feelings are invalid and don't mesh well with common society. I did theatre to try and fit in but the show ends and I am left with a feeling that I will never find that space again. And those friends will never show again without the common goal.
It happens still today. I have a friend who puts on concerts for bands in the local area and they really need support but I don't go. Because as I stand there I feel like a fraud. these aren't people who like me. and the ones who do are busy working and playing the show. And talking to them would be absolute death for fear that i open my mouth and make them not care about me for a reason.
So I become more self centered because I feel like I need to insert myself even where it doesn't belong and I internalize everything. For instance this show had three reviews and despite the fact that i feel I put out a solid performance not one of them mentioned me and I was palpably hurt by that. The reviewers have no cause to write about me. I am a bit character who could have been written out. but I was still hurt.
I have felt this way since childhood. I would spend time looking in a mirror at the age of 8 wondering why I had to be me.
So a few years ago I did something about it. After feeling pushed around near the end of my marriage I decided that Gabriel wasn't gonna take any more shit. I was gonna give it. And since then I have become this character that will say exactly what he is feeling and not give a damn about what you say. He comes out in this blog and in uncomfortable situations and at parties and he says acerbic funny shit and everyone really likes him because he is alive and brilliant and fantastic.
But he isn't me.
I'm scared and alone in crowds and unsure of how to make it through this world and often just feel numb inside.
I need help.
even now as I type this I am holding back tears to be able to see the keys.
so I am at a party for the cast of this latest show and people are drinking and nude hot tubbing and letting go of all the shit that bothers them and there I stand alone drinking and hating myself. When a lovely friend of mine whom I care for dearly stands at the top of two steps drunk off her ass begging me to help her down so she doesn't fall. Behind her are people running around naked showing how little they care about what people think and there in that moment I went back to watching my friends get high and drunk and they are throwing up and laughing and crying and hoping that sober Gabe will keep them from harm. And I looked at this dear friend of mine and felt nothing but disdain.
I love her...but I hated her so purely in that moment.
And I actually had the audacity to think that these people didn't care about me. so I got out of there. And I went home and promptly got into a fight with my girlfriend. All she wanted to do was help but I wouldn't let her. I couldn't. I was being selfish and self hating and anyone who showed compassion for me was lying. And rather than having a good time and getting to spend quality time with the woman I love. I fell asleep bitter and full of apathy.
I awoke this morning crying. Feeling like I owed an explanation to people who knew nothing about what i had gone through. I know I am putting a lot out here and I am not sure why I even need to explain. There is nothing anyone can do for me. You can't make someone feel accepted. All you can do is create the environment and hope people get there on their own.
I guess I just needed to admit to someone that I had a problem before I intentionally destroy every relationship I have as proof that I don't belong.
I need help and I don't know what to do.
With deep and abiding affection
Gabriel
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
another interruption.
So now food has an opinion on current events. This blog should be so simple...but it isn't. You see I want things to be simple I wanna feel like there is a right and a wrong and that I tend to fall to what's right more than what is wrong. You know what makes it difficult? You people. The idea that a chicken restaurant hates gays makes you fucking salivate doesn't it. That a coffee company may not pay enough for coffee makes your eyes wider. That cookies show pride wakes an animal in you that you can't shake.
Let me dumb this down so you apes can get a clear picture. It's all marketing. It is all bullshit designed to make you buy shit or talk about shit. It is a distraction.
Let me spell it out another way. Companies are not people. they don't have opinions or political stances. they have business models and bottom lines. When you hear someone bad mouth starbucks it isn't because they care about farmers or people. It's usually from a person who works at an independent coffee retailer who has a superiority complex and would rather you walk through their doors than their competitors. When people yell about chick-fil-a hating gays it sends masses of gay hating fuckwits into stores to buy cheap ass chicken. When oreos print a picture of rainbow colored cream do you think its because they really like gays or is it because they want the publicity of conservatives yelling and homos in droves buying doublestuffs to take home before they doublestuff.
Really which is more likely?
That a company of several thousand workers all feel the exact same way about an issue, or that they wanna sell to a demographic?
The whole issue is designed to distract you. Not from some vast conspiracy, but from the fact that you could probably think more clearly without so much information. Without considering political factions I just might be able to get a goddamned convenient cup of coffee.
The reason it works is because everything in this fucked world is designed to cause a reaction. everything we say and every action we take is designed at some level to spark a reaction from everyone who hears it. People get shot and the first thing people wanna talk about is gun control for or against? Elections are disgusting and more and more we hear about the discourse in Washington and the breakdown of our political system. I don't know where to turn. Corporations have opinions and are people. politics is a cesspool and people are killing each other and its all shoved down your throats on the news and we wonder why it has to be this way. Then I saw it.
One man on CNN had the balls to look at his audience and say it was our fault.
Our fault.
YES! Yes it is our fault.
Because we love it so damn much. We love the conflict and the hatred an the intolerance so much that it just oozes out of us. we may clarify it with reason and with cause but it's still hatred. You all feel it. every day. This whole demented nation was founded on a bunch of white guys who said fuck you to their mother country and then pulled out guns in support of it.
I spew out bullshit because I am full of hate and anger about shit that doesn't even concern me half the time. It's truly pathetic on a level that I really am unable to deal with.We are obsessed with the distraction that we ourselves created.
And yet most of us still go to work still love our families and the system doesn't collapse. Because deep down we know it is all an illusion. The control the hate the anger...it doesn't really exist. We create it to distract us from the real questions in life because at heart we are afraid we are to dumb to answer them.
I hope one day I can go back to the person I was before the world and certain people in it filled me full of fear. I wasn't a crusader for anything I didn't care about much. I simply existed. Some might say my ignorance fed the ongoing machine to bring some down while lifting others up but really, name a society that doesn't do that. Even dogs have alphas and betas. Its the fear that kills us.
It's fear that is killing me.
Slowly, more and more every day. And the fact that you want to throw your "cause" in my face to distract me from dismantling the very thing that is killing me is so goddamned unfair it's indescribable. You want me to not eat tuna or release monkeys from labs or not buy chicken sandwiches and cookies and coffee and hate politician A as opposed to B. You want me to save the whales the rain forest the homeless the endangered and the deprived. You want me to stop forest fires littering and the destruction of the environment. you want me to cure and be aware of cancer and aids and ms and cerebral palsy. You want all of this and more and not once are we ever told to stop and take a look at our fears.
I don't care anymore.
I can't.
Go be heroes on your own. Strive to be batman or al gore without me.
I will be over here getting what little I can of my life back together and hoping that my wisdom and my work and my observances can help me and maybe a few others learn to make it in this world with a little more understanding. A little less fear.
It's what we need. and we may never get there. But no one can ever say that your life was lived in vain if you spent it trying to be a better person.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Let me dumb this down so you apes can get a clear picture. It's all marketing. It is all bullshit designed to make you buy shit or talk about shit. It is a distraction.
Let me spell it out another way. Companies are not people. they don't have opinions or political stances. they have business models and bottom lines. When you hear someone bad mouth starbucks it isn't because they care about farmers or people. It's usually from a person who works at an independent coffee retailer who has a superiority complex and would rather you walk through their doors than their competitors. When people yell about chick-fil-a hating gays it sends masses of gay hating fuckwits into stores to buy cheap ass chicken. When oreos print a picture of rainbow colored cream do you think its because they really like gays or is it because they want the publicity of conservatives yelling and homos in droves buying doublestuffs to take home before they doublestuff.
Really which is more likely?
That a company of several thousand workers all feel the exact same way about an issue, or that they wanna sell to a demographic?
The whole issue is designed to distract you. Not from some vast conspiracy, but from the fact that you could probably think more clearly without so much information. Without considering political factions I just might be able to get a goddamned convenient cup of coffee.
The reason it works is because everything in this fucked world is designed to cause a reaction. everything we say and every action we take is designed at some level to spark a reaction from everyone who hears it. People get shot and the first thing people wanna talk about is gun control for or against? Elections are disgusting and more and more we hear about the discourse in Washington and the breakdown of our political system. I don't know where to turn. Corporations have opinions and are people. politics is a cesspool and people are killing each other and its all shoved down your throats on the news and we wonder why it has to be this way. Then I saw it.
One man on CNN had the balls to look at his audience and say it was our fault.
Our fault.
YES! Yes it is our fault.
Because we love it so damn much. We love the conflict and the hatred an the intolerance so much that it just oozes out of us. we may clarify it with reason and with cause but it's still hatred. You all feel it. every day. This whole demented nation was founded on a bunch of white guys who said fuck you to their mother country and then pulled out guns in support of it.
I spew out bullshit because I am full of hate and anger about shit that doesn't even concern me half the time. It's truly pathetic on a level that I really am unable to deal with.We are obsessed with the distraction that we ourselves created.
And yet most of us still go to work still love our families and the system doesn't collapse. Because deep down we know it is all an illusion. The control the hate the anger...it doesn't really exist. We create it to distract us from the real questions in life because at heart we are afraid we are to dumb to answer them.
I hope one day I can go back to the person I was before the world and certain people in it filled me full of fear. I wasn't a crusader for anything I didn't care about much. I simply existed. Some might say my ignorance fed the ongoing machine to bring some down while lifting others up but really, name a society that doesn't do that. Even dogs have alphas and betas. Its the fear that kills us.
It's fear that is killing me.
Slowly, more and more every day. And the fact that you want to throw your "cause" in my face to distract me from dismantling the very thing that is killing me is so goddamned unfair it's indescribable. You want me to not eat tuna or release monkeys from labs or not buy chicken sandwiches and cookies and coffee and hate politician A as opposed to B. You want me to save the whales the rain forest the homeless the endangered and the deprived. You want me to stop forest fires littering and the destruction of the environment. you want me to cure and be aware of cancer and aids and ms and cerebral palsy. You want all of this and more and not once are we ever told to stop and take a look at our fears.
I don't care anymore.
I can't.
Go be heroes on your own. Strive to be batman or al gore without me.
I will be over here getting what little I can of my life back together and hoping that my wisdom and my work and my observances can help me and maybe a few others learn to make it in this world with a little more understanding. A little less fear.
It's what we need. and we may never get there. But no one can ever say that your life was lived in vain if you spent it trying to be a better person.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Monday, July 30, 2012
open minded and closed opinioned
I have heard the statement all too often recently about being open minded or keeping an open mind. I have decided that those who throw this term around so loosely and spread it like jam over every argument are entirely and on the whole twat scum. They are for lack of a better term egotistical prick snot that usually has one opinion on every subject and that opinion is not subject to change.
The lament to keep an open mind is really one of self centered bastardy. It is a tactic designed to call into question the credibility of your argument while at the same time hinting that you are just genetically and intellectually incapable of discerning the truth.
The absolute truth is that no one is truly open minded.To be truly open minded a person would have to accept everything. No one fucking does that. Everyone takes a side. Everyone reading this is entirely biased, hateful, intolerant and such gigantic fuck mongrels that when faced with that possibility they flinch and then take there defensive stance against what I am about to say. You can't be open minded. It is impossible.
I believe that Gays should be able to get married and that abortions should be legal. That is my belief. I believe in it so strongly that when faced with the opposing viewpoint I may not argue, but I silently think to myself that that person is a total fuck head. Now 90% of my friends will agree with me. About 9% will agree with one point and not the other, and 1% will think that I am completely fuck stupid and should be castrated so that this never happens again. And if the 90% figured out who the 1% was they would probably look at him and say "hey buddy, you need to be more open minded." with no regard to how that person came to the belief that they did. They will automatically assume that person is stupid and closed minded to the truth. But that argument has no basis in logic you dumb fucks. It is just filler that incites anger and makes the other side want to hurt you physically.
So, what I am alluding to in this ever so short rant is that you fuckers need to get a better argument. As I continue to write this blog the ideas I will put out will not be as angry, but they will be just as controversial to the things you accept as truth. and I hope some of you who disagree with me will come up with a valid argument other than I should be more open minded.
The next person who says that shit to me I will mentally label as incompetent to function in a normal conversation. You have written me and my opinion off as detestable and not worth your time and I have no use for someone not willing to open the discourse and debate about these or any other beliefs. I may think you are completely fucking stupid for disagreeing with me but I will never discount your right to that opinion and I would certainly never assume with one turn of phrase that you were less than me.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
The lament to keep an open mind is really one of self centered bastardy. It is a tactic designed to call into question the credibility of your argument while at the same time hinting that you are just genetically and intellectually incapable of discerning the truth.
The absolute truth is that no one is truly open minded.To be truly open minded a person would have to accept everything. No one fucking does that. Everyone takes a side. Everyone reading this is entirely biased, hateful, intolerant and such gigantic fuck mongrels that when faced with that possibility they flinch and then take there defensive stance against what I am about to say. You can't be open minded. It is impossible.
I believe that Gays should be able to get married and that abortions should be legal. That is my belief. I believe in it so strongly that when faced with the opposing viewpoint I may not argue, but I silently think to myself that that person is a total fuck head. Now 90% of my friends will agree with me. About 9% will agree with one point and not the other, and 1% will think that I am completely fuck stupid and should be castrated so that this never happens again. And if the 90% figured out who the 1% was they would probably look at him and say "hey buddy, you need to be more open minded." with no regard to how that person came to the belief that they did. They will automatically assume that person is stupid and closed minded to the truth. But that argument has no basis in logic you dumb fucks. It is just filler that incites anger and makes the other side want to hurt you physically.
So, what I am alluding to in this ever so short rant is that you fuckers need to get a better argument. As I continue to write this blog the ideas I will put out will not be as angry, but they will be just as controversial to the things you accept as truth. and I hope some of you who disagree with me will come up with a valid argument other than I should be more open minded.
The next person who says that shit to me I will mentally label as incompetent to function in a normal conversation. You have written me and my opinion off as detestable and not worth your time and I have no use for someone not willing to open the discourse and debate about these or any other beliefs. I may think you are completely fucking stupid for disagreeing with me but I will never discount your right to that opinion and I would certainly never assume with one turn of phrase that you were less than me.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
VD fever! Catch it!
Today is that special day. February 14th. Valentine's day.
I cannot be too harsh a critic of the day...because I have a girlfriend. And for some reason this is the day for love and if you love someone, you have to care about Valentine's day. Well normally I shut my mouth on this day because the only reason guys buy the candy and flowers and have romantic evenings is because they are worried they won't get sex and it has been statistically proven that if you can't get fucked on Valentine's then you are not fit to lick the smeg off a homeless man and should be slapped and sterilized so that never happens again.
But since my girlfriend forgot today was Valentine's and since I have to rehearse today and have limited time to be romantic and what not, I thought I could afford to be a little more analytical and actually look at this somehow non-entity that is Valentine's day.
According to the history channel's website apparently my suspicion that it was all about some Christian dude who talked about love, and was martyred, is absolutely fucking not true.
Once again organized religion shoves some vague shit wrapped in pink and red paper down our throats and we accept it on faith that an organization of suckbots who want to control our thinking would never fucking lie to our faces.
Apparently the church recognizes 3 saints named Valentine or Valentinus.
THREE FUCKING PEOPLE!
And no one can confirm these fucker's story. One guy was said to be marrying people in secret because king Claudius thought to ban marriage because single soldiers were easier to deal with than married soldiers. So he got iced and so we celebrate that. Another story says the guy was helping Christians escape prison and while incarcerated wrote a love letter to the warden's daughter.
So our christian options are trite bullshit and can't even be agreed upon and we can't even get a lock on which guy we are talking about. But the reason i love the best for this holiday is the usual religious bullshit that always seems to come up. Fucking up pagan holidays.
So apparently, in ancient Rome, tomorrow would be what is known as Lupercai, The holiday to celebrate Faunus, the god of fertility.
So here's how you do it. You and a bunch of other priests of Faunus go to the cave of Romulus and Remus who were said to have started Rome and grew up in the cave raised by a she-wolf.
Next: slaughter one goat and skin it and cut the skin into strips.
Dip the strips of skin into the goat blood.
Then casually walk about town and slap single women (gently) with the bloody goat skin. Don't worry the women want it because it will make them more fertile.
Then all the single ladies place there names in a jar. If you think I am making this up this is what the history channel website said.
Then eligible bachelors draw names of the single women and that's the woman they get for the year. Most of these pairings ended in marriage.
Now why the fuck did we get rid of that? Oh wait...because it is fucking insanity.
So what I want to know is why replace it? We couldn't fucking live without that? We need a replacement holiday? Yes because we can't just give up our goat blood slapping girl raffle.
OK how about this we will make up some vague shit about a guy who was really into marriage and another guy who wrote a love letter and then you guys can go buy a ton of shit with his name on it in hope's that you will get some sweet va-jay.
Not as crazy, but we did see the commercial value of it. All of this so we can put some ridiculous religious shit-laden meaning behind what is the most personal fucking thing on the planet.
The love I carry for people doesn't need a fucking day to celebrate it. The people I love, I love every day, no matter what.
The thing that angers me the most about it is that I still do it. I show my affection by buying shit when I don't really believe in it. Most people already have a day to celebrate their love for others, it's called an anniversary, or if you don't have that it's called whenever you god damned well feel like showing your loved ones that you love them. But still we needed an international day. Still we needed to mandate shit to the people.
I want you all to know that it is incredibly difficult to be angry and cynical about this subject unless you are alone and jaded. I am not alone. I love my Kate more and more every day and gladly would purchase hearts and flowers for her today. But I would do it everyday of the week if I could. I don't need some bullshit reason.
I love her.
Isn't that good enough.
It is for her.
So if you love someone shout it to the world. Don't wait for religion and government to give you a day to do so. Don't make cheap excuses. Do it every day. Maybe when we stop placing so much importance on a day then we can make the meaning last longer. Otherwise we are just gonna slide backwards.
But fuck it, if we slide at least we have some really insane shut to have fun with! Let's get to some goat slapping!
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
No goats were harmed in the writing of this blog.
I think it's offensive the amount of racism organized religion has against goats.
Stop the hate.
I cannot be too harsh a critic of the day...because I have a girlfriend. And for some reason this is the day for love and if you love someone, you have to care about Valentine's day. Well normally I shut my mouth on this day because the only reason guys buy the candy and flowers and have romantic evenings is because they are worried they won't get sex and it has been statistically proven that if you can't get fucked on Valentine's then you are not fit to lick the smeg off a homeless man and should be slapped and sterilized so that never happens again.
But since my girlfriend forgot today was Valentine's and since I have to rehearse today and have limited time to be romantic and what not, I thought I could afford to be a little more analytical and actually look at this somehow non-entity that is Valentine's day.
According to the history channel's website apparently my suspicion that it was all about some Christian dude who talked about love, and was martyred, is absolutely fucking not true.
Once again organized religion shoves some vague shit wrapped in pink and red paper down our throats and we accept it on faith that an organization of suckbots who want to control our thinking would never fucking lie to our faces.
Apparently the church recognizes 3 saints named Valentine or Valentinus.
THREE FUCKING PEOPLE!
And no one can confirm these fucker's story. One guy was said to be marrying people in secret because king Claudius thought to ban marriage because single soldiers were easier to deal with than married soldiers. So he got iced and so we celebrate that. Another story says the guy was helping Christians escape prison and while incarcerated wrote a love letter to the warden's daughter.
So our christian options are trite bullshit and can't even be agreed upon and we can't even get a lock on which guy we are talking about. But the reason i love the best for this holiday is the usual religious bullshit that always seems to come up. Fucking up pagan holidays.
So apparently, in ancient Rome, tomorrow would be what is known as Lupercai, The holiday to celebrate Faunus, the god of fertility.
So here's how you do it. You and a bunch of other priests of Faunus go to the cave of Romulus and Remus who were said to have started Rome and grew up in the cave raised by a she-wolf.
Next: slaughter one goat and skin it and cut the skin into strips.
Dip the strips of skin into the goat blood.
Then casually walk about town and slap single women (gently) with the bloody goat skin. Don't worry the women want it because it will make them more fertile.
Then all the single ladies place there names in a jar. If you think I am making this up this is what the history channel website said.
Then eligible bachelors draw names of the single women and that's the woman they get for the year. Most of these pairings ended in marriage.
Now why the fuck did we get rid of that? Oh wait...because it is fucking insanity.
So what I want to know is why replace it? We couldn't fucking live without that? We need a replacement holiday? Yes because we can't just give up our goat blood slapping girl raffle.
OK how about this we will make up some vague shit about a guy who was really into marriage and another guy who wrote a love letter and then you guys can go buy a ton of shit with his name on it in hope's that you will get some sweet va-jay.
Not as crazy, but we did see the commercial value of it. All of this so we can put some ridiculous religious shit-laden meaning behind what is the most personal fucking thing on the planet.
The love I carry for people doesn't need a fucking day to celebrate it. The people I love, I love every day, no matter what.
The thing that angers me the most about it is that I still do it. I show my affection by buying shit when I don't really believe in it. Most people already have a day to celebrate their love for others, it's called an anniversary, or if you don't have that it's called whenever you god damned well feel like showing your loved ones that you love them. But still we needed an international day. Still we needed to mandate shit to the people.
I want you all to know that it is incredibly difficult to be angry and cynical about this subject unless you are alone and jaded. I am not alone. I love my Kate more and more every day and gladly would purchase hearts and flowers for her today. But I would do it everyday of the week if I could. I don't need some bullshit reason.
I love her.
Isn't that good enough.
It is for her.
So if you love someone shout it to the world. Don't wait for religion and government to give you a day to do so. Don't make cheap excuses. Do it every day. Maybe when we stop placing so much importance on a day then we can make the meaning last longer. Otherwise we are just gonna slide backwards.
But fuck it, if we slide at least we have some really insane shut to have fun with! Let's get to some goat slapping!
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
No goats were harmed in the writing of this blog.
I think it's offensive the amount of racism organized religion has against goats.
Stop the hate.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Oh I'm sorry I didn't see you there...
So these blogs are either working because I have a lot less to bitch about or things have been going very well. So it should come as no surprise that i don't update here as much as before. the last time I intended to right a thrilling piece on affirmations and how irritating they are to the general public i kinda lost myself a bit but I think I found a direction. I also wanna take a moment to respond indirectly to an issue that bothers me.
The issue bothering me is for my good friend Samantha. She was recently sucker punched by someone she knew when she asked them for some feedback on an audition. Rather than get constructive criticism on her pieces she got a basic character assassination. He basically told her without going into to much detail that she reeked of desperation and that no one he knew would ever want to work with her.
Now I am not usually the type to get up and arms over something so trivial and that can be easily gotten over by Samantha she is after all a strong woman who knows what she wants and goes after it which is more than I can say for most people. But because I am feeling that battery acid taste in my mouth when I think about it I have to say something. I won't name the offender but what I will say in defense of my friend is that the man who said this steaming bowl of shit is somewhat talented in his field of musical theatre but he is no more than that.
I have worked with the individual in question and count that experience as the absolute worst piece of shit show I was ever duped into doing.I didn't even audition for it. i did it as a favor to a friend and it turned out to suck more ass than a felching convention. I have also worked with Samantha before and to make a long story short i knew this woman would be a powerhouse and make me look awesome when i auditioned with her. That show was also one I didn't have much interest in doing and it turned out to be one of the shows I am most proud of. so fuck this man, for thinking he had any opinion worth knowing. and shame (just a little) on Samantha for holding such a slug fucker in any regard other than someone who isn't suited to be in an audience much less direct anything.
Now...
On to my thoughts about the affirmation. People seem to think that if they repeat these daily life lessons that they will either come true or help realize something about themselves that is already true. In reality I have no problem with this. the girl who is fat and looks at herself in the mirror everyday and forces herself to say that she is beautiful when she really believes she isn't, she is undeserving of my ire because she is beautiful she just needs to convince herself of it. The person who strives to make the best out of every day they can and tells themselves everything will be great today, in spite of how much it isn't, they too don't deserve to be cursed at by me.
I will tell you who I will curse at. And it seems to be the same type of person I always yell at...
Its the ones who feel the need to tell me their words of inspiration.
First off you fuckers who spread this tasteless margarine bullshit of feelgood crap because you liked the way it sounded, and god knows where it originated, most likely some fucking greeting card, can go suck on dead rotten animal uterus. Then you write it on your social media page of choice as if you were the fucking Dali lama. And its always something about telling your loved ones how you feel before your dead or living for today because tomorrow may not be here. And to that I say, you people are fucking depressing. You are so consumed with death that you feel the need to guilt me into making sure I tell everyone I know, how I feel in case I'm dead the next day.
How about writing something that really helps someone. How about saying something that doesn't sound like the last fucking get well card or the thing you saw on a power point presentation at your last fucking sensitivity training. How about helping individuals with their issues instead of quoting a poster at me that had a fucking picture of a fucking kitten in a fucking wine glass that was oh so god damned cute you just had to have it on your cubicle wall to distract you from the fact that truly your life sucks and no amount of bullshit cheesy catchphrases will take the place of taking an action to changing that sad fucking fact.
Maybe instead of telling yourself to live for the moment you actually fucking do it. Realize that living in the moment is all you can do because if it were possible to live at a different time then time wouldn't fucking exist. All that exists is now and if it takes you telling yourself that every morning then you should still be writing with crayons, using the safety scissors and be able to tell me the difference in taste between Elmer's and the store brand pastes.
I have no respect for anything that doesn't affect change. And your words of "wisdom" mean nothing if you don't see that doing it and living it and leading by example are better ways to affect change rather than writing down something and putting it out there for people to ignore. Because its the same shit over and over again. And without originality or the proper audience you wasting your breath.
To be honest this topic came up when a facebook friend who shall remain nameless posted one of these bland quotes to live by and I just couldn't get it out of my head at how trivial it was. it made the person, in my eyes, look stupid and everyone who clicked the word "like" seemed like a mindless zombie. But maybe I'm the asshole. Maybe I am the one needs a healthy dose of feelgood propaganda. But that's all it is...
Propaganda.
No quote or affirmation is going to be true for absolutely everyone. The world is to diverse for that. And I guess what bothers me is that in this world that is so beautiful in the complexity and simplicity paradox that makes up our lives, to try and boil everything down to a few simple truths is just limiting your way of thinking. You are imposing rules that are just as harmful as parents teaching their children to hate. It's insulting that anyone would think that a generalized statement works for the whole world and everyone in it.
So in summation, find your own truths. live them. and don't be so fucking arrogant as to think that your lessons work for anyone but you. The simple truth is that you can't solve anything by throwing words at it. You have to know it and you have to live it as truth. regardless of what anyone thinks.
The great thinkers and speakers of our times, when quoted, are inspirational but I guarantee when they said it they knew that no one would truly learn those lessons from them. They would learn it on their own, from their own experience. Not because they read it in a fucking book somewhere.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
The issue bothering me is for my good friend Samantha. She was recently sucker punched by someone she knew when she asked them for some feedback on an audition. Rather than get constructive criticism on her pieces she got a basic character assassination. He basically told her without going into to much detail that she reeked of desperation and that no one he knew would ever want to work with her.
Now I am not usually the type to get up and arms over something so trivial and that can be easily gotten over by Samantha she is after all a strong woman who knows what she wants and goes after it which is more than I can say for most people. But because I am feeling that battery acid taste in my mouth when I think about it I have to say something. I won't name the offender but what I will say in defense of my friend is that the man who said this steaming bowl of shit is somewhat talented in his field of musical theatre but he is no more than that.
I have worked with the individual in question and count that experience as the absolute worst piece of shit show I was ever duped into doing.I didn't even audition for it. i did it as a favor to a friend and it turned out to suck more ass than a felching convention. I have also worked with Samantha before and to make a long story short i knew this woman would be a powerhouse and make me look awesome when i auditioned with her. That show was also one I didn't have much interest in doing and it turned out to be one of the shows I am most proud of. so fuck this man, for thinking he had any opinion worth knowing. and shame (just a little) on Samantha for holding such a slug fucker in any regard other than someone who isn't suited to be in an audience much less direct anything.
Now...
On to my thoughts about the affirmation. People seem to think that if they repeat these daily life lessons that they will either come true or help realize something about themselves that is already true. In reality I have no problem with this. the girl who is fat and looks at herself in the mirror everyday and forces herself to say that she is beautiful when she really believes she isn't, she is undeserving of my ire because she is beautiful she just needs to convince herself of it. The person who strives to make the best out of every day they can and tells themselves everything will be great today, in spite of how much it isn't, they too don't deserve to be cursed at by me.
I will tell you who I will curse at. And it seems to be the same type of person I always yell at...
Its the ones who feel the need to tell me their words of inspiration.
First off you fuckers who spread this tasteless margarine bullshit of feelgood crap because you liked the way it sounded, and god knows where it originated, most likely some fucking greeting card, can go suck on dead rotten animal uterus. Then you write it on your social media page of choice as if you were the fucking Dali lama. And its always something about telling your loved ones how you feel before your dead or living for today because tomorrow may not be here. And to that I say, you people are fucking depressing. You are so consumed with death that you feel the need to guilt me into making sure I tell everyone I know, how I feel in case I'm dead the next day.
How about writing something that really helps someone. How about saying something that doesn't sound like the last fucking get well card or the thing you saw on a power point presentation at your last fucking sensitivity training. How about helping individuals with their issues instead of quoting a poster at me that had a fucking picture of a fucking kitten in a fucking wine glass that was oh so god damned cute you just had to have it on your cubicle wall to distract you from the fact that truly your life sucks and no amount of bullshit cheesy catchphrases will take the place of taking an action to changing that sad fucking fact.
Maybe instead of telling yourself to live for the moment you actually fucking do it. Realize that living in the moment is all you can do because if it were possible to live at a different time then time wouldn't fucking exist. All that exists is now and if it takes you telling yourself that every morning then you should still be writing with crayons, using the safety scissors and be able to tell me the difference in taste between Elmer's and the store brand pastes.
I have no respect for anything that doesn't affect change. And your words of "wisdom" mean nothing if you don't see that doing it and living it and leading by example are better ways to affect change rather than writing down something and putting it out there for people to ignore. Because its the same shit over and over again. And without originality or the proper audience you wasting your breath.
To be honest this topic came up when a facebook friend who shall remain nameless posted one of these bland quotes to live by and I just couldn't get it out of my head at how trivial it was. it made the person, in my eyes, look stupid and everyone who clicked the word "like" seemed like a mindless zombie. But maybe I'm the asshole. Maybe I am the one needs a healthy dose of feelgood propaganda. But that's all it is...
Propaganda.
No quote or affirmation is going to be true for absolutely everyone. The world is to diverse for that. And I guess what bothers me is that in this world that is so beautiful in the complexity and simplicity paradox that makes up our lives, to try and boil everything down to a few simple truths is just limiting your way of thinking. You are imposing rules that are just as harmful as parents teaching their children to hate. It's insulting that anyone would think that a generalized statement works for the whole world and everyone in it.
So in summation, find your own truths. live them. and don't be so fucking arrogant as to think that your lessons work for anyone but you. The simple truth is that you can't solve anything by throwing words at it. You have to know it and you have to live it as truth. regardless of what anyone thinks.
The great thinkers and speakers of our times, when quoted, are inspirational but I guarantee when they said it they knew that no one would truly learn those lessons from them. They would learn it on their own, from their own experience. Not because they read it in a fucking book somewhere.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Thursday, June 30, 2011
The best of me...
I woke up in a cold fucking sweat at 4 am this morning. A dream had awoken me and in a daze I took it for its literal meaning. the dream haunted me throughout the rest of my day. even though I knew it was a fictional occurrence, something about it wouldn't let me go.
So let me give you an accurate depiction of said dream.
I awoke in a two bedroom apartment that is unfamiliar to me. I am alone in my room and two things are known to me. One I am running late for work and two the love of life Kate is in the other bedroom with another man fucking, and I am supposed to be alright with this. Which of course I am not. I go to take a shower but for some reason the shower has become a storage area for miscellaneous objects. I begin to fling shit out of the shower and across the room swearing and screaming profusely. Kate and anonymous guy she is fucking stop to see what is wrong. It is then Kate tries to assure me nothing has changed while the naked douchebag tries to do the same. I am seething on the brink of homicide...
when I wake up. I am in my apartment. One bedroom. Kate is lying next to me. She assures me through her sleepiness that everything is fine. I am still the only one for her and that nothing has changed...
nothing has changed.
All day this feeling of sick depression was eating away at me. Then as I sat at my cubicle in my job two things hit me. One I have become remarkably good at hiding my emotions to get through work, and two was a reminder of something my mother once said to me. "Gabriel, no one lives in your head but you so it stands to reason that everyone in your dream is you."
I then realized that Kate had nothing to do with my feelings. I wasn't angry because some fictional version of her slept with another person. I was angry because that is what I had done more or less to my ex wife.
I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheater. That isn't me. And no matter how justified I felt in my actions and no matter how happy I am that I ended up where I am today, it still eats away at me that somehow I could manage to cause so much chaos and discontent through my actions.
Believe me when I say that I am not sorry about where I ended up at. I like my life right now. It's not perfect but I have everything I need. But I caused a lot of pain to certain people that I never meant to cause and for that...
I am sorry.
I can only promise to do better.
I know that I am not angry and spouting off about some injustice or stupidity in the world...I just felt it was important that I say something.
because in reality...everything has changed. Because I can be better.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
So let me give you an accurate depiction of said dream.
I awoke in a two bedroom apartment that is unfamiliar to me. I am alone in my room and two things are known to me. One I am running late for work and two the love of life Kate is in the other bedroom with another man fucking, and I am supposed to be alright with this. Which of course I am not. I go to take a shower but for some reason the shower has become a storage area for miscellaneous objects. I begin to fling shit out of the shower and across the room swearing and screaming profusely. Kate and anonymous guy she is fucking stop to see what is wrong. It is then Kate tries to assure me nothing has changed while the naked douchebag tries to do the same. I am seething on the brink of homicide...
when I wake up. I am in my apartment. One bedroom. Kate is lying next to me. She assures me through her sleepiness that everything is fine. I am still the only one for her and that nothing has changed...
nothing has changed.
All day this feeling of sick depression was eating away at me. Then as I sat at my cubicle in my job two things hit me. One I have become remarkably good at hiding my emotions to get through work, and two was a reminder of something my mother once said to me. "Gabriel, no one lives in your head but you so it stands to reason that everyone in your dream is you."
I then realized that Kate had nothing to do with my feelings. I wasn't angry because some fictional version of her slept with another person. I was angry because that is what I had done more or less to my ex wife.
I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheater. That isn't me. And no matter how justified I felt in my actions and no matter how happy I am that I ended up where I am today, it still eats away at me that somehow I could manage to cause so much chaos and discontent through my actions.
Believe me when I say that I am not sorry about where I ended up at. I like my life right now. It's not perfect but I have everything I need. But I caused a lot of pain to certain people that I never meant to cause and for that...
I am sorry.
I can only promise to do better.
I know that I am not angry and spouting off about some injustice or stupidity in the world...I just felt it was important that I say something.
because in reality...everything has changed. Because I can be better.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)