I read a post this morning about the nominees for the broadway world award thing and saw the name of an ex-girlfriend. I thought for about 5 minutes about how shitty a person I thought she was and how that immediately disqualified her from anything good happening to her ever. Because that is the way the world works inside my head. if you and I are at odds currently the universe should shit all over you and not take into account that you may have something good to offer. I have been thinking this way a lot recently.
I went to the wedding of a dear friend and ran into a guy I don't talk to anymore. Mostly because he was always obnoxious and a had a habit for saying the stupidest things imaginable. And he now has a wife and 2 kids and a house and a good job with prospects on a better job. My envy got the better of me and I thought about all the things that made his life shittier than mine so I could feel better.
Then I realized that I was making life into a sitcom. The episode where the main character goes to a class reunion and finds himself coming short of all his peers and then some sweet female character kisses him and says he is the perfect man for her. The crowd AWWWWWS at the moment and he has learned a valuable life lesson. But then next week the poor schlub goes back to being an idiot. I fucking hate that.
If my life sucks or is any less than someone else's it is because I feel that way about it to begin with and obviously need to make a change. The truth is that the guy at the wedding is still a little bitch and an obnoxious asshat. He may have better things than I do and he may have his family life all planned out but that is not my fucking business. My personal life is fantastic. I am in a much better place than I have ever been. My job wears on me a lot and I think it is time I made myself able to be in a better position but that is my job and not on anyone else. So problem solved...
Except not.
I like to consider myself a decent actor. I do theatre that makes me happy. I have a hard time with the idea of awards because while i like the idea of someone saying how great I am, I also don't think that should ever come into play as to why I do it. At it's heart, awards are all about marketing. if you have won an award you can put it on your resume and people are more likely to buy you for their next project.
And yes I will admit it here...I wish I could be a professional actor I don't care about starving or being homeless, as I have said to others. It isn't about being lazy or careless...
I'm just scared.
I don't like failing. I want to be assured that all my hard work won't be for nothing. But I don't know how to do that. It is why I like the work so much. It feels like I am doing what I want for a change.
That being said this blog has taken a turn I didn't expect it to...
I was going to go into the fact that hating an ex for getting nominated is a bullshit concept. That my own feelings about others doesn't make them less of a person. I was going to go into a full rant about my list of exes and do a where are they now thing for a gag and say that I have learned to wish them well. I was going to talk about how doing theatre isn't about my ego and that awards while nice really shouldn't be anything to make me feel like a lesser performer or any more of performer in the case of those doing it.
But I have come to the realization that I want more. I want more in my real life job and I want more from theatre. I love them both.That is what I have learned here And I am tired of being the lowest man on the totem at work, but that can be changed with more education. And I am tired of playing the same thing over and over which makes me overlooked by everyone. I can put out the best performance of the asshole that learns something and I can inform exactly how decent a guy that character is before you learn he is a nice guy but I want more. I love that guy. But I am that guy. and I want to be able to show that I can be something else. I am an actor for fucks sake.
I can do anything. I just wanted you to know.
With deep and abiding affection,
Gabriel
