I'm sorry

This isn't going to be angry at all. I needed to vent at myself but it isn't working so I will share. I have just finished doing a show with some really good friends and some lovely people. Last night was the cast party. I went with the expectation of having a good time. By the end i was uncomfortable angry and full of hatred.

In my past I have had issues with tolerance. their is a certain way of living that is foreign to me. I don't know how to let go. Suffice to say that I didn't start drinking until I was 23. not because I was a good boy who never did wrong...but because i had spent a few years previously watching my friends in high school get fucked up every night. They weren't doing it to piss me off. Nor had they waited to keep me around so I could watch over them. They just wanted to have a good time. Yet I couldn't. It made me uncomfortable and I was angry because I felt that they had no regard for my feelings. And whether they did or not that was the crux of my problem.

I am afraid of not being accepted. So afraid that I will preemptively separate myself  and hurt myself so that you can't do it. My whole life I have felt like I never really belonged anywhere. I feel like my thoughts and feelings are invalid and don't mesh well with common society. I did theatre to try and fit in but the show ends and I am left with a feeling that I will never find that space again. And those friends will never show again without the common goal.

It happens still today. I have a friend who puts on concerts for bands in the local area and they really need support but I don't go. Because as I stand there I feel like a fraud. these aren't people who like me. and the ones who do are busy working and playing the show. And talking to them would be absolute death for fear that i open my mouth and make them not care about me for a reason.

So I become more self centered because I feel like I need to insert myself even where it doesn't belong and I internalize everything. For instance this show had three reviews and despite the fact that i feel I put out a solid performance not one of them mentioned me and I was palpably hurt by that. The reviewers have no cause to write about me. I am a bit character who could have been written out. but I was still hurt.

I have felt this way since childhood. I would spend time looking in a mirror at the age of 8 wondering why I had to be me.

So a few years ago I did something about it. After feeling pushed around near the end of my marriage I decided that Gabriel wasn't gonna take any more shit. I was gonna give it. And since then I have become this character that will say exactly what he is feeling and not give a damn about what you say. He comes out in this blog and in uncomfortable situations and at parties and he says acerbic funny shit and everyone really likes him because he is alive and brilliant and fantastic.

But he isn't me.

I'm scared and alone in crowds and unsure of how to make it through this world and often just feel numb inside.

I need help.

even now as I type this I am holding back tears to be able to see the keys.

so I am at a party for the cast of this latest show and people are drinking and nude hot tubbing and letting go of all the shit that bothers them and there I stand alone drinking and hating myself. When a lovely friend of mine whom I care for dearly stands at the top of two steps drunk off her ass begging me to help her down so she doesn't fall. Behind her are people running around naked showing how little they care about what people think and there in that moment I went back to watching my friends get high and drunk and they are throwing up and laughing and crying and hoping that sober Gabe will keep them from harm. And I looked at this dear friend of mine and felt nothing but disdain.

I love her...but I hated her so purely in that moment.

And I actually had the audacity to think that these people didn't care about me. so I got out of there. And I went home and promptly got into a fight with my girlfriend. All she wanted to do was help but I wouldn't let her. I couldn't. I was being selfish and self hating and anyone who showed compassion for me was lying. And rather than having a good time and getting to spend quality time with the woman I love. I fell asleep bitter and full of apathy.

I awoke this morning crying. Feeling like I owed an explanation to people who knew nothing about what i had gone through. I know I am putting a lot out here and I am not sure why I even need to explain. There is nothing anyone can do for me. You can't make someone feel accepted. All you can do is create the environment and hope people get there on their own.

I guess I just needed to admit to someone that I had a problem before I intentionally destroy every relationship I have as proof that I don't belong.

I need help and I don't know what to do.

With deep and abiding affection
Gabriel