Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Are you aware...

I was at work yesterday and for those of you who don't know, I do 24 hour in home care for autistic adults. As a rule I don't normally bring up work in these posts because I don't shit where I eat but since its directly related I will make this exception.

We had to go to Wal-mart to get a few things and outside the store was a woman. A woman standing next to a table with raffle tickets for purchase. Raffle tickets that went towards...autism awareness. Now if you are completely fucking stupid you might think that this was a cute little story of coincidence, but then you would not fully grasp how an asshole like myself perceives these things.

This woman looked at me and my coworker and said hello to us. I said hello back but I stared intensely at this woman for a good 10 seconds. I wanted so badly for this bitch to ask me if I knew anything about autism and its sufferers while I had two autistic adults in tow. As I looked at her I could tell she probably wanted to, just to help out the cause. If she herself had any knowledge of autism it did not shine through. But as I thought about it I remembered her cause. Awareness.

Who the fuck goes out of their way to promote awareness? "Excuse me sir/madam, but are you aware that there are things in the world that are bad? Specific things that hurt a bunch of people and make life harder for said people everyday? Oh you are? OK. Well buy a fucking raffle ticket and try and win our goodie basket."

Fuck you people. I am not going to waste my time on awareness. I know what you are thinking...I am an awful person who doesn't care about the plight and misery of others. And you are right. I don't care. Now is handing out buttons at rallies or selling t-shirts or buying the chicken soup with the breast cancer logo gonna help ease my liberal guilt. No it isn't. Is sending a check to a research center going to help possibly? It might, but I am fucking poor so that is out of the question.

No, it would seem the only thing that people who aren't able to send money to organizations or do the actual science necessary to figure out causation for these afflictions is to be little fucking cheerleaders.

Now lets be clear. I am not saying that awareness is a total loss. I know really good people afflicted by shit that hardly anyone has ever heard of. Awareness that those conditions exist and are in need of some study and funding for such studies is immensely necessary.

My issue is with the crotch goblins who promote breast cancer awareness and other things that everyone already knows about. Breast cancer is fucking everywhere. Its almost a business in itself. These people should almost want breast cancer to not have a cure. So they can continue to sell t-shirts with cute phrases and bottles of salad dressing. For fucks sake there is an entire month of breast cancer awareness. The fucking stores change their decor to fit the celebration. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

We will just save the other months of the year for every other fucking kind of cancer. What color ribbon is it for every other cancer? I bet you don't fucking know.

We have reached the point when awareness is more important than actual science. We would rather throw a party than actually cure anything. Because the one thing I never hear from the awareness junkies is what progress has been made. Yeah you raised such and such for charity but where is the progress that money achieved. You don't know? Somebody ought to fucking know and they need to crawl out of their fucking hole and tell us. Because if I have to see a woman wearing another pink shirt with 20000 ribbons on it. sporting pink sunglasses, a pink fucking feather boa, a feathery hat and holding a sign up with the same cute catchphrase that her shirt has on it for the rest of my life...I just might lose it one day.

"I'm sorry are you aware about all these diseases?" Yes I am. Are you aware that you are a fucking useless cock blister? I am waiting. No, I don't want to win a pink vespa. So nice that the proceeds you wanted to help cure the disease you're fighting went towards the purchase of a pink vespa that could be won in a contest.

Fuck you!

With deep and abiding affection,

Friday, October 22, 2010

well its that time of year again...

I am a pirate at heart. I love adventure. I love the water and i love rum and a good piece of steel. I even like a little violence now and again, but we have reached a time that makes me cringe.


Now I love the holiday it is awesome to get free candy and to see what every girl is going to dress up as the slutty version of. But I fucking hate horror films. I don"t like them at all. I just don't understand this fucking desire by a large amount of the general public to feel an emotion that is supposed to be one of warning and alarm. Why the fuck is this logical to anyone.

And yet every Halloween I am bombarded by fright fests and chilltacular extravaganzas. And no place is safe. I cant watch comedy central without a fucking commercial where someone is being mutilated. What the fuck is wrong with you people.

Now I know some of you gore hounds out there are going to say that they aren't that scary and I am just being a chickenshit. FUCK YOU! Your opinion is fucking subjective and you deserve to have a hot clam chowder enema for suggesting that your opinion is gospel.

Now listen to me, clit monkeys. If you like horror that is your fucking business. I appreciate some of the genre. But I think that horror needs to be treated like porn. You shouldn't bring it out at the party. Unless everyone agrees that its something to see. And everyone agrees not to pleasure themselves to it. OK maybe not so much that last bit for horror.

But I digress. I don't think that my taste in anything should be questioned. Or anyone else's taste. I am not a coward because I don't like to be scared. Any more so than you are a fucking chauvinistic tampon sniffer if you don't like romantic comedy. Your judgement is fucked. So is everyone else's.

I think that slasher flicks are the worst movies on the planet. Not just because of the fucking subject, no. Not a single one of them has decent dialogue or even believable characters. I mean seriously how many times was Jamie Lee Curtis gonna set the sharp object down right next to the "surely dead" Micheal Myers? It must've been like 5 times. But I will not question those people who want to watch that shit. They like it. That is fine. Just don't expect me to show up if that is the activity for the night. You take a butcher knife and shove it right up your ass! Or just copy what you saw in one of those movies you jackholes!

With deep and abiding affection,

P.S. Thanks again to the Bruce for his wonderful contribution. I am never washing my hands again. Now come over here and shake my hand bitches!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

In defense of the littlest guy

So here I am talking to a coworker.  We are determining what we are going to be doing for the next week with all the students and their science curriculum.  And it happens.  That tickle starts at the back of my sinuses and eventually it works its way up to a full blown sneeze.  As I was properly trained I turn my head and cover my face with the inside of my arm so as not to spray anyone or anything.  And then there is the look, the look on my coworker’s face when she recognizes the action.  She stops talking and takes four steps back.  The germs have been released!
Ok, seriously?  FOUR STEPS BACK?  What the fuck?  And then I realize… she is one of them. She’s one of those “oh my god I cannot even think about being near anything that might contain a modicum of bacteria on it because it might spontaneously multiply and turn into a giant ME-eating monster and devour my soul in one bite” type of people.  A fucking germaphobe.
I’m sorry, but this seems to me to one of the most fucktastically ridiculous things in the world to me.  Germs.  You are afraid of germs?  Holy shit, what sort of scrub-your-ass-down-with-bleach parent did you have?  There are some phobias that make sense.  Acrophobia – fear of heights.  Ok, I understand that one.  It makes sense that people don’t like being in places where they may potentially fall and splatter their innards all over the pavement like a giant human Rorschach test.  Hell, even the fear of the dark makes sense.  It’s not the dark but whatever ass-raping, limb tearing thing that might be hiding within it.  Yeah, I can understand that fear too.  I am rather attached to my ass not being pillaged or having my arms used as a bludgeoning weapon against me.
But who in the fuck needs to be afraid of some little microscopic creature that truly has no fucking clue if you exist.  To them you are simply the big ass thing they happen to live upon.  You are no more under attack from them as the Earth is from us. I see these people everywhere.  They are constantly wiping and washing everything.  A person opens the door, they have to wipe it down. Someone coughs they move as far away as possible. Hell, if somebody even just looks a little under the weather they practically ostracize the person for fear that there might be any physical contact where they might spread whatever life-devouring disease they may have.  Being obsessive compulsive is one thing, but this takes it to a level that is seriously fucking ridiculous.
Did you know that in the human mouth alone there are more bacteria than there are humans on the entire planet?  Over 6 billion of those little thingies alone are there in your pie hole.  You know… that thing that you kiss your loved ones with.  They have already found over 600 different kinds in there.  So, if you are a person who has to wipe a door handle at the end of the day, or disinfect everything within your room at least every hour… how are you able to handle the disgustingness of your own mouth?  Oh, and then that “kiss” thing?  You can do that (and other more interesting things) with loved ones mouth, but you feel the need to pull out the antibacterial hand soap at the first sign of a sniffle? Holy crap! Really?
And what about the rest of your body? Scientists, who apparently have way too much time on their hands, have determined that we have over 100,000,000,000,000 (100 trillion or ten to the 14th power) bacteria residing on and within our bodies. Most of them are benign and some of them are even helpful.  We have tons of flora inside our guts that aid in digestion.  I just don’t get it.
These things are all just part of life. They just happen to be a hell of a lot smaller than rest of us.  How is that that so many people have decided that they need to shit their panties anytime they may come in contact with them?  I mean, get a fucking clue!  YOU ARE A GOD-DAMNED WALKING MASS OF BACTERIA! They outnumber all the cells of your pestilent body 10:1.  And that’s just on YOU, not counting the rest of the world out there.  If there are 100 trillion bacteria on/in each person, then take that number and multiply it by the entire human population. And then, add to it all the bacteria on every other living creature, and then add those in the environments.  How could anyone be so drastically stupid that they think they could avoid bacteria?
So, before you go out and attempt to commit mass murder by dousing your entire body with antibacterial hand wash, think about what you are doing.  All you are managing is to kill of the weaker bacteria, leaving your body as a massive breeding ground for all of the survivors to take over and repopulate.  Imagine that!  All those little monsters breeding all over your fucking skin while you frantically scrub the tables, toilet, doorknobs, windows, or pretty much anything that a walking germ factory like yourself has already touched.  Really, if it is that much of an issue that you have to adopt completely OCD tendencies just to feel as if you are not going to have the germs running rampant everywhere, do us a favor… The next time you douse yourself with the hand gel just dump the entire bottle on your head.  Make sure it covers your entirely fucking vapid head, and then set fire to it. 
Really.   Just think of all the bacteria you’ll be getting rid of. And then when you’re gone I’ll sneeze on your corpse to give the germs a fighting chance.
With deep and abiding affection,
The Bruce

Monday, October 18, 2010

hello all

I have been pretty pressed for time because I am moving this week but it isn't fair to keep you all waiting for a new post. The only problem is that I haven't had time to think about anything to to talk about. My eyes have not really been open to the outside world.

This week has been all about action rather than talking. Something I haven't been very good at in my life. But I am beginning to grow an understanding about what it means to be an action person...its expensive.

I hate money and I hate spending money and I hate having to have a job to get money. I hate any system that forces me to do something. The phrase I hate most in life is "have to" The minute someone says I have to do something I shut down. Fuck that! The one saving grace I should get from being an adult is that I should be able to do whatever I fucking want without some ass dumpling getting in my way.

Even worse is when i say it to myself. When I make a list of things I have to do is when you see me at my most frustrated. Moving to a new place has brought this out of me even more. I could've been completely packed days ago but I did other things to avoid the "have to" issue.

Anyhow, It isn't really feasible to have a rant about the fact that I want to do what I want when I want. That is every one's goal. I guess it just means I am frazzled and feeling out of my element. But I have a saving grace. This Wednesday is my birthday and I have asked my friend the Bruce to blog for me and get out his anger at a topic. Perhaps his particular brand of poison will help refresh my batteries and bring me new things to rage about. Until then I "have to" get to work.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, October 14, 2010

A gift.

Greetings all.

I am in a fantastic mood today and yet I have to write yet another venomous blog post. somehow though it just isn't in me today. I have thought long and hard about my tone and content in this blog and I am glad I have this place. It adds to the security that I can say what I want without too many people giving me shit for it.

But the pirates life isn't all just slitting throats. There is a time when the battle is won that you can drink and dance and be merry. Today is one of those days.

I have made some victories and can feel freedom in my grasp. I have slain some enemies and received riches in turn.

It is soon time to drink copiously and dance til I fall down. To sing songs and to laugh deeply like I haven't laughed in a long time. Soon It will be time to set sail again and fight more battles but is calm waters and rejoicing.

Today is what all the fighting was for. For love and freedom. Is there anything better?

With deep and abiding affection,

Monday, October 11, 2010

suck it.

You are a self centered prick! You are selfish! You don't do shit around the house! You aren't a good friend. Your family will disapprove of you and your choices. You owe me!

These are all words that have been spoken in my direction. All of them add up to one message:

Gabriel, you are worthless.

I spent the better part of yesterday feeling sorry for my fucking worthless life. I asked others to help me out and they stuck their fingers in the dam of my self confidence. But in the end, my fear and doubt broke through. Leaving me a drowning man in my neuroses.

Then this morning it hit me. When I was all alone. I thought of something the wise man in my head always says.


I do absolutely everything that I can in my power to do exactly what I was meant to do. Make my life happy and worth living. I don't always do the best job, but fuck it! Neither does anyone else. I am sick of these cunt juicers and cum spitters telling me that I am worthless because I don't do what they want or what they think is right. It is the very definition of hypocrite to scream at me for thinking of myself and not thinking of you first.

I will be forever of the mindset that the most important person in MY fucking life is me. I love others. I do what I can for them and I try to be good. But if I don't take care of myself first then how will I be able to take care of anyone else. So for your approval, and suggestions as to further inclusions, I give you a small example of part of my honor code. A little known section of principles I call:

 the selfish bastard rules.

Rule 1: When in doubt...fuck 'em. You are not responsible for other peoples lives and if they give you any reason to doubt yours...fuck 'em they ain't worth the trouble.

Rule 2: Never do a favor for anyone without getting something in return. Why fucking wait for repayment or the possibility that the other person will ever show gratitude? Get it up front so you get something out of it and no one is fucking owed anything.

Rule 3: If you want something...take it. This one has some exceptions I shouldn't have to fucking spell it out for you jokers. But if what you want is out there and you can get it without harming anyone. Go get the fucking thing. If someone else wanted it. Too bad. They should've been faster.

Rule 4: Don't feel bad for taking personal time. The entire world tells people who are parents and full time workers to make sure that you take time out for yourself. Then they castigate them for actually doing it. Should you find yourself in this situation...remember rule one.

These are just the first few of these. If anyone out there is of the same mindset I would be happy to take down your suggestions for more rules. I eventually want to write them down and hand them to people as a guide for those who are stretched too thin in the service of others.

"You are a self centered prick Gabriel!" To me this statement and others like it will forever mean that I do what I must to make myself happy. And if you can't understand that then fuck you. I will not apologize to a self righteous waste of fucking time like you. I hope you get ass raped by a hot muffler.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, October 7, 2010

got a few short topics tonight.

To all of you who read last nights blog and then contacted me personally I would like to thank you for your worry and just say this...Are you fucking insane? I tell you people to wish me well and you actually contact me to do it? I just finished saying that i was willing to cause random acts of violence so the first thing you fucking geniuses do is contact me. You fuckers probably run towards the sound of gunfire too. Fucking hell!

Now for my real topics. I have recently been yelled at for not answering my phone or text messages.
Again I ask, what the fuck is wrong with these people? The phone is a tool nothing more and I will use mine how I see fit. Just because I go out and buy a hammer doesn't mean I have to use the fucking thing all the damn time.

And yet for some, their phone is their life they must always be connected. You know it wasn't that long ago that the only phone you had was in your house, and it most of the time was attached to an answering machine. If you weren't home you missed the call and maybe they left a message. Now people act like I have raped their mother if I don't answer my phone. Just because the fucking thing is with me doesn't mean I wanna talk you prick maggots. Fuck off, and leave a message.

And lastly I am sick to death of the ridiculous trend of making words cuter. This is my real problem the past few days. I have heard a number of words made cuter by shortening them and it drives me fucking nuts.

Ms. Racheal Ray can choke on a horse cock if I have to hear her say sammies instead of sandwiches anymore. Its not cute its irritating. Along with the other food network bitch, who gives a fuck what her name is, who had an entire show where she made chicken drumsticks. But could we leave it at that? No. She must have said the phrase "yummy chicken drummies" at least 50 times. By the end I was going to stab her in the eye with a sharpened bone.

This is a continued plea to re-lengthen our vocabularies. You sound like jackasses when you say these things. its not cute from you. If a 4 year old said it I would accept it. But you are a fucking adult. You sound like a dipshit. Talk to me like an adult. Not like I am somehow too stupid to understand big people words you condescending smegma lickers.

Yeah I know I sound like an old man telling you to get off his lawn but I don't give a porcupines left ball. You can't expect me to be clever all the time.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


Today was marvelous. I had the best time i have had in awhile. but there is an issue eating at me and I cannot tell what it is. it has crawled into my brain and is worming around just in the periphery. Despite such a wonderful day I am full of an anger that could bring down a house. I want to find random people and beat them senseless. I want to find a heavy metal object and wreak havoc. I want to cause pain on an epic scale and I don't even know why.

Actually I do know why. but I cannot say. my rage has become so unfocused that I have no blog topic. I cannot put it into words. There is no succinct bit of wisdom there is no witty remark. Just the white hot blinding anger that has made me lose my train of thought and feel only hatred. Even to those I love dearly.

I cannot make heads or tails of this but knew it must be documented. I will sit and attempt to quiet my soul. I ask those of you reading to wish me the best. For surely I will need it.

I will be fine

With deep and abiding affection,

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I've had enough!

I'm sick of the hate. I am tired of the stigma. I'm pissed at the anti gay way of thinking. There isn't one argument from these dick smocks that holds any fucking water. Let's dispose of them now.

Some argue it is against nature. That the physical act of love between two of the same gender isn't natural. Neither is sweet n low you fat fucks! But the argument is flawed Whether its brain chemistry that causes homosexuality or choice it isn't your fucking choice. So shut your fucking cake hole!

Some argue that it's all recruitment that ruins the family and homosexuals are predators looking to convert you and your children to the lifestyle. If that is true then where are the news stories about recruitment posters and roving gangs of marauding fags? Not once have I gotten a phone call or a piece of mail saying "Would you please help out the gay and lesbian alliance with a donation, and may we please fuck you in the ass."

And finally the religious argument. Fuck you! The one place the bible specifically mentions homosexual activity is in the old testament in Leviticus.

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. - Leviticus 20:13

This set of laws was put into place for the Jews a long fucking time ago. We in America don't subscribe to religious law anymore. We grew up. We realized we can have a system that we create and is open to interpretation. Rather than the iron clad, immovable laws from a god we've never seen.

It may not be perfect, but at least the people who wrote our laws can fucking change them when they don't work out.

Can we please stop this? People are dying. They are being tortured and killed or committing suicide all the time. All because they aren't allowed the freedom to be who they are without fear of social and sometimes actual suicide. What else can they do? It can't go back into hiding.

The anti gay fuckface agenda argues that it is too much in their face. I don't think they understand that the fucking heterosexual lifestyle is exactly the same.

Sex is in everyones face and we better get used to it. Sex is great. People want it. And in order to get it they have to be allowed to ask for it without fear of physical and emotional harm. That means awkward moments and uncomfortable silences. It also means love and awesome fucking orgasms for more people. I will take both good and bad if it means we stop the trend of death and fear.

Get over it, you fucking hateful shit burgers! If you don't like it shove it up your ass. Literally. It just might open your eyes. Fag!

With deep and abiding affection,