Thursday, June 30, 2011

The best of me...

I woke up in a cold fucking sweat at 4 am this morning. A dream had awoken me and in a daze I took it for its literal meaning. the dream haunted me throughout the rest of my day. even though I knew it was a fictional occurrence, something about it wouldn't let me go.

So let me give you an accurate depiction of said dream.

I awoke in a two bedroom apartment that is unfamiliar to me. I am alone in my room and two things are known to me. One I am running late for work and two the love of life Kate is in the other bedroom with another man fucking, and I am supposed to be alright with this. Which of course I am not. I go to take a shower but for some reason the shower has become a storage area for miscellaneous objects. I begin to fling shit out of the shower and across the room swearing and screaming profusely. Kate and anonymous guy she is fucking stop to see what is wrong. It is then Kate tries to assure me nothing has changed while the naked douchebag tries to do the same. I am seething on the brink of homicide...

when I wake up. I am in my apartment. One bedroom. Kate is lying next to me. She assures me through her sleepiness that everything is fine. I am still the only one for her and that nothing has changed...

nothing has changed.

All day this feeling of sick depression was eating away at me. Then as I sat at my cubicle in my job two things hit me. One I have become remarkably good at hiding my emotions to get through work, and two was a reminder of something my mother once said to me. "Gabriel, no one lives in your head but you so it stands to reason that everyone in your dream is you."

I then realized that Kate had nothing to do with my feelings. I wasn't angry because some fictional version of her slept with another person. I was angry because that is what I had done more or less to my ex wife.

I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheater. That isn't me. And no matter how justified I felt in my actions and no matter how happy I am that I ended up where I am today, it still eats away at me that somehow I could manage to cause so much chaos and discontent through my actions.

Believe me when I say that I am not sorry about where I ended up at. I like my life right now. It's not perfect but I have everything I need. But I caused a lot of pain to certain people that I never meant to cause and for that...

I am sorry.

I can only promise to do better.

I know that I am not angry and spouting off about some injustice or stupidity in the world...I just felt it was important that I say something.

because in reality...everything has changed. Because I can be better.

With deep and abiding affection,