Wednesday, October 20, 2010

In defense of the littlest guy

So here I am talking to a coworker.  We are determining what we are going to be doing for the next week with all the students and their science curriculum.  And it happens.  That tickle starts at the back of my sinuses and eventually it works its way up to a full blown sneeze.  As I was properly trained I turn my head and cover my face with the inside of my arm so as not to spray anyone or anything.  And then there is the look, the look on my coworker’s face when she recognizes the action.  She stops talking and takes four steps back.  The germs have been released!
Ok, seriously?  FOUR STEPS BACK?  What the fuck?  And then I realize… she is one of them. She’s one of those “oh my god I cannot even think about being near anything that might contain a modicum of bacteria on it because it might spontaneously multiply and turn into a giant ME-eating monster and devour my soul in one bite” type of people.  A fucking germaphobe.
I’m sorry, but this seems to me to one of the most fucktastically ridiculous things in the world to me.  Germs.  You are afraid of germs?  Holy shit, what sort of scrub-your-ass-down-with-bleach parent did you have?  There are some phobias that make sense.  Acrophobia – fear of heights.  Ok, I understand that one.  It makes sense that people don’t like being in places where they may potentially fall and splatter their innards all over the pavement like a giant human Rorschach test.  Hell, even the fear of the dark makes sense.  It’s not the dark but whatever ass-raping, limb tearing thing that might be hiding within it.  Yeah, I can understand that fear too.  I am rather attached to my ass not being pillaged or having my arms used as a bludgeoning weapon against me.
But who in the fuck needs to be afraid of some little microscopic creature that truly has no fucking clue if you exist.  To them you are simply the big ass thing they happen to live upon.  You are no more under attack from them as the Earth is from us. I see these people everywhere.  They are constantly wiping and washing everything.  A person opens the door, they have to wipe it down. Someone coughs they move as far away as possible. Hell, if somebody even just looks a little under the weather they practically ostracize the person for fear that there might be any physical contact where they might spread whatever life-devouring disease they may have.  Being obsessive compulsive is one thing, but this takes it to a level that is seriously fucking ridiculous.
Did you know that in the human mouth alone there are more bacteria than there are humans on the entire planet?  Over 6 billion of those little thingies alone are there in your pie hole.  You know… that thing that you kiss your loved ones with.  They have already found over 600 different kinds in there.  So, if you are a person who has to wipe a door handle at the end of the day, or disinfect everything within your room at least every hour… how are you able to handle the disgustingness of your own mouth?  Oh, and then that “kiss” thing?  You can do that (and other more interesting things) with loved ones mouth, but you feel the need to pull out the antibacterial hand soap at the first sign of a sniffle? Holy crap! Really?
And what about the rest of your body? Scientists, who apparently have way too much time on their hands, have determined that we have over 100,000,000,000,000 (100 trillion or ten to the 14th power) bacteria residing on and within our bodies. Most of them are benign and some of them are even helpful.  We have tons of flora inside our guts that aid in digestion.  I just don’t get it.
These things are all just part of life. They just happen to be a hell of a lot smaller than rest of us.  How is that that so many people have decided that they need to shit their panties anytime they may come in contact with them?  I mean, get a fucking clue!  YOU ARE A GOD-DAMNED WALKING MASS OF BACTERIA! They outnumber all the cells of your pestilent body 10:1.  And that’s just on YOU, not counting the rest of the world out there.  If there are 100 trillion bacteria on/in each person, then take that number and multiply it by the entire human population. And then, add to it all the bacteria on every other living creature, and then add those in the environments.  How could anyone be so drastically stupid that they think they could avoid bacteria?
So, before you go out and attempt to commit mass murder by dousing your entire body with antibacterial hand wash, think about what you are doing.  All you are managing is to kill of the weaker bacteria, leaving your body as a massive breeding ground for all of the survivors to take over and repopulate.  Imagine that!  All those little monsters breeding all over your fucking skin while you frantically scrub the tables, toilet, doorknobs, windows, or pretty much anything that a walking germ factory like yourself has already touched.  Really, if it is that much of an issue that you have to adopt completely OCD tendencies just to feel as if you are not going to have the germs running rampant everywhere, do us a favor… The next time you douse yourself with the hand gel just dump the entire bottle on your head.  Make sure it covers your entirely fucking vapid head, and then set fire to it. 
Really.   Just think of all the bacteria you’ll be getting rid of. And then when you’re gone I’ll sneeze on your corpse to give the germs a fighting chance.
With deep and abiding affection,
The Bruce


  1. You did Gabe Proud, in my opinion. Maybe not as much foul language...there is something to be said for using the term Vagina Barnacles after all.