Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Snow: an open message of hate

I fucking hate snow. I hate it so sincerely, so purely, that it consumes my whole being.I truly cannot fathom those who think it is such a wonderful occurrence. Those who do look at it with a child like innocence that i wish I could muster. The most I can say is that it is pretty to look at.

When I was just a 5 year old boy we moved from Phoenix, AZ to Denver, CO. Until that time the  most severe weather I had encountered was 100 degree weather and the occasional lightning storm (to this day I still think lightning and thunder is sexy but that is another story). We moved in the summertime. so the transition from Phoenix to Denver was incredibly smooth. Denver is a lot cooler in summer and it never dawned on me what I was in for when September and October rolled around. The shock to my system was tremendous.

What the fuck was this cold shit?! It falls from the sky makes it cold and wet and turns everyone into a raving fucking lunatic. Now I was 5 years old for fucks sake and all I could think was that the world had played some sort of cruel joke on me. I remembered snow from the television when we lived in Arizona. It always looked like fun and people were always happy to be in it.

I then learned people were happy to be in it because they were mentally ill.

Not only that but it turns normal asshole children into fucking psycho nutjobs. As a nerdy misfit child who didn't have much in the way of popularity and no prior experience with the phenomenon of falling frozen droplets. I was the victim of some of the worst child crime ever. Its as if god hates you and is now sending your oppressors a weapon that only they know how to use. Oh sure you can fucking make the snowballs and try to defend yourself but just try and you will soon find out you should've just run because now while you try to put shit together for a return volley that will inevitably miss. you are being pelted by snowballs at a rate that you were certain only a machine could muster. And these cock bags just don't quit.

When asked once why I hated snow my answer was greeted by the idea that i needed to look at it from the fucking perspective of the positive. The only people who reap any positives of snow are kids and I wasn't very good at being a kid. Adults get all the shittier parts of snow. They don't get to wait anxiously to see if work is going to close up today. and if you are throwing snowballs at are a douchebag. It isn't funny anymore you are just a fuckhead that likes to hit people with shit. Adults have to wade through the frozen tundra to go to work. they have to drive and slip on black ice, they have to deal with electrical outages. And they are expected to do it with aplomb. But adults are shitty human beings and they are stupid and inconsiderate. This is what leads to accidents and people stuck in traffic for hours and destruction of property. And that is all without snow.

Throw in the massive unpredictability of ice and cold and your normal idiot turns into someone slightly more intelligent than a brick. they always think they can do shit that they can't and chaos ensues.

So when snow starts falling I get cold I get cranky and I get pissed off. I am reminded of fear and pain from childhood. I am reminded of stupidity and destruction in my adult life.

But maybe I am sentimental or maybe I am just hoping that I can have that same childlike wonder that others get when the snow falls. But somewhere in my brain a little flower is blooming in the cold. and forces are at work to change my mind. They may never get there...but I appreciate the effort.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Abuse by numbers

About a month ago the guardian of one of my clients at work directed my attention to a study performed by the GAO on the rampant abuse of power of DD and elderly clients by their court appointed guardians.

The study was supposed to give an accurate portrayal of just how bad the abuse of power was. Now normally a study like this focuses on the amount of people who abuse power and those that don't coming to a general average and coming up with a result.

However what did the GAO do? They fucked the general model in the ass. They didn't come up with a fucking average. Instead they took 20 cases where abuse occurred and showed their findings as an amount of money that had been swindled and a looming crisis of guardians being appointed without background checks. Without ever mentioning in the study that there are in fact guardians who don't abuse their clients.

So now there is a big media storm about another way our government fucks us. All because Some piss poor researchers decided it was better to wear their own ass as a fucking hat rather than do some actual work.

It got me thinking about studies and polls in general. We all quote scientific studies we have heard about to prove numbers and what not so we can win some piss poor debate with a friend. I certainly have. But for every fuckass study that proves one theory, there is another one that proves the opposite. How are we expected to know which one is right and which ones are proved under more dubious circumstances?

We aren't. We are supposed to swallow these answers and spew them out to people as truth so we can sound smarter than we are. Then we feel the smug satisfaction of some victory that isn't real.

Poll numbers are the exact same to me. every time I see a poll all I can think is that I don't fucking care. I have my own opinion. Why do I give a shit what the chickendicked cornholers who watch CNN or Fox news think about an election? Am I supposed to care simply because it is a mass of mindless cuntfungus who have nothing better to do but to call Wolf Blitzer or Sean Hannity and give there useless opinion that others may not agree with, much less care about?

All I am truly saying is that we need to be smarter than this. Polls are generated numbers that mean exactly fuck all to the reality of life. And studies don't show anything. It is all useless knowledge that we probably paid for. A few years later another study will show that the study before didn't know what it was talking about.

People...stop looking for answers to be simple. With almost 400 million people in the United States, no answer is going to be simple or all encompassing. And anyone who tells you different is lying to you and just wants to prove to you another bullshit study.

The GAO study showed that in 20 cases where abuse had been proven 5.4 million dollars had been stolen from 158 victims. These numbers are terrible and mean nothing if you take into account that there are approximately 4.3 million developmentally disabled clients and exponentially more elderly clients. these numbers are meant to confuse and create anger and possible action on the part of the public. but going off half cocked like that is going to create a huge mess. Especially for guardians who treat their clients with respect.

Well done people. Once again we prove my theory that even the smartest people who have power and money to fund such things are incredibly fucking stupid at times.

With deep and abiding affection,

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I am positive.

So a huge revelation occurred a few days ago. It began with a phone call from a friend to go apply for a job. Which I did. It continued with an interview that went very well and I am currently waiting for the results on. What is the subject I am talking about today? Support. Something that recently I came into with great abundance.

Now I have always been supported by my family and that in itself some consider a fucking miracle. A lot of people don't have that. But since i am used to it I have kind of taken it for granted. Which is wrong. My parents have supported me so much that I owe them about 6 lives now. My brother is pretty much the same story.

What I realized that I had now but didn't before were people who supported without judgement.

No offense to my oldest friends who support me in all my endeavors but in their need to care it comes with the question..."Are you sure this is the right thing to do Gabriel?" I know they love me and I know that they are watching out. But I am 32 years old and have been around a little bit. I am not a total fucking moron. I love you guys too. Just tone it down.

What I have seen in the past few days has blown my fucking mind. When the job opportunity came around, from a woman who is trying very hard to get me different employment, I have friends old and new telling me that it is fantastic that I am going out for this job. There were no added phrases like, "well if you had been really looking you would have found a different job already." There was no apathy to my situation. No snide remarks no questioning of my choice. Nothing but pure love from people I have only known a short time.

This post was intended to be an angry diatribe about how I felt cheated that this didn't exist before. But with a little help from the watcher in the thicket, and one of the most insightful and beautiful women I have ever known, my rantings and ravings have shifted to celebration.

It doesn't matter why it wasn't there before. What matters is that it's here now and it is not going anywhere.

To all of you who have supported me in the past and the present...Mom, Dad, Christopher, Penny, Hayley, Athene, Patty and Philip DoAne, Calvin, Sean Raybell, Josh, Ron, Sam, Bill, Jessann, Steve and Erin, Stephen Borsuk, Kate Holland, and now Sami and the Bruce, Maria, Bob and Carla, Hally, Marcus Walker, Scott Campbell, Brie, Kat Inserra, my zombie zebra Kayti, Anna Baskett, to anyone else who reads this blog fervently without my knowledge, But mostly to Kate L. (While all these people are shining stars in my dearest are the sun.) I love and cherish all of you. You keep me going through life without even trying. Just by being in my life I am a better person.

With deep and abiding affection,

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

post election blues

Let me begin by saying that I voted. Are you all fucking happy? No? Did your candidate of choice lose his/her ass. Did The measure you really want to pass/fail not do so? Tough shit.

Politics has a lot of things to be incensed about and no matter what enrages you, there will always be someone who is made almost gleeful by the notion that upset you. What I cannot abide by is the fact that such piddly fucking bullshit is the object of our political arena.

I live in Washington State. In this state we had several measures to vote for and only a few of them were amending our political process. Yet there were also a few that dealt with the taxation of candy and the fact that the government owns the alcohol trade in Washington.

I actually spent time considering whether to vote to repeal candy taxes or make alcohol a private industry.


You fucking assmongers are wasting my time. If this is the caliber of shit you are going to bring me then fuck off. I don't care what you fuckers think about these issues. Let's get one thing straight. If you go to the store and the candy bar costs 75 cents and then the next day it cost 85 cents. The extra dime isn't going to stop you from buying it. Yet you would think we were signing petitions and voting in elections to fucking free slaves in this state.

So the government owns the liquor industry. Can I still buy booze? Yes? Then I don't care who sells it.

Now mind you I am not telling you how I voted on these issues. I merely am stating that people out there call others bad Americans when they don't vote. That you cannot bitch if you didn't participate. I am sure I have said it myself. But is it any wonder that people grow complacent in the face of measures like these? I am sure whatever state you live in had some like it too.

It defies logic to be just as rabid about petty stuff when we have real problems. Did the mid term elections change any of those problems? No they didn't. They won't change anything. Because fundamentally we don't agree on anything. People are dying in foreign soil. People are dying here at home. The world is fucked. It always has been. If you think some fuckass politician with his American flag pin and his briefcase full of agendas and intentions will ever change anything you are wrong.

You affect change in your life. Take back your fucking power and stop giving it to god, to politicians, to other people. You are the instrument of change in your life. Only you limit yourself to the bullshit future you have made. You can change that.

I am just so sick of petty bickering by people who are supposed to be adults. Grow up you fucking jelly assed dick snoggers. The politicians the corporations the media and everyone else on the planet aren't responsible for us. We need to affect our own change. We need to have our own hope. We need to stimulate our own jobs, our own economy, our own peace. Because we cannot wait for democrats and republicans to stop playing around with heads up their asses like they are gods gift to the political system and actually give a shit about us.

Do it yourself.

With deep and abiding affection,