Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It's election season...fuck my face.

Well mid-term election time is here. It seems like every year we get a chance to vote on some really major issues. Like this years move to repeal the candy and cigarette tax. You know...hot button issues.


I cannot stand the endless parade of bullshit that makes it into my world. I have already said my peace about the signs on the roadside. My focus now is commercials. The mindless quagmire that proceeds to feed me everything I my need to know in a minute or less. I mean really how much nothing can you fucking say.

I watch as politicians left and right (politically and geographically) Jump into the media with nothing but some unthought out bullshit to spout to the general public. Yes I am aware of the irony, fuck off. I actually think about shit before I say it. Not once have I said anything that I wasn't willing to back up with fact or apologize for being wrong. Not once have I created a word that doesn't exist.

Yes Ms. Palin I am afraid "refudiate" is not an actual word you fucking dolt. Didn't you quit by the way. You lead exactly jackshit and have the intelligence of a jellyfish lying on a beach with a stick in it. Why do I still have to hear you speak. I know the answer is because you are so arbitrarily mind numbing that the media wants to put you on television for the punchline so many get from it.

And she isn't the only one. I watched a fucking commercial today where the douchebag running for senator during a thirty second spot talked about how he grew up in this country working hard with a loving family and that is why he is so angry with what is going on in the senate. He then talked about why he should be elected for exactly 2 seconds before stating his name and then saying he approved this message.

First off dickless everyone is pissed off at what is happening in government for some reason or other. whether they came from a good family and worked hard or not. Just because you live your American dream doesn't mean you are any better at running the country. Secondly...I KNOW YOU APPROVE THE MESSAGE FUCKFACE YOU JUST SAID IT!

I swear you have to be a special kind of stupid to run for office. I am not old enough to remember a president  or any other politician in my sphere who knew enough to just say what they thought and leave it at that. It has all either been prettied up with words about the family or the country or with speeches that try to make the person seem smarter or just as smart as your average Joe. Or it has been sprayed with the slime of negativity so foul it makes you wonder why we aren't roaming around in a post apocalyptic hellscape by now, dueling each other for the chance to wear a crown of leadership in the tribe.

No wonder politicians are a joke. By the way politicians it is no longer cute for you to make fun of yourselves it's just sad. go back to school and do something worthwhile. Go learn to be useful.

I am just tired of having to deal with the shit you people throw at us. It is all a waste of time until you grow the necessary body parts required for you to lead a country.

Until then how about you work on coloring inside the lines. And when your bored with that you can all have graham crackers and read a book suitable for your grade level. I hear George W. knows a good one that won't be over your fucking heads. Something about a pet goat. Fuckers.

With deep and abiding affection,

Monday, August 30, 2010

Religion part 4: The book of Gabreality

The Icelandic people have the myth of the hidden people. A group of little elves living in the rocks and other natural places. this in itself is a cute little story until you learn that entire highways and buildings have to have a special surveyor there to see if the project is going to upset the habitat of the hidden people. Should it affect their habitat then you are not cleared to build there. The country has had several surveys taken and the people who thought there existence was possible was at 31% in 2006. That is just belief in "possible". There were 16.5 % who said it was likely and 8% who were certain of hidden people existence. Even the surveyors noted that most people would neither confirm nor deny an existence of hidden people.

Now most of you are thinking this is a fascinating culture but there is no possible way that this can be true. Really elves living in the rocks and trees? That is ridiculous. If that were true that place would be swimming in cookies. So Icelanders are, for the most part, fucking crazy.

Now If I started on the Mormon philosophy or the preaching of Scientology or the teachings of Jehovah's Witnesses. Your reactions would be exactly the same. Those fuckers are fucking crazy.

So why is it impossible for some of you people out there to accept that other people think you are insane for believing in an omnipresent being who created the earth in 6 days then took a nap? Why is that so hard? Religious tolerance is what you expect from everyone and yet you don't have the courtesy to even allow for the thought of hidden people in your garden outside. At its very core religion keeps you bound to one set of rules. No matter what, different religious thoughts and philosophies are going to disagree. Yet disagreements in religion are so volatile that we fight each other over them. And for what? For fucking NOTHING that's what.

So hear is the gospel of Gabreality:

Shut your fucking mouth!

Your opinion doesn't hold water. It means less than shit. Believe in unicorns if you want. Believe in Norse and Greek mythologies if you want. Just shut up about it. There are literally a million things to talk about that don't end up with someone wanting to beat the shit out of you for questioning their belief.

After all, it says in the book of Matthew:

6:1 “Be careful not to display your righteousness merely to be seen by people. Otherwise you have no reward with your Father in heaven.

6:5 “Whenever you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, because they love to pray while standing in synagogues and on street corners so that people can see them. Truly I say to you, they have their reward.

6:6 But whenever you pray, go into your room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father, who sees in secret, will reward you.


There are people who I have known for years. I still don't know what their beliefs are. It hasn't affected my friendship with them in any way.

If you wanna talk about religion, ask the people around you if that is an acceptable subject of conversation. Then don't take any disagreements personally. Unless you are at church then you shouldn't have to ask.
Speaking of which, stop inviting me to your church. I don't wanna go. I will literally just create havoc because you invited me in. It's what I do. It's how I stay sane. Besides I won't change my mind.
Lastly, if you take away anything I have said in this entire blog, please let it be that you are not better than anyone else. You are not the chosen people of god. You are not the light of the world. Despite what you think, you are one of us. One of the regular people. Despite fame, money, or abilities you are just a human being. That is all I am. Just another stupid fuckass in my way who can't drive properly. Which is all that I am to the person behind me on the road.
With deep and abiding affection,

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Religion part 3: Fuck Karma!

I am about to shut down karma and I wanted to get some facts straight. After all Karma is one of those terms thrown about by people of all religions. Some form or another of it shows up in the teachings of every philosophy.

Its a good theory. The idea that if you act like a good person in this life you will be rewarded at some point for it by a greater intelligence. That is right atheists, this is beyond you. In order to believe in Karma by the textbook meaning you must believe in a superior being. So if my atheist friends are reading this, I don't wanna hear this come out of your mouth anymore, you fucking hypocrite. Yes I know you can try to believe in karma as a governing law of your life without believing in god. Some people still choose to see it as a law of nature. So here is what I feel is wrong there.

The problem I have with Karma is the idea in practice. If you are a great person. If you are sweet and loyal and kind and generous you should receive that in kind from the world around you. The problem is If you believe karma will come to your rescue for being a good person, YOU ARE FUCKING WRONG!

Karma has nothing to do with the actions of other people. It is unable to break the free will of people around you. Someone near you acting like a dick will still be a fucking dick no matter how nice you come across. The person is a dick. Get over it. This is not your fault. We automatically assume that Karma can help if we've been good. But even if you were someone, who gave a million dollars to diseased orphans, and walked down a dark street directly afterward. Then, as you walk, you cross paths with a rapist/mugger. Chances are you are still gonna get raped/mugged, despite having done such a fabulous deed.

Now true believers might argue that maybe you are being punished by the universe for donating simply to get the tax write off. Your intention wasn't pure so it didn't count and that is why evil has beset you. Fuck off! The person in the scenario did a lot of good, despite intention, and still got raped and stabbed and had their jewelry stolen.

They also got a cold when their jacket was stolen by the rapist/mugger.

So if Karma doesn't work in the same life, surely it must work in your next life. This is a question no one can fucking answer. Does being a good person get you into heaven or reincarnate you into a rich person in your next life? Does being bad send you to hell or make you an amoeba in the next life? No one knows.

Personally, and this is just my belief. I believe we are all ruled by perception of events. What is evil, but an injustice done to others. And that same injustice is perceived as a profit by the person committing it. Often for their greater good. Its all in how you look at it.

Therefore evil cannot exist as a constant. Meaning that injustice will not necessarily be punished, and all of your attempts to lead a good life can be rewarded by being fucked over by every person who walks past. Because after all you were overly trusting of bad people, and that in itself brings bad karma.

It should not be a crime to be stupid. It should only be a crime to be stupid and not do anything about it.

So please stop telling me about karma. Because I have seen enough of my good friends get fucked by the world after having been so incredibly sweet and generous to everyone they have met. Just to get to some invisible prize in the next life.

Karma is just another excuse used to place blame and redirect responsibility. You are responsible if your life sucks. Do something about it fuckface. I will be over here starting fights with people who have done nothing to me and not receiving any comeuppance. Ha ha fucking ha

With deep and abiding affection,

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Religion Part 2 : Starting fights

No religion exists in moderation.

A conversation with a friend of mine about Islam opened my eyes a little bit. He was telling me about Shari'a law, (the laws followed by Islam) and the basic human rights violations that exist within it. The oppression of women and so forth. It was his intention to convince me, I believe, that at its heart Islam is a religion steeped in violence. Also that they cannot exist as moderate Muslims while still following such laws. Without having done the research it is a safe assumption to make. However this is not what opened my eyes.

Further rumination on the subject made me say to myself, "Hang on a minute. Jews have oppressed women since the beginning. Christians can be fascists as well."

therefore it is my intention to show you, the reader, that every religion or faith has a history of violence.That each has a tendency to turn its followers into warriors from the very beginning. Don't believe me? Go tell an everyday christian that their beliefs are bullshit and watch them begin to froth at the mouth. Then watch as they look for something fucking heavy to hit you with. The same with Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims and followers of Oprah.

Lets start with the biggest hypocrites there are. Early Christian history contains so many stories of fucked up thinking. Yet these fuckers just try to gloss over them and hope you don't notice. Followers of Christ forgot the so called lessons of there savior in order to kill Muslims, Jews and every other motherfucker who had a different opinion.

The Crusades! Where Christians invaded entire fucking regions in order to spread the love of Jesus with axes, swords, and arrows. The Inquisition! Where it was perfectly OK to torture non-believers and converts until they died, or you were satisfied that the fucker was telling the truth.

Oh, but that was oh so long ago. Christians in the last few hundred years learned there lesson didn't they? Cut to: The Reformation! Where protestants and catholics began their tradition of killing each other. A trend that has continued in lovely places like Belfast, Ireland. The witch trials of Salem! Where there were the burning of heretics. A lovely past time that has been in Christianity since the beginning. Need newer examples? The fucking Holocaust! The Nazis were not Buddhists or Muslim they were god (and apparently Jew) fearing Christians. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

But Gabriel...that was so long ago still. How about now? Surely Christians are more tolerant now. Cut to: News stories about abortion clinics bombed. Matthew Shepard and others like him tortured, humiliated and killed. Love peddling Christians were behind Jim Crow and separatism in this country. And they still hate witches. My God they hate them some witches!

But don't worry there are moderate Christians these are all stories of radicals. Gee, where have I heard this story before? Oh yeah!


Now I will admit I don't know much about the Islamic faith and can't really speak to the central beliefs of the Qu'ran. What I do know is this. Women are oppressed. Free speech is oppressed. Dissenting opinions are fucking oppressed. Homosexuality is oppressed. Racism runs rampant.

Need more? OK. Women are inferior to men. Just ask any Muslim woman who has been mangled or killed for disrespecting the family. Ask any woman who has been denied a job or an education how equal they are politically or socially with their male counterparts. Free speech? Ask the Danes about the ability to depict Mohammad. Homosexuality? Is there a religion on earth that has fully accepted gays anywhere? Dissenting opinion? It is against the Shari'a law to question god. I will let you conjure the punishment for such a hideous crime as say possibly questioning whether or not you wanna stay Muslim.

And Racism. You might argue the fact that the Qu'ran preaches being color blind. Yet I see a lot of hatred between Arabs, Palestinians, Pakistanis, and Asian cultures that follow a color-blind doctrine.

And notice, I went through that whole tirade without even mentioning Islamo-fascists! Something you just need to turn on the news to hear about.


We apparently can't talk about Jews They have gone through so much shit in their existence, from both of the preceding faiths, that they get a free pass.

FUCK YOU! How many goddamned stories do I have to hear about the conflicts between Palestinians and Israelis. Between Lebanon and Israel. Between Israel and the entire god damned middle east region. There is no way that an entire race of people exist for this long with starting a few fights. There is no innocence to be had in the middle east when it comes to their leaders. How long will that violence be perpetuated on BOTH sides.

A friend of mine once told me a story about her visit to Israel where a man who was a Palestinian was invited to tell the group his feelings about Israel. The man was very convincing in his hatred. Then it was revealed the man was not Palestinian. He was an Israeli actor looking to portray the sort of opposition that Israel gets from its enemies.

I'm sorry, but that sounds an awful lot lot indoctrination tactics. Never let it be said that the Jews learned nothing from the Nazis.

Just as a side note: My friend is Jewish and the talk being given was a new feature to group discussions on Israel, and the following question and answer afterward led to the agreement that this feature SHOULD NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN AGAIN!

And while that may be truth, and that form of indoctrination isn't being used anymore. Let me just assert that some dumbass had the idea to do it in the first place. It won't be the last bonehead decision made by the Jewish people or the last bonehead in generalto think of these kinds of exercises either. In Israel or any other country.

In summation:

Buddhists monks are kung fu warriors. Hindus created there own caste system. And Oprah is a mouthy bitch who I can't wait until she retires.

Every religion is steeped in violence and the oppression of part of its population. And while terror and violence are the realm of extremists and fascists. Lets just ask ourselves how these beliefs can be twisted into the fucking evil actions of sociopaths and psychopaths. If the inclination was not bred into them in the first place.

And how can these actions all be attributed to a god that NO ONE HAS EVER FUCKING SEEN!
And it is the same god by the way. So if this is what it takes to follow him? He is an evil prick!

With deep and abiding affection,

Friday, August 27, 2010

Religion:a multi part series, part 1

"I believe in freedom of religion. Believe what you want. Just don't push your religion on me."

How many times have you heard someone say it? How many times have you said it? Now think what that phrase means. Now think about what actually happens when you say it to a believer. Do they leave you alone? Not once. Never. fucking ever.

No their eyes glaze over in the rapture of the challenge. The challenge of bringing you into the fold. It doesn't fucking matter what you say then. Until you lie to them and say "Hallefuckinglujah I believe!" OR are burying them in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks, do they finally go away.

And I have heard every joke in the book. on how to answer the door. What to say to scare or befuddle them. How to dress, etc.

Well I have had it. I don't want to evade anymore. So this is my statement for people peddling Jesus and the rest of his holy gang of do-gooders.

I don't fucking like you. In actual point of fact I cannot summon the interest to like you or hate you.In most cases I don't know you. So if I don't listen to this crap from my loved ones there is no fucking prayer for you.

And guess what, I don't like the self help section either. The religion I grew up with preached tenants of tolerance and that god was within us all. Then I watched as my religious beliefs were boiled down into the fucking "secret". I watched some of the basic spiritual principles I grew up with become a fucking punchline. So some douchebag with no imagination and the ability to repackage shit could make a million dollars, and meet Oprah.

Now my beliefs are my own. I will talk about them when asked, but my faith is my own. God however is not a certainty in my mind. I am still not sure if I believe that there is an intelligence behind all this. Or if this is just the nature of how things work inevitably.

I am not sure if those of you believers out there know why you believe. I mean a faith you don't question makes you a mindless follower and in any other circumstance the human "free will" will fight against being made a slave. But I am starting to think it is because you needed answers. Religion is beautiful. Its answers are simple. It is easy. It requires no more than your faith.

However it requires no less than your whole fucking existence.

Let me settle this now for you people looking at your screen funny. You want answers? You don't look into religion or even the philosophy du jour because those cost too much for such an invisible and late coming payoff. Find answers in your own enrichment. Learn to paint or act or play an instrument. Go to business school. Become a doctor or lawyer or a plumber or welder. Do what is gonna make you happy in your life. We live on this fucking planet to experience all it has to offer and do our best to get a long.

This world has so much better shit to experience than some shit we made up about magic and miracles.

Over the next several posts I will go into this further. Until then I will leave you with a paraphrased quote from David Mamet to make up my quota. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...fuck!"

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, August 26, 2010

F your face! and F your car!

I hate facial piercings. I hate them with a passion that burns when I pee. There was a time when I allowed for this sort of thing. It is cute on some and not on others type thing. But I am retracting and saying that they are just fucking ugly. Accessories are supposed to enhance your features not destroy them. For fucks sake spend your money on useful shit.
I believe everyone on earth would be a lot richer if it weren't for shit like facial piercings and decorations for your car.

The nose and eyebrow ring don't make you look better it just makes your hideousness more noticeable.

All I really wanna say is if you are ugly, don't make it worse. If you are pretty, don't fuck it up. If you are somewhere in between. This is not gonna push you into the realm of pretty its just gonna make it look like a mini scene from hellraiser broke out on your face.

And just as a side note about cars and the decorations therein...You, the douchebag with the tremendous bass and the million inch rims...every other car on the road wants to take a fucking shotgun to your car and pull the trigger till your ride is just metal confetti. It is not because we are jealous its because you have the fucking ego to think that we all wanna hear your shit music. And not only do you think we wanna hear it you think we wanna hear it at a level that makes our ears bleed because that is just a divine sensation. It's fucking irritating. And your taste in music sucks. Fuck you. Go die.

That's all I got for today. Tune into tomorrow in my continuing quest to learn how to hate people to death.

With deep and abiding affection

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Yes. That's how I feel about it.

So apparently I cause trouble for anyone who likes my blog and allows there friends to read it. they read it and see the venomous sputum coming out of my head and they wanna cruci-fuckin-fy the person who shared it with them. Instead of with me, the author.

Let me just state this for those who can't figure this out. You're loved one who showed you my inner darkness is not responsible for thinking that I am funny or thinking that I have a point. I am merely shaking the trees. I am shouting into a vacuum so that my normal life becomes able to better process the world as it happens. I allow people to read it and tell me what they think. TELL ME what you think. And just so you know I relish the challenge of anyone who wants to argue with me. Ask some of my readers who know me. I get absolutely fucking giddy when you wanna express your anger with me. I love it. I...LOVE....IT. But don't cause crap for your loved ones they care too much about you, and you about them to fight over a pissy little blog.

Now for today's topic.

I hate popular music. I don't hate pop music. I just hate what is popular. if it appeals to the masses it hardly ever appeals to me. I was in a coffee shop today when my friend Steve told me he liked Katy Perry and he thought she was a cool person he also said she was not an artist. The girl behind the counter got all defensive when we started to rip Lady Gaga for being shitty as well.

My message to her: fuck you. When I ask you to be in my conversation is when I will listen. Maybe not even then. Take your opinion and cram it up your ass.

When it comes to music you are either an artist or a singer. And nothing out there nowadays says art to me It says surface bullshit. Because you couldn't be a dancer you had to pretend you could sing in order to do what you really wanted and now every fucking 12 year old with a radio has to listen and be infected by your crap.

Then when interest starts to flag in your career, because people eventually figure out that you are a fucking talentless hack, you go fuck someone on camera, or do a video wearing only pasties and candle wax. You marry some dipshit or start doing drugs that make you look like you bathe in garbage so you can appeal to the lowest common denominator. Fuck off. If you wanted to be a fucking whore you could've gone out on the street and done that. But don't waste my time. And please stop showing your worm infested snatch on my television I am trying to fucking eat most of the time that crap comes on.

I am tired of mediocrity being shot into our faces so that we have something new to worship. If you wanna be famous, write a song and sing it, and if it sucks throw it out and try again. Give us something real to like, and I guarantee you will live long passed your years. Give us your life as a joke or a fad and you will be praised because you are dead.

Pop artists are destined for shooting star status. Not all of them get to burn forever. So shoot for something deeper. Not just lip gloss, perfume, a few dance moves, and glitter.

As I have said before Bob Dylan couldn't sing for shit. But his songs could get you laid, and that my friends is an artist.

lay lady lay bitches

With deep and abiding affection

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Fashion is(enter your favorite swear word here)

I hate the idea of fashion. I hate the idea that something can be out of fashion. Clothes are meant to be worn and keep your naughty bits out of sight. Maybe enhance a few natural features. But for fucks sake they are just clothes.

I am not paying $200 for a pair of jeans cuz they have some gay mans name on them. Nor will I consider them some rare form of artwork in the denim motif. Fuck you, they are jeans and I am gonna fart in them like every other pair of jeans i have ever owned. Why am I paying $200 bucks for that privilege?

I once heard someone ask if sushi was still in fashion, and didn't that go out of fashion in the 80's. Once again, fuck you. Food does not go out of fashion. Its food. Food is for eating. And if I have to hear about presentation of food being everything anymore from those Neeley bitches on food network. That bitch served chocolate pudding in martini glasses and thought that was oh so fucking special. Its goddamned chocolate pudding you cunt it isn't fucking artwork. Stop dressing up my food like its going out on the fucking town. I just wanna eat it. By the way sushi has been around since around 700 A.D.  Please tell me how something with that much history goes out of fashion.

Some people are shallow fuckwits who are only interested in what crap looks like. I know the phrase is if you look good you feel good but remember. looks are subjective. The phrase should be more deeply rooted in the psychology. If you are happy with how you look then you will feel good. If some runway model looks good to everyone else it doesn't necessarily mean she is happy with how she looks or even happy in general.

Look I can't tell you what to believe all I can say is that, the clothes don't make the man. The man makes the man. You are not what you eat. You are only as fat as what you eat.

So i guess what I am trying to say is that wear what you want. Eat what you want. Live how you want. But don't pretend that because your shirt costs $100 or has someones name on it that its any better than my shirt from target that costs $15. In fact I guarantee mine is better. Because I am happy with my shirt and I can still go buy some pants, a belt and some ice cream and still come in under your price.

And who doesn't want ice cream?

Withe deep and abiding affection

Monday, August 23, 2010

I hate your children.

I don't have kids.

I don't want them. They aren't for me. Yet there seems to be some fucking rule in this society that unless you have them. Everyone on earth will fuck you in some way.

For example, I am a poor sonofabitch. I never fucking have money and yet I got fucked by the government for the last 2 years on taxes. People I know with kids in my same position get gigantic fucking refunds every year.

Why Are they rewarded for that? You spawned another consumer and we will reward your effort accordingly. Now I pay taxes for your little shit basket every year. I am also made to feel guilty that teachers aren't paid enough. They have a hard job because often times they have to deal with your little vagina clones more than you do. But should I pay for that? Fuck no! You pay for it with your fat ass check from the government. It shouldn't be on me if your child is fucking stupid. And why should I pay because you can't use a condom or birth control.

Its also because of children that every social stigma gains any ground in this society. The minute you do anything questionable in this world it then becomes a matter of how it affects children.

Apparently my freedom of speech doesn't apply when your kids are around. I can't say fuck around your pure innocent child. Let me tell you something that little thing you had has an ass that shits, it has a dick or a vagina, and it has a brain that collects information. one day it will both say the word fuck and perform the action so don't sit there and pretend that your child is the fucking second coming and will rescue us from the sin in our lives. Chances are they will be like every other kid and learn how to say fuck on the playground. Learn what fuck means from a dirty magazine that they discover, and learn how to clumsily fuck once they reach high school. No one is immune. They are now and will soon prove what dirty little fucks they truly are.

I am so tired of children. I am tired of people acting like they know more about life because they had them. FUCK OFF! Just because you fucked once and squirted out a miniature version of yourself ( a gigantic act of egotism by the way) Makes you no smarter than me. Your life experience is simply different.

Look I know the importance of children is to keep the species going. But the children are not our future contrary to popular belief. Your future is death, and a few generations will pass, and your great great great grandchildren won't even fucking know your name. The children are the the children's future. Your future is already ahead of you. Mine is already ahead of me.

The only difference? I can go where I want when I want without a babysitter needing to be paid. What is your up side. I don't know. And frankly I don't care. Enjoy. Have fun. But don't pretend that I am a second class citizen because I am more careful when I fuck. That is all I ask.

Yes, I agree your kids are cute.

Still don't want them. I just want my fucking money back

With deep and abiding affection,

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Special!? Fuck That!

You aren't special. Neither are your fucking kids. Your pets are pretty average too. I am not saying this JUST because I hate you. Though if you believe in words like special then I do hate you. In fact go fuck yourself.

Special doesn't exist. Neither does unique or "the best". Everything you have ever thought or done has been done before. If you invented some new product or gadget, someone else thought of it first. They just didn't have the ability to make it or fully comprehend it.

You fucknuggets out there like to use these imaginary terms, like special, to make things more important then they really are. You use them to describe anything and everything. A 3 year old reads at a college level and they are special. Yet a 20 year old with autism can color inside the lines and they are fucking special too? That is too opposite of definitions for one word. Come to think of it fuck "aloha" too. Fucking Hawaiians have 800 words for fish and yet hello and goodbye have to share the same word. Suck my tropical flavored ballsack! And fuck the Eskimos for having 6000 different words for snow. That has nothing to do with this post i just find that amazingly irritating.

Unique is a bullshit term too. The more you separate yourself, the more animosity you create.  Everyone is different and yet everyone is the same. You are all good at some things, shitty at others and overall just like everyone else.

I absolutely hate when I am talking to someone new and they inevitably say something like, "the thing you gotta know about me is..." Its at this point I black out of the conversation and hopefully when I return to my senses they are either done with their self indulgent soliloquy OR have walked away when they realize I am not paying attention. If I were to listen to that shit I would have to fight the urge to grab them and scream, "Listen you cockmonkey, I don't give a shit about you yet. If we are gonna end up friends, these are all things that I will or will not discover in time. I don't need your ego-laden drivel infecting my already low opinion of you." And it's even worse if I have known you for a long time. I know by now what you are like. I don't need any more reminders of why you are an obnoxious human being I see it all the fucking time.

The best is worst term of them all. There is no best. Something better is always around the corner. So how about you just be happy with what you fucking have. Or you know what? Go ahead kill yourself looking for the best in life. They call that being a consumer.

So once again, you aren't special. You aren't unique. And the best will never get here. So just shut the fuck up. Take a deep breath. Smile and be happy, you delusional fuck.

Of course if you agree with me on this point already, then thank you for your support. Now fuck off you are bothering me.

With deep and abiding affection,

Saturday, August 21, 2010

language part 3 sorta

So here is where i tie it all together.

Racist language = bad

Plain old dirty words = good.

The reason: racism divides us on cheap and stupid surface thinking. i.e. I hate you cuz you talk funny and look different. Here's a hint dipstick, we all look different and talk funny. You just isolated yourself to a race of one person. Good luck in the race war now Rambo. Something tells me you will be fucking dead before the opening credits of the movie.

Plain old dirty words however are universal. It can divide and unite people. It can bring us together to fuck, or it can drive us apart when fucking off. But the words themselves have no actual ability to harm anyone. Like any other words they are tools of communication. The stigma attached to them is steeped in a tradition of control and brainwashing to make people more palatable. More homogenized.

The point being you cannot stifle or censor language. People are smart enough to get around it. They will always find a way. why? because in the end fuck you that's why.

Now I don't wanna talk too much about this, but today i got my first dissenting opinion about my blog. I will not discuss who it was or what it was about. I will however state that if you disagree with me about any point I have made and wanna bring it to me in this forum, throw all the insults you want. We will go round and round. If you wanna talk to me in person or leave comments on facebook or otherwise. Then I expect to have a higher form of debate and will discuss anything you want in civility and respect.

But the minute you wanna mix the two and jeopardize the reason for this blog. This blog's initial intention as it were (see first posting). Then prepare for me to tear you in half and not pull any punches. I will make you cry if i am able to. Fuck you.

For more on this subject of language I recommend a documentary that was put out by think films simply called Fuck : a documentary directed by Steve Anderson. It will show exactly what I am trying to say.

With deep and abiding affection,

P.S. I should be able to say cunt without feeling guilty, you fuckass judgemental shitfucks! Lighten up its just a fucking word. Have a glorious day!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Language Part 2

It absolutely irritates the shit out of me that I have to have an adult content warning before the start of my blog. For Fucks sake it makes me read it before I can look at it for preview.

Now I know if you have been able to stand reading more than a few of my sentences you are OK with the language. I'm preaching to the choir. While we are on the subject can i get a new phrase that means the same thing without the religion attached. I mean what makes the choir so fucking sanctimonious that they don't need preaching to.

I have fucking had it with the thought police who have a god damned miscarriage over words. Now if you think I'm gonna contradict my point from yesterday hang on I will try not to lose you. I am specifically talking about language that has no racial undertones. Words that for no other reason are considered dirty.

Lets start this slow shall we, bitch? Every single Fucking swear word has a meaning.a meaning steeped in the filth and slime that was adhered to it by people who are afraid of the actions behind those words. Anyone who cant say fuck is probably afraid or uncomfortable with the act of sex in any way shape or form.But more than that like no other words in the English language they can have no meaning whatsoever. Half the time I fucking use them they don't mean anything!

How can a word be offensive when it doesn't fucking have a fucking meaning. When it doesn't mean anything it carries no power other than a value to punctuate the sentence being spoken.

Now I can already hear the bullshit argument from you simpering fuckhole mouth breathers..."well if it doesn't mean anything then why use it?" First of all: fuck you, you judgemental prick . And secondly : I "waste my time" with it because I like the words. You can talk poetically or diplomatically or just plainly but words like fuckstick and shitcock and various others, give sentences a kind of power. An exclamation point that says, "Hey, I mean what I just said bitch!"

There is a creativity to these words in their arrangement that is lost on the dumbasses who want to believe they are somehow better than you because they don't sully there verbiage with the stain that is the curse word. But it is really all just ego and fear that drives these people. They believe they are better than you (ego), and they don't want to be seen as socially unacceptable (fear). Or even more ludicrous , they fear that some imaginary omnipresent being will strike them down for nor being worthy of him.

Well guess what fuckers? The very nature of god is to be unworthy of him. So if you believe, you are already fucked. This all just goes right back to the argument of personal freedoms. That is to say I don't fucking live like you so don't believe for one second that your standards are universal. I'm just sick of hearing people tell me not to swear.

Fuck you.

Ask me to please watch my language and I will respect your wishes to the best of my ability

Tell me to watch my mouth and I will tell you to eat a dick.

These words are everywhere. You aren't going to escape them. So either deal with it or don't be around it. Block it out. Ignore it. But don't have the fucking gall to believe you are going to change my mind.

Piss off fuckass. I talk the way I talk.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ha fuckers!

Yesterday I learned that Dr. Laura Schlessinger will be quitting radio at the end of her contract at the end of the year. I am ecstatic about this news. It would seem that she went on a rant to an African American woman about how she was hypersensitive to racial issues and lacked a sense of humour and so therefore should not have married outside of her race (the woman was married to a white man). This diatribe also made her feel the necessity to say the n-word 11 times. And yet when people complained to her sponsors and they pulled their support she claimed a sort of victimization that is so irretrievably stupid as to almost border on paranoia.

So today's topic is language. A subject I am very fond of. I love all words, dirty and otherwise. I like to say certain words. The feel of them in my mouth is exquisite. And yes I get addicted to certain words and wanna say them over and over regardless of the appropriateness.

Now having said that, I also love the N-word. I know I am as shocked as you fuckers. It has this feel of forbidden that i am intrigued by. But I can't say it. The case of the N-word has best been explained as when the 60's came around the black community started to use the word in a positive light to counteract the usage of it by whites which was primarily negative in connotation. And that trend continues today. See you cant say it if you are white because your ancestors fucked it up for you. They used it as an insult to many times. Something dumbasses are working hard on with the word gay. You pricks keep using it to describe bad shit and pretty soon we won't get to use that word either. It already happened with fag.

Look uneducated douchefuckers are stealing our words by destroying their meanings and using them in certain fashions that forever stain them and make them something only used by racists, bigots and homophobes. Misogynists too. This is the root of the PC age. You complain about political correctness but it was all our doing that forced us to speak in certain ways around certain people. If you say the N-word in anger it becomes a word that can only be used in anger unless you balance it with positive connotations.

This is why fuck is so universal it can be used in any fashion. Positive or negative. And It feels great in my mouth. It is a word that has so much power, so much to chew on.

I believe that no words should be against the rules. But I wasn't there at the beginning to help make the rules so I cant. Sorry white folks we can't say Nigger anymore. And yes they can still call you a cracker because god damn't that is funny. Straight white males have to play by rules in language. That is the way it is. Hide under a blanket and say the word If you want. That is what I do. Sort of a verbal masturbation.

And no you don't get to cry racism because they are oppressing your right to say what words you want. You can say them. Just don't be surprised when they exercise their right kick the shit out of a fuckwad like yourself. Just like Dr. Laura can't cry because Media Matters for America went after her sponsors for supporting her hate speech. There is nothing in the constitution that gives you the right to a nationally syndicated radio show.

So in summation, words only carry what the intention behind them is. But remember intentions like everything else are up for interpretation. Other peoples perceptions of what you are saying are just as valid.

So word to the wise, watch your fucking mouth.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

its 8 am on my day off and I am a little pissed

Okay I have been avoiding this subject until I have felt like I had a better grip on my opinion.

And this post is a little more serious minded. Last night felt a little Andy Rooney-ish.

Every person on television is up in arms about the building of a mosque. Not just the one in new york a full two blocks from ground zero. No this argument goes on all over these great united states. And I have had it up to my fucking eyeballs with hearing about it.

Lets examine the issues shall we? On one hand we have religious freedom in this country and should treat that with respect and the courtesy it deserves. People own a piece of land and wanna make a place to practice a religion they have every right to do so no matter where that piece of land is. It could be right next door to ground zero and they still have that right. From a purely capitalist viewpoint they pay for the space then they can do whatever they want to with it within the letter of the law. And since Islam is not illegal in this country it is perfectly logical that people who practice it might wanna build a fucking mosque.

The other issue against all of these places disguises itself as respect for the fallen and their families. that somehow hollowed ground zero is itself a spiritual place. That would be sullied by the existence of its arch enemy, Islam. But dont' let them fool you it is only hatred and fear. that prevents them from celebrating the first amendment and pulls them to act on baser instincts.

However I have yet to see a story where a church is about to be built near where an abortion clinic was bombed so maybe there is more tolerance than I expect in the world.

And yet you give the people complete religious freedom and that is what you get: zealots who make excuses for killing people. It isn't just Islamic people. Christians Have killed and Jews have killed too. So stop pretending your hands aren't bloody too.

Look I understand that this may be an issue to some but 9/11 was 9 years ago and I realize a nations tragedy can never be forgotten. But it certainly can be gotten over. I know a lot of people lost loved ones and felt scared and hurt by the actions of radical extremist thinking. And yes I know I am using trivial words to describe a tremendous loss. But that is exactly what it was, a loss. And those can be overcome.

Its not that I'm just tired of hearing about it. It's that we cannot move on as a society until we heal from it. And you cannot wait for some bullshit excuse like, when they get bin Laden you will be over it. You gotta do your own healing. That's right folks I am up to my fucking eyeballs with this subject because people can't get over an almost decade old tragedy. Let me tell you something I have lost friends and family and I know what tragedy means. This nation will get over it.

But not if you keep using it as a tool to invoke fear or excuse stupidity.

The wound doesn't heal if you keep ripping out the stitches.

I know that my viewpoint here is viewed as incredibly controversial. but lets break it down to a more manageable size.

Every person victimized by that tragedy lost someone they love and I am willing to bet a lot of them have moved on through therapy, through support, and through the love and respect that we as a country gave them...except we cant get health care to those heroes who risked their lives to make that tragedy a little less worse than it already was.

So what should we argue about? That we are little fucking children scared of a religion we don't understand and want to avoid looking at a symbol of that unknown that frightens us.

Or should we argue that our political system looked at the people we rely on to come to our rescue, no matter the cost to them personally, and told them we don't give two shits if you are sick and suffering. Go fuck yourselves.

I think its a pretty easy choice.

With deep and abiding affection,

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

decency fffft!

Hello mostly people.

Most of today was spent doing fun things or doing crap I cant talk about on this blog so as not to breach my confidentiality agreement.

However on a positive note, this blog seems to be doing what it is intended for.

There will be several topics covered tonight.

Now on with the show. A LOT of you may disagree with me on this but when, for fucks sake when...did it become OK to wander around in public in your fucking pajamas? I understand the theory of comfort. I do. but these are truly the ugliest clothes you own. You gotta have a lot of confidence in your appearance to think that this will be OK. Or you gotta have a major disdain for those around you to just wander around looking your absolute worst. This just baffles me. All pajamas make me think of as a statement is "look at me I don't shower . I just getup and walk the fuck out the door." Put some fucking clothes on it isn't that hard.

At my work we watch a lot of food network. First off: fuck Rachael Ray. And second I am sick to death of that bitch Giada De Lafuckface. I don't care if you think shes pretty, or has good tips, or that she can cook. I am not here to argue any of that. What I am here to talk about is her and the people like her who absolutely must pronounce every fucking foreign word with the accent of its country of origin. When she says any Italian word its like she becomes an Italian cartoon character. Its like the super Mario bros. jumped up her ass. Please just say the word normally and stop pretending like you know any better than the rest of us because you can fake the accent you fuck bucket of cunts.

(sorry mom Samantha asked me to use the term it makes her laugh)

(sorry Samantha I had to blame someone)

Its election season here and I would just like to say if you think you are helping your candidate by putting those fucking sign in peoples yards, and on the side of the road, I hope you get hit by a truck. Your actions used to have a name, and it wasn't politicking it was littering.

Today in the news the president came to visit Washington. Some cock knocker flew a Cessna into restricted airspace to impress his girlfriend and two fighters created a sonic boom in order to go combat said cock knocker out of restricted airspace. Every dick in the Pierce and King county area lit up the 911 lines and brought down the system temporarily. To quote a conversation I had with a friend of mine:

Me: I thought the purpose of 911 as to call when you see an incident happen. Not call and say I heard a noise.
Cal: exactly furthermore if you hear a noise come from a military base there's only 2 possibilities either they got shit under control or everything is fucked and you need to kiss your ass goodbye.

911 is for emergencies in progress assfuck. Not because you're a paranoid cum bubble who can't tune your television away from the soaps for one minute to find a station that is reporting what that sound was. Incidentally my boss was watching a soap at the time and they interrupted to tell us. So how bout you fuckers be patient for the first time in your life. P.S. I fucking hate General Hospital

These are the things that irritated me today.

If you voted today good for you
if you didn't, fuck you and don't bitch about shit to me later.
If you are like me and your vote by mail ballot never showed up...this fucking system sucks and I will bitch whenever I feel like it.

With deep and abiding affection

Monday, August 16, 2010

just a short opinion

Hello everyone ,

Just a short one today. I spent most of today driving in the heat so i don't have much anger now.

We drove to the Olympic game farm today in Sequim WA.

All the way there I kept seeing signs for the Indian casinos. Also signs for steakhouses with indigenous American names. It made me very sad actually.

Then I got angry at how the entire culture of a race of people became such a fucking joke. This is what is left of the Native American culture? Steakhouses and casinos? The names from their language on a few cities and rivers.

And how do white people who wanna understand native culture show respect for the population that they destroyed and oppressed? They act like new age-y douchebags. They become fucking hippies. Fuck them!

We live in a time now where I have to hear everyone and their brother rattle off a laundry list of ethnicities that went into the ooze that created them. And every single one of them lists the 1/10000000000th % of Native American tribe in their bloodline. Fuck you! Your a god damned American fuckbag with no understanding of what those cultures you listed really are, except what you read in that fancy catalogue of books you bought at your local borders bookstore.

Knowing that Germany or Italy or Ireland exist and you had a relative of yours from there fuck another relative of yours doesn't makes you any of those nationalities. You don't know shit.

Oh, you had a grandfather from a Latin country? and you have a quick temper, that you say is a direct result of your Latin blood? How about we think of some more fucking stereotypes that belong to that ethnicity and attribute them to you? I think you have a quick temper because you are a easily angered assbag who is finding another excuse to not take responsibility for being an assbag.

So in summation, fuck your ethnicity. Fuck hippies. And if you really want to celebrate the culture of the American Indian...fuck you. It's not there for you to celebrate. Go find the indigenous and see how much they really wanna talk to you. Chances are they will tell you that in order to get the true native experience you should go fuck a totem pole.

With deep and abiding affection,

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Who asked you?

That's right, "Who asked you?" That is my question today.

I was musing today on past events in my life and I remembered there were several times that religion has come forcefully into my purview. No, I don't mean the fuckers who show up on your doorstep. I mean those people who think that god bless you is an acceptable way to say goodbye to someone.

I once asked a man that i was serving when I worked at an ice cream shop how he was doing, a normal question to ask...his response: "Absolutely wonderful i love life love my kids and i love Jesus!"

I am going to pause for a moment and let that sink in...............Now when did I ask that question? When did I ask the do you love Jesus question? Never mind the fact I didn't ask him if he loved his kids. I sorta assumed that. He was buying them ice cream, for fucks sake!

I understand the notion of freedom of speech. I do. I use it frequently to say "fuck you, you fucking fucks!" often. But its not part of my introduction. People need to fucking realize random acts of sharing are uncomfortable in any situation. No, I don't care what religion you belong to. No, I don't care who you went out with last night. I don't give a shit what your political beliefs are.You know why? Because, this is my first interaction with you and may be the only one I get, let's make it as painless as possible.

This is the root of why bumper stickers,license plate frames, car decals and buttons with political, religious, or non humorous overtones anger me. Do you assume we don't know who is running for office? Do you assume I have no idea who Jesus or the virgin Mary are?

Just as a side note can we please stop referring to her as the virgin Mary? Even if you are a believer it is ridiculous to believe she stayed that way. I am willing to bet she didn't stay a virgin the rest of her life and there are other titles we can bestow. Jesus' mother would be a fine title.

But I digress...

Keep it to yourself is what I'm saying. There are rules for polite conversation and one of them should be that until I know you well enough or ask directly, you keep your beliefs and your predilections to yourself. And I will do my best to keep mine to myself, and keep my swearing to a minimum.

So in that vain attempt to convince a minority of people to see things my way, I say that the don't ask don't tell policy be amended. It should not apply to gays. It should apply to your personal beliefs.

As in: I didn't ask. So don't fucking tell me.

After all I haven't met a gay person yet who says when asked "hows it going?" they say, " I sucked the biggest cock last night!"

Have a lovely day.

With deep and abiding affection,

Saturday, August 14, 2010

This post was brought to you buy the number 2, and the letter fuck.

Good evening.

Today was filled with idiots.

From the post office where a woman spent 5 minutes rifling through her money to find 2 bucks, to the asshats on CNN telling me how the majority of the population was against a mosque being built 2 blocks from ground zero. Who gives a shit what the majority of the American people think? The majority of the American public elected a man to the presidency (twice) because they felt like they could drink a beer with him. And in case you weren't sure of this, that is nothing to base a man's character on. Just because you wanna drink with him doesn't mean elected officials in other countries do too. The man doesn't even drink anymore! You cant drink a beer with a guy WHO DOESN'T FUCKING DRINK ANYMORE!

First of all if you're buying four stamps and you are waiting for 2 people shipping packages, don't make small talk to me. I don't give 2 fucking shits about how hot you think it is. Go through your fucking purse and pull out the 2 bucks you need to buy the god damned stamps and get out of my way faster.

No one thinks about the people behind them. Some douche bag in a convertible Miata, that was literally 6 fucking colors, is changing Cd's at a green light. No concern for the people who maybe wanna get somefuckinplace TODAY!

Some fuckstick at an intersection thinks free right turn means whenever he wants to go...even if hes about to t-bone my car. Wait 2 seconds for me to get past you, you impatient prick!

I began to think for a moment maybe I'm wrong. Ive done stupid shit while driving or standing at a counter. And someone in the world certainly doesn't agree with my points of view on politics and religion. Maybe I'm being intolerant...maybe I should calm down. Relax.

Then I thought, well if I have done all those things then I am an idiot. And I am. I am a fucking moron who makes mistakes constantly. I say it all the time. "Jeez Gabe that was fucking stupid, you idiot!" I am sure you've said it too. Sure, we all have.

So i think its gonna be a lot easier for the entire world if we just start admitting we don't know what the fuck we are doing, and not be offended if people start to call you on it. Don't be offended, because they are right. You have no idea what you are doing. You are just guessing. You think you know how a a person will react to some news? Guess what? You don't. You have driven a car a hundred times before, what could possibly go wrong? Guess what? Everything can go wrong. Wake the fuck up! No one can literally do anything blindfolded, and I will bet you, you don't actually have as comprehensive a knowledge of the back of your hand as you think you do.

Lets start by just admitting to ourselves that we are all idiots incapable at times of performing the simplest of tasks and take the ego out of ourselves and kick the shit out of it.

You are fucking stupid.

There now.

Go live a judgement free life where calling someone a moron will be redundant and hypocritical.

 And if someone calls you stupid, just smile to yourself knowing that that person is double stupid for not knowing how redundant and hypocritical they are.

This has been a public service announcement.

With deep and abiding affection

Friday, August 13, 2010

Another heapin helpin of my unbridled rage!

Greetings fellow pirates.

I have a one thing to talk about today.

I am absolutely furious that some bonehead senators have decided to try to get the 14th amendment repealed. Try reading all of it ,you dumb fucks, before you decide that one aspect of it should go away! I know you think immigration is bad, illegal or not, and i know you, like every other crazy fucktard on the planet, think that conspiracies exist on a massive scale, i.e. Mexican people are coming to this country in droves to have babies on our soil to be able to stick around and sell drugs to our children and rape every vulnerable white women in sight. But let's step back a bit shall we? Further analysis of the 14th decidedly must stay in play.

The 14th amendment says:

"All persons born or naturalized in the united states, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the united states and the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life liberty or property, without the due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws."

And that is just article one! There are two articles about not allowing the election of individuals participating in, and not paying for debt accrued by the cause of, rebellion against the united states. there is an article that talks about the number of reps in congress based on population. but i digress...

Let's go back to article one. Fuckheads really have a problem with the first sentence. Yet did we even get to the second sentence that makes it mandatory for states to participate in the laws of the U.S. constitution. You repeal this, and you tell states that the system we work under is no longer applicable to them should they so choose. Welcome to the second civil war fuckers! Yes! Maybe you disagree. And I say do you really trust other people that much.

Allow me to turn the tide in my favor for just a moment, because its so easy for mass media and government to fear monger and cause massive amounts of paranoia, why not me? Do you really trust the states to do the right thing anymore? Don't lie to me! You don't even think those fuckers know how to drive a car! We can't even agree on whats right for the people from state to state. We still think its OK in some states to take away rights from citizens who are gay or god forbid they want a little religious fucking freedom in a country that promised it to them when they came here LEGALLY! You take away that rule that says in order to be a part of the United States you gotta follow our constitution, and I will start the countdown to the destruction of the free press AND your cherished right to bare arms.

Some may argue that this is not in fact what that part of the constitution means and to them I say Where else does it say it fucker? HM? Where else? The amendment was added by Abraham Lincoln  AFTER THE FUCKING CIVIL WAR ASSHOLE!  And even if it didn't mean that...name me one lawyer, looking to make a name for himself that wouldn't argue it in a court of law. Lemme guess...lemme take a wild flailing shot in the dark and say that you don't trust lawyers either...big fucking shock to my system.

So to everyone out there I  just ask that you read to the end of the page what people are trying to take away from you. Either that or start fucking running north. I'm sure Canadian citizenship is just as fucked...but the place is cleaner and the people are nicer.

This started intending to be a rant about politics in general but there are enough blogs about that. I am going to pick my battles when it comes to what I spend an hour typing.

Just on a completely unrelated side note, fuck my head hurts! It is taxing just to fucking look at the screen this god damned long. I don't know how you people do it, but I'm trying to learn.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Ok first up on the big screen...

So after careful consideration and prodding from certain someones here is my blog of observations. Well not observations really. More of the things that i feel compelled to yell about so that I may have a calmer exterior in life.

H.L. Mencken once said:

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats."

That is what this blog intends. To allow my very inner pirate a life of his own on the printed page. I do not know what that may be but I do know that if this works my friends will see a wonderful charming lovely person in real life. and a cut throat sonofabitch in this printed page.

I'm not asking anyone to agree with me or offer me any help. In fact its better if you disagree. It will help me focus my thoughts and feelings a little better. Just know that I have no censor here. whatever I say here exists only here and is not meant to leak into the outside world. this is my darker side, and my darker side is not afraid to tell you (even those i love and admire) to fuck off.

For those of you who are offended and wanna confront me in real life. Its probably better if you don't read this then. I dedicate this page to my father who always wanted to be a pirate and who taught me its OK to be angry...and my mother who thinks I need a better outlook in real life and loves me very much. Everyone else... fuck you its slitting throats time.

With deep and abiding affection,