Ok, I was trying to wait until this congealed in my head as a solid thought because I am having trouble and need to know more from the high minded individuals I call friends and family. Let me just say that, ever since I was cognizant of what it is, I have been a supporter of the LGBT community. I am a supporter of equal rights for all of sexualities, but a couple of recent articles have given me pause to consider one initial in that set. I have no issue at all with the LGB portion of it. I am a firm believer that the definitions of sexuality can be changed with no problem. Those in the against category would argue that sex is for the instinctual purpose of procreating but at a deeper level I believe we all just want to cum and whatever gets you there is fantastic. Unless its children. They got another several years to get used to just the basics of living before we throw the confusion of sex and emotions involved. If you wanna steal that innocence do us all a favor and kill yourself because sex isn't about cumming for you. And that is just unnatural. In fact any sex that has nothing to do with cumming or interpersonal connection is wrong.
But I digress. The definitions of the word sexuality could use a little broadening and changing. We are a people who are constrained by words and their definitions. Learning to bridge the gap between peoples definitions is where it gets tricky. Which brings me to my point. The transgendered. The T in LGBT has been showing up in my consciousness lately. And I guess the things that are bothering me is where I need the discussion.
I read an online comic some of you are familiar with called Penny Arcade. I love their stuff and am a fan. I have prints of some of their comics on my wall. The artist for the comic got into some hot water when he had a discussion about a game that basically teaches women how to masturbate. The discussion was that the game was intellectually bigoted against those of the transgendered community because it is marketed as a game for women and some transgendered consider themselves women without the corresponding anatomy. The artist felt that this was not the case because people with vaginas are generally women. The man was called cis male garbage and even had someone threaten to kill him. He eventually apologized for his role in all that transpired and had some great conversations with some other people that really opened his eyes to some greater truths. Which is partially what I am endeavoring to do here.
In other news, I read an article this morning about a transgendered member who is in nursing school who has been threatened with expulsion for using the women's restroom. This is being labeled as intolerance by the person who wrote the article. Now the assertion of the article expresses that she can no longer use the bathroom that is in the building she takes classes in. Instead she must use a restroom on the other side of campus in the admin building that resembles a janitorial bathroom.
These are two examples that have come into my consciousness that I have trouble with. At heart I believe the definition of sexuality can be broadened to include all. But it is a much harder prospect to change our definitions of gender. Sure the campus could put unisex bathrooms and the game company could make a masturbatory game for all people but I think the problem can be solved at a deeper level.
Like I said sexuality is a definition that can be broadened but I believe terms like male and female are too broad. Saying something is male in our society carries so much more than just having a dick.
The game in question probably has some ambiguous title like women's sensuality trainer when this would be better to just call it what it is. Twat whacker trainer or Pussy fingering guide. It would be still exclusionary but those who identify as female, without vaginas would know that it isn't for them.
Bathrooms are labeled male and female. So either have unisex bathrooms or label them for corresponding anatomy. This bathroom is for individuals with penises. That Bathroom is for individuals with vaginas. Or maybe people should just mind their own fucking business in the fucking bathroom and stop looking at what other people are doing in there. Honestly the quimstain that reported the transgendered woman in the bathroom is spending way to much time worried about other fucking peoples bathroom habits. It's a bathroom get in and get out, ya fucking vain ass bitch!
Specifics and generalities are what get us in trouble. When I am looking at a specific person I can treat them however they want. I am glad to call you whatever you want to be called. All my pronouns will correspond. Generalities are what get us in trouble. Referring to large groups never works. Stereotypes and grouping people together doesn't work. I put it to you that it never has.
When speaking in generalities your words need to be simpler. Individuals are complex. Mobs are simple.
If you need to soften the bathroom words for kids we can say innies and outties. There, you paranoid childish freaks.
Communication is everything and just bringing up this topic gives me some insight but I feel like this is only the beginning of the conversation and I really look forward to everything I am going to learn.
With deep and abiding affection
Gabriel
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Saturday, December 15, 2012
In the face of tragedy...shut your fucking face.
I fucking hate all of you.
Every single fuckass who mentioned the school shooting yesterday just became more of a fuckass in book.
If you are a close friend of mine I am sure I will forgive in time but right now you are fucking idiots.
Let me break this down for you. Every time a tragedy like this strikes news media goes into overdrive about all the details. I have to watch crying families and traumatized victims for the next 6 hours and it will continue for the next several weeks. Despite the fact that every expert I have ever seen says this is the exact wrong fucking thing to do if you want to prevent more violence. To prevent more kids from dying, stop doing this thing you are doing. Most of you would say OK and stop doing it because you couldn't live with that shit on your conscience. But the news media makes money.
That is what this is about. Making money. Getting something from the death of children. profiting from death. And we all watch it. Feeling heartbroken, outraged, alone, and afraid. Fear becomes currency. And then it perpetuates to social media. This is the second part of the equation. Now I feel bad that some kids died. I feel bad for their parents and I say that right now so that you will understand when I say, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! Guess what, the parents who lost their kid don't care either. They are too busy grieving the loss to their family to say, gee I hope some whiny douchesuck in the pacific northwest is thinking about me and my loss. Unless you are headed out to Connecticut right now to give free counseling and love to those people your prayers mean absolute dick. I am not saying you can't pray for them but what in your fucking self centered puckered asshole were you thinking when you thought the rest of the internet needed to know that?
Hey everyone look at me I have feelings and I am a good person too. Go fuck yourself, you fucking cunt maggot. You aren't fucking special. These situations arise for the rest of us as moments to reflect and eventually discuss. EVENTUALLY, being the key fucking word.
As for your politics on gun control, again, fuck you. I understand you are afraid. everyone is. But do not substitute your fear and anger at something senseless with something that isn't the issue. when the smoke begins to clear on this is when we can bring up the side topics but for now the issue is the pain of the families. You only cheapen yourselves when you start in fighting over the details. Your other problem is that you forget once it is over to have the conversation." 26 people dead from gun violence? that was last week. We certainly don't have a problem with guns this week. We can so talk about this later."
The comments that brought me to the point of actually writing this are the businesses who write on facebook that their hearts and prayers go out to the victims. When Baskin Robbins, Starbucks, and many other companies write shit like that all I can think is...Fuck your hearts and prayers...send money. I just lost my toddler, I will cry about it for years and be torn apart inside and I certainly hope Baskin Robbins cares about that but don't for fucks sake put out a statement like that when you don't need to. Our president is our leader and I understand him trying to put some minds at ease. I appreciate that. No matter who the president is but I don't care if Starbucks is heartbroken. Yeah they should be, but shut your fucking face. As a business who has money and could actually perform an action, as opposed to just writing three sentences, all that says to me is your doing the same thing individuals are doing but in your case you kinda hope that people will say, "wow, Starbucks and World Market care about this...I will spend money there.
Fear becomes currency. If one person decides to shop with you because you wrote that statement on facebook rather than the fact that you sell good products, You have just profited off the death of a child. Hope you can sleep at night.
Which brings me to the last thought I have on this. I read a number of posts about people with kids saying that they either were currently or wishing they could hug their kids at that moment. I have no problem with that. I support it. But I want to ask one question that I don't need an answer on I just want you to think about it. Are you hugging them out of love or fear? I hope to god it is love. Because they can tell the difference. You should hug your kid everyday out of love whether tragedy strikes or not. If you hug them in fear then you're just putting your fear into them.
I feel terribly about using this situation or any situation really as a source for my anger. It isn't mine to be angry about. Right now I am in a good place. I have no children but love kids and my friends and family. But I couldn't sit on the sidelines while I watched well meaning people act like idiots out of fear. Most of the country didn't face that gun, didn't watch those children die first hand and certainly aren't crying about a loved one who did. so close your mouth open your ears and listen to those that did. Send your prayers to whatever god you believe in look for solace in nature and religion and in faith that most of humanity is intact. close your mouth.trust in love that everything will be alright and hold up your brothers and sisters who can't do it for themselves because they are crippled with grief.
Listen, help others, act in good faith, and do it without your opinion getting in the way.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Every single fuckass who mentioned the school shooting yesterday just became more of a fuckass in book.
If you are a close friend of mine I am sure I will forgive in time but right now you are fucking idiots.
Let me break this down for you. Every time a tragedy like this strikes news media goes into overdrive about all the details. I have to watch crying families and traumatized victims for the next 6 hours and it will continue for the next several weeks. Despite the fact that every expert I have ever seen says this is the exact wrong fucking thing to do if you want to prevent more violence. To prevent more kids from dying, stop doing this thing you are doing. Most of you would say OK and stop doing it because you couldn't live with that shit on your conscience. But the news media makes money.
That is what this is about. Making money. Getting something from the death of children. profiting from death. And we all watch it. Feeling heartbroken, outraged, alone, and afraid. Fear becomes currency. And then it perpetuates to social media. This is the second part of the equation. Now I feel bad that some kids died. I feel bad for their parents and I say that right now so that you will understand when I say, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! Guess what, the parents who lost their kid don't care either. They are too busy grieving the loss to their family to say, gee I hope some whiny douchesuck in the pacific northwest is thinking about me and my loss. Unless you are headed out to Connecticut right now to give free counseling and love to those people your prayers mean absolute dick. I am not saying you can't pray for them but what in your fucking self centered puckered asshole were you thinking when you thought the rest of the internet needed to know that?
Hey everyone look at me I have feelings and I am a good person too. Go fuck yourself, you fucking cunt maggot. You aren't fucking special. These situations arise for the rest of us as moments to reflect and eventually discuss. EVENTUALLY, being the key fucking word.
As for your politics on gun control, again, fuck you. I understand you are afraid. everyone is. But do not substitute your fear and anger at something senseless with something that isn't the issue. when the smoke begins to clear on this is when we can bring up the side topics but for now the issue is the pain of the families. You only cheapen yourselves when you start in fighting over the details. Your other problem is that you forget once it is over to have the conversation." 26 people dead from gun violence? that was last week. We certainly don't have a problem with guns this week. We can so talk about this later."
The comments that brought me to the point of actually writing this are the businesses who write on facebook that their hearts and prayers go out to the victims. When Baskin Robbins, Starbucks, and many other companies write shit like that all I can think is...Fuck your hearts and prayers...send money. I just lost my toddler, I will cry about it for years and be torn apart inside and I certainly hope Baskin Robbins cares about that but don't for fucks sake put out a statement like that when you don't need to. Our president is our leader and I understand him trying to put some minds at ease. I appreciate that. No matter who the president is but I don't care if Starbucks is heartbroken. Yeah they should be, but shut your fucking face. As a business who has money and could actually perform an action, as opposed to just writing three sentences, all that says to me is your doing the same thing individuals are doing but in your case you kinda hope that people will say, "wow, Starbucks and World Market care about this...I will spend money there.
Fear becomes currency. If one person decides to shop with you because you wrote that statement on facebook rather than the fact that you sell good products, You have just profited off the death of a child. Hope you can sleep at night.
Which brings me to the last thought I have on this. I read a number of posts about people with kids saying that they either were currently or wishing they could hug their kids at that moment. I have no problem with that. I support it. But I want to ask one question that I don't need an answer on I just want you to think about it. Are you hugging them out of love or fear? I hope to god it is love. Because they can tell the difference. You should hug your kid everyday out of love whether tragedy strikes or not. If you hug them in fear then you're just putting your fear into them.
I feel terribly about using this situation or any situation really as a source for my anger. It isn't mine to be angry about. Right now I am in a good place. I have no children but love kids and my friends and family. But I couldn't sit on the sidelines while I watched well meaning people act like idiots out of fear. Most of the country didn't face that gun, didn't watch those children die first hand and certainly aren't crying about a loved one who did. so close your mouth open your ears and listen to those that did. Send your prayers to whatever god you believe in look for solace in nature and religion and in faith that most of humanity is intact. close your mouth.trust in love that everything will be alright and hold up your brothers and sisters who can't do it for themselves because they are crippled with grief.
Listen, help others, act in good faith, and do it without your opinion getting in the way.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Monday, October 22, 2012
I don't know where imma gonna go...
I started doing theatre when I was sixteen. I had long hair, incredibly bad teeth and I at that point had been a major outcast. For many reasons. My teeth were green from lack of care and all broken i smelled bad and I was unkempt in every way you can imagine. Theatre helped me escape. I was good at it too. Or so I thought. at 18 I got my dentures and was immediately more noticed by my high school peers. Showing me exactly how petty and shallow people really are. When I went to Pierce college I continued in theatre and saw myself on tape for the first time and I knew...I was fucking horrible. So I did what I could do to get better. I did every show I could. I cut my hair which somehow made me more noticeable to the opposite sex. showing me once again how shallow people really are. I worked with a lot of great people in the area. Then something happened.
I began to get depressive and my moods would swing all over the place. It didn't help my love life and it certainly didn't help my theatre life. I broke down even more when I went through a series of love affairs that ripped my heart right out of my chest. I consigned myself to working only in shows done by a good friend of mine. It was gypsy theatre and it gave me the opportunity to do shows that never got done in this community. we lost money and we didn't care we weren't acting to make money. theatre was never about money for us.
I did a production of Cripple of Inishmaan that saw an angry Gabriel getting raw eggs cracked over his face. Not a pleasant moment. the cast thought it was hilarious of course but somehow i couldn't shake my rage. I realized then that i had lost something. there was a time when I enjoyed acting simply for what it was. I did great shows mediocre shows and terrible shows but then I got my soul crushed to put it over dramatically and I became some sort of theatre snob with no real reason to be so. I had lost my love. So I quit. I didn't set foot in a theatre for 4 years. I was so angry at everything. I thought it was because I lost my love for it. but that wasn't it.
I was afraid. I was afraid of being unaccepted by everyone. A fear that still haunts me to this day. I know I am loved and yet I fear at any moment the entire world will abandon me and leave me alone. Not an uncommon fear, and not uncommon for those who have it, to do what I did, and hermit themselves proactively. I even moved to the bay area as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
I went to a city that wasn't my home for 2 years. The whole time I dreamed of getting back to a theatre but I was too scared. I also was not aware that my snobbery had not ended. So when I returned married and full of anger at myself for denying an entire part of myself I still never auditioned for anything. Then I got a call from an unlikely place. A director wanted me to audition for Macbeth because he had seen me in As you like it so many years ago at Lakewood Playhouse. Lakewood was the theatre i first acted in outside of high school. It was like coming home again. I was so nervous I couldn't get a grasp on any sort of character until it had gotten to being off book. I was so reclusive from everyone because yet again I was afraid that I would not be acceptable. And the list of local favorite players had changed so much. No one knew me anymore. I did a few pieces largely those I felt would exercise my abilities. And it only continued my feeling like was in this for some higher purpose. like I was superior. but I am not. I am not superior. i am a scared little boy with many issues about feeling unaccepted by the world. not an uncommon trait among actors but the problem with these feelings is that you aren't logically able to see how many others feel just like you do and it only perpetuates the self fulfilling prophecy of being alone.
That I am sure was the reason most of my relationships have ended. My fear is very palpable and can hit very hard. I explode, I implode, I am massively emotionally destructive. As many people witnessed recently. There was a review.
Now I don't want to hurt any one's feelings here but I am going to be honest. I am currently in a show. A show I was by no means excited to do. A show that I feel I have struggled with to get my part to its feet. I deluded myself into thinking it was going to be well within my grasp because it wasn't a show that I considered to be too good. But I was wrong. the show is good because the people in it are good. They worked hard over some really tough problems and I don't think I treated this as seriously as I could. That being said I don't think my performance is two dimensional as was reported. The character has a lot of depth and I have begun to learn about subtle details that I would never have thrown in before. details so small the audience may not notice...but I do. and that intrigues me. That I can find such insignificant moments so challenging. how does one act like coffee is hot, when the stand in liquid is ice cold. It is those moments, where I learn, that bring me joy.
But I forgot that. Instead I ranted and raved about how wrong the reviewer was. I exploded about how I couldn't give a shit what he thought or what an audience thought. but that isn't the truth. I am just scared. Scared that someone will read it and say "you know he is right. Gabriel is the shittiest actor I have ever seen. He is such a drag to that show and it is his performance that is responsible for the fact that it isn't doing as well as it could have."
What i have forgotten is that the show is subjective a lot of people have really enjoyed it and more will come and enjoy it or not and it has nothing to do with me. It never will. But more than that i have forgotten the joy.
I do shows because I have fun doing them but I used to be so full of joy to be on the stage that nothing could have brought me down. That, my friends is going to change. this show will not change in characterization but it will be better. because I am going to find the joy in it for me. come see it.
And come see my next show at Tacoma Little Theatre. Miracle on 34th street. Yeah it's cheesy and christmasy and full of fluff and sugar coated but I will find the joy in it and I will be damned if I will ever forget again. Besides this show could use a pirate like me in it.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
I began to get depressive and my moods would swing all over the place. It didn't help my love life and it certainly didn't help my theatre life. I broke down even more when I went through a series of love affairs that ripped my heart right out of my chest. I consigned myself to working only in shows done by a good friend of mine. It was gypsy theatre and it gave me the opportunity to do shows that never got done in this community. we lost money and we didn't care we weren't acting to make money. theatre was never about money for us.
I did a production of Cripple of Inishmaan that saw an angry Gabriel getting raw eggs cracked over his face. Not a pleasant moment. the cast thought it was hilarious of course but somehow i couldn't shake my rage. I realized then that i had lost something. there was a time when I enjoyed acting simply for what it was. I did great shows mediocre shows and terrible shows but then I got my soul crushed to put it over dramatically and I became some sort of theatre snob with no real reason to be so. I had lost my love. So I quit. I didn't set foot in a theatre for 4 years. I was so angry at everything. I thought it was because I lost my love for it. but that wasn't it.
I was afraid. I was afraid of being unaccepted by everyone. A fear that still haunts me to this day. I know I am loved and yet I fear at any moment the entire world will abandon me and leave me alone. Not an uncommon fear, and not uncommon for those who have it, to do what I did, and hermit themselves proactively. I even moved to the bay area as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
I went to a city that wasn't my home for 2 years. The whole time I dreamed of getting back to a theatre but I was too scared. I also was not aware that my snobbery had not ended. So when I returned married and full of anger at myself for denying an entire part of myself I still never auditioned for anything. Then I got a call from an unlikely place. A director wanted me to audition for Macbeth because he had seen me in As you like it so many years ago at Lakewood Playhouse. Lakewood was the theatre i first acted in outside of high school. It was like coming home again. I was so nervous I couldn't get a grasp on any sort of character until it had gotten to being off book. I was so reclusive from everyone because yet again I was afraid that I would not be acceptable. And the list of local favorite players had changed so much. No one knew me anymore. I did a few pieces largely those I felt would exercise my abilities. And it only continued my feeling like was in this for some higher purpose. like I was superior. but I am not. I am not superior. i am a scared little boy with many issues about feeling unaccepted by the world. not an uncommon trait among actors but the problem with these feelings is that you aren't logically able to see how many others feel just like you do and it only perpetuates the self fulfilling prophecy of being alone.
That I am sure was the reason most of my relationships have ended. My fear is very palpable and can hit very hard. I explode, I implode, I am massively emotionally destructive. As many people witnessed recently. There was a review.
Now I don't want to hurt any one's feelings here but I am going to be honest. I am currently in a show. A show I was by no means excited to do. A show that I feel I have struggled with to get my part to its feet. I deluded myself into thinking it was going to be well within my grasp because it wasn't a show that I considered to be too good. But I was wrong. the show is good because the people in it are good. They worked hard over some really tough problems and I don't think I treated this as seriously as I could. That being said I don't think my performance is two dimensional as was reported. The character has a lot of depth and I have begun to learn about subtle details that I would never have thrown in before. details so small the audience may not notice...but I do. and that intrigues me. That I can find such insignificant moments so challenging. how does one act like coffee is hot, when the stand in liquid is ice cold. It is those moments, where I learn, that bring me joy.
But I forgot that. Instead I ranted and raved about how wrong the reviewer was. I exploded about how I couldn't give a shit what he thought or what an audience thought. but that isn't the truth. I am just scared. Scared that someone will read it and say "you know he is right. Gabriel is the shittiest actor I have ever seen. He is such a drag to that show and it is his performance that is responsible for the fact that it isn't doing as well as it could have."
What i have forgotten is that the show is subjective a lot of people have really enjoyed it and more will come and enjoy it or not and it has nothing to do with me. It never will. But more than that i have forgotten the joy.
I do shows because I have fun doing them but I used to be so full of joy to be on the stage that nothing could have brought me down. That, my friends is going to change. this show will not change in characterization but it will be better. because I am going to find the joy in it for me. come see it.
And come see my next show at Tacoma Little Theatre. Miracle on 34th street. Yeah it's cheesy and christmasy and full of fluff and sugar coated but I will find the joy in it and I will be damned if I will ever forget again. Besides this show could use a pirate like me in it.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Am I the asshole here...
Recently a friend of a friend has been thinking about getting into acting. He has taken a few acting workshops and read a few books about famous actors. He now believes that his plan to spend a year getting things together and then travelling to california for acting as he puts it will go off without a hitch. I spent a portion of my day explaining to him as a person who has been in theatre for 18 years and has a ton of friends and contacts who work in and around this business that his plan is flawed. He has no background, no film or theatre credits to his name, no agent, no headshot,s no education, no experience, and worst of all no clue that all of that is hard to get in a place like L.A. where you are going up against several thousand other people who have all that shit already.
But now in explaining this to him I am accused of being an asshole and of being pessimistic and unsupportive.
I am going to sail to Japan. In a boat I build myself. I have no background in carpentry. I have no idea how to make a seaworthy vessel. I have no background in sailing. I have however, read a few books on famous boatmakers and have been to a couple of small carpentry classes. I feel assured that with the knowledge I have I can build a boat on my own and sail across the pacific.
Now do you let me live in my fantasy realm, or do you tell me "hey dumbass! you are going to fucking drown!" ?
For some reason acting is the only profession that has this issue. Tons of people think they can run off to a major city and become famous actors with little to no work. You never hear people say that rather than go to school they will become a doctor by reading Grey's anatomy, watching Dr. House and then running over to their nearest hospital to try out.
Guess what dickholes...acting is work. It is always being out of work and always reinventing yourself. It requires thought, planning, and a ton of self discovery. It requires some general knowledge of the industry and how it works and it requires a tremendous amount of humility. As well as iron thick skin to deal with rejection on a massive scale.
But I am not allowed to say that. I suppose I should just let people fuck up on their own and learn for themselves. Which is something I have advocated my whole life. Let them learn it on their own that this was in need of more planning.
But this time I am tired. I am tired of seeing people play out this same cliched bullshit.the actor with a backpack and some money travelling to hollywood to make it big. Go fuck yourself. You are nothing new and you are nothing original. You have been seen and dismissed before you even get on the plane. It is not only insulting to expect that you are different, it is insulting to the legions of performers and actors and musicians who work their asses off for next to nothing not because they want to be famous but because there is something fundamentally wrong with them. They need this life. It is what keeps them breathing, keeps them sane. And to think you got it all figured out before you have even attempted an audition, spits in the face of all that they hold sacred. Fuck you little kid. Go to school and learn something and don't come back til you do.
But maybe I am wrong. What do you think? Let me know.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
But now in explaining this to him I am accused of being an asshole and of being pessimistic and unsupportive.
I am going to sail to Japan. In a boat I build myself. I have no background in carpentry. I have no idea how to make a seaworthy vessel. I have no background in sailing. I have however, read a few books on famous boatmakers and have been to a couple of small carpentry classes. I feel assured that with the knowledge I have I can build a boat on my own and sail across the pacific.
Now do you let me live in my fantasy realm, or do you tell me "hey dumbass! you are going to fucking drown!" ?
For some reason acting is the only profession that has this issue. Tons of people think they can run off to a major city and become famous actors with little to no work. You never hear people say that rather than go to school they will become a doctor by reading Grey's anatomy, watching Dr. House and then running over to their nearest hospital to try out.
Guess what dickholes...acting is work. It is always being out of work and always reinventing yourself. It requires thought, planning, and a ton of self discovery. It requires some general knowledge of the industry and how it works and it requires a tremendous amount of humility. As well as iron thick skin to deal with rejection on a massive scale.
But I am not allowed to say that. I suppose I should just let people fuck up on their own and learn for themselves. Which is something I have advocated my whole life. Let them learn it on their own that this was in need of more planning.
But this time I am tired. I am tired of seeing people play out this same cliched bullshit.the actor with a backpack and some money travelling to hollywood to make it big. Go fuck yourself. You are nothing new and you are nothing original. You have been seen and dismissed before you even get on the plane. It is not only insulting to expect that you are different, it is insulting to the legions of performers and actors and musicians who work their asses off for next to nothing not because they want to be famous but because there is something fundamentally wrong with them. They need this life. It is what keeps them breathing, keeps them sane. And to think you got it all figured out before you have even attempted an audition, spits in the face of all that they hold sacred. Fuck you little kid. Go to school and learn something and don't come back til you do.
But maybe I am wrong. What do you think? Let me know.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Monday, August 13, 2012
I'm sorry
This isn't going to be angry at all. I needed to vent at myself but it isn't working so I will share. I have just finished doing a show with some really good friends and some lovely people. Last night was the cast party. I went with the expectation of having a good time. By the end i was uncomfortable angry and full of hatred.
In my past I have had issues with tolerance. their is a certain way of living that is foreign to me. I don't know how to let go. Suffice to say that I didn't start drinking until I was 23. not because I was a good boy who never did wrong...but because i had spent a few years previously watching my friends in high school get fucked up every night. They weren't doing it to piss me off. Nor had they waited to keep me around so I could watch over them. They just wanted to have a good time. Yet I couldn't. It made me uncomfortable and I was angry because I felt that they had no regard for my feelings. And whether they did or not that was the crux of my problem.
I am afraid of not being accepted. So afraid that I will preemptively separate myself and hurt myself so that you can't do it. My whole life I have felt like I never really belonged anywhere. I feel like my thoughts and feelings are invalid and don't mesh well with common society. I did theatre to try and fit in but the show ends and I am left with a feeling that I will never find that space again. And those friends will never show again without the common goal.
It happens still today. I have a friend who puts on concerts for bands in the local area and they really need support but I don't go. Because as I stand there I feel like a fraud. these aren't people who like me. and the ones who do are busy working and playing the show. And talking to them would be absolute death for fear that i open my mouth and make them not care about me for a reason.
So I become more self centered because I feel like I need to insert myself even where it doesn't belong and I internalize everything. For instance this show had three reviews and despite the fact that i feel I put out a solid performance not one of them mentioned me and I was palpably hurt by that. The reviewers have no cause to write about me. I am a bit character who could have been written out. but I was still hurt.
I have felt this way since childhood. I would spend time looking in a mirror at the age of 8 wondering why I had to be me.
So a few years ago I did something about it. After feeling pushed around near the end of my marriage I decided that Gabriel wasn't gonna take any more shit. I was gonna give it. And since then I have become this character that will say exactly what he is feeling and not give a damn about what you say. He comes out in this blog and in uncomfortable situations and at parties and he says acerbic funny shit and everyone really likes him because he is alive and brilliant and fantastic.
But he isn't me.
I'm scared and alone in crowds and unsure of how to make it through this world and often just feel numb inside.
I need help.
even now as I type this I am holding back tears to be able to see the keys.
so I am at a party for the cast of this latest show and people are drinking and nude hot tubbing and letting go of all the shit that bothers them and there I stand alone drinking and hating myself. When a lovely friend of mine whom I care for dearly stands at the top of two steps drunk off her ass begging me to help her down so she doesn't fall. Behind her are people running around naked showing how little they care about what people think and there in that moment I went back to watching my friends get high and drunk and they are throwing up and laughing and crying and hoping that sober Gabe will keep them from harm. And I looked at this dear friend of mine and felt nothing but disdain.
I love her...but I hated her so purely in that moment.
And I actually had the audacity to think that these people didn't care about me. so I got out of there. And I went home and promptly got into a fight with my girlfriend. All she wanted to do was help but I wouldn't let her. I couldn't. I was being selfish and self hating and anyone who showed compassion for me was lying. And rather than having a good time and getting to spend quality time with the woman I love. I fell asleep bitter and full of apathy.
I awoke this morning crying. Feeling like I owed an explanation to people who knew nothing about what i had gone through. I know I am putting a lot out here and I am not sure why I even need to explain. There is nothing anyone can do for me. You can't make someone feel accepted. All you can do is create the environment and hope people get there on their own.
I guess I just needed to admit to someone that I had a problem before I intentionally destroy every relationship I have as proof that I don't belong.
I need help and I don't know what to do.
With deep and abiding affection
Gabriel
In my past I have had issues with tolerance. their is a certain way of living that is foreign to me. I don't know how to let go. Suffice to say that I didn't start drinking until I was 23. not because I was a good boy who never did wrong...but because i had spent a few years previously watching my friends in high school get fucked up every night. They weren't doing it to piss me off. Nor had they waited to keep me around so I could watch over them. They just wanted to have a good time. Yet I couldn't. It made me uncomfortable and I was angry because I felt that they had no regard for my feelings. And whether they did or not that was the crux of my problem.
I am afraid of not being accepted. So afraid that I will preemptively separate myself and hurt myself so that you can't do it. My whole life I have felt like I never really belonged anywhere. I feel like my thoughts and feelings are invalid and don't mesh well with common society. I did theatre to try and fit in but the show ends and I am left with a feeling that I will never find that space again. And those friends will never show again without the common goal.
It happens still today. I have a friend who puts on concerts for bands in the local area and they really need support but I don't go. Because as I stand there I feel like a fraud. these aren't people who like me. and the ones who do are busy working and playing the show. And talking to them would be absolute death for fear that i open my mouth and make them not care about me for a reason.
So I become more self centered because I feel like I need to insert myself even where it doesn't belong and I internalize everything. For instance this show had three reviews and despite the fact that i feel I put out a solid performance not one of them mentioned me and I was palpably hurt by that. The reviewers have no cause to write about me. I am a bit character who could have been written out. but I was still hurt.
I have felt this way since childhood. I would spend time looking in a mirror at the age of 8 wondering why I had to be me.
So a few years ago I did something about it. After feeling pushed around near the end of my marriage I decided that Gabriel wasn't gonna take any more shit. I was gonna give it. And since then I have become this character that will say exactly what he is feeling and not give a damn about what you say. He comes out in this blog and in uncomfortable situations and at parties and he says acerbic funny shit and everyone really likes him because he is alive and brilliant and fantastic.
But he isn't me.
I'm scared and alone in crowds and unsure of how to make it through this world and often just feel numb inside.
I need help.
even now as I type this I am holding back tears to be able to see the keys.
so I am at a party for the cast of this latest show and people are drinking and nude hot tubbing and letting go of all the shit that bothers them and there I stand alone drinking and hating myself. When a lovely friend of mine whom I care for dearly stands at the top of two steps drunk off her ass begging me to help her down so she doesn't fall. Behind her are people running around naked showing how little they care about what people think and there in that moment I went back to watching my friends get high and drunk and they are throwing up and laughing and crying and hoping that sober Gabe will keep them from harm. And I looked at this dear friend of mine and felt nothing but disdain.
I love her...but I hated her so purely in that moment.
And I actually had the audacity to think that these people didn't care about me. so I got out of there. And I went home and promptly got into a fight with my girlfriend. All she wanted to do was help but I wouldn't let her. I couldn't. I was being selfish and self hating and anyone who showed compassion for me was lying. And rather than having a good time and getting to spend quality time with the woman I love. I fell asleep bitter and full of apathy.
I awoke this morning crying. Feeling like I owed an explanation to people who knew nothing about what i had gone through. I know I am putting a lot out here and I am not sure why I even need to explain. There is nothing anyone can do for me. You can't make someone feel accepted. All you can do is create the environment and hope people get there on their own.
I guess I just needed to admit to someone that I had a problem before I intentionally destroy every relationship I have as proof that I don't belong.
I need help and I don't know what to do.
With deep and abiding affection
Gabriel
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
another interruption.
So now food has an opinion on current events. This blog should be so simple...but it isn't. You see I want things to be simple I wanna feel like there is a right and a wrong and that I tend to fall to what's right more than what is wrong. You know what makes it difficult? You people. The idea that a chicken restaurant hates gays makes you fucking salivate doesn't it. That a coffee company may not pay enough for coffee makes your eyes wider. That cookies show pride wakes an animal in you that you can't shake.
Let me dumb this down so you apes can get a clear picture. It's all marketing. It is all bullshit designed to make you buy shit or talk about shit. It is a distraction.
Let me spell it out another way. Companies are not people. they don't have opinions or political stances. they have business models and bottom lines. When you hear someone bad mouth starbucks it isn't because they care about farmers or people. It's usually from a person who works at an independent coffee retailer who has a superiority complex and would rather you walk through their doors than their competitors. When people yell about chick-fil-a hating gays it sends masses of gay hating fuckwits into stores to buy cheap ass chicken. When oreos print a picture of rainbow colored cream do you think its because they really like gays or is it because they want the publicity of conservatives yelling and homos in droves buying doublestuffs to take home before they doublestuff.
Really which is more likely?
That a company of several thousand workers all feel the exact same way about an issue, or that they wanna sell to a demographic?
The whole issue is designed to distract you. Not from some vast conspiracy, but from the fact that you could probably think more clearly without so much information. Without considering political factions I just might be able to get a goddamned convenient cup of coffee.
The reason it works is because everything in this fucked world is designed to cause a reaction. everything we say and every action we take is designed at some level to spark a reaction from everyone who hears it. People get shot and the first thing people wanna talk about is gun control for or against? Elections are disgusting and more and more we hear about the discourse in Washington and the breakdown of our political system. I don't know where to turn. Corporations have opinions and are people. politics is a cesspool and people are killing each other and its all shoved down your throats on the news and we wonder why it has to be this way. Then I saw it.
One man on CNN had the balls to look at his audience and say it was our fault.
Our fault.
YES! Yes it is our fault.
Because we love it so damn much. We love the conflict and the hatred an the intolerance so much that it just oozes out of us. we may clarify it with reason and with cause but it's still hatred. You all feel it. every day. This whole demented nation was founded on a bunch of white guys who said fuck you to their mother country and then pulled out guns in support of it.
I spew out bullshit because I am full of hate and anger about shit that doesn't even concern me half the time. It's truly pathetic on a level that I really am unable to deal with.We are obsessed with the distraction that we ourselves created.
And yet most of us still go to work still love our families and the system doesn't collapse. Because deep down we know it is all an illusion. The control the hate the anger...it doesn't really exist. We create it to distract us from the real questions in life because at heart we are afraid we are to dumb to answer them.
I hope one day I can go back to the person I was before the world and certain people in it filled me full of fear. I wasn't a crusader for anything I didn't care about much. I simply existed. Some might say my ignorance fed the ongoing machine to bring some down while lifting others up but really, name a society that doesn't do that. Even dogs have alphas and betas. Its the fear that kills us.
It's fear that is killing me.
Slowly, more and more every day. And the fact that you want to throw your "cause" in my face to distract me from dismantling the very thing that is killing me is so goddamned unfair it's indescribable. You want me to not eat tuna or release monkeys from labs or not buy chicken sandwiches and cookies and coffee and hate politician A as opposed to B. You want me to save the whales the rain forest the homeless the endangered and the deprived. You want me to stop forest fires littering and the destruction of the environment. you want me to cure and be aware of cancer and aids and ms and cerebral palsy. You want all of this and more and not once are we ever told to stop and take a look at our fears.
I don't care anymore.
I can't.
Go be heroes on your own. Strive to be batman or al gore without me.
I will be over here getting what little I can of my life back together and hoping that my wisdom and my work and my observances can help me and maybe a few others learn to make it in this world with a little more understanding. A little less fear.
It's what we need. and we may never get there. But no one can ever say that your life was lived in vain if you spent it trying to be a better person.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Let me dumb this down so you apes can get a clear picture. It's all marketing. It is all bullshit designed to make you buy shit or talk about shit. It is a distraction.
Let me spell it out another way. Companies are not people. they don't have opinions or political stances. they have business models and bottom lines. When you hear someone bad mouth starbucks it isn't because they care about farmers or people. It's usually from a person who works at an independent coffee retailer who has a superiority complex and would rather you walk through their doors than their competitors. When people yell about chick-fil-a hating gays it sends masses of gay hating fuckwits into stores to buy cheap ass chicken. When oreos print a picture of rainbow colored cream do you think its because they really like gays or is it because they want the publicity of conservatives yelling and homos in droves buying doublestuffs to take home before they doublestuff.
Really which is more likely?
That a company of several thousand workers all feel the exact same way about an issue, or that they wanna sell to a demographic?
The whole issue is designed to distract you. Not from some vast conspiracy, but from the fact that you could probably think more clearly without so much information. Without considering political factions I just might be able to get a goddamned convenient cup of coffee.
The reason it works is because everything in this fucked world is designed to cause a reaction. everything we say and every action we take is designed at some level to spark a reaction from everyone who hears it. People get shot and the first thing people wanna talk about is gun control for or against? Elections are disgusting and more and more we hear about the discourse in Washington and the breakdown of our political system. I don't know where to turn. Corporations have opinions and are people. politics is a cesspool and people are killing each other and its all shoved down your throats on the news and we wonder why it has to be this way. Then I saw it.
One man on CNN had the balls to look at his audience and say it was our fault.
Our fault.
YES! Yes it is our fault.
Because we love it so damn much. We love the conflict and the hatred an the intolerance so much that it just oozes out of us. we may clarify it with reason and with cause but it's still hatred. You all feel it. every day. This whole demented nation was founded on a bunch of white guys who said fuck you to their mother country and then pulled out guns in support of it.
I spew out bullshit because I am full of hate and anger about shit that doesn't even concern me half the time. It's truly pathetic on a level that I really am unable to deal with.We are obsessed with the distraction that we ourselves created.
And yet most of us still go to work still love our families and the system doesn't collapse. Because deep down we know it is all an illusion. The control the hate the anger...it doesn't really exist. We create it to distract us from the real questions in life because at heart we are afraid we are to dumb to answer them.
I hope one day I can go back to the person I was before the world and certain people in it filled me full of fear. I wasn't a crusader for anything I didn't care about much. I simply existed. Some might say my ignorance fed the ongoing machine to bring some down while lifting others up but really, name a society that doesn't do that. Even dogs have alphas and betas. Its the fear that kills us.
It's fear that is killing me.
Slowly, more and more every day. And the fact that you want to throw your "cause" in my face to distract me from dismantling the very thing that is killing me is so goddamned unfair it's indescribable. You want me to not eat tuna or release monkeys from labs or not buy chicken sandwiches and cookies and coffee and hate politician A as opposed to B. You want me to save the whales the rain forest the homeless the endangered and the deprived. You want me to stop forest fires littering and the destruction of the environment. you want me to cure and be aware of cancer and aids and ms and cerebral palsy. You want all of this and more and not once are we ever told to stop and take a look at our fears.
I don't care anymore.
I can't.
Go be heroes on your own. Strive to be batman or al gore without me.
I will be over here getting what little I can of my life back together and hoping that my wisdom and my work and my observances can help me and maybe a few others learn to make it in this world with a little more understanding. A little less fear.
It's what we need. and we may never get there. But no one can ever say that your life was lived in vain if you spent it trying to be a better person.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
Monday, July 30, 2012
open minded and closed opinioned
I have heard the statement all too often recently about being open minded or keeping an open mind. I have decided that those who throw this term around so loosely and spread it like jam over every argument are entirely and on the whole twat scum. They are for lack of a better term egotistical prick snot that usually has one opinion on every subject and that opinion is not subject to change.
The lament to keep an open mind is really one of self centered bastardy. It is a tactic designed to call into question the credibility of your argument while at the same time hinting that you are just genetically and intellectually incapable of discerning the truth.
The absolute truth is that no one is truly open minded.To be truly open minded a person would have to accept everything. No one fucking does that. Everyone takes a side. Everyone reading this is entirely biased, hateful, intolerant and such gigantic fuck mongrels that when faced with that possibility they flinch and then take there defensive stance against what I am about to say. You can't be open minded. It is impossible.
I believe that Gays should be able to get married and that abortions should be legal. That is my belief. I believe in it so strongly that when faced with the opposing viewpoint I may not argue, but I silently think to myself that that person is a total fuck head. Now 90% of my friends will agree with me. About 9% will agree with one point and not the other, and 1% will think that I am completely fuck stupid and should be castrated so that this never happens again. And if the 90% figured out who the 1% was they would probably look at him and say "hey buddy, you need to be more open minded." with no regard to how that person came to the belief that they did. They will automatically assume that person is stupid and closed minded to the truth. But that argument has no basis in logic you dumb fucks. It is just filler that incites anger and makes the other side want to hurt you physically.
So, what I am alluding to in this ever so short rant is that you fuckers need to get a better argument. As I continue to write this blog the ideas I will put out will not be as angry, but they will be just as controversial to the things you accept as truth. and I hope some of you who disagree with me will come up with a valid argument other than I should be more open minded.
The next person who says that shit to me I will mentally label as incompetent to function in a normal conversation. You have written me and my opinion off as detestable and not worth your time and I have no use for someone not willing to open the discourse and debate about these or any other beliefs. I may think you are completely fucking stupid for disagreeing with me but I will never discount your right to that opinion and I would certainly never assume with one turn of phrase that you were less than me.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
The lament to keep an open mind is really one of self centered bastardy. It is a tactic designed to call into question the credibility of your argument while at the same time hinting that you are just genetically and intellectually incapable of discerning the truth.
The absolute truth is that no one is truly open minded.To be truly open minded a person would have to accept everything. No one fucking does that. Everyone takes a side. Everyone reading this is entirely biased, hateful, intolerant and such gigantic fuck mongrels that when faced with that possibility they flinch and then take there defensive stance against what I am about to say. You can't be open minded. It is impossible.
I believe that Gays should be able to get married and that abortions should be legal. That is my belief. I believe in it so strongly that when faced with the opposing viewpoint I may not argue, but I silently think to myself that that person is a total fuck head. Now 90% of my friends will agree with me. About 9% will agree with one point and not the other, and 1% will think that I am completely fuck stupid and should be castrated so that this never happens again. And if the 90% figured out who the 1% was they would probably look at him and say "hey buddy, you need to be more open minded." with no regard to how that person came to the belief that they did. They will automatically assume that person is stupid and closed minded to the truth. But that argument has no basis in logic you dumb fucks. It is just filler that incites anger and makes the other side want to hurt you physically.
So, what I am alluding to in this ever so short rant is that you fuckers need to get a better argument. As I continue to write this blog the ideas I will put out will not be as angry, but they will be just as controversial to the things you accept as truth. and I hope some of you who disagree with me will come up with a valid argument other than I should be more open minded.
The next person who says that shit to me I will mentally label as incompetent to function in a normal conversation. You have written me and my opinion off as detestable and not worth your time and I have no use for someone not willing to open the discourse and debate about these or any other beliefs. I may think you are completely fucking stupid for disagreeing with me but I will never discount your right to that opinion and I would certainly never assume with one turn of phrase that you were less than me.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
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