Today is that special day. February 14th. Valentine's day.
I cannot be too harsh a critic of the day...because I have a girlfriend. And for some reason this is the day for love and if you love someone, you have to care about Valentine's day. Well normally I shut my mouth on this day because the only reason guys buy the candy and flowers and have romantic evenings is because they are worried they won't get sex and it has been statistically proven that if you can't get fucked on Valentine's then you are not fit to lick the smeg off a homeless man and should be slapped and sterilized so that never happens again.
But since my girlfriend forgot today was Valentine's and since I have to rehearse today and have limited time to be romantic and what not, I thought I could afford to be a little more analytical and actually look at this somehow non-entity that is Valentine's day.
According to the history channel's website apparently my suspicion that it was all about some Christian dude who talked about love, and was martyred, is absolutely fucking not true.
Once again organized religion shoves some vague shit wrapped in pink and red paper down our throats and we accept it on faith that an organization of suckbots who want to control our thinking would never fucking lie to our faces.
Apparently the church recognizes 3 saints named Valentine or Valentinus.
THREE FUCKING PEOPLE!
And no one can confirm these fucker's story. One guy was said to be marrying people in secret because king Claudius thought to ban marriage because single soldiers were easier to deal with than married soldiers. So he got iced and so we celebrate that. Another story says the guy was helping Christians escape prison and while incarcerated wrote a love letter to the warden's daughter.
So our christian options are trite bullshit and can't even be agreed upon and we can't even get a lock on which guy we are talking about. But the reason i love the best for this holiday is the usual religious bullshit that always seems to come up. Fucking up pagan holidays.
So apparently, in ancient Rome, tomorrow would be what is known as Lupercai, The holiday to celebrate Faunus, the god of fertility.
So here's how you do it. You and a bunch of other priests of Faunus go to the cave of Romulus and Remus who were said to have started Rome and grew up in the cave raised by a she-wolf.
Next: slaughter one goat and skin it and cut the skin into strips.
Dip the strips of skin into the goat blood.
Then casually walk about town and slap single women (gently) with the bloody goat skin. Don't worry the women want it because it will make them more fertile.
Then all the single ladies place there names in a jar. If you think I am making this up this is what the history channel website said.
Then eligible bachelors draw names of the single women and that's the woman they get for the year. Most of these pairings ended in marriage.
Now why the fuck did we get rid of that? Oh wait...because it is fucking insanity.
So what I want to know is why replace it? We couldn't fucking live without that? We need a replacement holiday? Yes because we can't just give up our goat blood slapping girl raffle.
OK how about this we will make up some vague shit about a guy who was really into marriage and another guy who wrote a love letter and then you guys can go buy a ton of shit with his name on it in hope's that you will get some sweet va-jay.
Not as crazy, but we did see the commercial value of it. All of this so we can put some ridiculous religious shit-laden meaning behind what is the most personal fucking thing on the planet.
The love I carry for people doesn't need a fucking day to celebrate it. The people I love, I love every day, no matter what.
The thing that angers me the most about it is that I still do it. I show my affection by buying shit when I don't really believe in it. Most people already have a day to celebrate their love for others, it's called an anniversary, or if you don't have that it's called whenever you god damned well feel like showing your loved ones that you love them. But still we needed an international day. Still we needed to mandate shit to the people.
I want you all to know that it is incredibly difficult to be angry and cynical about this subject unless you are alone and jaded. I am not alone. I love my Kate more and more every day and gladly would purchase hearts and flowers for her today. But I would do it everyday of the week if I could. I don't need some bullshit reason.
I love her.
Isn't that good enough.
It is for her.
So if you love someone shout it to the world. Don't wait for religion and government to give you a day to do so. Don't make cheap excuses. Do it every day. Maybe when we stop placing so much importance on a day then we can make the meaning last longer. Otherwise we are just gonna slide backwards.
But fuck it, if we slide at least we have some really insane shut to have fun with! Let's get to some goat slapping!
With deep and abiding affection,
No goats were harmed in the writing of this blog.
I think it's offensive the amount of racism organized religion has against goats.
Stop the hate.