Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Snow: an open message of hate

I fucking hate snow. I hate it so sincerely, so purely, that it consumes my whole being.I truly cannot fathom those who think it is such a wonderful occurrence. Those who do look at it with a child like innocence that i wish I could muster. The most I can say is that it is pretty to look at.

When I was just a 5 year old boy we moved from Phoenix, AZ to Denver, CO. Until that time the  most severe weather I had encountered was 100 degree weather and the occasional lightning storm (to this day I still think lightning and thunder is sexy but that is another story). We moved in the summertime. so the transition from Phoenix to Denver was incredibly smooth. Denver is a lot cooler in summer and it never dawned on me what I was in for when September and October rolled around. The shock to my system was tremendous.

What the fuck was this cold shit?! It falls from the sky makes it cold and wet and turns everyone into a raving fucking lunatic. Now I was 5 years old for fucks sake and all I could think was that the world had played some sort of cruel joke on me. I remembered snow from the television when we lived in Arizona. It always looked like fun and people were always happy to be in it.

I then learned people were happy to be in it because they were mentally ill.

Not only that but it turns normal asshole children into fucking psycho nutjobs. As a nerdy misfit child who didn't have much in the way of popularity and no prior experience with the phenomenon of falling frozen droplets. I was the victim of some of the worst child crime ever. Its as if god hates you and is now sending your oppressors a weapon that only they know how to use. Oh sure you can fucking make the snowballs and try to defend yourself but just try and you will soon find out you should've just run because now while you try to put shit together for a return volley that will inevitably miss. you are being pelted by snowballs at a rate that you were certain only a machine could muster. And these cock bags just don't quit.

When asked once why I hated snow my answer was greeted by the idea that i needed to look at it from the fucking perspective of the positive. The only people who reap any positives of snow are kids and I wasn't very good at being a kid. Adults get all the shittier parts of snow. They don't get to wait anxiously to see if work is going to close up today. and if you are throwing snowballs at are a douchebag. It isn't funny anymore you are just a fuckhead that likes to hit people with shit. Adults have to wade through the frozen tundra to go to work. they have to drive and slip on black ice, they have to deal with electrical outages. And they are expected to do it with aplomb. But adults are shitty human beings and they are stupid and inconsiderate. This is what leads to accidents and people stuck in traffic for hours and destruction of property. And that is all without snow.

Throw in the massive unpredictability of ice and cold and your normal idiot turns into someone slightly more intelligent than a brick. they always think they can do shit that they can't and chaos ensues.

So when snow starts falling I get cold I get cranky and I get pissed off. I am reminded of fear and pain from childhood. I am reminded of stupidity and destruction in my adult life.

But maybe I am sentimental or maybe I am just hoping that I can have that same childlike wonder that others get when the snow falls. But somewhere in my brain a little flower is blooming in the cold. and forces are at work to change my mind. They may never get there...but I appreciate the effort.

With deep and abiding affection,


  1. That's funny. I seem to recal two twirpy geeks that thrilled in wreaking havoc on the snow covered yard..

    Oh sorry did I ruin the rant with contrasting reminiscence?

  2. i am not saying we didnt have a good time my friend. Its just easier to remember why I dont like snow than the one or two reasons I do like snow. But I remember those times. I miss them everyonce in awhile.